The Chronicles of Hrun
n English fourteenth century proverb tells us that, “Everything has a beginning”. Those of us who are not quantum physicists would probably agree. Did the universe itself have a beginning though?
It was not a sunny afternoon,or a stormy night, or even anything remotely dramatic. Hrun just popped into existence knowing what he had to do and that his god Spode would always be watching him do it. He also knew that before he did anything else, he needed to get some clothes on. After he had done so, a scroll of quests fell out of a tree and missed Hrun’s head instead hitting a nearby Isaac Newton who mistook it for an apple. He wasn’t even under an apple tree so he can’t have been that clever then. Hrun picked the scroll up and so begun the journey of just less then a lifetime.
Oh by the way, no the universe did not have a beginning. Soon after it had been created it curved backwards and created itself. Oh, have I spoiled it for you? Never mind.
Quest 1# Save the dragon in distress from the horrible damsel
Something wrong? no its fine. In a cave just of the M20 in Kent, Hrun entered to find a bemused dragon about to make a meal of a prince (dragons are not sexist, apart from Nagaroth but he’s half unicorn, don’t ask). Hrun swiftly decapitated the prince and attempted to sling the dragon over his shoulder. After failing to do this, Hrun left quite disheartened (with the dragon not quite sure what to do with this heart).
Quest 2# Lay waste to the country Is-flail on your own
Having previously sold all his weapons, this potentially was a tricky one. Nobody dared mess with Is-flail, notorious for its advanced military and supply of nuclear weapons. Only Hrun the fish-eyed, whose very name is legend (in a few small minor villages where he helped save a cat stuck in a tree) would dare to attack the mighty country, armed as he now was with nothing more then a pointy stick (which unsurprisingly is not known for its anti-aircraft properties). Hrun didn’t even get past airport security and so, disallowed entry, had to fly back home (after a lengthy explanation as to why he was concealing a rather nasty looking stick of course).
Visit to Granemor
Undead yes! Unpeople no! Help stop discrimination against undead now! Together, we can make a difference! After purchasing a magical paper-bladed butter knife (though he might just have stolen it instead), he suddenly felt itchy. This was easily solvable by scratching the offending area. However, Hrun chose to ignore the itch,which was a wise decision.probably. Now after being involved in some genuine tavern brawls, he decided to visit the pet shop. Inside,there lay on the floor a rotting corpse. Hrun,scared witless, ran into a nearby temple to pray to Spode, who promptly ignored him for he had put the corpse there in the first place, for the lulz.
Quest 3# Lick 20 pussies
Was Hrun meant to complete this quest only for the sophisticated innuendo involved? In all probability, yes. He was soon found in the process of trying to remove a ton of hair that had got stuck to his tongue while licking the pussies, while simultaneously being arrested for animal cruelty. The poor kittens. Well what did you think I meant?
Quest 4# Stop 0×000126C 3.1 GHz RAM missing 404 mother of cow-bitch i am error. 664 btzzorp state purpose of c://
This confusing code was difficult to crack. Hrun took out his laptop and began to decrypt the code, or at least typed it into a program named “code_cracker_not_a_trojan_horse.exe”. After 2 days, a blue screen came up that read “bf348itfhdty347tgfwfuif43uif7t43g48thgy48ghg48y8gh8ghfy84tuhfgy4uhf848f8fu784bgvy48vbakje6” Hrun decided that this was the secret message and since his laptop had mysteriously stopped working, headed off to the nearest temple to sacrifice an NE555 timer to Spode in order that he may provide an explanation as to what Hrun was meant to do with the message. Hrun was starting to get on the [metaphysical] nerves of Spode now so the great god himself just flicked him off a cliff. Job done.
Building the temple
After spending his entire life collecting golden bricks from rich inhabitants of mental asylums, this seemingly wasted effort was now not seeming as wasted as Hrun seemed the other night at that tavern after a few pints. Hrun built the whole temple by hand and at the end stood back to admire his handy work. At that moment, an electromagnetic screech of pure pain ripped through his body and roasted him from the inside out. From heaven came the words, “WHERES MY ROCKERY?” and that was the last thing Hrun heard before he died from internal 6th degree burns. Divine intervention isn’t all its cracked up to be when the favourite tool of a vengeful god is the trusty thunderbolt.
Quest 5# Eat a Polonium Sandwich
In Soviet Russia, Sandwiches eat you! Although Hrun technically completed this quest, as a result he died from severe radiation poisoning, but that was obviously nothing new for him by now.
The 2nd Temple
Spode, as soon as it was completed (rockery and all) lay waste to the temple. Hrun salvaged what he could and built a 2nd temple, this time complete with a big wall surrounding it. Spode was quite enjoying all this now so he destroyed the 2nd temple as well except for the north eastern part of the wall which Hrun then opened as a tourist attraction, having now given up on the whole temple idea.
Quest 6# Do.Not.Die.
In the words of the old philosopher Clarksonius, how hard can it be? If you’ve been reading all of this so far you know that Hrun is a bit of an idiot. He sat down on a rock on the top of a hill to ponder this confusing notion, ‘to die’ because he just thought that ‘dying’ was just a point in his life at which he was suffering a little more pain then usual. He had done it so many times the verb had lost all meaning to him. After 40 days and 40 nights of this deep thinking, he tumbled down the hill and snapped his neck. Contrary to popular belief, nobody had pushed him. Instead he had inevitably reached the point of philosophising at which you lose the will to live.
