Remember this moment...
...when you open the Godville forums firstly and you notice: There is more...
...when you read through the topics and you see: This is not a ZPG! There are other gods out there!
...when you see a question, a sentence, an exclamation and you think: I can answer!
And then, the following weeks, you just sit there, writing, waiting for an answer, for a new topic, and you feel happy...
...until it is there. In black, clear and evil letters:
Message limit is exceeded. Please take a little rest from the forums...
If this is your biggest fear, then you are right here, right at the Confessing Spammers!
In the beginning there was nothing and nothing disappeared and - for some reason - there was everything. This happened during a moment called "Big Bang", the metaphorically loudest "Bang" in history. Soon a group of people appeared to worship this moment. They invented a word, "spammer", which they found a very funny word and because they always took the most ridiculous idea of all, this suggestion was being taken. They also wanted to become a religious group (taxes, you know?) and, to point this out, they finally settled their name: Confessing Spammers.
First their activities consisted in talking to other people, talking to themselves, talking to pets, talking to things, talking to nothing, talking to philosophically existing things that didn't find a place in the real world, virtual things and alcoholic things/drinks.
But then there opened a gate, a gate of new possibilities: a gate to Godville... In Godville they met many strange things... They saw "heroes" building temples for their gods and they saw the gods sitting on the clouds and punishing their heroes, and so, when they were asked to decide between being a god and a hero, they chose to become gods. They also noticed another fabulous, great and wonderful invention: The Godville Forums!
Then they knew: This is our place. Here we belong.
But dark times followed, and the Confessing Spammers became unknown and forgotten. Long they had been important, long they had been mighty, but this had been long ago. They were a wreck, nothing more. Ruins, where their headquarters had been. Nobody had ever heard about such a group. The only ones to keep their memory were the - for many heroes annoying - talking donkeys, a creation done by the old Spammers, a sign of their long gone might. They had kept their memory, and it was the case that they told two heroes this old story and the heroes did, not knowing what else to do, write this into their diaries. And this was read by the young gods and ... Well, this is the result...
Become a member...
Why to join?
We are simply the best guild ever!
The following definitions are needed to understand the next paragraph:
- The most capable member concerning one aspect. If there is no aspect defined, it can just be left out.
- Referring to the philosophy of Immanuel Kant, time and causality are just subjective quantities. Thus "ever" has no meaning here.
- We are simply the best guild ever!
After usage of the rules mentioned in the definitions above, we get:
- We are a guild!
Bonuses in the infiltrated towns
He is seriously wounded. His left arm is mostly gone, the blood on his right arm is already dried. His chest is not nice to look at anymore, neither his head. Not to talk about his mind, deeply wounded. In the distance small houses can be seen, the roofs of Monsterdam. Finally! But... How to pay the doctor?
|— a common scenario|
This happens often, every hero experienced it yet... How could them be helped?
It's so easy with Confessing Spammers' Health Care! Free medical care in all towns we own, umm, are known in...
But our help contains another offer: Better equipment! This means less damage and thus less wounds! The heroes will not need to return to town that often anymore - that surely is a bonus scarcely to be replaced!
Free pet training!
Yes, we offer free and individual pet training, for any pet you have, let it be a sun dog, a philosoraptor or even a godvilla ... no problem for our widely experienced pet coach, .
Our offer contains:
- rescue training: like seen in the diary entry above, saving your hero, their friends and little children - of course
- battle training: die less and minimise the chance of your hero's pet to get knocked out
- pet psychological lessons: help your hero's pet to come to terms with its monster past
- how-to-handle-a-drunken-hero-lessons: maybe the most important part
So, if you are not convinced yet, there will be hardly a way to convince you!
How to join?
Despite being level 12, there are a few things you should have a look at when trying to join us:
- Your hero shouldn't be somewhere in a town, but wandering around.
- Your hero shouldn't fight a monster at the moment, the noise of a battle could make it difficult to hear the voice command.
- You shouldn't cancel the hero's actual quest. This will happen automatically.
So, when all of this is the case, you may tell your hero:
Join the "Confessing Spammers" guild!
|— a wise god to his hero|
Because the probability that your hero listens to this god voice is only 30%, it may take a few attempts to get your hero to join our guild. He then will start a special quest that ends with your hero joining the "Confessing Spammers".
How to stay?
Sometimes, your hero will, in a seizure of mental blindness, want to leave this guild and join another one. In this case you should just tell him:
Cancel this stupid quest!
How to participate?
- Town popularity: If you are in town and have a few charges left: Please increase our influence here! You do this by punishing, encouraging or miracling in the town yard! We now have a rank in the pantheon of popularity and we want to keep it!
Our guild council (GC)
After three days of being a spammer, you have a new possibility to spam: The guild council! This place belongs just to us; it is like the chat with a lot (well, at the moment a few) good friends! But, as in any conversation, there have to be a few rules:
- A Spammer is a person who writes and talks a lot and therefore knows, how to behave. Thus, insulting and swearing are undesired and unworthy of a real Spammer.
