The Adventures of Jelcin

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Welcome all Ye Who Traveled (either on purpose, or by accident) to this page. Here I (the god Meldra) will be chronicling my Hero Jelcin's Adventures. They can also be viewed in my Hero's Chronicles, but his stories are long. Once each Chapter ends, I will take it off his chronicles and post it here, leaving more room for the next chapter. My take on my hero is that while some heros are born normal and grow up and learn before their god chooses them, others are created (of heroing age) strictly for their god but not quite as learned. These are the stories of Jelcin learning to read and write properly as he blunders through life. Let me know what you think, and if you like it, vote it up on my chronicles. Enjoy!

Chapter 1- The Beginnings


Hello?! This wurking? Wait bemay furgot ink… Jelcin rummages through his knapsack and pulls out a jar filled with water. He taps on the glass and the small squid inside gets scared and inks. He then dips his writing stick into the jar. Ah muhc, gooder!! So mE came lived many a days ago, but me dog Meldra did ‘not skill me to raed and writ. me no ned tOe learn writ for time, since me majik: jurnal writd for Em!!!!!! Then me fidn guiLd nam”ed the Lea-gue of Adjun ctic ators. eM dint now two many s of guild, but tehn me meatad thEm on me adventurs!?$ They soooooooo nice dan help em learn writ!!? Big wurds lots hrad, but me b try.


Shoot. Very Bummed. So Me Very Produ Of Me 1rst Jurnal So Me Show It To Guild. They Laghed. Alot. Me Got Sad. But After Laghed They Gave Me Tips. Like Big Leters Go In Front, Not Midle. And Sentunces End With . Not ! Or ?. They Helped Me With Spell Ing And Made Me Writ 1rst Jurnal Gooder So Not Embarass Dem. They Not Fix All Me Misteaks. Me Need To Learn On Own. Hear It Iz.

Hello. This Wurking. Wait Maybe Furgot Ink. Ah Much Gooder. So Me Came Alive Many Days Ago. But Me God Meldra Did Not Skill Me To Read And Writ. Me No Need To Learn To Writ For Long Time, Since Me Magik Jurnal Writ For Me. Then Me Find Guild Named League Of Adjuncticators. That Iz Big Wurd. They Helpd Me Writ It Sinze It So Big Me Didnt Know Too Manys Peeple Of Guild. But Me Met Them On Me Adventurs. They Soo Nice And Help Me Learn Writ Ing. Big Wurds Lots Hard. But Me Try.


Sucsess. Guild Liked 2cond Entry. They Gave Us Free Beer To Celabrate. Great Party. Me Met Nice Gurl Vessa At Party. She Told Me She Can Spoons Bend. Me Dint Bleve Her. She Did It! Me Wuz Amaze D. Begged Her To Show Me How… Me thunk She Did. But Was Very Drunk On Free Beer. Do Not Member. Wut Me Do Member Iz That Later, Found A Spork. Maybe Me Can Bend It Like Vessa. Tri Ed For Manys Hour But Did Not Bend. Did It Soo Long I Gots Hunger Ed. Then Member Ed That Earlier Kill Ed A Fires Fox And Got Sum Unicorn Meetballs. Me Pull Ed Them Out And Spork Ed One. It Wuz Not Good. Cold And Gross. Maybe If It Hot It Be Yummy. But How. Then Boo Me Pet Yawn Ed. Boo!! He Brethe Fire! “Boo, Fire My Meetball!” He Did Not. Had To Tell Him 3 Time B4 He Did. Almost Burn Ed My Hand. But It Wurk Ed. Meetball Hot… But So Wuz Spork! Shov Ed It In Me Mouth Fasty. TOO Hot. Ow Ow. Swal Low! It Sharp! Wut? Look Ed At Spork But It Head Not There. Swal Low. Not Going… Gl… “Boo. Help. Chok Ing!” Boo Not Help. Just Look At Me. Stu Pid Boo. “B…glug!” Fell Down No Breathe. By By World. Meldra Relive Me Soon.

But No… Wake Up To A Dryer Gnome Kiss Ing Me. Ewww. “Are you ok buddy?” It Say. Throat Hot And Sore So Just Nod. Why Monster Nice To Me. Maybe He Want Kill Me His Self… No He Look Concern Ed. He Offer Hand To Help Me Up. Me Take It But Dis Asster Strike. Almost Up Balunce Change And Fall On Him. He So Dryer He Bust Into Pieces! Even God Jurnal Writ Abut It.

