Helpless desk heroes

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Hello! We are the Helpless Desk Heros! We are a guild with... Interesting morals and conversations. But we have all come together with one singular goal. Spreading the word about the one true god. Confratulations. Confratulations has shown us the way to a better tomorrow. Confratulations has shown us how to truly become one with our friends and neighbors. Confratulations has shown us the light in the darkness surrounding all of us. Seeing the hollow shell of the dead guild, confratulations saw fit to grant us a prophet who brought life to the ashes of the council. If you wish to attain the same enlightenment that we have, you must have your hero accomplish the following steps.

First, you need to go to the orphanage in Godville. Go to the closet in the basement. Inside, you will meet a purple walrus in a cloak. He will give you a baby seal, a vial of orphan tears, and a ceremonial club. You will then proceed deep into the wilderness East of Godville. You will eventually stumble upon a pit bull in a go-kart. Beat it to death and then search it's spleen. You will find a map that will lead you to the Altar of Peace and Prosperity. When you reach the altar, you will see a large statue of a platypus outside. Pour the vial of orphan tears into it's mouth. The statue will move to reveal a secret passage. Walk exactly 42 steps down before licking your elbow. When you do this, the wall to your left will open to reveal a stone table in the middle of a lake of Kool-Aid. Place the baby seal on the table and club it to death. Its blood will activate a small cabinet in the table that contains a silver chalice. Use the chalice to drink some of the Kool-Aid. After that, Confratulations will show you the way.

Confratulations is love. Confratulations is life.