Hamburglar

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The Hamburglar is no mere burglar of ham, burgers, or hamburgers. A connoisseur of finely crafted, artisanal, and pretentious burgers, the Hamburglar has dedicated their existence, skills, and existing skills to relishing the greatest burgers ever grilled.

There are no common means of identifying the greatest food thief the world has never seen. Wary do-gooders, do-littlers, and/or ne’er well-to-doers must pay attention at all times for the following: the scent of pickles, mustard stains on the road, your plate if having burgers, farts that smell like beef, diet koke, and onions.

Take care to avoid attacking the Hamburglar if you are in possession of a burger that is well done, it will only end in tears and being beaten endlessly by the hardened patty. This is not coming from experience.