Vogon Poet

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Monsters of Godville
Vogon Poet
vogonpoet.jpg
Class Alien
Death Rattle Oh freddled gruntbuggly...
Description Disfigured diplomats from another planet

Vogons are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry at you as it is ranked third worst in the universe.

As a matter of fact,a certain group of Vogon poets occasionally visit Godville in order to check that galactic laws are being kept and they usually are since nobody in Godville has yet created a planet destroying weapon of mass destruction or anything like that. Therefore the Vogon poets have yet to take action and instead take up their time there with reading poetry to passing heroes. The heroes take offence not too unsurprisingly and often get into a fight with the visiting aliens and sometimes even win. As Vogons don't care about each other, nobody back on their home planet takes action.


History

Far back in prehistory, when the first primeval Vogons crawled out of the sea on the planet Vogsphere, the forces of evolution were so disgusted with them that they never allowed them to evolve again. Through sheer obstinacy, though, the Vogons survived (partly by adapting a misplaced, badly malformed, and dyspeptic liver into a brain). They then emigrated en masse to the Brantisvogon star cluster, where they formed most of the Galactic bureaucracy, most notably in the Vogon Constructor Fleets (which, despite their name, patrol the galaxy demolishing planets).


Strengths

  • poetry is positively lethal
  • possess planet destroying weapons
  • wear strong protective armour

Weaknesses

  • move slowly
  • not too intelligent or tactical
  • weak anatomical structure