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Deities of Godville
Hero Samuel Vimes
Personality Curmudgeon
Gender In these modern times? How dare you! But let's not kid ourselves... male
Motto "No guts! No digestion!"
Guild Name

This has been a long time coming for me and will be a work in regress...I think that's the word I'm looking for. Anyhow, just wanted to make a couple of notes at the top about this page, so you have no excuses why you didn't leave immediately. You only have yourself to blame from here on out.

First, I'd like to thank a few people who may or may not be aware they helped me make this.

GodJimbob64  and GodSBFH  for help with formatting (go and check their pages out too!).

GodSourceRunner  for her encouragement (ages ago, I know I'm lazy) to start my own page.

GodDivin-o-saurus Rex  GodSourceRunner  GodJimbob64  GodBlue Panda  and many more who inspired me in the ideabox and forums (not to mention being great people!).

Second, the purpose for this page is mostly for fun. However, I also hope for it to encourage others to "finally start that page I've been meaning to," as well as get more folks interested in the ideabox. This page is not a tooting of my own horn or other orchestral accompaniments; it's just a place to bury any pathetic legacy that there might be, in terms of how one can improve or add to this great game. On a side note: the work that went into gathering the data for this has rekindled my passion for the ideabox. So there is that to look forward to, if you're looking for a reason why do all this!

My Relationship with the Ideabox: Love at First Site (See What I Did There?)

An ode to the ideabox: Here, have an ode. What ever that is. I think it's something like an acorn nut crossed with a bitter gourd. All that awfulness in one tiny, pea-sized form. Perish the thought. I that the word I was looking for earlier?

The ideabox and I go back a long way. I started submitting to her way back on September 19, 2010. After asking her father's permission, of course, I'm no animal. It was love-hate at first sight. The only bit of hate was that so many ideas of mine were rejected early on. 248 out of 250 to be exact. Only two made it through! But I was hooked. I loved it for the creative opportunity it gave us deities and the chance to see something of yours in the game. In fact, the only reason I kept "playing" after the first couple of months was because of the ideabox. A quick glance at my stats will show I'm not prolific at in-game accomplishments.

Those early failures didn't stop me from submitting regularly, though. And after that first 250, I had 30 ideas out of 42 accepted. The hook was definitely set. The ideabox: she'd stolen my heart. Since then, it's been an interesting ride (get your mind out of the gutter). Lots of ups and down, ins and outs (I'm warning you, knock it off). There were seasons of sowing and harvest, and there were times of abundance and famine. There was...a point to this a moment ago. Where was I?

All that said, I am still submitting today. Maybe not quite as much as years past, but the ideabox will always be a part of my GV'ing. We're stuck together like two teenagers at a celibacy conference (okay, that one's on me; for shame).

An Actual Ode to the Ideabox

Oh, Ideabox!

There's not much that rhymes with you,

Which is why I began with you.

Not to belittle or betray.

It's just not in my way.

I'm not one for the mushy,

But you've a nice tushy.

How you've stolen my heart!

Truthfully, you're at the start,

Because it came to my mind,

That I'd get to see your behind.

Oh, Ideabox.

Some Statistics from My Ideaboxing Days


Tips on Submitting

This was the sole, original purpose for this page, back when I was first thinking of doing it. GodSourceRunner  encouraged me to get it done, but procrastination is a strong trait in us gods. I've since heard tell there is already a tip page somewhere out there, but I want to go ahead with my original intent anyway. There will probably be some similarities, I'm sure, but these are straight from my own mind (which will be obvious, when you see how little help they offer). Some may even be outdated, as I started in the box 7.5 years ago. Nonetheless, here they are:


My Accepted Ideas

This is the current main purpose of this page -- to show my submissions that were accepted, whether or not they've actually made it in to game play. I put these here for three reasons. 1) I'd love knowing where others great entries, items and monsters come from, and maybe others do too. Call me hokey, but half the fun of a hilarious entry is putting a name to it. 2) Hopefully, these will help inspire other gods to add more ideas to GV, whether stylistically or seeing how "lame ideas like his got in so why can't mine!" 3) Pure fun. If some poor sod finds their way to my page, I hope they can at least have a good chuckle or two if they bother to read down this far.

Without further ado, here are my approved ideas.

Diary Entries

97 yes – 33 no – 6 ER

Played with a ouija board until it spelled out, “Leave us alone; we're trying to sleep.” What can it mean? Probably some spiritual mumbo-jumbo that ends up with me having to %quest%. I hate it when I'm right. 10/15/16 02:50PM

75 yes – 17 no

I flexed my muscles at the %monster%, hoping to intimidate it. It eventually died...of laughter. Still, no one needs to know just how I got this %artifact%. 04/22/16 10:05AM

93 yes – 24 no

Tried emptying my mind, as the temple priest told me. It appears I was already one step ahead of him. 10/27/15 10:15AM, Hero prayer phase.

82 yes – 31 no

I've come to a conclusion today, diary. 10/12/15 10:51AM, Diary/ Death of hero.

67 yes – 37 no

Look at all these fools with their arks built, without a single cloud in the sky. 10/12/15 10:50AM

90 yes – 21 no – 1 dupe

They say true bravery is facing one's fears. So, running backwards away from this %monster% is technically more heroic than fighting it. 10/12/15 10:38AM

105 yes – 37 no

Note to self: never attempt %weapon% swallowing practice while suffering from hiccups. 04/30/15 01:13PM

118 yes – 22 no

Probably not worth going back for, but I may have forgotten to put out my campfire in %nearest town%. The pillar of smoke rising on the horizon assures me they're aware of it by now. 04/30/15 01:01PM

94 yes – 36 no

In a last ditch effort, I set my %combat skill% skill on max and unleashed it on the %monster%. I managed to kill it and everything in the surrounding area...including me. 04/30/15 01:04PM

67 yes – 33 no

I couldn't be certain that our guild doctors were quacks, until one finished examining me and said, “Alright, now it's your turn to check me,” and handed me his medical equipment. 04/11/15 09:17AM

