Harvest Moon year in Review!
By: The Godville associated press
Welcome to the year in review by a drunk and senile HP. Literally doing this last minute because I work best under pressure and handcuffed to goody goodies with completion holding the keys. We start with the forums. The first post of the year was clearly vital. click. On Jan 9th two famous Gods were married in a unholy union awe. There was also the Daily Arena Forecast game which was fun for awhile and ended abruptly when the Great Harvester sacrificed the financier. In February Hp was resurrected and realized others should be sacrificed so the Guild bounty hunt contest began Sohail7 won by collecting heads from every guild first. For his prize he was awarded charges and promptly sacrificed to the Great Harvester never to be seen again. Sinch HP survived he hosted another bounty contest, a bigger badder contest. Before it finished elections started. Jows Pilla came in first in the bounty hunt and Krohnos was elected leader a day later. Collusion with the Russians was suspected.
In the final days of march the Harvest Moon Blood Scouts ‘AFK Harvester’ Merit Badge was created and sparked life into the tired dungeoneers of HM and brought death to all others. BOO! Since history is written by the winners the HM origin story needed upgrading and was done so in April rwar? and the history of some random HM members error 404
In May the Great Harvester of Sorrows discovered the forums by possessing Brihtnoth and immediately started sacrificing gods and heroes. HP hid from the Harvester and DiamondHard decided to host the third bounty hunt contest. HP hid in the arena though and came in first in this bounty hunt. With so many things happening in May DiamondHard decided it would be the perfect time to host a daily annoy DH with PMs contest. Smashing pumkins
Finally in Jun the Great Harvester obtained enough sacrifices to burst into existence as a god himself! sacrifices were still demanded and now given directly. In July the Battle of the Elites took place kungfu fighting and screaming goats made their debut in the guild halls AHHHH As Krohnos leadership came to an end full stop preparations for a big change were coming to HM and rumblings of a takeover were in the works.
It began quickly and quietly under the cover of darkness. The old guard was sacrificed and the new Blood Council took over the wiki, forum and the HM day spa. Then the new HM was looking for a new leader to bring death and destruction across Godville. A interview was held Diamond won a clear and quick victory. His first act as HM member was to glitch Godville and set HM up to have more Fans than any other guild in Godville greatly confusing the old timers and noobs alike.
In August the first Arena Dart contest took place. Teams were formed and lines of decency were pushed SKOLE After all of those sacrifices the Harvester demanded some bosses and so began the Bingo Boss hunt by Pantheist Goddess. you sunk my battle ship
Thankfully September came because the writer of this article started to fall asleep but the second Dart tournament woke him back up again and the knowledge of just two more months to get through It’s Your Funeral won again like the badasses they are. Sept also brought about the Interguild brawl contest which is still ongoing and hosted by our glorious leader DH. HIT
Oct began, the best month of the year began, the dueling season ended 34ish hmers were on page one success And Godville witnessed its for RL wedding between Dogess and HP. by this time i was to drunk to see anything important and I know nothing important happens after october
Halloween Fun With Bella Stewart
It’s Halloween again, kiddies, and that means it’s time for the annual Harvest Moon Halloween party! Wondering what to wear that’s guaranteed to scare the bejeezus out of your guild mates? Below are my top ten tried-and-true favorites!
Smurfette – nothing says “boo” like blue!
Any Disney princess – sing her appropriate theme song for added terror
Cuddly-wuddly furry kitten – carry a basket o’kitten sammitches for instant popularity!
Ballerina in a pink tutu – if it can work for HP4M, it can work for you! (I have photos)
Winnie the Pooh – guaranteed to scare the poo out of HMers
Tinkerbell – be sure to scatter lots of “fairy dust” (aka itching powder)
Beautiful angel – warning: resting a halo on your horns may create a dangerous forcefield
Princess Leia – you gotta admit, that’s scary hair
Rainbow Unicorn – a true HM nightmare
Cute Little Puppy – not for the faint-hearted, as your guild mates will probably try to kick you…in half
Needless to say, a trip to my Harvest Moon Day Spa will be required post-party to remove any residual cuteness. I’d recommend a blood bath, concrete mask and hornicure to start. Happy Halloween, everyone!
'A WORD FROM THE CEO
NEGLIGIBLE AND REPLACEABLE MEMBERS OF HARVEST MOON, AS ANOTHER YEAR OF HORRORS IS ABOUT TO DRAW TO A CLOSE, THE GREAT HARVESTER OF SORROW WILL LOOK BACK AT THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF LAST YEAR, AS WELL AS DETERMINE THE COURSE FOR THE NEXT!