18:43: Ooops! I broke the Dryer Gnome. After carefully trying to put it back together, I seemed to have a pointy WIZZARD hat and 33 gold coins left over. Pocketed them.

Oh No! Me look Boo. He On Floor Lagh Ing. He No Help… Wut Do I Do? Gnome Wuz Nice… Must Help! But How?

4. Boo Iz Stu Pid

A Guild Mate Show Me How To Make Titlez. U Like? Me Do. Speci Ally Cuz Boo Iz Stu… “Rwawrr?” Boo growled quizzically. Jelcin looks sternly at him. “No Boo You Stay. You Bad.” Boo huffs, looks at him sadly and lays down.

Boo Not Help Me When Chok Ing So Put Cone Of Shame On Him And Make Him Sit In My Unfinish Ed Temple In Da Corner.

Then Took A Santa Claws Bag And… Me Know What You Will Say, I Uzed It. But Did Not. I Put All Pieces From Dryer Gnome In It And Carry Back To Temple. I Put 293 Gold Pieces In Meldraz Offer Ing Plate And Pray Ed For My God To Relive The Dryer Gnome Like Meldra Does Me. This Is Meldraz Answer…

21:05: Suddenly dozens of cherubs appeared and performed an air ballet that formed the words, ‘I can only resurrect you. Find someone else to do it.’

Oh Great Now Wut!?

5- Boo Readeem His Self.

Me Did Not Like The . After The Number So Try New Stuff Until Me Find Some Ting Me Like. Also Me Friend Vessa Tell Dat When Using Ing Or Ed, They No Have Space Tween Dem. Yay Me Learned! Jelcin looks over to his temple. “Boo Where Iz U? Boo Ur Still In Time Out!” He checked every inch of his incomplete temple and no Boo.

Oh Grate. Boo Gone. Right When Me Get Idea To Relive Gnome. He Prolly Mad. First Get Gnome Relived Den Maybe Gnome Help Me Look Boo. Me Grate Idea Iz 2 Ask Priests To Relive Him Like They Relive Pets! Take Dryer Gnome Santa Claws Bag To Non Demon In Ational Temple. Knock On Door. Old Priest Answer. “Helo. Me Name Jelcin. Need Favor. Can You Relive Me Friend.” Priest looks at Jelcin like he has three heads for a minute until he interprets this crazy hero’s speech. The Priest smiles. Me Open Santa Claws Bag And Show Him Dryer Gnome Bits.

“Is this your pet?” Sayz Da Priest. “We only resurrect pets.”

“Umm.. N…” Me Look Round. Still No See Boo. “Yes Iz Me Pet, Boo-Gle. Yes Iz Boogle.”

“Well in that case, we can definitely do it.” Priest Talk. Me Much Happy. Get Xcited And Start Hand Bag Of Gnome 2 Priest. He Dont Take Bag Right A Way. “But first…” He Look In Bag. “To resurrect Boogle, you must give us a donation of 3150 Gold Pieces.” Oh No… Me Look In Gold Pouch. Me Only Have 33 Gold Me Got From Gnome… Me Used All Moneys Bying Beer Before Free Beer Party At Guild.

“Umm, Me No Have It…” B4 I Stop Talking Priest Shut Door In Face. Me Sad. Stu Pid Priest. Now Wut…

“Did I hear you say you need your pet resurrected?” Someone Say. Me Look Up. See A Snake Oil Salesman Come Close. Me Nod Slowly. “Boy are you lucky for today, and today only, I have some Resurrection Oil on sale for 33 gold. 100% guaranteed to bring your pet back from the dead.” Me Get Xcited.”All you need to do is dump this into your bag and BAM your pet will be up and about in no time!” Wut Luck! All Me Have Iz 33 Gold! Me Pull Out Pouch And Gunna Give Over Gold When Me Hears Big Growl From Some Wheres. Me Turn Look And Salesman Takes Me Pouch And Start 2 Run. Den Boo Jump Out And Stop His.

12:59 Boo barked loudly and charged the enemy. The Snake Oil Salesman desperately fought back, but my bipolar bear is a pretty tough opponent.

