Trouble with Tribbles?
What trouble with Tribbles? Nine easy uses:
- It's still coldish in some of these god's climes... Hunt down two, spear them on either end of a metal strip shaped to one's head and use them as earmuffs!
- Is it getting too warm for your tribble earmuffs? Take one tribble off, straighten the metal, and you have a handy dandy duster!
- Are you hungry? Heat the skewered tribble over a grill on high heat. The excess hair (and dust) should burn off this way. Nothing makes mouths water more than the scent of burning hair and they’re a great substitute for kitten sandwiches.
- Bad hair day? Collect a bunch and arrange them for a fantastic hair piece.
- Switch a similar colored one out for your friend's guinea pig or chinchilla and see how long it takes them to catch on.
- Stash one in those silly casks of booze these guilds keep tithing each other. Smile, knowing that you've given them the gift that keeps on giving!
- Use a lint roller to pick up excess tribble hair, and use it to knit holiday sweaters for friends and family!
- Short on balls for your kid's birthday ball pit? Why not a tribble pit instead?
- Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not a veterinarian, blow them out of the airlock!
Doctor Frank's Advice Corner
|Dear Dr. Frank,
I have a question for your column: I am a good goddess but I have found it intoxicatingly fun to punish my heroine. What is wrong with me? Am I turning evil? Will I soon develop a craving for small animal sandwiches?
As much as I hate to admit it, I encourage my hero now an then. It’s fun to watch birds of paradise fly up his nose and in general confuse the heck out of him by healing his opponent in the arena. Does this make me a goody-goodie? I should think not! There is nothing wrong with you, darling. It’s perfectly natural to enjoy punishing her.
She wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for you and she back-talks and sasses and infuriates you whether you’re kind to her or not. She deserves to be knocked down a peg. And how are you supposed to help her kill monsters without the occasional punish? How is she supposed to get a leg up in an arena match or a skirmish without you helping her hit a little harder than the other guy? I have it on good authority that even those at the tippy-top of the Pantheon of Creation hit the Punish button now and then (they’ll deny it, so don’t bother asking).
If you happen to crave the occasional sandwich with less goody-goody ingredients, don’t fear! We have plenty! Besides, everyone cheats on their diet now and then. You think I have it easy finding low-fat heroes all the time? I do not. And, if you decide that evil is more fun than good, you’re always welcome to join the dark side. Besides... we have cookies. ;)
No question is too great or too small! Submit your questions for Doctor Frank-n-furter to any member of the staff. No invites? Send them via email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Get To Know a Deity
Here we sit down weekly with a Harvest Moon warrior and find out what makes them tick. This week’s Deity is: Der Moerder 庙
So scary, his hero beat 115 people
with both hands tied behind his back.
- Q: What is your favorite salty snack?
- A: I have a problem. I like to suck on salty metal. The handle of my sword, loose change, that stuff.
- Q: What GV pet would you like to have?
- A: a Multi-legged lugage or dreaded gazebo could be nice.
- Q: Do you get emotional using Encourage when in times of crisis?
- A: I don't encourage in times of crisis. There is no time when I should alleviate my hero's suffering.
- Q: How do you like to spend your spare time?
- A: I love to send my hero to the arena and hope he loses. It’s my favorite part of Godville. At times I've thought about abandoning my main account, but then my work to be an honored favorite would go to waste. This is the account that keeps me coming back everyday, though.
- Q: If you had to eat your hero, which part of the body would you tuck into first?
- A: If I were to eat my hero, it would all be blended up into a smoothie. I’d start with the heart, though.
If you have a burning question for Harvest Moon's Deities, please submit them to the staff. Thank you!
Over the Moon
The Weekly Harvest Quiz
You can’t win if you don’t play!
Over the past four weeks, our readers have vied for the chance to compete for fun and prizes in the “Over The Moon” quiz. Questions (and crosswords puzzles) were posted here and answers were posted in the Harvest Moon Forum.
Each week’s winner received four (4) charges and was automatically entered to play in the Over the Moon Championship, held monthly on Palringo. Artsonian , Royal Highness , Godofbeer and Static Panda will be competing for 45 charges!
This month’s OtM Championship:
Think “Password”, but call it the OtMC! Each contestant will attempt to get a “celebrity guest” to guess a word without saying it themselves.
