|If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. We just wanted to go together, so we went Goon... with breadsticks, heh!|
The fun of being a gun is all in making others think you are acting immoraly while having a lawyer to back you up. Everyone needs some free time and we offer a lot for YOU! YOUR life will dramatically increase in fun
and in injuries.
Joining the Squad
Think you're goon enough to join us? Just send your hero this command:
Join "Goon Squad" guild
For this to work best you should wait until your hero is out of town and is not currently fighting. You may have to try several times, I suggest you wait about 30 seconds between each send. Godpoints wasted will not be refunded, but it's well worth the investment.
Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell your frienemies! Everyone's welcome!
What is a goon?
Still trying to figure out exactly what a goon is? Well here's a couple of definitions to help clear things up.
1. a silly, foolish, or eccentric person.
2.(NORTH AMERICAN) a bully or thug, especially one hired to terrorize or do away with opposition. "a squad of goons waving pistols"
3. (BRITISH) a guard in a German prisoner-of-war camp during the Second World War. (see, we've been around for a while)
Sadly, the dictionary definition of the word "goon" is not entirely accurate. Us goons don't think of ourselves as "bullies" or "thugs". In fact, when we aren't out causing mild chaos and/or (mis)coordinated disorder, most of us are quite nice! And while some of us may be silly, foolish, or eccentric, it's still a stereotype. These misunderstandings cause us goons to become outcasts, which is why we stick together (that and working together makes it easier to get revenge on those who shunned us). We're simply a band of misfits bent on achieving benign world domination for no particular reason. And amusing ourselves in the process.
Being a Goon
Being a goon requires absolutely no talents, so even you can be one! All we ask is that you are dedicated to our mission of world domination (or at least act like it), are respectful to other goons (no nastiness, swearithingies or disrespectment), and let us borrow your car occasionally (we wrecked all of ours).
A good goon also enjoys having fun and probably will be nonsensical at times. As we're a friendly bunch, you'd better be the type of person who enjoys good company, or you probably shouldn't join. However, regardless of whether you have (or don't) these non-qualifications, we'll be sure to make you feel welcomed into our Squad family!
Of course we have our own mascot too. Don't worry, we won't make you wear the costume. That job is specifically left for our a hired goon
- "I had enough of being a tool of the system, so I became a blunt instrument. Clubbing for the Goon Squad was the most worthwhile experience of my life!" - Mahatma Gandhi
- "If I'd known how fabulous the Goons were going to be, I would've called my game God Squad!" - Godville Creator
- "I want to buy their babies!" - Madonna
- "Me too!" - Angelina Jolie
- "I should have done a movie about this Squad!" - David Ayer
- "You're simply the best... Better than all the rest!" - Tina Turner
- "I'm thinking of buying the rights for a trilogy!" - Peter Jackson
- "Too late pal, already signed! I mean, they were actually ready to pay ME for the privilege... so long as they got to choose which famous actor would play each one of them! I was ok with it until one of them requested Simon Pegg and another Yoda from the new Star Wars - so I paid a ridiculous amount instead..." - Steven Spielberg
- "Oh man! I would love to work on that project! I mean it's all there begging to be thrown onto the big screen! Overly dramatized deaths... Heart wrenching goodbyes hoping for past heroes to return, not knowing if they are alive or just King Arthuring it on an island somewhere with great looking women and such exquisite toes and lovely long delicate feet... Plus breadsticks, heh!" - Quentin Tarantino
- "Already looking forward to the sequel!" - Whil Wheaton
June 2017 - Totem monster Obtained "Hired Goon". Who else?
Here you'll find information on current happenings at the Goon Squad.
- Outside the alleyways, where we be sneaking
- Dungeooning, or how to find loot, love and ever-lasting life
- Wastin'Goon Time, or tidbits of internal life and strife
- Goontown and Goonderland, or the hellhole we lovingly call home
- Dungeooning, or how great a bunch of spelunkers we ain't
- Testimonials, or words we put in the mouths of famous people (allegedly)
- Home of the Cross Words, or the list of our wordy heroes and heroines
• Renovation of the wiki page (this is happening right... now! Did you see it change?)
• Breaking the world down and building it back exactly how it was before
All Goons are important, but some rise above the rest (usually catching a stray lightning bolt as a result) and the Squad feels the need to point their collective finger in the direction of our Glorious and Immor(t)al Goons, for they are to blame!
For services not rendered and for being such a great ambassador of our cause.
Elder Glorious Incumbents
July 2016:(We miss you)
Winter 2016:(We miss you)
Early 2017:(We love you!)
Autumn 2018:(We love you!)'
The Goon Squad is THE dungeon expert! Okay, this might not be strictly true, BUT! But we like to go dungeon crawling as a team, goon around a little, and come back all alive and fabulously rich! You don't have to believe us, just come along.
Goon Guide to Finding Loot, Love & Happiness
For love & happiness, just join the Goon Squad. As for loot, here are a few things you need to know:
- always go with someone you know, and never hesitate to say something funny.
- the treasure room is always in a diagonal from the entry point of the dungeon, usually 5-7 squares away.
- let yourself roam around until you find a hint (arrow) and use it to figure out which of the 4 diagonals (see above) you need to aim for.
