Goon Squad

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If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. We just wanted to go together, so we went Goon... with breadsticks, heh!
Goon Squad
Motto: We're goons from night 'till noon!
Alignment: Not bothered. Probably neutral loyal.
Leader: GodIlias tete de dragon 
Membership Count: Sorry, can't count past 5. Only have one hand left...
Forum Headquarters: Goon Squad
Guild Page: Goon Squad 
Data current as of February 30th 2019

🃏Goon Squad🃏

Lock & load your goons partner in crime!

Are you getting sick of being used by villains as cannon fodder? Are you getting tired of being beaten up by the "good guys"? Have you ever wondered what would happen if all the goons in every movie teamed up to overthrow their bosses? (no one really ever has) Then this is the guild for you! Not only do we goons work together very well, but there is a seemingly interminable amount of us! No person, bad or good, will defeat us in our quest to destroy annoy civilization and beffudle order!

Joining the Squad

Think you're goon enough to join us? Just send your hero this command:

Join "Goon Squad" guild

For this to work best you should wait until your hero is out of town and is not currently fighting. You may have to try several times, I suggest you wait about 30 seconds between each send. Godpoints wasted will not be refunded, but it's well worth the investment.

Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell your frienemies! Everyone's welcome!

What is a goon?

Still trying to figure out exactly what a goon is? Well here's a couple of definitions to help clear things up.

Dictionary Definition


noun, informal

1. a silly, foolish, or eccentric person.

2.(NORTH AMERICAN) a bully or thug, especially one hired to terrorize or do away with opposition. "a squad of goons waving pistols"

3. (BRITISH) a guard in a German prisoner-of-war camp during the Second World War. (see, we've been around for a while)

Our definition

Sadly, the dictionary definition of the word "goon" is not entirely accurate. Us goons don't think of ourselves as "bullies" or "thugs". In fact, when we aren't out causing mild chaos and/or (mis)coordinated disorder, most of us are quite nice! And while some of us may be silly, foolish, or eccentric, it's still a stereotype. These misunderstandings cause us goons to become outcasts, which is why we stick together (that and working together makes it easier to get revenge on those who shunned us). We're simply a band of misfits bent on achieving benign world domination for no particular reason. And amusing ourselves in the process.

Being a Goon

Being a goon requires absolutely no talents, so even you can be one! All we ask is that you are dedicated to our mission of world domination (or at least act like it), are respectful to other goons (feel free to benevolently disrespect non-goons though), and let us borrow your car occasionally (we wrecked all of ours).

A good goon also enjoys having fun and probably will be nonsensical at times. As we're a friendly bunch, you'd better be the type of person who enjoys good company, or you probably shouldn't join. However, regardless of whether you have (or don't) these non-qualifications, we'll be sure to make you feel welcomed into our Squad family!


  • "I had enough of being a tool of the system, so I became a blunt instrument. Clubbing for the Goon Squad was the most worthwhile experience of my life!" - Mahatma Gandhi
  • "If I'd known how fabulous the Goons were going to be, I would've called my game God Squad!" - Godville Creator
  • "I want to buy their babies!" - Madonna
  • "Me too!" - Angelina Jolie
  • "I should have done a movie about this Squad!" - David Ayer
  • "You're simply the best... Better than all the rest!" - Tina Turner
  • "I'm thinking of buying the rights for a trilogy!" - Peter Jackson
  • "Too late pal, already signed! I mean, they were actually ready to pay ME for the privilege... so long as they got to choose which famous actor would play each one of them! I was ok with it until one of them requested Simon Pegg and another Yoda from the new Star Wars - so I paid a ridiculous amount instead..." - Steven Spielberg
  • "Oh man! I would love to work on that project! I mean it's all there begging to be thrown onto the big screen! Overly dramatized deaths... Heart wrenching goodbyes hoping for past heroes to return, not knowing if they are alive or just King Arthuring it on an island somewhere with great looking women and such exquisite toes and lovely long delicate feet... Plus breadsticks, heh!" - Quentin Tarantino
  • "Already looking forward to the sequel!" - Whil Wheaton

Goon News

June 2017 - Totem monster Obtained "Hired Goon". Who else?

Here you'll find information on current happenings at the Goon Squad.