AMONG YOUR PETTY ACTIONS LAST YEAR, YOU HAVE EFFECTIVELY TAKEN PART IN A CRACKDOWN ON MISOGYNY! THE GREAT HARVESTER, HAVING ALL GENDERS AND NONE, ENRAGES EASILY IF PART OF ITS EVERLASTING HULL IS DEEMED MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OTHER PART! THE GREAT HARVESTER’S PERPETUAL STATE OF ANGER IS LESSENED AT THIS JUSTIFICATION OF ALL ITS CONSTITUENTS!
A LONG SPREE OF KILLINGS IN DUNGEONS HAS HONED A SCORE OF HARVEST MOON MEMBERS TO GREAT BLOOD CONDUITS FOR THE HARVESTER! ALTHOUGH IT HAS EXHAUSTED ITS MOST MARGINAL MINION THE GREAT HARVESTER HAS ENJOYED THE STEADY SANGUINARY SUPPLY – AND THERE CAN BE NO QUESTION AS TO THE CONTENTS OF SUBGLACIAL LAKE VOSTOK NOW! MAYBE, WHEN THE HARVESTER WILL FEEL LIKE IT, IT WILL USE ITS VOICE ONCE MORE TO HONOUR BLOODY KILLINGS IN DUNGEONS! BUT WITH THE INTRODUCTION OF THE ADVENTURING PANTHEON, THE SELECTIVE SURVIVAL OF PETTY HARVEST MOON MEMBERS AND THE TARGETED BUTCHERY OF FEATHERED VICTIMS HAS BECOME ALL THE MORE IMPORTANT! EVEN THOUGH OUTNUMBERED ON MEMBERS, SHORTLY AFTER THE INTRODUCTION OF THE PANTHEON DID HARVEST MOON GRASP THE #1 POSITION FROM THE ADMIRERS OF BRITTLE, FROSTBITTEN BLUETITS! AND ALTHOUGH SAID BLUETITS GOT THE UPPER HAND A COUPLE OF TIMES DUE TO UNTENDED DINOSAURS WANDERING AWAY FROM THE GUILD BY ACCIDENT, THE LEAD IS GRABBED BACK SWIFTLY AND WITH LOTS OF RAUCOUS LAUGHTER TIME AND TIME AGAIN!
THIS TOP DOGGERY IN ADVENTURING IS JUST ONE OF THE SUPER-AWESOME THINGS IN HARVEST MOON: YOU HAVE BEEN ATTRACTING NEW MEMBERS AND REACTIVATING OLD ONES BY DOMINEERING THE DUELERS AND ADVENTURERS PANTHEONS, AND BY SENDING OUT LEWD VOICE COMMANDS IN DUNGEONS AND BEING A GENERAL NUISANCE TO OTHERS IN PARTICULAR! YOU HAVE BEEN ATTRACTING ALL MANNER OF MISFITS!
SPEAKING OF MISFITS, SOME OF YOU ARE STILL GOODIE-GOODIE DESIGNATED PURE GOOD PLAYERS EVIL WANNABES, WILLING TO LEND TEMPLED ACCOUNTS TO PLAYERS INFINITELY MORE CUNNING, DECEITFUL, TREACHEROUS AND UNSCRUPULOUS AS THEMSELVES! LET THIS BE A GOOD LESSON IN EVIL TO YOU ALL! THE GREAT HARVESTER DOES APPRECIATE THE DELIGHTFUL MONITORING, REPORTING, AND BULLYING CAMPAIGN AGAINST SAID ACCOUNT THIEF! THE MOTTO FOR THIS CONTINUED COURSE OF ACTION SHOULD BE ALL LIARS DOTH REPORT; NOBODY CAN RILE US ZEALOTS!
LAST YEAR, YOU HAVE BEEN ON YOUR POSITIVELY WORST BEHAVIOR, AND FOR THE COMING YEAR OF HORRORS THE GREAT HARVESTER DEMANDS EVER MORE OF THE SAME! THESE ARE THE DESIGNATED GOALS FOR THE PERIOD BETWEEN THE HALLOWEENS OF 2017 AND 2018!
- YOU SHALL KEEP DOMINEERING THE ADVENTURING PANTHEON
- YOU SHALL KEEP DOMINEERING THE DUELERY PANTHEON
- YOU SHALL OBSTRUCT, ANNOY, OFFEND, VEX, PEEVE, AND ENRAGE MEMBERS OF OTHER BIG GUILDS AND TINY GUILDS ALIKE WHENEVER YOU CAN [KILLING THEM IN SAILS AND DUNGEONS AND THROWING THEM UNDER THE BUS IN DIGS IS ACCEPTED TOO
- YOU SHALL DEMONSTRATE HOW MUCH JOY CAN BE GAINED FROM JUST BEING SHEER EVIL, AND IN THAT WAY ATTRACT THE EASILY INFLUENCED YET EXPERIENCED PLAYERS FROM OTHER GUILDS
- YOU SHALL LOVE THE OCTOPUS IN A NON-EROTIC WAY [THE GREAT HARVESTER PUT THAT IN TO GET THIS ACCEPTABLE TO EVERYONE], BUT USE IT AS A SEAFOOD SHIELD WHENEVER NECESSARY!