- the nook is usually in the same quadrant as the treasure room. So if you see it north-east of the entrance, then the loot should be on that diagonal.
- it's sometimes possible to avoid boss-monsters, and it's always worth trying to (you'll use less gp that way).
Home of the Cross Words
The Goon Squad is proud to call itself home to the Cross Words Clique.
- is a champion ideaboxer who famously was featured twice two days in a row in the Godville Times' IdeaSports section.
- and are regular appearances in the Top 10 of the Godville Times crosswords competition, and have their own fanbase. They are rumored to have no familial link whatsoever.
There's a motley collection of vicious streets and back-stabbing alleys on the outskirts of Godville. It's known as Goontown, and rather unsurprisingly it's where all Goons meet up and call home.
Goonderland is the Goon Squad HQ. It used to be a crossword factory until it went bust (they couldn't dot their i's and cross their t's unfortunately). The owner, Sue Doku, inherited the business but liked neither crosswords nor accounting. Her passion has always been naval cutting implements, and sea-saws in particular. Her loving companion, Mr Jig, has a shop nearby. It's called "Mr Jig Saw", and yes you've guessed it right, he's a clairvoyant.
The local police force is called the Goonstabulory. It's headed by the stumbling Keep'er Balance, the pure good sister of her pure evil twin. Surprisingly the inhabitants of Goontown are law-abiding citizens, so the Goonstabulory is, as most police forces, forced into creating it's own rules, counter-rules and ultimately belief system. It's somewhat become a religious order dedicated to keeping old Goons into Mischief.
Joining the Goonstabulory
The bar is said to be so low as to allow anyone to come have a beer, and still be able to partake when they can't stand straight no more.
A new drink has appeared, discreetly sold at streets corners. It's called Gleepozade, and it's's little racket on the side. There's some debate over the ingredients (some claim it's mostly poop that's been washed in a bath, others seem to believe it's mostly recycled pets - but all agree that what you should worry about is what else is in there!).
Outside the alleyways
Us Goons occupy any one (or any several) alleys around Godville. Most of us tend to be shy or scared of mirrors, so alleyways are our most homely place. So if you are in any of the following towns, hear a sneeze from behind a bin... it may just be a Goon, ready to make you swoon.
- AV - Anville (Good trading, cheap stuff)
- BB - Beerburgh (lavish parties and good savings, weaker prayers)
- BC - Bumchester (quicker healing, lavish parties and good savings)
- BW - Bosswell (Cheap parties and bad savings)
- DE - Deville (Weaker prayers)
- DS - Dessertown (cheap skills)
- DV - Dogville (Quicker healing, better prayers)
- EH - El Herado (Expensive stuff, lavish parties and good savings)
- EP - Egopolis (Expensive stuff, expensive skills)
- GV - Godville (Capital)
- GW - Godvillewood (Slower healing, better prayers)
- HP - Healiopolis (Quicker healing, expensive stuff)
- HR -Herolympus (Lavish parties and good savings, cheap skills)
- HW - Herowin (Good trading, lavish parties and good savings)
- LA - Los Adminos (Quicker healing, lavish parties and good savings)
- LD - Los Demonos (Cheap stuff, weaker prayers)
- LR - Last Resort (Cheap parties and bad savings, better prayers)
- LW - Lostway (Good trading, cheap parties and bad savings)
- MC - Monstro City (slower healing, cheap skills)
- MD -Monsterdam (Slower healing)
- NL - Newland (lavish parties and good savings, better prayers)
- QT - Quirkytown (Bad trading, better prayers)
- SS - San Santos (Weaker prayers)
- ST -Simpletown (Good trading, expensive skills)
- TB - Trollbridge (Bad trading, cheap skills)
- TR - Tradeburg (Good trading, cheap stuff)
- US - Unspecifiedistan (Cheap stuff)
The Wastin'Goon Time is the local
rag weekly magazine. It's not known for it's journalistic investigations or attachment to ethics. But, heh, it's free and comes with a complimentary breadstick.
- Free at last! Goon Squad breathes a sigh of relief as Ilias tête de dragon steps down as leader. In related news, sales of anti-depressants fall dramatically and birth rate in 9 months to skyrocket.
- Goon Squad voted best guild in town! Very serious survey (of at least 2 representative Goons) reveals the Goon Squad is Godville's favourite guild.
- Goonerific infection of Goonerrhia hits Goontown
- Goon Wastin' Time magazine now available in (clay) tablet format!
- Interview of the camel that broke the back of a straw: "It was revenge!"
- Somber scheming revealed: 2 Goons (we aren't naming names just yet, we'll call them Sir Flyer and Unlike Finicky), 1 hot tub and a seed. Read inside - you won't believe what they're up to!
- Persnickety Flyer issues denial of the above totally true story, even though she wasn't AT ALL mentioned. She claims it was "money laundering". Sure.
- Chased by (owner of the Aight Club - see adverts) , hides behind couch then under 's dress!? Yes, he wears a dress! Exclusive painting centre-fold reproduction inside.
- It aight up to what it's advertised - it's even better! A goonstronomic review of the Aight Club, a tavern where the food and company is scrumptious and the motto "Aight up! I wanna see empty plates!" is well deserved. And enforced!