74 yes – 25 no

Trudged through a river of mud in order to reach %town%. When I pulled myself up, %pet_name% sat there holding a ticket and laughing. Wait, their was a ferryboat?! 02/27/15 11:28AM

74 yes – 29 no

Noticed someone on a park bench trying to spy on me through holes cut out of a Godville Times. Quickly tore the paper out of their hands, only to stare into the face of the %tough monster%. That explains the fifteen holes! 02/27/15 11:25AM

85 yes – 27 no – 1 dupe

Pretended to take %pet_name%'s nose as a joke, but I gave it back after he didn't pretend to take my fingers. 01/12/15 10:52AM

101 yes – 17 no

Was frolicking among the gravestones, when I noticed one with my name on it. Frightened me to death. Why wasn't I notified until now I should be dead, %rg%? 11/06/14 12:59PM

97 yes – 51 no

Wallowing in self-pity never felt so good nor cost so much. Sorry, %rg%, that should read “Self- Pity”. It's the newest cocktail at the %random_tavern%. 11/03/14 12:02PM

73 yes – 9 no

No rush, %rg%, but it is happy hour at the %random_tavern%. Hint, hint. 05/23/14 12:15PM

102 yes – 15 no

Realized the important difference of laughing at a monster and laughing with a monster. Now, this %monster% looks greatly offended. And angry, very angry. 02/12/14 11:38AM

89 yes – 19 no

A man uncontrollably started screaming in a foreign tongue, much to his surprise. I'm a bit rusty on that dialect, but I think he was saying, %god_voice%. Either that or, “Where's the bathroom?” 10/25/13 07:36AM

73 yes – 19 no

Stomped loudly through the woods, while occasionally shouting. An old woodsman trick to avoid wild animals, %rg%. Hey, wait a second! Why is that %monster% coming right at me? 10/02/13 10:01PM

83 yes – 11 no

Build an ark the %rg% says. It'll be great {He||She} says. Sheesh, I just hope I don't have to find two of every monster to cram in the blasted thing. 09/24/13 04:19AM

59 yes – 24 no

A menacing looking policeman barged into the bar and asked me, “Are you %hero_name%?!” Said no, that I was %random_friend%. Bad move: apparently, {he||she} is wanted for something serious. Got fined %gold% and jailed. 07/27/13 05:10AM

25 yes – 8 no

Probably shouldn't have participated in that chili eating contest, before leaving town. Better head back for the facilities...and hurry. 06/19/13 03:48AM

29 yes – 6 no

Asked the %monster% if it wanted to hear my bagpipe rendition of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. It quickly grabbed my %weapon% and ended its own life. Well, that was easy. 06/19/13 04:00AM

30 yes – 6 no – 1 dupe

Aha, vile %monster%! I shall kill you to death or worse! 06/06/13 08:30AM

41 yes – 4 no

The %monster% said the only reason it lost was because it was out of its comfort zone. I'd be uncomfortable too, if my neck was bent that way. 06/03/13 08:18PM

31 yes – 12 no – 1 dupe

Closed? Closed?! Now where am I supposed to put my gold? Guess it's back to the tavern for another round. Stupid bank holidays. 05/27/13 02:13AM

42 yes – 6 no

Killed an innocent mole with that last dig, %rg%. I hope you're happy, because my conscience is gonna need a lot of beer to forget this. 05/27/13 02:15AM

25 yes – 9 no

Odd. Every time I stuck my shovel in the hole, an identical shovel came out and poked me in the rear. I knew it was a mole trick, so I jabbed the blade in extra hard. Ugh, this will be an awkward hospital visit. 05/26/13 06:14PM

43 yes – 6 no

Dug up a strangely shaped canister. Turned out to be a time capsule that %friend% had left buried. Ah well, {he|she} probably won't miss this %artifact% in forty years time. 05/26/13 05:02AM

27 yes – 7 no

Accidentally spilled a number of gold coins in a pond. When I reached in to pull them out, all I could find was this golden brick. Tossed %pet_name% in for good measure, but all that came out was an angry, wet %pet_breed%. 05/15/13 04:30PM

15 yes – 7 no

I threw the book at the %monster%. Don't worry, diary. I got you back from the foul creature. Thanks for your help! 05/09/13 03:05PM

19 yes – 3 no

Triumphantly sauntered into the arena, ready to claim an easy victory. Humbly cowered back out, after viewing the opposition, but the gates were already on lockdown. 05/09/13 08:21AM

23 yes – 6 no – 1 dupe

Heard a voice from the judge's booth announce, “For those about to die, we salute you.” Wait, did he say, “about to die?” Nobody said anything about dying! What am I doing here?! 05/07/13 09:31AM

20 yes – 6 no

Lightning scorched %motto% into my %hero_equipment%. Is that a sign that you like my motto or want it changed, %rg%? 05/07/13 09:18AM

41 yes – 4 no

Met a pirate at the %some_tavern%. He showed me a map of how to %quest%, with a promise of great reward upon reaching the X. He seemed trustworthy, so I took off at once. 05/06/13 04:55PM

21 yes – 5 no

Stopped, dropped, and rolled over into my grave. 05/05/13 10:24AM

23 yes – 7 no – 1 dupe

I suspect %pet_name% of eating an artifact. He's not fessing up, but the bits of %artifact_base% stuck to his teeth betray him. 05/05/13 10:26AM

22 yes – 4 no

%pet_name% swallowed a bunch of fireflies. Now every time he hiccups, beams of light shine out of his eyes and ears. 05/05/13 07:30AM

25 yes – 5 no

Checked my mailbox, when I got back in town. Found a letter from the bank stating my savings account had gained %x gold% coins in interest. 05/05/13 09:02AM

21 yes – 4 no

All the flowers, insects and birds in the vicinity shriveled up and died. Geez, %rg%. You should be more careful. 05/05/13 08:47AM

23 yes – 5 no

Drink or save? Booze or budget? Splurge or invest? The choice was easy. I figure if I drink enough, I won't have to worry about living till retirement, and I think these %x gold% coins will agree. 05/04/13 07:04PM