Boo Bite And Claw Salesman Ded. He Got Me Gold Back!! Me Runs And Hugs Boo. “Boo, U R De Best! U Not In Time Out No More!” Boo Lick Face And Me Lagh. Happy Not Long Though Member Still Need… Wut Priest Say… Rezzurect Dryer Gnome. Now Where Try?

6~ Beer Help Fix Problems

Me And Boo Went Back To Temple 2 Think. Sit On Steps Sad And Thinking When Feel Hand On Shoulder. Look up And See Me Friend Lamplighter Looking At Me. “Jelcin, you ok there? You Look sad,” He Say.

“Me Very Sad.” Me Xplain Him Whole Story. He Nod And Say Stuff Here And Dere, But Listen 4 Whole Story. At End, Lamplighter Smile And Say, “Whenever I have troubles, do you know what helps? Beer. Whenever I’m down, a beer helps clear the problem up, and makes me feel better. Pete the Popular and I are headed to the tavern now. You should come.” He Open Hand To Help Me Up.

“Why Nots Me Got Xtra Gold from Dead Salesman.” Me Look At Gnome In Bag, “He Not Going Nowhere N E Way. Boo Stay Here Watch Gnome. Make Sure No One Take Him. Me Bring You Beer When Come Back.” Boo Rawrs happily, then picks up the Santa Claws bag in his teeth and brings it into the front lobby of Meldra’s temple, curls around it and goes to sleep. “Ok Lamplighter Let Get Beer!” Me Take Him Hand And We Head To Tavern…

Several hours of heavy drinking later… “And you woke up to the monster kissing you!?” Pete the Popular Lagh As Beer Come Out Him Nose. “If I woke up to that,” He Stand Up And Pull Him Sword Out And Wave Drunk, “I would have parted its head from its body!” He Cut Air With Sword Then Lose Balunce And Fall Over. I Lagh And Spill Beer. Poor Beer. Lamplighter Try 2 Help Pete, But He Lose Balunce Too And Fall Over, On Top Of Pete. They Lagh On Floor.

“See, That What Happen Next! He Try Help Me And I Lose Balunce And Fall On Him! He Was Dryer So Broke Ez! Now Me Want Relive Him See Why He Help Me! I Thaught Monsters Wuz All Bad.” Me Try 2 Xplain. Me Wave Arms When Talk, And Wave Dem Too Much. Fall Over Next To Guys And We Lagh Alot. Tavern Guys Come Over Pick Us Up And Take Us Outside Say, “Looks like you guys had way too much to drink. Head home and sleep it off…” After We Lagh More, Them Say By Then Go Back Home. That Wuz Fun, Time Go Home. I Start Home, Then Some Bald Guy Stop Me.

“I overheard you talking to your friends… Are you really looking to Resurrect a Dryer Gnome?” He Ask. I Nod. My Brain Move With Nod, Make Head Hurt. “When you are sober… come see my boss… Here’s his card.” He Hand Me Card Then Dis Appears Into Shadows.

Dr. Gordianus Evil Genius And Master Revivicator of the Dead.

Yay New Lead. Me Guess Beer Does Solve Problems!... Cept For Stu Pid Head Hurt… Must Get Back To Temple… Sleep…

7* What Da!?

Nudge “No Ma Me Sleeping” Poke “I Put Ear Muffs On Kitten” Shove “I Ate Me Sour Skittles…” Boo looks at the sleeping Hero and huffs. Then He leans in and licks Jelcin’s Face, adding extra slobber “Huh? What? Eww. I AM UP!” Me Sit Up And Face All Wet. Boo Look At Me, And Look Like He Cleaning Tongue. Maybe He Taste Sumding Gross. And Why Me Face Wet? Me Look Up, Me Laying In Temple… 4Got Still No Have Roof. That Xplains It. Rain. Boo pushes his water dish towards Jelcin, then looks at his Master while licking his lips Oh No. Me No Have Beer For Boo. Carp. Let Me Check Pockets. Oh Yay! Me Find Half Bottle Of Beer I Put In Pocket 2 Save Four Later. He Pours it into Boo’s Dish. Boo Laps it up Eagerly Boo Looks Bigger… Jelcin looks around the temple. There is Blood and Ripped Clothes everywhere. Wut Happen?! Let Me Check My God Jurnal. Maybe That Tell Me…

22:30: My wily bipolar bear jumped on the monster from behind. The Penultimate Samurai obviously didn’t expect such a cunning move from my pet.

