How well do you know Hp4m?
milkman? HP is, that’s who!
Yes, folks, this is indeed an entire edition of the Weekly Harvest dedicated to Hairplug4men . Why? Is it because this paper was his idea in the first place and we’d like to say “thanks”? Is it because, even through his quests for the Careerist and Renegade achievements, he found ways to remain an active, supportive member of HM? Is it because he’s one of the nicest, most helpful evil guys we know? Is it because he does something almost every single day to make Godville a happier, more inclusive, more fun and welcoming place for people of all guilds? Is it because he won the final round of April Absurdity (the HM vs. KWSN tournament), thus giving all Harvest Moon members the ability to say “We’re #1!” (even though we’d never do that because we’re awesome enough without boasting about it) and we’re all really proud of him? Or is it because we hope that once he finally gets the recognition he deserves for all of the above, he’ll finally take a shower and put some clothes on?
Try your hand at answering these:
- What is HP's favorite object?
- What is HP's favorite beverage?
- Who is the one that knocked HP out of the second Tournament of Champions: The Hunger Games?
- Who guards the door to HP's closet?
- What does Bella have to bring HP to gain admittance to his closet?
- What guild did HP go to for Careerist?
- What article of clothing does HP occasionally wear with his sock?
- What is the level of HP’s oldest GV account?
- What is the name of HP’s real-life (and perfect in every way) dog?
- What band did real-life HP get to jam with, on stage, as a kid?
Answers are posted at the bottom, right of this issue. How did you do?
- Get 0 correct: You don’t know HP at all and should correct this issue immediately!
- Get 1-3 correct: You browsed the forum once or twice but you really should get to know HP better.
- Get 4-5 correct: Congratulations! You know HP better than the people who’ve never met him and don’t pay attention! (That’s sarcasm, folks. Do better!)
- Get 6-7 correct: You’ve paid attention! You know, and possibly even like, HP!
- Get 8-9 correct: You helped with the questions, know HP really well and certainly aren’t questioning why we’d dedicate an entire paper to him... or you’re HP. Hi, HP! Surprise! :D
- Get all 10 correct: You’re either the answer to question #4 or you’re holding them hostage and should probably let them go.
At Home with Bella Stewart
| Advice from the Mavin of the Macabre, the Mistress of Mystery, our very own Empress: Bellatrixie The Strange!
Top Ten Evil Things to Do With HP's Sock
10. Exchange it for a pink, frilly one.
9. Sneak it off his foot at night and run it up the flagpole.
8. Hide it under a guild noob's pillow.
7. Switch it with the star of the next Sowing Sun show's sock puppet.
6. Dry the dishes with it.
5. Hand it to someone who asks for a hankie to blow their nose on.
4. Glue it to the ceiling (actually, it might stick without any glue).
3. Pup-a-pult it at the temple of that arena opponent who miracled your equipment to smithereens.
2. Wash it.
And the number one evil thing to do with HP's sock:
1. Lock it in a plexiglass case for months on end while HP abandons us to get his careerist and renegade achievements.
Get To Know a Deity
Here we sit down weekly with a Harvest Moon warrior and find out what makes them tick. This week’s Deity is: Hairplug4men 庙畜
10 a cheap mints down, 2 to go!
- Q: How do we make this work since HP has no idea we’re doing this and we already asked him the silly questions folks answer here in Issue #17?
- A: We’ll skip asking him questions and have Belteshazzar Confound us all by answering our questions about HP!
- Dogess: Will HP ever put pants on? Not on his head or as a cape, but actually put pants on as they were designed to be worn?
- A: I'm sure that once he learns the crazy technology of the zipper, he'll gladly put on pants again. HP is a simple man and, as such, lives a simple life which requires little in the way of dressing up or at all.
- Zeerty: Cool fact: HP likes Pacman. If his truck is Pacman, what are the dots and the monsters?
- A:The monsters are clearly police cars. And the dots? Grown men that ride on Vespas.
- Makaze: Do milkmen cry over spilt milk?
- A: They weep like babies over it. Imagine if you spilled whatever it is you make a living from. Coffee for a Starbucks employee. Blood of the innocent for a surgeon. The cultural lifeline for a Hollywood producer. Massive amounts of Botox for Cher.
