Helpless desk heroes

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Revision as of 04:56, 17 September 2014 by Timaeustestified (talk | contribs)
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Hello! We are the Helpless Desk Heros! We are a guild with... Interesting morals and conversations. But we have all come together with one singular goal. Spreading the word about the one true god. Confratulations. Confratulations has shown us the way to a better tomorrow. Confratulations has shown us how to truly become one with our friends and neighbors. Confratulations has shown us the light in the darkness surrounding all of us. Seeing the hollow shell of the dead guild, Confratulations saw fit to grant us a prophet who brought life to the ashes of the council.

Joining us has many perks. You will not be targetted by our hunting parties, and you can get a ride on Hitler the Meat Dragon, the opposite of crystal dragon Jesus. If you wish to attain the same enlightenment that we have, you must have your hero accomplish the following steps.

First, you need to go to the orphanage in Godville. Go to the closet in the basement. Inside, you will meet a purple walrus in a cloak. He will give you a baby seal, a vial of orphan tears, and a ceremonial club. You will then proceed deep into the wilderness East of Godville. You will eventually stumble upon a pit bull in a go-kart. Beat it to death and then search it's spleen. You will find a map that will lead you to the Altar of Peace and Prosperity. When you reach the altar, you will see a large statue of a platypus outside. Pour the vial of orphan tears into it's mouth. The statue will move to reveal a secret passage. Walk exactly 42 steps down before licking your elbow. When you do this, the wall to your left will open to reveal a stone table in the middle of a lake of Kool-Aid. Place the baby seal on the table and club it to death. Its blood will activate a small cabinet in the table that contains a silver chalice. Use the chalice to drink some of the Kool-Aid. After that, Confratulations will show you the way.

Confratulations is love. Confratulations is life.

(We also have a bakery next to the orphanage called "Pagan Pastries." Come stop by for a sample of our delicious cookies. We promise they aren't made from the orphans...*)

Role Call

These are the active members of the flesh-eating,cult-worshipping members of this sanctum of insanity.

Ancience: The fox-tailed priestess who brought Confratulations into this world and into our hearts.

Kaboom0: The sadistic cultist friend of Satan who bakes pastries out of souls and excels at bullshitting.

Kofuku: The polyglot with a wild streak and a heart of gold(not really). Tends to sporadically says things before harvesting souls.

Timaeustestified: The person who has a jerk-ass keyboard and numerous vaguely defined skills. Keeps the codex detailing the proper method of soul harvesting.

Noname112: A mysterious new recruit..

Friends of the Helpless Desk Heroes

Confratulations: The one true God. Enjoys Kool-AIDS and clubbing baby seals.

Satan: Long time friend and mentor to Kaboom0, has mastered the art of baking pastries from souls and human flesh.

Adolf Hitler: The Guild's Meat Dragon. Was given to us by Satan as a gift. He is made of orphan meat and contains the restless soul of Adolf Hitler.

O4A Society: A group of Otaku's who have sworn themselves to Ancience after being seduced by her tail. Provides a constant stream of fatty souls to the guild.

The Souls of Silence: Kofuku's assassin ring. We don't ask, she doesn't tell. Provides steady supply of tortured souls.

Pagan Pastries: The bakery run by Kaboom0 and Timaeustestified with Satan's help. May or may not make delicious treats that steal people's souls. Provides an abundant amount of souls from regular people.