Visit to Krull
Donate now and bring us closer to discovering the sex of great A’tuin the turtle because obviously the world is flat and on the back of four elephants which stand on top of some giant turtle! Yes turtle! Hrun sold all his loot, then stole it back and sold it again. Hrun does not seem to have any knowledge of laws. or bacon. He decided to see if he could learn a magical spell at a university but he was told to come back when he was “level 15”. He did not know what this meant but rather suspected it was to do with the colour of his skin and a certain bunch of intolerant wizards.
Quest 7# Destroy Iran’s first ever nuclear reactor
Iran? The mythical place did not exist in this universe, well it did but it was a peasant’s dog, not a country. Anyway there’s usually a portal knocking about somewhere in these types of universes and one such portal took Hrun to this mythical Iran, where it is said that people eat dirt to survive, and enjoy it. It should be noted at this point that Hrun and anything nuclear tend to not go together well. It so happens that Hrun succeeded on this quest without dying in the effort. Nobody knows what happened but it’s generally believed that he had help…
Quest 8# End world poverty
So not too much of a difficult task then. After distributing his now quite sizeable hoard of gold to all the poor people in Afprica, the country that nobody cares about unless there is some event there, now world poverty had ended and everything was fine. Unfortunately now this sudden equality in wealth across the world resulted in massive hyperinflation so now Hrun was back to square one and trying to feed a lot of bony children that were full of the schistosoma parasite and also had a lot of flies buzzing around their eyes all the time.
Visit to Godville
Play this amazing zero-player game now! Huh? What’s a paradox? Finally Hrun had returned to his place of origin to celebrate his birthday, or at least his ‘popped-into-existence day’, by getting as drunk as a skunk (no offence intended if your a skunk, but it rhymes so there). Waking up in the morning with a nasty headache, he became convinced that during the night some evil spirits had slipped in to the space between his ears (which,following a dissection demonstration, according to Hrun normally contained a rotting cabbage). To remedy this, he thought it best to join the column of monks walking past the village while striking their heads with a wooden plank in between prayers, and then drilling numerous holes in his skull and piping smoke through them. Well at least the headache wasn’t much of a problem any more.
Quest 9# Divide by zero
ok come on now, Hrun isn’t a total idi…ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
The 11D Interface
One night, while out hunting other heroes, Hrun came across a cave with light shining out of it and inside he found a glowing geometrical wonder. A shape of 11 dimensions. It looked like a weird six spiked star thing though. It seemed to whisper the secrets of the universe as it endlessly revolved. Hrun slowly touched his finger to it, to have it severed and thrown to the floor but he was too fascinated to care. The peculiar entity did not seem to interact with anything, it was useless. Nobody wants to buy useless things so Hrun left it and ran away, after sending a quick prayer to Spode to have it removed from the universe.
Quest 10# Collect all the treasures
A bit vague. Hrun thought that maybe stealing the mystical golden llama idol from the well-known Sporian temple might do. Just to clarify, this WAS one of those temples where many have entered but none have lived to tell the tale. To this day nobody knows why anybody would want to worship at a temple that tries to kill you if you go near it. I blame Indiana Jones. Anyway the numerous signposts sporting such useful advice as “ignore these four words” and “beware of pointy things” probably didn’t help too much, but when he got there, he easily slayed the originally named ‘ultimate evil doom beast demon of horrible scary doom and despair and extra doom’. He then nabbed the idol and got out of there, before the temple managed to self-destruct (another stupid fault useful feature). On closer examination, Hrun found that the idol had quite an inconspicuous big red button on its side. Having said that, it has now rendered the act of continuing the rest of this short story pointless, so I won’t bother.
Quest 11# [censored, possibly involved a shrew]
Why do wasps find it difficult to walk on glass?
The reconstruction of reality
It could have been anything really. Just one day, everything was different. Suddenly, there were 22 types of fundamental particles instead of just the 5 elements: fire,water,earth,sex and disappointment. These particles were all just copies of the first four but heavier, which was really pointless. They all mixed together to give either Baryons or Paulons, of which everything funny was made of. Spode was profoundly puzzled by such a change in reality and was forced to invent a framework of arrows to explain the probabilities of everything, for everything was now fundamentally random. Meanwhile, Hrun awoke to a new world, one with even more lulz (now you could breathe air and people had fingers,which was really weird). All the numbers had decayed and a new counting system had taken over. Hrun didn’t care much for he hated maths anyway but water had now become wet, a far cry from the dryness Hrun was used to in his water. Nobody liked the new universe so everyone set up petitions on facebook but nobody listened as usual.
Quest Carbon# Collect Iron pineapples and use them to bake osmium cupcakes in order to tame the neon Demons of Vesuvius.
Hrun hand picked all the pineapples hydrogen by hydrogen and used them to bake osmium of the tastiest cupcakes this side of the galaxy. The Demons of Vesuvius were enchanted by the cakes but couldn’t eat them because their teeth were composed of urine, which was now liquid at room temperature for some reason. This quest had now been made obselete thanks to the new universe. Spacetime and spacetime again, Hrun had failed to complete his quests and Spode was now sick and tired of it. They say lightning never strikes the same spot Helium times. ‘They’ obviously never had a personal god.
DO NOT WANT!!!
The new universal laws were now starting to annoy everyone so Spode decided to restore the lulz and bring back the missing ingredient: the all-consuming epic fail. This took a few minutes with Hrun’s assistance. Now Spode just had to reboot the universe. OH NOES!! Error 404 Your universe cannot be found. Please try again later. That’s the last time Spode ever used Windows Vista. Luckily n00bs are easy to find and he managed to attach a few in order to boost the epic fails and hence return the universe back to it’s normal retarded self.
to be continued