Planning for “Retirement”
Influencing your hero's Savings
Better than filling your mattress with gold coins.
You have a temple and BOOM! A new goal pops up: Retirement and the Pantheon of Savings. If you decide you want to climb the ranks, here’s some information you might find helpful.
Whether your hero/ine donates in town is a random occurrence, but there are towns that have higher donation percentages when they do donate. If you want to work on savings the trick is to visit those towns that typically have a larger percentage donation rate when your hero does donate. The two best towns for savings post temple are, not coincidentally, the two known for being the worst for wasting pre-temple: Beerburgh and Los Adminos. The new town of Herowin also appears to be great for savings and horrendous pre-temple wasting.
In addition to visiting those towns you will want to have plenty of gold/bold items to sell. Best-case scenario: when a donation happens, you have a large sum to donate from and are in a town with known large-percentage donations. With a temple comes the occasional free charge and the handy-dandy miracle button! If you’re a payer, even better. Use your charges for miracles while traveling to fill your inventory with bolds on the way back to the targeted towns to increase the gold balance. Digging for gold, bricks and bosses also helps, but we all know the miracles are a sure thing for bold items.
The "go to town" Voice Command seems to increase in the chance for a donation but this is anecdotal and not definitively proven. Also note: an aura of abstinence will prevent any retirement donations.
Good luck with retirement! 30 million gold coins seems a lofty goal, but one of us is bound to get there sooner of later and it might as well be you!
Special thanks to SBFH for letting us
plagarize borrow his savings info! You rock bearfriend!
At Home with Bella Stewart
| Advice from the Mavin of the Macabre, the Mistress of Mystery, our very own Empress: Bellatrixie The Strange!
Hello, Evil Readers! It's time again to answer some of your inane, I mean astute questions! Nothing brightens my day like a good belly laugh after opening the mailbag, so keep sending them in!
"Dear Bella, My solar bear keeps relieving himself all over my new shiny temple. I've tried all the traditional ways of potty training but nothing's working - help!"
I hate to break it to you, but there is no way to potty train a solar bear, though it would have been really amusing to see you try. I don't suppose you have any video....? At any rate, you've apparently forgotten that you have a hero to do your dirty work. A shovel, bucket, scrub brush and an itchy punish button finger are all you should need to convince him to keep your temple clean and odor-free. He's still balking? Tell him you want a new temple. I'll bet he starts right in scrubbing.
"Dear Bella, It's STILL snowing. Make it stop!!"
Can you see me shaking my head in disbelief? Why on earth would you even think of wanting such a thing? You do know what follows winter, don't you? Spring! The worst season of the year! Trees budding, flowers blooming, birds singing, bees buzzing, rainbows, baby things, cheerful, happy faces. Gag. How nauseating. Relish the snow as long as you can! And when you can't hold back the warm weather anymore, shut the drapes, stay inside and pretend there's still a blizzard out there! Honestly, I'm tempted to revoke your Evil License.
"Dear Bella, What can I do with all my leftover decorations now that Easter is over and done with?"
Well, obviously, if it's anything chocolate, eat it. Or better yet, send it to me. I'll...dispose of it. Here are some fun ways I recycle some of my other Easter stuff:
- Old Easter eggs? Keep them out at room temperature until they're good and ripe, then - to the pup-a-pult! Pelting your friends' and rivals' temples with rotten eggs is a perfect way to ruin one of those awful lovely spring days!
- Stale Peeps? A cardboard box, a knife, and a bottle of ketchup are all you need to make a fun diorama of "After the Battle of Waterloo." Microwave for added authenticity!
- Baby bunnies, chicks and ducklings? Are you sure you're in the right guild? I mean, really...you may need a total alignment adjustment at the Harvest Moon day spa. Hurry. It may already be too late.
Get To Know a Deity
Here we sit down weekly with a Harvest Moon warrior and find out what makes them tick. This week’s Deity is: Beeporama 庙
Watch out, kiddos, this one bites!
- Q: What is your favorite salty snack?
- A: The tears of my hero.
- Q: What are your hero’s marketable skills?
- A: He's been renting himself out as a lightning rod for parades and picnics.
- Q: What color underwear are you wearing?
- A: Black. Like the color of my soul.
