The Garlic 3

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Previous Week's Issue Issue #3    g.e. 936 Next Week's Issue   



Hero Realizes that a Completed Temple 'Ain't All That'

Godville--On Saturday, hero IdoneAight laid the last brick on for his temple and began salivating at the good life.

"I was ready to kick back, relax, and live the good life. No more fighting monsters, no more worrying if an alchemical transmuter would convert three bold items or just one, and no more hobbling back to town with 1 hp left. I was so happy; I even bought a house in Last Resort to live it up. I was really looking forward to waking up at noon every day."

Little did IdoneAight know, a completed temple doesn't mean jack squat. Seven minutes later, he was back questing again as if his temple was 1% complete.

A week later, the awful truth came crashing down on IdoneAight; his life with a temple wasn't much different that without a temple. He was still killing monsters, still collecting gold, and still dying.

"It was a rude awakening." He said, "I really wish someone would have told me that life would be just as hard. Maybe then I wouldn't have put so much effort into assembling that gold building. Now, lower level heroes look at me and I tell them 'having a completed temple really ain't all that.'"

Scientist Reports that Cataloging all the Monsters Would be a Heck of a Lot Easier if the Ideabox Could Close Down for a Few Days

Godville--Monster classification is a full time job. The categorization must past strict standards established by the scientific community and the rigorous debates that follow.

Two years ago, taxonomist Brandon M.X. Flountership, M.A., Ph.D., J.D., Th.D., Ed.D., B.A., M.S., M.B.A., was assigned the job to classify all monsters in Godville.

"It was a great honor that I was choose to lead a team to properly catalog all the monsters." Said Dr. Flountership, "It quickly became obvious that this was no easy task though."

Dr. Flountership works fifteen hours a day leading a team of twelve. They catalog dozens of monsters every day, but their current backlog is 429 monsters and growing.

"It doesn't help that we catalog many monsters a day, but the ideabox pumps out twice that number." Said the scientist "Just do the math and anyone can easily see how we're falling behind. If the ideabox could just shut down for a few days, we'd be able to work through the backlog."

A request to close down the ideabox was filed with the Godville Administrator and it was filed under G for Garbage.

Letters to the Editor:

Dear BlueStapler,

This is the worst publication in all of Godville. Did you get fired from the Godville Times and couldn't get a job working at the Weekly Harvest? Go back to fighting monsters.

D15grunt13d Dan, Middle Central Los Adminos

Guild Mates Sick and Tired of Member Posting up Duel Logs Fighting Absent Gods

The Heavens--For the fifth time in as many days, God ArenaKing63 posted a duel log link in guild council linking to yet another arena fight where his opponent's god didn't do anything.

His guild mates in Soul Reapers are beyond irritated.

"When I see the link to the dual log, I get excited." said guild mate Bcxtee. "I think, oooo, here's a fight I can learn from; make me a better fighter. But after clicking on the link, all I see is ArenaKing63's 'attack attack attack attack' for ten rounds. That's Super boring."

One person requested ArenaKing63 only post duel logs where the other god was also giving voice commands, but ArenaKing63 didn't see it.


Hero Congratulates Self For Going to Arena, Not Fighting, and 'Winning' a Gold Brick

Godville--Last Thursday, Hero EarlyMorning83 went to the Arena, sat around, and was awarded a gold brick for his troubles.

"I'm deeply humbled by this award and want to thank all everyone who made this possible, especially my god." He said. "This is a great honor I've worked so hard to complete. I want to also thank family for their support and sacrifice."

EarlyMorning83's non-confrontation in the arena was partially fulfilled by a "send to arena" command made at 3 am on Thursday when just about everyone else was sleeping. When EarlyMorning83 got to the arena, he found three other heroes there also waiting for a fight, but none were in his classification level. A few hours later, all three left with golden bricks, but since EarlyMorning83 carried the shiniest brick he felt comfortable claiming that people should congratulate him the most.


God Refuses to Call Pet a 'Zombie' Because That's Not the 'Official Term'

Bumchester--No matter how many times her Guild mates use the term "zombie pet" or how many people in the forum call their pet a "zombie pet," God Official232 still refuses to call "best friend" pets "zombie pets" because that's not the official term.

Ever since the introduction of pets being knocked out, calling such knocked out pets as "zombie pets" has been common among the gods.

"Look, the game doesn't say zombie pet, it says 'best friend.' I don't know who started this whole zombie slang, but I refuse to be a follower." she said. "Everyone should be calling them 'best friend' pets."

Reports of her stubbornness were submitted to the Godville administrator, but were filtered out by the junk mail folder.


The Garlic is a newspaper published by BlueStapler once a week for 5 weeks only. It documents only the super important events in Godville. If you like this, please rate BlueStapler's Chronicles as 5 stars. If you hate this, please think about how BlueStapler has no life, and then feel bad for rating his Chronicles as 1 stars. Then think again whether his chronicles are really worth 1 star, then at least mark it 3 stars. Comments, suggestions, contributions, letters to the editor, and hate mail may be submitted to The Garlic's forum thread. Still formatted for printing on 8.5" x 11" paper.