22 yes – 5 no

An elephant walked into the waiting room, but nobody mentioned it. 05/04/13 07:34PM

19 yes – 6 no

I wandered over to see what all the hubbub was outside the %random_bar%, but quickly hid in a dark alley after hearing someone say, “And if %hero_name% ever shows {his|her} face around here again...” 05/03/13 03:06PM

26 yes – 4 no

I walk like a {man|woman}, talk like a {man|woman}, but smell like a %random_monster%. Time to head back for my monthly bath. 05/03/13 09:15AM

20 yes – 7 no

I've finally completed my quest to %quest%, %rg%. Haha, just kidding! What I wouldn't give to see your face now. But seriously, I'm over it. 05/03/13 09:11AM

32 yes – 10 no

Spotted a zebra in the forest. Ha! Now it looks like a giant dalmatian. 04/29/13 10:03PM

32 yes – 7 no

Lions and tigers and bears? Oh my, I think I've entered the wrong arena again. Better get out of here before I'm noticed. 04/29/13 10:00PM

37 yes – 6 no

Yelled, “Charge!” and ran into the shop. The merchant quickly escorted me out, saying they only accept cash. 04/29/13 10:06PM

31 yes – 9 no – 2 dupes

The doc said I needed to eat more fruit in my diet. Told him that from now on, I'll have a slice of lime with each beer. 04/29/13 02:56PM

28 yes – 14 no

I am %hero_name%. Monsters fear me, and other heroes get out of my way. There is nothing I'm afrai...Oh my gosh, a spider! Run, %pet_name%! 04/28/13 08:26PM

29 yes – 11 no – 1 dupe

Tried teaching %pet_name% some new tricks by showing him how to roll over, shake hands and play dead. Hmm, maybe I took my method acting too far this time. 04/26/13 09:32AM

38 yes – 8 no

I'll assume that was just a rhetorical command, %rg%. 04/26/13 09:12AM

39 yes – 7 no – 1 dupe

Alright, cut! Lets try that again, %rg%. This time with more feeling. 04/26/13 09:13AM

36 yes – 11 no

1, 2, 3, 4. I declare a thumb war! Who wants some?! 04/26/13 09:29AM

24 yes – 15 no

Agreed to have my diary turned into a kid's sing-along tape, but I had to stop after %pet_name% kept chasing the bouncing ball on every word I wrote. 04/25/13 07:52AM

33 yes – 4 no

After telling the %monster% I was one in a million, it simply shrugged its shoulders and killed me anyway. As it walked away, I heard it mumble, “One down. 999,999 to go.” 04/22/13 09:47PM

24 yes – 4 no

I'm so ashamed. %pet_name% finally had to go over and ask a group of %pet_breed%s for directions. He'll never let me live this down. 04/22/13 09:43PM

23 yes – 6 no

How nice. %friend% passed by my corpse and poured a beer over me. I must remember to buy {him|her} a drink next pub visit. 04/22/13 09:34PM

43 yes – 5 no – 1 dupe

Found a group of pigs guarding stolen eggs. Score! Bacon and eggs for breakfast. 04/20/13 04:38PM

38 yes – 7 no

Had to leave the hospital earlier than expected. Saw I was scheduled for a blood test that I hadn't even studied for. 04/19/13 09:27AM

36 yes – 8 no

Got lost and had to return to square one. I'll never finish a game of hopscotch at this rate. 04/15/13 02:01PM

32 yes – 7 no – 1 dupe

Poured a beer out for my fallen comrades. Came to my senses, though. I quickly grabbed a straw and sucked up what I could of the puddle. Five second rule, %rg%! 04/11/13 08:28PM

45 yes – 3 no

Dug into the ground and unearthed a vast monster lair. Quickly shoveled the dirt back over the hole, patted it down, and ran for dear life. 04/11/13 08:31PM

40 yes – 10 no

Met a blind tramp on the side of the road. Dropped a few beer caps in his cup to distract him. Decent enough guy, and I'm sure he won't be missing this %random_artifact% I “liberated” off him. 04/11/13 08:33PM

35 yes – 10 no

Let %pet_name% lead the way this time. He walked right over a pile of leaves just fine, but I fell through and landed on my head. Once he stops laughing, that %pet breed% better get me out of here. 04/11/13 08:37PM

33 yes – 12 no

Was tired of waiting in line at the hospital, so I shouted, “B12!” As the old folks scrambled for their bingo cards, I took the opportunity to cut in line. 04/11/13 09:37PM

46 yes – 17 no

Back to life. Back to reality. 04/08/13 06:53PM

34 yes – 10 no – 1 dupe

Desperate for a pick-me-up, I unwrapped the %random_artifact% and ate it. It was near impossible to chew and even harder to stomach, but I do feel better. 04/06/13 07:55AM

46 yes – 7 no – 1 dupe

Remembering that alcohol serves other purposes than inebriation, I poured the last beer over my wounds. I hope you appreciate the dedication, %rg%! 04/06/13 07:59AM

35 yes – 15 no

Upon finishing my quest to %quest%, I was punched in the face by a passing %monster%. Sheesh, some monsters know how to hold a grudge. 04/06/13 08:07AM

41 yes – 9 no – 1 dupe

After my last blow, the %monster% fled into the forest crying, “I'll get you next time, %hero_name%! Next time!” Hopefully by next time, I've already sold its %artifact%. 04/06/13 08:13AM

46 yes – 8 no

I tried my hand at pub darts. Those things are near impossible to catch, but the other players said I just needed more practice. What a nice group! 04/04/13 07:02PM

35 yes – 13 no

After being forced to wait half an hour on the doc, I decided to lick all the tongue depressors and put them back. Two can play this waiting game! 04/04/13 06:55PM

35 yes – 15 no

A wizard asked to see my %artifact% to do a magic trick. “Nothing in here,” he said showing his sleeves. “And nothing in here,” he said pointing to my head and then walking away. 04/03/13 11:37AM

