Paywalrus

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Monsters of Godville

Paywalrus
Concessionaire perfide
A Paywalrus, staking out a beach to charge admission.
Class	Marine mammal
Habitat	Godville beaches
Description	Unknown
v · t

Buyer beware the Paywalrus (Concessionaire perfide), a notorious monster occupying the public beaches of Godville.

History

On the sun-drenched shores of Godville, where the waves gently lap against the sand and seagulls call overhead, there exists an unusual marine mammal known as the Paywalrus. This unapologetic capitalist has claimed a stretch of the public beach as his own, much to the chagrin of the local authorities and the expense of unsuspecting tourists.

The Paywalrus resides in a quaint pay booth, custom-built by a renowned carpenter who, rumor has it, was paid entirely in semolina pilchards and oysters. The tourist will know the booth as it is adorned with a sign that reads, “I am he.” Visitors are required to pay an admission fee to access the beach - a fee that the Paywalrus insists is entirely reasonable, despite the beach being public property.

Once admitted, tourists are treated to an array of peculiar offerings. The Paywalrus, ever the entrepreneur, sells picnic favorites like Semolina pilchards and Oysters, King Lear chips and fish, wrapped in a commemorative Epstein eulogy. For those looking to take home a memento, he hawks souvenir Eiffel Towers and corporation T-shirts, all at a premium price, of course.

But it’s not just his wares that draw the crowds. The Paywalrus is a master of confusion, regaling visitors with nonsensical rants about shoes, ships, sealing-wax, cabbages, and kings. He ponders why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings, all while singing a bizarre tune: “Ho-ho-ho, hee-hee-hee, ha-ha-ha - oompah, oompah, stick it up your jumper! - everybody's got one.”

This bewildering banter is not without purpose. The Paywalrus uses confusion as his primary weapon, disorienting heroes and tourists alike before relieving them of their hard-earned gold. His large, imposing presence only adds to the intimidation, making it difficult for anyone to resist his overbearing charisma.

But the Paywalrus is not without his weaknesses. Despite his bluster, he is rather slow and awkward on land, making a hasty retreat nearly impossible. Additionally, he has a peculiar vulnerability to oysters, often getting lost in deep, philosophical conversations with them. These chats can last for hours, providing a rare opportunity for savvy adventurers to reclaim their gold or make a quick escape.

The Paywalrus remains a fixture on Godville’s coastline, a testament to the strange creatures that inhabit this realm. While his antics may frustrate some, they also provide endless amusement to others, ensuring that Paywalrus beaches remain popular, if perplexing, destinations.

Appearance

Distinguishing a Paywalrus from typical walrus is nearly impossible based on appearance. However, you will know it is he by these oft repeated phrases:

The time has come,’ the Paywalrus will say,

To talk of many things:

Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —

Of cabbages — and kings —

And why the sea is boiling hot —

And whether pigs have wings.’

Or he may be singing: Ho-ho-ho, hee-hee-hee, ha-ha-ha - oompah, oompah, stick it up your jumper! - everybody's got one".

Attributes

Strengths

• Large and imposing
• Uses confusion against foes
• I am the walrus, Goo goo g’ joob

Weaknesses

• Oysters
• Conversing with oysters
• Slow and awkward on land