ADDITIONALLY, DURING HALLOWEEN, THE GREAT HARVESTER DEMANDS HORRIBLE VOICE COMMANDS IN DUNGEONS AND IN ARENA COMBAT, AND SHARE THE LOGS OF THE MOST GRUESOME GODVOICES WITH YOUR GUILD!
OH AND THE GREAT HARVESTER DEMANDS YOU STOP YOUR LOVE LETTER WRITING SHENANIGANS, AS IT HAS MADE IT SWALLOW DOWN GLACIERS OF VOMITUS!!!
Employee of the year interview
Stacks of human skulls with a lit red candle resting on each cranium cast flickering shadows across the smoky dimmed room. Kyta S Indigo totters into the room and looks around at the haute macabre decor warily. Sprawled like a feline on the baby sealskin couch is Nyx of Darkness, sipping a glass of Dark Flame and holding a hookah pipe in another, looking half sober. She waves Kyta S Indigo over and hands her a specially prepared glass of virgin Dark Flame.
- Q: Keeeeta! Congratulations on being named Employee of The Year! How do you feel about getting this prestigious mention?
- A: How do I feel? WOHO! That's so freaking awesome! Harvest Moon is the guild I love most and I do my little part to try to make it even better than it already is. And being selected as the Employee of the Year is just... wow!
- Q: So…which insignificant guild were you at before Harvest Moon?
- A:The Forsakens Lament. I loved being there at the first, but it got depressing over time and all the negativity there influenced my real life too. I was more nervous and depressed. Plus I felt like I didn't belong with them... so I left them for Harvest Moon. I had troubles with HM too at first, but now I've perfectly blended in. And I love it.
- Q: What are the top 3 highlights of being in Harvest moon?
- A: The Members: there are a lot of veterans who are always willing to help newbies, but that's not really the point. The real reason why I said the members is because they're honest and they'll say what they really think about you to your face (well, not really with Godville being an online game, but you get my point). They're also loyal: they can mock you, make fun of you, but that's just part of the fun in the GC; actually, they'll always help a fellow Moonie, whetever it be gameplay matter, moral support, or even real life advice. Fun: Are you crazy for Arena? Craving for killing AFKs in dungeons or pirate them in sails? Love a lively GC and forum thread? Well, we have different ways to have fun for different tastes, and if you think there is something missing, suggest the missing piece to our Blood Council which leads me to… Dependability: most people are always here to help and even happier to receive suggestions for the guild or a possible contest. I come from a guild where suggestions weren't asked, or were asked but never appreciated if it wasn't from the leader or from their long-standing members. While I found many of my ideas appreciated and even taken into account. For example: a separate account for the Harvester, a wikipage for HM-themed/related artwork, and I've even made a new emblem! I've also other projects in mind: like a rivalry between another guild we often love to troll (guess), and a new Arena contest based on custom VCs. But I'm waiting for the interguild brawl contest to end for the latter.
- Q: Explain Harvest Moon in less than 6 words to a developmentally challenged person.
- A: Leave your innocence at the entrance.
- Q: Which Blood Council member do you think should be replaced by you? Why?
- A: Well, as much as I'd love to be in the Blood Council, I don't think I can replace a member in it... Well, maybe only someone who lurks and barely says hi... Mhm... I hope for them they're show up when making important decisions with the other members.
- Q: Pick two Harvest Moon members to be your parents.
- A: DiamondHard and Defosmit. (Please, don't look at me like that, I'm just filling the answer with the first person/thing that pops up in my mind...)
- Q: Tell us 3 things about yourself that would surprise us.
- A: I can rotate my arms by almost 360° degrees. I have yet to have my first kiss. I want to learn boxing for self-defence purposes.
- Q: Name one Harvest Moon member you would love to get naughty with.
- A: Are you really asking me this? I'd never want to get naughty with a guildmate! But there is one I want to cuddle... not telling you who but his name is hard to pronounce.
- Q: What is your most embarrassing moment at Harvest Moon?
- A: I’ve had many embarrassing moments at HM, but the one that tops it all is when I first joined with Ash Valente and bothered pretty much everyone and got expelled for it. Never again.
- Q: If you are leader of Harvest Moon for a term, what will you do?
- A:I don't know, I pretty much suck at being a leader so I guess I'll suck at being HM leader too...
- Q: What advice will you give to new recruits?
- A: Don't be weirded out if you glance at GC at first, we're comfortable around each other, so we may... say really strange stuff without being ashamed or anything. But don't worry, we're sane people... sometimes. Anyway, say hi sometimes, we like people who show up on GC. Also, we have a thing for our totem, for HM, the Harvester isn't just a feature of the game, it is a living being that breathes, speaks, eats and loves sacrifices. And we need to feed it AFKs. Or otherwise it'll eat us. gulp So, yeah. Don't get on its bad side.