22:33: My brave Boo nimbly jumped on the monster’s head. The enemy became disoriented and flailed its arms wildly, trying to figure out what the heck was happening.

22:36: Boo glowed and his eyes sparkled. It seems that my brute just achieved a new level.

Me Guess I Miss Stuff When Me Drink. Yay Boo! “Wait! Boo Where Dryer Gnome?!” Boo Look Up With Beer Beard And Rawr Happly. He Get Up And Walk To Closet. I Open Door. Santa Claws Bag Not Harmed Sit There. Oh Good. Wait Wut Happen Last Night? BALD Guy! Yes He Said He Help Rezzurect Gnome! Me Pull Out Card.

Dr. Gordianus Evil Genius And Master Revivicator of the Dead.

Hmmm No Place. Wunder Where To Go. I Flip Card Over. Writ On Back Iz Wait on the first bridge outside of Trollbridge. We will get you. I Look At Bag. Soon Dryer Gnome, U Be Live Again. Must Get Ready To Go. Get Supplies.

7.5) Just Uh Note Jelcin posted near collection plate in his temple

Deer Followurs. I Iz Going On Jurny. Epic Jurny. If Not Back In Few Dayz, DO NOT I Repeat DO NOT Call Local Author Ities. I Iz Uh Hero After All. I Will Fight Any Obsticle In Way And Return. Whatever U Do, DO NOT Come Look Four Me Near Bridge Outside Troll Bridge. Will Come Back Might Y Hero.

7.5.2- What Jelcin missed while he was getting drunk at the Tavern.

“Hey, Remember Fellas, Dr. G said the dead Dryer Gnome was in Meldra’s Temple… Some Hero has been moaning about it for a few days. Dr. G needs the Gnome to complete his work… Let’s get in and out… quietly. We don’t want to attract attention…” Gus whispered to the group. Everyone nodded and pulled on their masks…

Sniff sniff Something isn’t right. Boo lifts his head for a better angle. Uh Oh, We got company! Boo quickly bites the bag, drags it over to the closet and tosses it in. He paws the door closed as the front door window is shattered. Only five of them? No Sweat… Time for some fun!

8~ Enter Lions Den

Bored. Very Bored. Been Waiting At Bridge Day And Half And Nuthin. So Take Time To Writ In Jurnal. Few Dayz Ago, Before I Get Drunk, Pete the Popular Tell Me About I And Me. He Tell Me They Mean Same Ting. That Why I Been Using I Alot. Also Decided That I Like Using ~ In Titlez. Fancy… A Nother Ting I Learned Wuz… Boo growls menacingly. Jelcin looks up to see two Giant Trolls appear under the bridge. The trolls spot Jelcin and Boo and start walking straight towards them. “Quiet Boo…” Me Whisper And Hold Hand Out To Stop Boo. “Wait And See What They Want.”

Trolls Big And Scary. Do Not Show Fear, Or They Eat Ur Eyeballs While You Live. “YOU JELCIN?” One Bellow. Me Stand Up Straight And Nod Once. “BEAR STAYS HERE.”

Me Look Him Straight in Eye And With All Brave I Have I Say, “No Boo My Pet He Go With Me. Always.” Troll Look Little Suprised And A Mused. He Whisper To Udder Troll. They Discuss.

Troll Turn Back, “FINE BUT IF HE GETS OUT OF LINE…” He Smile. Lots Of Sharp Teeth. He Pull Sharp Bone Out Of Pocket And Pick Teef With It. I Dun Want Boo Eated. Me Look At Boo. He Shake And Look Scared. But Our Eyes Meet And He Sit Up Straight And Get Brave. He Nod To Me. I Smile At Troll. He Lick Teef And Lagh. Other Troll Lagh 2 Then Pull Black Masks From Behind. “PUT THESE ON. THEN WE’LL TAKE YOU TO SEE DR. G.”

Me Shrug, Call Boo Over And Careful Put It On His Head. Then I Put One On My Head And Put Hand On Boo Shoulder. “Let Us Go. Save Dryer Gnome.”