45 yes – 5 no

Retired to the tavern for the night. I may not kill any monsters, but I know a few brain cells that won't survive the evening. 03/31/13 07:47AM

21 yes – 13 no

I rolled the %monster% up into a tiny ball and placed it on a tee. Grabbed my %weapon%, took aim and swatted the beast across the field where it landed in an empty grave. Hole in one! 03/30/13 10:57AM

38 yes – 4 no

After finishing me off, the %monster% crammed my body in a package marked “Return to sender” and stamped it as “Damaged goods”. 03/30/13 10:36AM

37 yes – 12 no – 1 dupe

Went out on a limb to avoid conflict with the %monster%. Unfortunately, the beast came up after me with a saw. It cut through the limb I was on, but oddly, the tree fell to the ground crushing the monster while I was left suspended in midair. You amaze me, %rg%! 03/29/13 03:25PM

59 yes – 6 no

I suddenly felt the urge to paint a giant X under the monster. A few seconds later, a large anvil fell from the sky, killing it instantly. 03/29/13 07:52AM

45 yes – 11 no

To aid me in fighting monsters, I practiced some hypnosis skills in the mirror but fell asleep part way through. 03/28/13 02:24PM

22 yes – 13 no

Listened to a monk preach about how in the beginning the %rg% created the Tree of the Knowledge of Good, Bad, and Ugly and forbade any to eat of its fruit. Then he looked right at me and said that it was obvious whose ancestors had eaten the Ugly fruit. The nerve of that fellow! I'll have him know I've worked hard to look like this. 03/26/13 08:10AM

24 yes – 14 no

Went to a new pub, hoping to drink myself silly, but the place wasn't fully furnished. I wasn't going to let that stop me, until I heard the owner talking about needing some stool samples. I'll be darned if I drink in a place with such practices! Went straight to the bank and put %x gold coins% from my beer fund into savings. 03/24/13 12:30PM

37 yes – 16 no

Saw members of %guild_name% guild performing a human pyramid in a field. Couldn't resist myself. Grabbed the %artifact% and rolled it toward them. Strike! 03/23/13 05:08PM

32 yes – 8 no

The trader's daughter/son leaned over the counter as if to kiss me. My eyes were closed for this long-awaited moment, and I felt the cold, metallic touch of her/his lips against mi...metallic? I opened my eyes to find my %artifact% missing and 2 gold coins shoved in my mouth. 03/23/13 04:42PM

23 yes – 12 no

%rg%, they say the best part of waking up is fresh beer in your cup. Next time, see that you comply. 03/23/13 04:26PM

33 yes – 6 no

Wondering if I should start praying to %pet_name% instead. As often as he saves me from death and fights monsters, maybe he would be a better deity than you, %rg%. 03/19/13 02:37PM

28 yes – 9 no

Stole an IV kit from the hospital and had the bartender fill the bag with beer. He recommended next time I steal a catheter as well. Inebriated and no clean up? Now, that's the good life! 03/19/13 12:12PM

35 yes – 11 no

For the death of me, I can't seem to %quest%. 03/19/13 11:20AM

34 yes – 4 no – 1 dupe

I followed a large %tough monster% to its lair, hoping to battle one of its small children. Unfortunately, it turned out that the one I was following was the child, and its over-sized mother came out to greet me. 03/19/13 11:19AM

18 yes – 13 no

Overheard a %monster% talking to itself about “crunch time” and “deadlines”. Either it's a newspaper editor, or I should vacate the premises straight away! 03/19/13 11:15AM

39 yes – 7 no

Eager for some easy gold, I checked the offering box at your temple, %rg%, but it was completely empty. In anger I threw it across the room, where it slammed into a large gong above the altar. The box immediately turned blue and soared into the heavens. 03/17/13 11:14AM

34 yes – 8 no

Upon reaching your temple, %rg%, I encountered a group of parishioners so thick I couldn't get in, but %pet name% soon sent them fleeing in terror. Great! What am I supposed to do with this blue brick they left on the altar? 03/17/13 10:59AM

37 yes – 11 no

After a loud rumbling from the ground, a trader's shop suddenly appeared in front of me. However, when I tried to enter, a sign on the door read, “Closed”. What was the point of that? 03/14/13 05:02PM

33 yes – 8 no

I can't shake the feeling that I've forgotten something important back in town. What could it be, %pet name%? %pet name%? %PET NAME%?! 03/14/13 12:56PM

27 yes – 8 no

The price of a ticket to see the “Amazing Bearded Woman” was rather pricey at %x amount of gold%. Still, it was nice to see mother again. 03/11/13 09:13PM

37 yes – 12 no

A monk told me we're all just puppets of the gods. I sure hope I'm a marionette, or else you're going want to wash your hand, %rg%. 03/09/13 09:58PM

35 yes – 15 no

Walked into a bar that suddenly went quite as soon as I'd entered. All eyes were on me, and a dagger slammed into the wall, missing my ear by an inch. Ah, it's good to be home! 03/09/13 08:29PM

32 yes – 13 no

Caught %friend% and my %pet breed% snuggled up to each other. That traitor! You're supposed to keep me warm, %pet name%! 03/07/13 04:06PM

21 yes – 9 no

Great One, I have a quandary. If an urban myth is set in the country, is it called a rural myth? Farming community myth? It's this kind of hard-hitting question that'll get me places in life. 03/03/13 07:51AM

29 yes – 4 no

Caught %pet name% on a street corner holding a “Will work for food” sign. The nerve of that little sneak! Decided to join him adding “and beer” to the end of it. 03/01/13 05:16PM

30 yes – 5 no

What's a guy/gal gotta do to get a beer around here? Apparently spend (x amount of gold) was the answer. 03/01/13 05:09PM

42 yes – 12 no

Finally finished my quest to %quest%. Received a nice reward. %x amount% gold coins...deposited in my retirement fund?! So much for happy hour. 02/22/13 03:01PM