- Spamming, in common parlance, is allowed, but in moderation. Sending the same message over and over however, will be valued as bad behaviour.
- In case of a dispute with another person, rule 1. is still effective. Further, it should be tried to empathise with your verbal opponent.
Our one and only: The Godville Forums
The forums: Here we belong! They are our fix star, the sun Godville is spinning around, our Meaning of Life! Main square, workman's area, guild headquarters or flame lounge - it is unimportant where you post!
Somewhere between the eighty-first and two hundred and second dimension is the main square of Godville: The perfect place to meet other gods, unimportant if you need help or just want to talk - here are you right with any stuff related to Godville!
Unhappy with the world? Change it!
Doesn't virtual life work as it should? Do you have got a simply awesome idea? Or did your hero say inappropriate things? Come here if you want to wield the verbal hammer and make this world to your world! This is definitely a place you should contribute in!
Role playing is the name of the game! Become acquainted with gods from other guilds or keep our personal forum thread alive and on the front page! Drink a beer at the bar, talk with your "good ol' guildmates" and just relax!
Build up a character! Give him a personality! And let him become alive...
This is a guild for active Flame Lounge forum posters, where we discuss threads, have ideas for new threads and so on. If we become the best it is ok, but the primary reason for this guild being made is to gang us Forum posters together. Let us spam till post limit!
|— The Wyvern God, Confessing Spammers Headquarters|
These words might become words for eternity one day. These words are the foundation stone our headquarters are build on.
Imagine a small, round hall, covered with a dome. Marble, gems and glass are the things it is build of. In the middle is a dining table, covered with food over and over, next to a bar, because what was a guild headquarters without drinks? Try our Spammed Wine! And above this all, hanging down from the dome... A shadow on the table below... A wyvern, dead and stuffed...
On 1584 g.e., one day after the building was completed, PutInNameHere gives a negative example of using a do it yourself cocktail bar. The guild hall was repaired, but it was never the same again...
So: Welcome to our headquarters! May the conversations never fall silent!
Caught in a little hole near the (lilac plaid) three hundred thirty-eighth dimension, the Flame Lounge is being spammer at night and day! Find out more about your divine friends by asking questions or do other weird things!
PS: This thread should be dedicated to us...
Food, drinks and souvenirs
Will you stay or are you just visiting us? Nevermind, you should have a look at our gift shop (the small building next to our guild hall) either way!
Our offer is a bit small at the moment, but we are really trying to enlarge it. So if you don't find the right thing yet, try later!
- Are you bored of usual sandwiches? Of course, they are always the same! You should definitely try our godhandmade guild sandwiches™! Warming up in wintertime, but also pretty cool for a hot summer day - the hit in the Godville forums!
- In his leisure time, The Wyvern God, r.u.r., our founder, is not just lazing around and punishing his hero for this and that, but he sacrifices some of his time to make an interesting kind of liquor, the wrong one for a hero, the right one for a god! Spammed Wine™ is not a common kind of drink, but an invention, a big step - maybe even to the right direction! Experiences - remembered or not - guaranteed!
- Many people are annoyed by being talked at on and on and on... Do you belong to these people? If yes, I bet we've got the right think for you: The Uranium-powered Selective Spam Filter™! There is no need to listen anymore (and we improve our image as we don't seem as annoying as we are). This double effect makes it the perfect gift for - and I'm proud to say so - almost everyone!
Your avatar - a guide
As everywhere, you might like to look pretty good, very serious or just kind of special in the forums. You do this by changing your so called Gravatar. And this is, how it works:
- The first step to be done is clicking on profile in the upper corner of the Newspaper page.
- There appears the word Avatar next to a link: Setup Gravatar (avatar for forums).
- After having pressed the link and therefore being on the page gravatar.com, you press on Sign in with Wordpress.com.
- If you don't have a wordpress account, you click on Need an account? and follow the instructions there.
- After eventually having registered and for sure having logged in, you have the choice between Select image (below) to use for the selected email (above) or add a new image. You click on add a new image.
- Here you can choose between My computer's hard drive, An image on the internet, A previously uploaded image. Choose your preference and then an image that is dignified to represent you.
- After this, you must crop it into a quadratic form by changing size and place of the dotted box.
- If you are happy with what you've done, click on Crop and Finish! You are nearly ready.
- You will be asked to rate your Gravatar with G, PG, R or X. Precise explanations can be found on this page, here it will be enough to say that a G-rating considers the picture perfect suiting even for a child of seven years, X-rated on the other hand may contain sexual explicit or violent things.
- Now you will be on the screen again you started on gravatar.com. The only difference is: Now you have got a picture you can choose! That is what you do, press Confirm et voilà!
After doing the last step you might have to wait about five minutes until your picture is being changed.
If the part concerning participation hasn't answered all your questions yet: Read about the pantheons.