- Q: Do you get emotional using Encourage when in times of crisis?
- A: Fortunately I am a sociopath and incapable of feeling emotion.
- Q: How do you like to spend your spare time?
- A: Hiking, reading, long walks on the beach, quiet evenings in front of a fire, watching my foes crushed before me and hearing the lamentations of their women.
- Q: If you had to eat your hero, which part of the body would you tuck into first?
- A: The brain... best to start with a very light aperitif, practically an amuse-bouche, before a meal of substance. Fortunately the liver is sufficiently pickled to save that part for a rainy day.
- Q: Of all of the equipment out there, what is your ultimate, dream “outfit” for your hero?
- A: SEVEN PAIRS OF ICARUS WINGS.
- Q: What's the most evil thing your hero has done in your temple?
- A: That is base slander cooked up by my political opponents. I did not have relations with that Blue Feather. This interview is over. (throws mic on floor, storms off)
Okay, then! If you have a burning question for Harvest Moon's Deities, please submit them to the staff. Thank you!
April Absurdity is about to begin!
No holds barred! Bring it!
It's HM vs KWSN in the first ever Moon-Ni tourney!
The Absurdity begins this Saturday, April 13th. The gladiators will be competing for Fabulass™ prizes in the form of charges PLUS instant self gratification (and bragging rights for their respective guilds).
There are some great matchups in this tourney and we’re sure you won’t want to miss a beat!
Feel free to join the [godville tournament of champions] group on Palringo for more “live” action! Special thanks to the ToC organizers for letting us borrow the group. Not on Pal? Get there! Or you can track your favorite gladiator’s progress by keeping an eye on the brackets: http://damdai.com/tonamento/tournaments/3674/april-absurdity.
Good luck to the warriors of Harvest Moon!
In lieu of anything special to announce, we give you:
~Words of Wisdom from H. J. Simpson
“All right, brain. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but let’s just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.”
Famous HM Heroes This Week
|#819 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1063 g.e.
|Masselin - 76th-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “Blood Moon Marauder ☾”, stands at the 47th position in the pantheon of might under the vigilant supervision of the god Masse . He is a huge fan of Anville’s pubs.
Belteshazzar the Confounding
New feature! Belteshazzar can predict your future! Will he? Eh... Maybe. This week’s mail-bag grab found three questions from Doctor Frank-n-furter .
Belt knows all! Or he’s lost it. We aren’t sure yet.
- Q: Should I build an interocitor?
- A: Yes. Then, you can find out just how unintelligent you really are for asking this question. An interocitor? I have the brain power to move galaxies, and you ask that?!
- Q: Will I one day succeed at building the perfect man?
- A: Not if you waste your time on that blasted interocitor! Plus, once you find out how feeble-minded you are after the interocitor finishes your test, you'll be too depressed. Your "perfect man" will end up a goth.
- Q: Will my hero’s dust bunny rule an evil empire? (Fingers crossed!)
- A: If it's stuck with someone more interested in interocity, then I highly doubt it. Besides, everyone knows the most evil place a dust bunny can rule is a dark corner in a storage shed.
If you’d like your future confounded, PM Belteshazzar or submit your questions to any member of the Weekly Harvest staff! Minimum of three questions, please, and no more than five.
|Selling Evil Since Day 898 g.e.
NEW from Wamco: the first ever selective hearing aids. Now you can ignore your boss, mother in law, or wife with a clear conscience but still be able to hear your best friend, girlfriend, or hero whenever you want. Inquire at your local healer!
FOR HIRE: Boa constrictor. Will work for food. No references
SERVICES: Dead Again Mortuaries. Rebury your hero in a lovely ceremony. Call DEAD-AGAIN2 for a quote today!
NEW: Blue Feather tour bus. See the sites that will scare the pants off of even the most evil gods on this goody-goody bus tour! Mild sedatives provided. Call SCARY-GOOD-1 to book your ticket today!
SERVICES: Deity Bank - we put a high rate of interest in your coin purse. Multiple locations to
service serve you.
PRODUCTS: Executive Lines Pet Leash now available with a rent-to-own plan or lease. Even the poorest hero can afford to make their Heffalump look like a superstar with a brand new rhinestone leash. Call today: RHI-NO-STONE!