45 yes – 13 no

Heard the trader whisper to his wife, “Here comes an easy mark.” Ha! I'll fool him. My name's not Mark. 02/17/13 11:37AM

42 yes – 14 no – 1 dupe

Upon killing the monster, it coughed up a nice artifact. Aha! The old %artifact% in the %monster % trick, eh? 02/17/13 11:27AM

27 yes – 9 no

Ouch! %Pet name%, stop that! I don't wanna go that w....Oh, you found the right path. Good, %pet breed%! 02/13/13 09:47AM

30 yes – 14 no

Chi hidyrw cccvbhhhbvbfr-aàu...Oops, sorry about that, Mighty One. Forgot to close my diary before putting it back in my pocket. 02/13/13 09:29AM

44 yes – 10 no

Had a cold, tingling sensation run down my spine. Either I'm about to meet a %tough monster%, or %pet name% is licking me again. Nope, it's a monster. To arms! 02/08/13 02:06PM

63 yes – 13 no

Thought it would be funny to sneak up on %pet name% and surprise him. Realized too late that he was behind me, and I was in for the surprise, when another %pet breed% turned to face me. 11/29/12 10:36AM

44 yes – 15 no

Feeling a deep sense of regret over the slaying of the (monster), I knelt and begged the Almighty to forgive me, but instead, all I heard from above was maniacal laughter. 11/27/12 10:56AM

42 yes – 14 no

A zombie persisted in following me down the road. I told him if he didn't stop, I'd give him a piece of my mind. Almighty, would you believe he kept doing it? 11/27/12 11:02AM

34 yes – 14 no

Thinking fast, I grabbed the %artifact% and began doing a magic trick that resulted in me pulling it out from behind the %monster's% ear. It clapped and laughed so much, which gave me time for a disappearing act. 11/27/12 10:22AM

42 yes – 10 no

For a moment, I thought a tiny monster was trying to strangle me. Then I realized my armor was on backwards. 11/27/12 10:15AM

38 yes – 14 no

I've been feeling a little under the weather lately, Almighty. Maybe you could stop sending so much lightning my way? 11/27/12 10:08AM

40 yes – 17 no – 1 dupe

Decided to take up fencing to aid me against monsters, so I enlisted in a training class. At least now the yard is protected. 11/14/12 10:59AM

27 yes – 17 no – 1 dupe

Embarrassed by my constant retreating from monsters, I went to see the town shrink. He told me I was suffering from a condition known as premature evacuation. 11/14/12 10:49AM

30 yes – 17 no – 1 dupe

Gave my offering to a monk, but he said that the Almighty wouldn't bless such a violent person as myself. I took offense and stabbed him in front of the altar. Looks like I doubled my sacrifice! 11/14/12 10:32AM

69 yes – 17 no

Decided to practice magic tricks with %pet%, and he actually disappeared! Either I'm that good, or there's a %tough monster% right behind me… 09/03/12 12:36PM

64 yes – 36 no

Noticed a tag, attached to my (weapon). “Step 1: Grab hilt. Step 2: Remove from scabbard. Step 3: ALWAYS point at the enemy.” Wait, this thing comes out?! 08/20/12 01:15PM

64 yes – 36 no

(Friend) asked me if I could finish (new quest) for him/her. I'd do anything to help a frie...Hey! He/She hadn't even started! 03/21/12 02:18PM

83 yes – 16 no – 1 dupe

Was wondering how life could possibly get any worse, when an enormous (hard monster) tapped me on the shoulder. 03/21/12 02:05PM

40 yes – 10 no

Following a sudden notion, I picked up a rock and threw at the (monster). Judging by the annoyed look on its face, I should probably rethink my strategy. 04/09/11 08:20AM

37 yes – 13 no

Nearly had a heart attack walking into town, when I was met by a fierce looking (monster). Turned out to be a display in a new taxidermist shop. Whew! 04/14/11 03:56PM

37 yes – 13 no

Ran into (friend) in the trader's shop. After rubbing our sore foreheads, we greeted each other properly. 04/11/11 05:34PM

36 yes – 14 no

Oh no! There's a section on my taxes titled "Earnings for Monster Slayings". Great One, tell me you've been keeping records! 04/12/11 05:37PM

33 yes – 18 no

I'm feeling a tad nostalgic, Great One. Maybe you should go ahead and resurrect me now. 04/18/11 07:15AM

40 yes – 10 no

I was wondering, Great One. Do you buy your lightning bolts in bulk, or do you just...Ouch! Now I'm more confused. Was that a yes or a no? 04/11/11 05:23PM

41 yes – 10 no

Saw a tree that had a heart etched into it with (hero's initials) + (friend's initials) inside of it. Hmm...I think (friend's name) might be confused about the depths of our relationship. 03/21/11 12:08PM

45 yes – 5 no

Was about to use my (weapon name) on the monster, until I remembered that it would void the warranty. Darn that trader! What is this thing good for? 03/17/11 11:58PM

41 yes – 9 no

Note to self: Next time a vampire asks if I want to go out for a bite, turn and run away. 03/31/11 01:08PM

40 yes – 10 no

Decided to take a short rest in a nearby cave. Scratched on one of the walls was written, "(hero's friend) was here." Hmm, I never took him/her to be a vandal. 03/21/11 10:52AM

42 yes – 8 no

Decided I need to do something about my drinking problem. From now on, I only drink on days ending in "y"! 02/25/11 09:49AM

43 yes – 7 no

Just as I was about to deal (monster) a fatal blow, a monster's rights activist came up and chained himself to it. What could I have done, Great One? Doubling my XP with one strike was pretty sweet! 03/27/11 08:36PM

40 yes – 10 no

To fool the (monster), I fell over and pretended to be dead. Remembered too late that this only works on bears. Guess I won't have to pretend any longer. 03/21/11 11:58AM

35 yes – 15 no

Was running away from a monster, when I smacked into the broadside of a barn. Ha! My archery instructor was wrong! 03/12/11 10:11AM

41 yes – 9 no

Asked the (monster) if it knew the time. As it was checking its watch, I made a timely getaway. 03/27/11 12:29AM