- Raindropstop: Will HP's milkshake ever bring all the boys to the yard?
- A: Indeed it will. When he delivers a huge shipment of milkshakes to the state pen, all the fellas will leave their cells and head out to the yard. HP will deliver the finest milkshakes they've ever had, causing them to repent from their treacherous lifestyles. They'll soon be let out on good behavior and become upstanding citizens that give back to society. They'll be bankers, politicians, lawyers... Yes, they're still crooks but legal ones now.
- Lady Darkness: Will HP be the first to be "Honored" on all available achievements?
- A: If there's one guy out there with nothing else better to do than chase after meaningless achievements in a meaningless game, then HP is definitely the guy to do it. I'd put my money on him, if I didn't suffer from cheapskateitis.
If you have a burning question for Harvest Moon's Deities, please submit them to the staff. Thank you!
Tournament time! It'll be a scream!
April Absurdity: Hairplug4men won the final round!! We’re all very happy we had him to represent us. Congratulations, HP! Well fought, well won. You’re #1 and by getting there, you earned HM the trophy for our guild hall mantle until we all go crazy and decide to do it again.
Summer No-Influence Tournament: It’s underway! We have 32 competitors for this one, so prepare for a wild ride! Whoever’s hero manages to win this one all by their lonesome will certainly have earned their prize.
Feel free to come hang out, watch the festivities and cheer on your guildmates in the [hmtr] group on Palringo. Not on Pal yet? No worries! We'll get you started! You can follow the brackets on the HM web site as well. Good luck to the competitors! May the odds be ever in your favor!
HP! Why didn’t you do anything special this week so this section could be all about you, too! Too bad collecting 12,500 snakes in Tapped Out doesn’t count in GV. Anyway...
Congratulations to Bellatrixie the Strange , Strahdd and Zeerty on reaching the rank of Prophet in Harvest Moon! Lots of new prophets lately and we’re proud of each and every one of you!! These guys just happened to say it out loud.
Congratulations to Ceccetticat for completing her 1111th quest on May 2nd! Now for Quest #1234! Go, Cecc!
Famous HM Heroes This Week
|#843 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1090 g.e.
|Makilach - 66th-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “Keep Calm & Chive On!”, stands at the 96th position in the pantheon of destruction under the vigilant supervision of the god Almighty Malikai . We've had many reports that a Bald Mammoth has been afraid to make eye contact with him since their last encounter.
|#845 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1091 g.e.
|SouthernCharmz -74th-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “~Crusader of the Moon! ~”, stands at the 122nd position in the pantheon of might under the vigilant supervision of the god A R I E S . He is known for his disarming smile and ability to wake even the most exhausted comrades with his laughter.
|#846 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1092 g.e.
|Quadfather – 81st-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “☾Speaker of the Moon ☾”, stands at the 48th position in the pantheon of taming under the vigilant supervision of the god Thirdeye0pen . He always wanted to take one for the team, but never found the time.
|#847 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1093 g.e.
|SouthernCharmz - 75th-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “~Crusader of the Moon! ~☾”, stands at the 119th position in the pantheon of might under the vigilant supervision of the god A R I E S . His worst enemy - a Wal-Martian. Favorite trophy - something that looks like some navigational breadcrumbs. He is also a huge fan of Tradeburg’s pubs.
Belteshazzar the Confounding
This weeks confoundees are Hairplug4men and his wife Naturalblondechick . Thought you two could stump the master? Hahahahaha!
Belt knows all! Or he’s lost it. We aren’t sure yet.
- NBC: How many roads must a man walk down before he can find Peter Pan?
- A: Only one, depending on where you live in reference to a grocery store. The best peanut butter out there, I say. Always crunchy. If you like smooth peanut butter, then you also like Spam, Lifetime channel, and the Nazis.
- HP: Did you know the average gallon of milk cost $4?
- A: $4?! What a ripoff. Swing by my place sometime, and I'll have Gertrude, my housekeeper and mother of eighteen kids, top you up free of charge.
- HP: Is my wife cheating on me in our Words With Friends game?
