Tea Rex

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Monsters of Godville
Tea Rex
Teabibensaurus rex
Tea_Rex_550px_width.jpg
Class Normal (relatively)
Habitat Dark and scary places, tea shops, china shops
Description Big head, small hands, sharp teeth, loves tea.

The Tea Rex (Teabibensaurus rex) is a large, easily irritated dinosaur with a massive skull, tiny arms, and a craving for both heroes and tea (Camellia sinensis).

In general, when it encounters a hero, the Tea Rex will simply try to devour him. However, when it's in a good mood, it may proffer hot tea and scones instead.

It is rarely in a good mood.

Origin

Of the many origin myths of the Tea Rex, the most popular amongst Godville's heroes is, unsurprisingly, the shortest[1].

Once upon a time, a Tea Rex sat down next to a small tea bush to enjoy a leisurely gnaw on a hapless hero. As the monster tossed its head about and roared, its razor-sharp teeth caught on the bush, causing a bright cascade of green leaves. These fell into the beer tankard, still convulsively clutched in the stunned hero's hand. As the leaves sank, the brew instantly turned a pale yellow-green.

The monster sniffed at the strangely scented liquid, took one cautious lick, and was captivated. Dropping the hero, it seized the tankard and tried to drink it off, only to discover its arms weren't long enough to get the beery tea into its mouth. As the Tea Rex roared pitifully at the sky, the hero made his getaway, spreading the word of his discovery among the good people of Godville[2].

The mystery of how the Tea Rex subsequently learned how to make an actual pot of tea, set a decent table and serve its captured heroes has never been solved[3].

How to recognize this monster

The Tea Rex is usually seen holding a teapot in one paw.

Other distinguishing features

What, that's not enough? All right then.

  • Has appalling "tea breath"
  • Whinges disapprovingly if you leave any tea in your cup
  • Head is roughly half the size of its body (!!)
  • Desperately wants to be a boss monster but feels that actually coming out and saying so would be a bit rude.

Tips for battling a Tea Rex

The method of attack depends on the objective of the hero, as well as his level of hunger or thirst.

Disarmament

The best way to disarm a Tea Rex is to remind it of the option of consuming tea instead of oneself.

There are several ways to do this, but the clever hero will begin by singing the "Let's have tea!" song. This may encourage it to consider a nice cup of tea and a sitdown... or at least, to join in.

Tea, tea, glorious tea!
(Believe me, it tastes so much better than me)

Oh, you'll never go wrong
To drink Lapsang Souchong!
You'll love the warm feeling
That comes from Darjeeling!

Calm your wee amygdala
With a taste of masala!
Could do worse than to snatch a
Big bowl of fresh matcha—

Did I say tea tastes better than me?
Yes, sit down and do let's have some tea!

When warbled sweetly to the monster, this ditty almost always results in the aforementioned sitdown and a really fine tea-time experience, provided the hero remembers to jut the pinky finger[4] when manipulating the tea cup.

Appeasement

The best way to appease a Tea Rex is to present it with an unopened packet of especially tasty biscuits for dipping into its tea[5]. This approach vastly increases the odds of the hero being forcibly invited to tea, but equally the hero may choose to make a discreet escape whilst the Tea Rex is still struggling with the wrapping.

Dispatch

The best way to kill a Tea Rex is to give it coffee.

Attributes

Strengths

  • Makes an astonishingly good cup of tea
  • Knows where to place even the most mystifying pieces of cutlery
  • Is too polite to mention calories
  • Quite good at biting.

Weaknesses

  • Easily distracted by clotted cream and jam
  • Exposure to herbal teas (tisanes) may cause an involuntary recoil response
  • When both milk and lemon are placed in the cup at the same time, is likely to become momentarily verklempt.

References

  1. It's unclear whether this is because a shorter story (1) is easier to read, (2) is faster to hear, (3) makes the fewest demands on a short attention span, or (4) what was the question again?
  2. And the bad ones, for that matter.
  3. It is widely believed that the teapot and selected cups were provided by the Hairy Potter under some sort of hero-exchange scheme
  4. Normally this is not done in polite (or any) society, but the Tea Rex doesn't know that. See No Hanky-Panky with that Pinky! (and other tips on steeping over the line), by Tea-Grace Atkinson, Anville Press.
  5. This monster is known to have a taste for garibaldis but it will also accept digestives, or anything with chocolate in it.
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