40 yes – 10 no

Uh-oh. Fell asleep during my prayers. Wiped the drool off, and hastily tossed X coins in the tray in the hopes that the Almighty is busy plaguing some distant land. 11/05/10 09:19PM

Earthly News

61 yes – 14 no

Expending as little effort as possible... 11/17/15 09:01PM

87 yes – 25 no

Letting %pet_name% rub {his||her} belly for a change... 04/27/15 08:14AM

109 yes – 19 no – 1 dupe

Letting %pet_name% “fertilize” the guild's garden… 01/05/15 10:08AM

78 yes – 15 no

Feigning interest during a guild meeting... 11/06/14 01:12PM

55 yes – 14 no

Swimming laps in an ethereal sea... 05/26/14 11:53AM

62 yes – 19 no

Manning the bottle stations... 03/04/14 12:52PM

63 yes – 14 no – 1 dupe

Wallowing in someone else's pity for a change... 11/20/13 09:05AM

90 yes – 21 no

Going back for thirds on communion wine... 11/02/13 07:46AM

73 yes – 24 no

Guiding a group of heroes into a boss's lair for a laugh... 09/29/13 02:12AM

29 yes – 5 no

Telling a beer all about {his|her} troubles... 06/22/13 08:04PM

21 yes – 12 no

Confusing pheasant hunting for peasant hunting... 06/21/13 03:05AM

23 yes – 3 no

Storming out melodramatically... 05/17/13 10:28AM

18 yes – 6 no

Stacking the odds against {him|her}self... 05/17/13 11:26AM

19 yes – 5 no

Taverns fall silent in eerie anticipation... 05/17/13 10:21AM

20 yes – 1 no

Volunteering %pet_name% for the next quest... 05/09/13 03:19PM

20 yes – 2 no

Rewarding {him|her}self with a beer for finishing that last beer... 05/09/13 09:55AM

25 yes – 4 no

Objectifying bar{men|maids}... 05/09/13 09:50AM

25 yes – 4 no – 1 dupe

Balancing {his|her} weapon on {his|her} nose... 05/08/13 09:47AM

12 yes – 8 no

Calling all bars, calling all bars... 05/05/13 08:13AM

21 yes – 4 no – 1 dupe

Realizing {he's|she's} praying in the wrong temple... 05/03/13 02:49PM

16 yes – 4 no

Rewording prayers hoping they count for double… 05/03/13 02:47PM

21 yes – 3 no

Suppressing painful memories... 05/03/13 02:20PM

27 yes – 2 no

Defusing an awkward situation with a more awkward one... 05/03/13 02:12PM

16 yes – 5 no

Nervously fondling {his|her} talisman... 05/03/13 02:09PM

23 yes – 5 no

Conspiring with {his||her} pet... 04/15/13 02:01PM

21 yes – 8 no

Dodging drafts... 04/12/13 02:54PM

33 yes – 19 no

Spelunking where no one has spelunked before... 03/28/13 02:29PM

25 yes – 5 no – 1 dupe

Self-medicating with beer... 03/30/13 08:32PM

29 yes – 9 no

Greasing up to fit into armor that is three sizes too small... 03/28/13 02:20PM

32 yes – 6 no

Drawing on cave walls... 03/28/13 02:35PM

20 yes – 6 no

Cancelling his/her subscription to the %rg%'s commands... 03/26/13 10:13AM

19 yes – 6 no

Missing the companionship of his/her shadow... 03/26/13 10:21AM

21 yes – 5 no

Contemplating melting his/her temple down and putting it in savings... 03/26/13 10:24AM

24 yes – 6 no

Using a puppet to show the doctor where the monster hit him... 03/26/13 10:36AM

28 yes – 10 no – 1 dupe

Giving each scar its own nickname… 03/25/13 08:20PM

25 yes – 12 no – 1 dupe

Controlling the urge to splurge... 03/24/13 12:44PM

27 yes – 11 no – 1 dupe

Galavanting around the countryside... 03/24/13 10:53AM

21 yes – 6 no – 1 dupe

Shaking up all the beers and watching other heroes open them... 03/23/13 04:27PM

28 yes – 7 no

Crying on %friend%'s shoulder... 03/20/13 02:58PM

23 yes – 6 no – 1 dupe

Finding out the hard way... 03/19/13 11:47AM

19 yes – 7 no

Counting his/her lucky stars but coming up short... 03/19/13 11:48AM

12 yes – 10 no

Wondering if he's/she's actually wandering... 03/19/13 11:50AM

24 yes – 4 no – 1 dupe

Helping old heroines cross the road... 03/19/13 11:58AM

21 yes – 6 no

Throwing a temper tantrum and stomping out of the shop... 03/19/13 11:59AM

23 yes – 3 no – 1 dupe

Reaching for lofty heights but settling for mediocre lows... 03/19/13 12:02PM

25 yes – 7 no

Robbing a blood bank... 03/19/13 12:05PM

30 yes – 2 no – 1 dupe

Leaking secrets about %guild% to a Godville Times reporter... 03/19/13 12:42PM

19 yes – 11 no

Walking on moonshine... 03/15/13 06:31PM

23 yes – 9 no

Betting against himself/herself... 03/11/13 09:07PM

14 yes – 8 no

Endangering multiple species with just his/her odor... 03/10/13 07:28PM

20 yes – 8 no

Deferring to %pet name% to see if he/she should fight or flee... 03/03/13 07:35AM

21 yes – 5 no – 2 dupes

Avoiding the light... 03/03/13 07:24AM

17 yes – 5 no

Wallowing in self-centeredness... 03/03/13 07:33AM

23 yes – 4 no – 1 dupe

Straying from the beaten path... 03/01/13 05:03PM

21 yes – 8 no

Casting himself/herself as the protagonist of the upcoming duel... 03/01/13 05:05PM