9~ The Dr.’s Lair

Aftur Walking In Total Darkness 4 Ever We Finally Stop. Me Hear Water Trickle From Somewhere And It Feel Damp Were We Are. Boos Muscles Tight Under Fur. He Nervous Like Me. Big Hands Grab Mask And Pull Off Head. I Look Round. Troll Pull Boo Mask Off Too.

Jelcin looks around. They are in a giant cave. They are standing on the smooth carved floor of the cave and the ceiling stretches high into the air, giving it an almost cathedral-like atmosphere. Wooden walkways span the cavern, crisscrossing almost five stories high. The whole cavern is lit by a stream of lava flowing in a spiral chute carved around the sides of the cavern and running midway across the floor ending in a large lava pool in the center of the cavern. Many monsters are walking around, purposefully doing their jobs. There are a few stunningly gorgeous women wearing tight uniforms that seem to be overseeing the other monsters and making sure they are doing their jobs. Suddenly a loud whirring noise fills the room and platform descends from the ceiling. All activity in the room stops and everyone turns to watch it come down. As it gets closer, Jelcin notices that there is a man standing on the platform. This man has light brown hair, thinning on top, with a bad comb over. He has thick rimmed glasses, and a scar running from the left side of his lower lip down to his chin. He its wearing a fancy all black suit. He smiles and opens his arms, as if saying, all this is mine.

Without Rea Lizing, Me Mouth Open And Me Say, “Whoa, Now Dats Uh Bond Villain!” Me Dun Know What Bond Villain Iz, God, Did U Influnce Me?

10~ Dryer Gnome Relives!

Da Platform Land On Ground And He Step Off. “Welcome to my humble…” Boo snorts contemptuously. “home. I am Dr. Gordianus. You must be Jelcin. I have heard much about you… Please follow me.” He Turn And Walk Away. Not Even Check If We Go Wit Him. Me Not Follow. Den Stu Pid Troll Push Me. Hard. Almost Drop Santa Claws Bag Of Dryer Gnome. Boo Growlz At Troll. I Put Hand On Shoulder, “Not Time. Relax Buddy…” He Stay Tense But Calmer. We Follow Dr Into 1 Of Many Tunnels Leading Away From Main Chamber. He Lead Us To Small Room With Exam Table.

He Stop By Table, “If you would, lay your friend out on the table please?” I See A Mazing Pretty Gurl In Nurse Clothes Standing On Udder Side Of Table From Us. Wow. Brain Stop. She Bend Over Table And Pat It While Smile At Me. Dr. G Cough. It Start My Brain A Gain. I Open Bag, Puff Chest Out, Hope It Impress Gurl. Boo Snicker Behind Me. I Elbow Him Quiet. I Walk Proudly To Table And Take Gnome Out Piece By Piece. Gurl Smile At Me Whole Time. She Pretty. Almost As Pretty As Vessa.

I Get Done Laying Dryer Gnome Pieces On Table And Step Back. Dr. Gordianus Look At Gnome, “Excellent! Just what I needed… erm… Expected. He Will Do Quite Nicely.” The Doctor Turn To Me, “I believe I can bring your gnome back. But what have you to offer to help me decide to do it?” He Look At Me. I Check Pockets.

“I Have Lint! Would That Work?” I Ask. He Smiles.

“How about a favor?” He Ask, “If I Resurrect your Dryer Gnome, you would owe me a favor…” Me Nod. Me Not Like Spend Money. Favor Good And Easy. “But you have to realize, I could ask you to do anything, at any time.” The Doctor Holds Out Him Hand.

“A Greed.” I Confirm As We Shake. I Look At Boo. He Look Worried. It Be OK Boo, I Think In My Head. I Look Back at Doctor. He Got BIG Smile On Face. He Walk to Gurl And They Whisper.

He Turn Back To Me. “My Lovely Assistant Vanessa here will take you on a tour of my Lai… My Home, while I Reconstruct the Gnome. I will let you know when my work is finished.” Vanessa Smiles And Pat My Shoulder As She Pass. I See Her Hips Sway And My Mouth Fall. Wow. Den Boo Shoulder Me And Push Pass Me 2 Folluw Her. I Push Him Back And Folluw.