  • Goontown and Goonderland, or the hellhole we lovingly call home
  • Wastin'Goon Time, or tidbits of internal life and strife


  • Dungeooning, or how great a bunch of spelunkers we ain't
  • Testimonials, or words we put in the mouths of famous people (alledgedly)
  • Home of the Cross Words, or the list of our wordy heroes and heroines

Current Projects

• Renovation of the wiki page (this is happening right... now! Did you see it change?)

• Breaking the world down and building it back exactly how it was before

G.I. Goon

All Goons are important, but some rise above the rest (usually catching a stray lightning bolt as a result) and the Squad feels the need to point their collective finger in the direction of our Glorious and Immor(t)al Goons, for they are to blame!


GodShadow Sloth 

For services not rendered and for being such a great ambassador of our cause

Elder Glorious Incumbents

July 2016: GodMyqpalzm  (We miss you)

Winter 2016: GodMop Bop  (We miss you)

Early 2017: GodDivine Porcupine  (We love you!)

Summer 2017: GodCarmentis  (We miss you, stop being a careerist and come back home)


The Goon Squad is THE dungeon expert! Okay, this might not be strictly true, BUT! But we like to go dungeon crawling as a team, goon around a little, and come back all alive and fabulously rich! You don't have to believe us, just jump aboard.

Home of the Cross Words

The Goon Squad is proud to call itself home to the Cross Words Clique.

  • GodT L Esquire  is a champion ideaboxer who famously was featured twice two days in a row in the Goville Times' IdeaSports section.
  • GodEmeralia  and GodPersnickety Flyer  are regular appearances in the Top 10 of the Godville Times crosswords competition, and have their own fanbase. They are rumored to have no familial link whatsoever.

We strongly suggest you avoid crossing the Clique's path. There will be words exchanged and they will take names, break them into letters, and recycle them across and down into submission!


There's a motley collection of vicious streets and back-stabbing alleys on the outskirts of Godville. It's known as Goontown, and rather unsurprisingly it's where all Goons meet up and call home.


The local police force is called the Goonstabulory. It's headed by the stumbling Keep'er Balance, the pure good sister of her pure evil twin GodBalance keeper . Surprisingly the inhabitants of Goontown are law-abiding citizens, so the Goonstabulory is, as most police forces, forced into creating it's own rules, counter-rules and ultimately belief system. It's somewhat become a religious order dedicated to keeping old Goons into Mischief.

Joining the Goonstabulory

The bar is said to be so low as to allow anyone to come have a beer, and still be able to partake when they can't stand straight no more.


A new drink has appeared, discreetly sold at streets corners. It's called Gleepozade, and it's GodCloviussia 's little racket on the side. There's some debate over the ingredients (some claim it's mostly poop that's been washed in a bath, others seem to believe it's mostly recycled pets - but all agree that what you should worry about is what else is in there!).


Goonderland is the Goon Squad HQ. It used to be a crossword factory until it went bust (they couldn't dot their i's and cross their t's unfortunately). The owner, Sue Doku, inherited the business but liked neither crosswords nor accounting. Her passion has always been naval cutting implements, and sea-saws in particular. Her loving companion, Mr Jig, has a shop nearby. It's called "Mr Jig Saw", and yes you've guessed it right, he's a clairvoyant.

Wastin'Goon Time

The Wastin'Goon Time is the local rag weekly magazine. It's not known for it's journalistic investigations or attachment to ethics. But, heh, it's free and comes with a complimentary breadstick.

Breaking news

  • Somber scheming revealed: 2 Goons (we aren't naming names just yet, we'll call them Sir Flyer and Unlike Finicky), 1 hot tub and a seed. Read inside - you won't believe what they're up to!
  • Persnickety Flyer issues denial of the above totally true story, even though she wasn't AT ALL mentioned. She claims it was "money laundering". Sure.
  • Chased by GodLikeASirGamer  (owner of the Aight Club - see adverts) , GodT L Esquire  hides behind couch then under GodCloviussia 's dress!? Yes, he wears a dress! Exclusive painting centre-fold reproduction inside.
  • It aight up to what it's advertised - it's even better! A goonstronomic review of the Aight Club, a tavern where the food and company is scrumptious and the motto "Aight up! I wanna see empty plates!" is well deserved. And enforced!

Broken news

  • Goonerific infection of Goonerrhia hits Goontown
  • Goon Wastin' Time magazine now available in (clay) tablet format!
  • Interview of the camel that broke the back of a straw: "It was revenge!"