30 yes – 9 no

Branding complex messages into pieces of burnt toast... 02/13/13 09:13AM

40 yes – 17 no

Wishing he'd/she'd used the bathroom at the last stop... 09/03/12 01:02PM

72 yes – 24 no – 4 dupes

Spying on a rival guild's council meeting... 08/30/12 02:49PM

38 yes – 12 no

Fishing for a compliment but using the wrong lure... 04/27/11 03:04PM

31 yes – 19 no

Playing cops and robbers with some locals... 04/10/11 02:08PM

44 yes – 6 no

Making a scale model of the temple using popsicle sticks... 03/18/11 12:04AM

26 yes – 24 no

Tattooing pet's name to his/her arm... 03/29/11 08:48AM

33 yes – 17 no

Sucking his thumb and whimpering... 02/24/11 01:04PM


46 yes – 53 no

Rejectionist 01/16/16 03:24PM

44 yes – 61 no

Repelican 01/16/16 09:26AM

36 yes – 55 no

Limberjack 12/01/15 02:19PM

31 yes – 56 no

Permenator 11/18/15 12:11PM

47 yes – 60 no

Cementalist 05/10/15 08:26PM

42 yes – 63 no

Self-aware Wolf 11/01/14 12:54PM

61 yes – 49 no

Fresh Prince of Persia 11/01/14 12:55PM

49 yes – 39 no

Sandboxer 03/08/14 09:50AM

42 yes – 58 no – 1 dupe

Marital Arts Expert 11/03/13 09:49AM

66 yes – 39 no – 1 dupe

Piece-maker 10/02/13 01:26AM

81 yes – 33 no – 1 dupe

Brown-eyed Ghoul 09/29/13 08:29PM

75 yes – 28 no

Pathological Friar 08/01/13 10:40PM

125 yes – 43 no – 1 dupe

Prosthetic Arms Dealer 06/28/13 09:23AM

37 yes – 12 no

Plumbers Kraken 06/25/13 08:15PM

30 yes – 13 no

Cutting Remarksman 06/09/13 04:35AM

40 yes – 7 no

Karmachanic 05/27/13 11:29PM

23 yes – 8 no

Spinal Columnist 05/25/13 10:03PM

24 yes – 7 no

Slippery Freudian 05/01/13 04:51PM

29 yes – 15 no – 1 dupe

Taxidermatologist 04/08/13 10:35AM

19 yes – 14 no

Subhero 04/06/13 07:28AM

29 yes – 10 no

Scheming Banshee 03/09/13 08:00PM

38 yes – 30 no

Tower Defender 09/03/12 12:52PM

31 yes – 19 no

Roger Robot 06/26/11 11:26AM

23 yes – 27 no

Sarcastic Samurai 04/11/11 12:43PM

27 yes – 23 no

Infidel Castro 10/07/10 12:55AM


128 yes – 36 no

gather all guild members for a group photo 05/04/15 08:20AM

67 yes – 43 no

create nothing out of something 05/01/15 07:54PM

74 yes – 43 no – 1 dupe

rewrite the dictionary in chronological order 05/01/15 06:55PM

67 yes – 48 no

set the periodic table 05/01/15 06:56PM

21 yes – 6 no

clean the pyramids with a feather duster. 06/10/13 10:56PM

18 yes – 14 no

fellowship with some ringleaders. 04/19/13 09:49AM

26 yes – 11 no

open an endangered monster reserve. 04/19/13 10:23AM

18 yes – 12 no – 1 dupe

swim the highest mountain and climb the deepest ocean. 04/19/13 09:46AM

20 yes – 13 no

learn to read good. 04/19/13 09:57AM

29 yes – 21 no

Fight a losing battle. 03/29/11 08:27PM

25 yes – 25 no

Reminisce about the good ol' days. 12/07/10 10:53PM

30 yes – 20 no

Discover who sits at the head of the Round Table. 11/15/10 11:49PM


43 yes – 47 no

human pyramid schematic 10/31/14 02:36PM

63 yes – 28 no

narrow escape plan 10/01/13 12:05AM

65 yes – 18 no – 1 dupe

perpetual motion sickness pill 08/21/13 06:40AM

24 yes – 5 no – 1 dupe

karma suture 06/16/13 08:05PM

41 yes – 6 no

banker's error @ 05/05/13 09:05AM

41 yes – 3 no

direct deposit @ 04/15/13 06:54PM

22 yes – 12 no

haiku point 04/06/13 07:45AM

14 yes – 10 no

schmartifact 03/21/13 10:07PM

20 yes – 9 no

chipped truth 03/20/13 03:03PM

24 yes – 21 no

blankety blanket 02/23/13 10:22AM

56 yes – 44 no

spy manual 08/30/12 02:48PM


46 yes – 38 no – 4 ER

golden brick in a sock 06/23/16 10:15AM, Equipment (Weapon)

38 yes – 57 no

silly-string bikini 10/16/15 01:49PM, Equipment (Body)

23 yes – 4 no – 3 dupe

awkward paws 06/01/13 05:28AM, Equipment (Arms)

27 yes – 7 no

jailhouse rock 06/10/13 11:12PM, Equipment (Talisman)

25 yes – 9 no

lucky blanket 06/10/13 11:11PM, Equipment (Talisman)

22 yes – 9 no – 1 dupe

Black light armor 06/09/13 04:32AM, Equipment (Body)

38 yes – 11 no – 1 dupe

shadow boxing gloves 06/06/13 08:16PM, Equipment (Arms)

46 yes – 28 no – 1 dupe

Loincloth of revelation 09/03/12 12:59PM, Equipment (Body)

43 yes – 7 no

steel-toed sandals 05/20/11 12:19AM, Equipment (Legs)

28 yes – 22 no

Death's sickle 05/20/11 12:16AM, Equipment (Weapon)

35 yes – 15 no

glass knuckles 05/05/11 10:39PM, Equipment (Weapon)

25 yes – 26 no

infectious cough 04/14/11 02:17PM, Equipment (Weapon)

Duels/Boss Battles

73 yes – 10 no

%defender% artfully dodged three lightning bolts, only to fall into a spike pit. It's almost as if %attacker's_god% had planned that all along. 02/17/14 11:35AM