NEW PRODUCT: Gag-a-Maggot Incense, for all your ritual purification needs. Now available in: Putrid Flesh, Decaying Flesh, Burning Hair, and Apocalypse Rush.
Ravings from a Geezer
| Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy, position or opinion of the Harvest Moon Blood Council, any deity on the HMWH staff (or remotely associated with the Weekly Harvest) or any other |sane HM member or GV participant.
I can't keep silent on this week's subject anymore. One of the most ridiculous, one of the most mind-numbing, one of the most absurd and appalling issues ever to face mankind. Science in children's television programs.
Remember when science knew its role and was shoved into a program made especially for it? That buffoon Bill Nye and the strange menace Beakman's World at least had the decency to mind their business and stay put on nearly unwatchable shows.
But nowadays, science feels the need to infest many shows that it has no business being in. Dinosaur shows, for instance. Science has managed to ruin one of the once truly great things about childhood, dinosaurs. It's made them out to be sissies. Quit putting moronic designs and feathers on these terrible lizards! For the love of all that is still pure, right and sane, take a flying leap, science. Why don't you just dress up dinosaurs in feathered boas, and have them doing a conga into a massive tar pit? That's what you've done, emasculated the once incredible Tyrannosaurus Rex.
If I have to hear the phrase, "Fifty million years ago..." in kid's programming ever again, I'm going to take my HDTV to the nearest broadcasting company and cram it down the throat of the first executive I meet. If you have to promote your viewpoint in the same way propaganda gets hammered into people's brains, then your stuff is weak sauce. Pathetic. "Get 'em young, and get 'em often" is science's motto.
I mean, when did nerds earn the right to our attention. These are the same dorks and dweebs that on the street you would openly mock and give wedgies to on the subway. And no one would stop you! But give them a camera and microphone, and suddenly we eat it up. That's my biggest gripe.
All this science in kid's shows is going to be the death of imagination. One of the greatest things you have to look forward to in parenting is making stuff up and having your children's minds blown. Or just letting them make it up on their own! I want to tell my son rainbows are made when unicorns eat a particularly spicy Mexican dish and fart themselves to death as they arc across the sky, but I can't now. He says, "Oh no, daddy. Rainbows are made when light gets refracted through raindrops and..." By that time I've walked off, after grounding him to his room for "lack of imaginative humor." Soon, the only good books written will have to come from asylum inmates and drug addicts, because children will no longer be able to think for themselves.
I have a perfect solution for this, though. Why don't you scientists take your microscopes, which you're SO fond of, and put them in Sun Don't Shine Land? That's one area we'd all love to see you study. And the best part about this is, science will try to tell me that that fantastical land doesn't exist. But it does, I assure you. Just let me help you with that microscope...
If you have complaints about this article, that's because you're a halfwit who needs to spend more time reading science fiction and talking to the opposite sex. So instead of whining, why don't you pass me your microscope?
Over the Moon
The Weekly Harvest Quiz
You can’t win if you don’t play!
How to play:
- Each week, there will be four “questions” posted here (and only here) in the Weekly Harvest. Answers to the questions can be found in the wiki, on the HM web site, in the forums or will be math/logic-based.
- Your “answers” must be in question form (a-la Jeopardy!).
- Answers must be submitted via the Harvest Moon Forum. Answers only, please! Don’t give away the questions to non-WH readers.
- The first god/dess to get all four questions right will win four (4) charges and be automatically entered to play in the Over the Moon Championship, held monthly on Palringo (yes, you’ll need to join Pal to play).
- The winner of the OtM Championship (to be based on a different game show each month) will receive 45 charges!!
This week’s Answers:
- This is the term for being afraid of an empty beer glass. (Hint: not to be confused with being afraid of an empty glass.)
- This is the full term of the part of the Diary that shows what your hero is doing right now.
- This is the number of items your hero can carry when he or she is level 80.
- This is the sum of the minimal level your hero/ine needs to be in order to be sent to the arena and the minimal level your hero/ine needs to be before they can start having sparring (challenge a friend) fights.
Congratulations to last month’s winner: Static Panda The game came down to a riveting three-way tie and he won the “unGoogle-able tiebreaker.” Who will be this month's first winner and Championship round player? It could be you! See you in the forum! Good luck!