All participants and audience members (all are welcome!) should join the [otm game show] group on Palringo. We’d like to ask the contestants to please message either Hairplug4men or Doctor Frank-n-furter to let us know what time(s) work best for you. Our hope would be to finish in time to publish the results (along with our next quiz) in next week’s Weekly Harvest.
Good luck to the contestants and happy viewing to our audience!
Attention warriors of Harvest Moon!
Member of the Week
Get to know a newer member of Harvest Moon! This week's guest is: Static Panda
What? Static is evil. It’s not his fault he’s cute.
- Q: How did you choose HM?
- A: I already had an evil alignment, so I definitely wanted a guild that matched that. It was just my luck that Bellatrixie The Strange had recently commented and the HM thread was top in the guild headquarters forums.
- Q: Where does your hero hide his coin purse?
- A: Tucked in his underwear, the guards in cities don't usually check there when their shaking you down for an "entrance fee". ;)
- Q: Name some things that you and your heroine have in common.
- A: my hero likes to question the purpose of a lot of things, which is not unlike me at all.
- Q: What advice would you give a newer player?
- A: Use voice commands when you don’t have enough for an influence but are in need of some sort of kick.
- Q: What toppings do you like on your kitten sammiches?
- A: Bacon is a must! Along with a bit of shredded cheese and ketchup.
- Q: Where would your heroine go on her first date...assuming she ever gets one?
- A: My hero get a date? Hah! But if he did, I'd guess he would go to Monsterdam. The cries of the creatures in the night under a full moon are quite peaceful.
What would you like to know about your Harvest Moon guild mates? Submit your questions to any member of the Weekly Harvest staff!
|Selling Evil Since Day 898 g.e.
FOR SALE: Tribble cage, tribble bed, tribble exercise wheel, tribble leash and halter, tribble food bowls. Like new, barely used. Call 1-THEYRE GONE
WANTED: One puppy by the name of “Squishy”. For a
certain ballerina goodie goddess looking for new puppykicking material a friend to cuddle with! Talk to Cecc for information - and bring the puppy. She’s just the messenger, really!
NEEDED: One-dozen flying monkeys for evil plot. Must be purebred. I will know if you’re gluing wings onto lemurs! Call 254-WITCH-WEST for delivery details. I’ll get you, my pretty!
HELLO READERS: This is your mother. Why don't you ever call me anymore?
NEW: Gag-a-Maggot Incense, for all your ritual purification needs. Now available in: Putrid Flesh, Decaying Flesh, Burning Hair, and Apocalypse Rush. Available at all fine retailers.
FOR SALE: Leftover Easter eggs sold by the dozen. Great for egging your neighbor’s temple. Call NO-HARD-BOIL.
NEW LOCATION: Doctor Frank’s Discount Body World. Whether you need an arm and a leg to pay off a loan shark or you’re looking for ingredients for a delicious eyeball stew, we have body parts for all occasions! Visit our new, retail location behind the back alley of the arena in Godville. First come, first served. Most sales final.
Ravings from a Geezer
| Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy, position or opinion of the Harvest Moon Blood Council, any deity on the HMWH staff (or remotely associated with the Weekly Harvest) or any other |sane HM member or GV participant.
You know what really chaps my hide? Old ladies in nursing homes. I'm trying to take a five-second shortcut through the home to get to the bus stop, and these old coots can't get out of the way. I estimate each bump as a whole 1.25 seconds delay!
That means if just five grannies can't get outta my way fast enough, I'm already losing time. How am I supposed to cheat the system if old fogies haven't learned to duck and weave properly?
This has opened my eyes to the atrocity we know as nursing homes. What are these facilities doing, if they can't train their subjects to steer clear of the bearded lunatic running through their game room trying to reach the back exit, which is a straight shot to the #13 bus stop? I'm practicing my Jesse Owens impersonation, and these folks aren't helping.
I've begun to get even, though. Sometimes on my way through, I loudly cry out random letters and numbers like "B12!" or "G53!" and watch the old biddies fly into panic searching for the bingo card that doesn't exist. Of course, this only means more old ladies to practice my hockey body checking on, but it is still worth every 1.25 seconds.
If you have had a similar experience and want to share your thoughts, bugger off. No one cares. Start your own paper, if you want your inane thoughts printed.
So much pressure to be “special”... What if we had just a “regular” announcement? Could we call it “special” anyway and just pretend?