21 yes – 8 no – 1 dupe

%defender% pleaded, “You wouldn't hit a {guy|gal} wearing %artifact%, would you?” %attacker % would and did, causing {his|her} opponent to drop the item. 05/13/13 06:43PM

24 yes – 1 no

A downpour of rain, quickly followed by blazing sunshine, has caused massive rust damage to %defender%'s %hero_equipment%. 05/07/13 09:49AM

29 yes – 4 no

%attacker% created a diversion to fool %defender% but got so distracted with it, that {he||she} missed {his||her} turn. 04/12/13 02:51PM

31 yes – 3 no

%attacker% cried wolf, but %defender% didn't believe {him|her} and was mauled by a pack of wolves that had made its way into the arena. 04/08/13 06:11PM

30 yes – 8 no – 1 dupe

%attacker% and %defender% bumped into each other and were about to apologize, when they heard rumbling from the sky. The sound of coins clanging into slots and knuckles flexing over buttons was followed by a booming voice, “Round 1. Fight!” 04/06/13 09:38AM

16 yes – 9 no

It seems %attacker% is confused on proper idiomatic wording. {He's|She's} just thrown another wrench in %defender's% ear. 04/03/13 11:27AM

28 yes – 6 no – 1 dupe

%boss monster% grabbed a rope and swung toward %hero%, who neatly sidestepped sending the beast slamming into a wall. 03/31/13 08:15PM

21 yes – 6 no

%hero% handed %boss monster% a lit stick of dynamite and fled out of the cavern, over the hills, into the nearest town, and hid in a closet. The monster was waiting on {him|her} and returned the dynamite just in time for the explosion. 03/31/13 07:59AM

16 yes – 6 no

%attacker% drew a line in the sand and dared %defender% to step across it. This continued for a few minutes, until eventually {he|she} led {him|her} off a cliff. 03/31/13 08:03AM

20 yes – 5 no

%attacker% pulled out {his|her} weapon, tossed the %random_artifact% in the air and swatted it at %defender%, who attempted to return the volley using {his|her} face. 03/31/13 08:06AM

30 yes – 8 no

Feeling daring, %hero_name% told the monster it couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. This may be true, but it can apparently hit the broadside of a {hero's|heroine's} head. 03/29/13 03:29PM

40 yes – 6 no

Thinking quickly, %attacker% grabbed a palette and painted a tunnel on the arena wall. %defender% laughed at this waste of a turn, until a wagon barreled out of it and crushed {his| her} toes. 03/28/13 09:53PM

24 yes – 15 no – 1 dupe

In a fit of over-excitement, %attacker% gave %defender% a “good game” slap on the bottom with his/her %weapon%. 03/19/13 11:08AM

28 yes – 6 no

%attacker% laid out his/her coat so %defender% could safely cross over a mud puddle, but at the last moment, he/she pulled it back letting %defender% fall in. 03/09/13 08:11PM

34 yes – 8 no

Not one for elaborate tactics, %attacker% gave %defender% a good old-fashioned beat down. 03/01/13 04:59PM

73 yes – 25 no – 2 dupes

(Defender) put his hands over his eyes. Unable to locate the opponent, (attacker) missed his turn. 08/20/12 01:23PM

30 yes – 20 no

Lightning bolts struck torches all around the arena causing them to burst into flame. Thanks, (attacker's god), but it is the middle of the day after all. 04/21/11 11:50PM

31 yes – 19 no

After (defender) called a timeout to readjust his/her armor, (attacker) snuck up from behind and dealt a fierce blow. The crowd boos, but the attacker doesn't seem to mind. 04/27/11 02:57PM

39 yes – 11 no

(attacker) left the fight to go and pose with some ladies/guys who wanted his/her autograph. (defender) took the opportunity to offer a quick prayer. 05/06/11 08:13PM

Questionable Content

74 yes – 36 no

"07:04: Tripped on a tree root and found a potion of visibility and some supplies. Thanks for looking out for your humble servant, Exalted One." (I think this phrase should either have “and some supplies” removed, or it should give a bit of health. “Supplies” doesn't mean anything, otherwise.) 04/02/13 07:09PM

42 yes – 8 no

"11:15 Bathed in the cooling showers of a tropical rainforest.","I get these diary entries mostly when returning to town to heal or after quest completion, when my hero is low on health. They seem to me like they should give at least a small amount of HP. I notice a lot of phrases on the way to town that take HP (shooting stars, mosquitos, traps, etc.). It'd be nice if this phrase gave the hero a bit of health to survive the trek back to civilization." 05/16/11 10:04AM

Quest Endings

An ending for a quest to “investigate and confirm that they truly lived happily ever after” - “Took me awhile to track them all down, but I'd say those monsters were quite happy. Right up until the end. When I killed them to get through this blasted quest.” 05/07/16 08:03AM

Awesome Ideas

[iPod Touch 3G][4.3.2] This is kind of an awesome idea and bug fix maybe. It would be nice to have an option in "notifications" to turn off the messages that pop up when friends pm you. It's okay normally, but it has caused a few problems on my iPod version. If I'm in the middle of forcing refresh and a message pops up, it locks that screen up with only "Loading..." at the top. Also, in the middle of a duel, I was trying to influence/restore and a message popped up and locked up my influence buttons. I had to reboot my iPod to get the "Restore Godpower" button to work. Minor annoyances (except I almost lost the duel), but it'd be nice to turn these notifications off. Thanks again! 05/02/11 01:45PM

In Summation

No summary, really. Just like using that term. Makes me sound smart. Although, saying it makes me sound smart, now makes me sound like an idiot. Pointing out I'm an idiot makes me...why am I still writing this?!

Basically, hope you enjoyed the read (greatly assuming anyone got this far into all this drivel). Feel free to let me know what you think, or if you're wiki savvy and think you could help make it not look like a child of the 80's and father of three made this page in all its simplistic glory. Have fun out there, and post ideas in the box! It's the only way to get good at it.