- A: I really hate to break it to you this way, but yes. She's been cheating on you for awhile with a guy named Frank from down at the...oh wait...you said in a game? Um, wow. This is awkward. Er, look at it this way. At least you can take joy in knowing she never cheated playing on a triple word score.
- HP: How long will it finally take me to defeat everybody in the arena enough times to teach them to stop coming back for more?
- A: A very long time indeed. My cubic zirconia ball can't read that far into the future. That's how far. Heroes are quite dense, you know. Often forgetful and gluttons for punishment. You're better off just staying away from the arena. Maybe take up a hobby like soap carving or staring at a blank wall.
- NBC: I once dated a rooster but lost track of him. Do you know where he went?
- A: Hmm, I'll have to think long and hard about this one. I'm looking in the ball. I see a dark shaft that goes down into the earth. What looks like neon lighting. And the letters KFC. Well, either they've opened a new fried chicken restaurant in a Guatemalan mine, or...nope. He's definitely been yanked, plucked, and deep fried. Sorry.
- NBC: Will my dream of winning Hell's Kitchen ever be fulfilled?
- A: As soon as you off Gordon Ramsey, I'll pay your entrance fee myself. That obnoxious little twerp. What has that guy seen in life that would cause those ridges on his face? Cooking can't do that. He's seen some wild stuff, believe me.
If you’d like your future confounded, PM Belteshazzar or submit your questions to any member of the Weekly Harvest staff! Minimum of three questions, please, and no more than five.
|Selling Evil Since Day 898 g.e.
|PERSONAL: Looking for that perfect match to fix my broken sole. Any shape, size, and color will do. Here's my number. Call me, maybe? IAM-HPS-SOCK
SERVICES: Do people gag when you walk by? Ever think that maybe your socks are dirty? Call DEM-RANK today and a trained sock washing professional will come to your house and show you how to care for your pairs.
APB: Missing itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot sock. Worn for the first time today. We repeat... Missing itsy, bitsy, teentie, weenie, yellow polka-dot sock. Contact your local Blood Council if found.
SERVICES: Carnivorous apples after you? Call 1-866-FRT-NNJA for speedy removal. Pay in cash only.
WANTED: Large metal cutter and blowtorch. Deliver to the bear trap in front of Ceccetticat’s temple.
FOR SALE: Genuine Milk Mustaches! Show everyone that milk does a body good by sporting your very own milk mustache. Get the full experience and milk the cow yourself! Available in white, chocolate and strawberry. Mooove on over to the Make You Creamery in Beerburgh!
Hoity-Toity Poetry Contest
Nobody voted so... HP gets to pick the winner and I told him to choose Elementarion
who worked very hard to incorporate not just GV, but his actual hero into his limerick. Congrats, El! HM’s semi-official poet laureate and thanks for participating!
As promised, you will be publicly lauded and showered with adoration and your work, of course, will be posted in the forum for all to see. But enough about you, El - this issue's about HP!
Over the Moon
The Weekly Harvest Quiz
You can’t win if you don’t play!
Congratulations to last week’s winner: Anonymouse who is vying against Kaam Dev , Royal Highness , Godofbeer and Varza in this month’s championship. Come join us on Palringo in the [otm game show] group to cheer on the contestants and the host of the mad-capped game show, none other than Hairplug4men ! Good luck to you all!
Since we don't have a quiz during championship week, we decided to give you all a "just for fun" quiz on one of HP's favorite shows: The Simpsons! The winner this week will win their very own HM coffee mug emblazoned with one of HP's famous gravatars. Not a winner? Don't worry! They're available for purchace (in white, not black) at the HM Store!
This week's questions:
- The Itchy & Scratchy Show is typically shown within this show on the Simpsons.
- This character was the voice for Poochi.
- One of the kids spent this much money playing a video game for mere a few seconds.
- This a large truck that Otto drove for one day.
The usual rules apply - answer in the forums in questions form. Be the first to get them all correct and you win a new coffee mug! (You will need to give one of us a mailing address if you win, but we aren't all stalkery or anything... much.) Good luck! See you in the Forum!
How Well Do You Know Hp4m? The answers.