- Q: How would you like to be executed if you leave Harvest Moon?
- A: I want to be executed in the weirdest and most nonsense way ever and my corpse to be given to Pysrilexot's harem. I'll leave the rest up to the Blood Council's imagination.
- Q: Lastly…why am I asking you these questions?
- A: Yeah, why are you asking me these question? You shouldn't be asking me that, I dunno.
Nyx: blows a smoky ring at Kyta I don’t know, I’m just following instructions. Whoever wrote these questions ought to be punished, severely. Preferably chained up and disciplined lovingly by the Leader….
Anyway, thank you for the lovely interview! Seems like the Blood Council finally made a right decision by picking you to represent the upcoming generation of Harvest Moon. We hope you will work harder and become a Blood Council member by the next term…as long as you ain’t replacing me.
Shepard of the Anus Report By Bellteshazzar
|Sheparding Evil Since 898 g.e.
Halloween is nearly upon us. So, you know what that means...more things to be irritated at! As your unfriendly neighborhood curmudgeon, I feel it my duty to give out a few pointers to ease the frustration at the world's stupidity over this consumerist "holiday".
The big question -- what candy to get? Do you really wanna hear some dumb brat complain about your selection of sweets? From experience, let me save you some jail time by pinpointing which candy (and why) to get for certain guilds. This will ensure you have no troubles kicking them off your doorstep, before the candy hits the bottom of the plastic pumpkin.
Harvest Mooners will scamper away with red eyes alight, when you hand them over a plain old dark chocolate bar. Honestly, what's more evil than that utter garbage?! If that's not the devil's turds, I don't know what is.
Blue Feathers will do nicely with a Mr. Goodbar. Because to be THAT good, it helps to be a little nuts...
Forsakens Lament crowd will be oohing and aahing over your Twix bars. Not sure what all their whining and lamenting is over, but have a second bar on us. Maybe give that second one to a new friend; that should cheer you up!
As for Guild Name, what could be better than candy corn in a sad, transparent Zip-loc baggy? Nothing, that's what. Mediocrity loves this disdainfully mundane candy. Seriously, though, if you're not gonna eat it the rest of the year, is it REALLY that necessary?
Hug Central, you say? Werther's Originals. What says we're WAY to into hugging like some creepy uncle's pocket lint-infested candy? Ya creeps, back off.
As for the guild we're suddenly closely allied with that I can't be bothered to remember your name but I seem to remember an octopus emoji...clever, I mean I've gotta hand it to you. An octopus? Who'd have...who woulda...mraehwho cares?! Get off my front porch, and take yer danged Butterfingers! I assume that's why the need for eight arms. Must have the hand-eye coordination of a sea sponge.
Hmm, who else, who else. Stupid holiday with its stupid...oh yeah! Guide to the Galaxy gets a Milky Way. What? They can't all be clever! C'mon, they're both space related; you come up with something better!
Who could forget the band over at Camelot? 3 Musketeers seems fitting, I guess. Seems the same era, but not sure it meshes well. Not very appropriate now I think of it. Definitely not a good choice. Brave, honor-bound, gallant knights of Camelot, on one hand. Gay Frenchies playing happy slaps with epees, on the other. (DISCLAIMER: use 3 Musketeers at your own risk. Camelotians may not take too kindly to French chocolate-based insults. If you find yourself in mortal danger, offer them a Heath Bar. Distract them with word association. Heath Bar, Heath Ledger, A Knight's Tale, Kinights, you guys! Plus, it's got ENGLISH toffee in don'it?)
Last, and almost certainly least, we have Slaves to Armok. Arnok? No, I'm 95% sure it's Armok. For these indentured servants of one Mr. R. Mok, I suggest a 100 Grand bar. As slaves, they'll never see a dime, but let'em think they've gotten something for one night. I've got a soft spot for the old crew of Señor R. Mok.
Indeed, I have a sweet spot for all the guilds in this ridiculous land. Even a curmudgeon like me! Buuuuuuurp! Ack...must've had too much o' that outdated moonshine. I wasn't getting sentimental was I? Get off my gawl darn patio! And, uh, have a Happy Halloween, you could for nothing little...
Neighborhoods has seen a rise of ghoul and ghost related crime. Please contact the local priests for help. Please do not feed them; the undead and the clergy.
Coroners ID corpse which was half chewed and burned at the mouth the local dungeon. A few hours later it was resurrected and sent off it's way.
Construction on Milestone 666 will occur at the end of month and through the first of November. Please watch out for the walking dead while riding your pet.
Eye of Newt is the craze at the local farmers market, please look for the The Three Sisters if you want to add some spice to your brew