Pantheons are a way to compare heroes and guilds to each other, heroes because of number of experience, rating of chronicles and many other things, guilds in only three categories:
The following short texts will give you a little information about our relationship to these pantheons.
Taken from the Godville times.
On 1633 g.e., the Confessing Spammers did get a ranking in this pantheon. After having reached five members, this guild had become big enough to get 1% - this may not sound a lot, but for us it is - in Monsterdam. We quickly lost this again, but since this date we have often gained some influence in towns and maybe we once will be capable of maintaining a percentage.
This pantheon has the highest priority among us. We fight, win and loose, obtain bricks, gold and honour, get happy and get annoyed!
This can be seen in our ranking, too: At the moment we are 45th in this pantheon, and we're giving our best to become the best!
We are a humane guild and as this is - so it seems - a very common alignment, this statistic might be very represenative for many guilds:
This statistic was created on 1692 g.e. and it clearly shows that the majority of our guild members is neutral. Where does this come from?
Many gods don't check up on their heroes eagerly. As heroes tend to become neutral, this is what happens.
Concerning your hero's personality: We don't mind whether he is good or evil, nice or nasty, friendly or cruel: Just join us if you think we suit to you and your hero!
This diagram (also made on 1692 g.e.) is easy to interprete: The average level of our guild is 23.9, which is - I daresay - rather low. This, as well, is not very difficult to explain:
Many elder gods stay in their guilds until infinity (they're gods, whatelse should they do?). They won't change their guild at all, maybe they even founded it. So the ones to be recruited for a youg guild are the young gods: They aren't sure yet whom to join and just test it out, maybe they go for the careerist-achievement. When they grow and - so to speak - become one of the elders, they mostly make the decision to stay in one guild - one day this might be us. Until then we will have to wait.
Guild ranks - a series
From time to time I will send another diagram concerning the distribution of guild ranks. I think it might be interesting to see, how it differs from a relatively young guild to the older guild we will be one day.
Diagram #1 - 1699 g.e.
Grand masters and advisors are six. After reaching five members, a guild starts getting random heroes to join it. This is clearly seeable in the first picture, as after these two ranks the following three, chief master, master and follower equal 74%! But what about the lower ranks? Shouldn't they be as much, maybe even more? No. Fan, intern and reccruit take only four days altogether, while the following three take 32 days - more than a month. So this, too, makes sense.
Why we don't have ranks higher than grand master is even easier to explain: It takes 135 days to become a cardinal - but this guild only exists 118 days yet. So in the next chart I am sure to be able to present more ranks!
Our guild intendants
|Founder and intendant for recruitment strategies; "retired until return"||Worshipped by his creation The Wyvernborn|
|Co-Founder and grand archiver||Praised by the hero The Ineffable|
|Professional guild-sworn pet trainer||Proudly prayed to by the "Fallen Failure"|
The Guild Chronicles
- 1580 g.e.: founds the "Confessing Spammers".
- 1582 g.e.: Co-founder joins the guild after a long journey.
- 1583 g.e.: The last stone of the headquarters is being placed. The first guests are being welcomed. The conversations have started and never shall end!
- 1584 g.e.: blows down a part of the guild hall by mixing up things you apparently shouldn't mix up.
- 1587 g.e.: joins The Spammers and thus becomes the third member!
- 1610 g.e.: The Confessing Spammers hit the Top 100 in the pantheon of duelery. It is herewith being announced that this is not supposed to be the end of growth...
- 1633 g.e.: The arrival of our fifth member lets us instantly reach a high ranking in the pantheon of popularity. It decreases later, but we will not leave it!
- 1657 g.e.: becomes the professional Confessing Spammers pet coach! Congratulations!
- about 1732 g.e.: leaves the guild, probably due to inactivity. He will be seen as "retired until return", in short "r. u. r.".
This page was written for being viewed on mobile phones, So please do not complain about it being not so beautiful when being viewed on a laptop or personal computer.
Changing this page
|If you would like to suggest something, please contact our visitor's book where you can criticise or just send best wishes if you feel like!as every unauthorised change can and will be redone! Or you write yourself down in|
Footnotes and references
Go to top.
- When there was nothing, there couldn't be any noise. When there was everything, there could be noise. But because philosophers and physicists are very uncertain about what was when and what is "when" and so on, the word metaphorically seems just the best way to handle with this.(This uncertainty is a man's fault who called himself Heisenberg.)
- Multum dicere, tamen nihilum exprimere!
- According to the Arena Godwiki page.
- According to the Ankh-Morpork City Watch Godwiki page.
- For copying: ✍
- It is being rumoured that about 69% of these "minor dimensions" are being bedevilled by inferiority complexes. A lamentable state!
- An especially sad one.
- r.u.r.: "retired until return"
- In German: Doppler-Effekt
- Discovered by .
- Issue #1403 on 1649 g.e.
- Data current as of 1633 g.e.
- See personalities for more information.