== History ==
Harvest Moon has always been, and always will be, from right before the first time man killed man, until the last man (or woman – you lot with less protruding pudendas can’t escape this stuff). Common lore has it that this was Cain killing his brother Abel over some sacrificial smoke scattering all over the place. As plausible because totally irrelevant the cause of this alleged first murder, a laudable act of fratricide, may have been, it wasn’t the first wilful act of bloodshed.
No, indeed, the origins of Harvest Moon lie in a far darker recess of man’s history.
Once there were apes. And they started to develop tools. And although everyone thinks they did this because of sufficient cognitive progress, they 1) had the cranial capacity of gorillas, which are basically big beefy Rastafarians, and 2) didn’t change their tool design for close to a million years, and 3) could basically barely master a thumbs-up or -down associated with arena behaviour. These apes were not even capable of voting populist favourites.
begot mutant ape begot mutant ape ad infinitam, and at some point there were Kevin and Oliver, less hairy, more brainy, a tad more creative in the tool design department. Oliver and Kevin had been systematically scouring the savannah surrounding their pack’s cave shelter for edibles during a particularly arid drought. In the process they developed long-bladed stone knives, ideal for harvesting all manner of edible roots, weeds, and fungi for trial-and-error sampling.
One night, under a full moon, Kevin and Oliver took their harvesting knives, intending to go out to a promising spot, which would appear super identical to anything around it to us, but not to the paleo hunter-gatherer specialist gourmand eye. They stopped at the Crapping Hole first, which was a dell between a couple of rocks close to the shelter, where everyone basically had their paleo diet guaranteed fibrous bowel movements for their sun-one-thumb
-going-up o’clock business, when Oliver spotted a dank patch of paleo poop sprouting interesting-looking mushrooms.
Never one to pass on some good food, he dexterously flicked the mushrooms out of what was probably his grand-/father-cum-uncle’s festering pile and shared the winnings with Kev.
Half an hour into their trek, Olly started to notice a change in the environment. The sparse trees were starting to dance and wave at him.
Olly felt a need to sit down and succumbed to an uncontrollable bout of giggling.
It was then religion and philosophy were born.
It was then that Harvest Moon and all its hundreds of deities were born.
It was then the first human sacrifice was made, and philosophy was sidetracked for another half a million years.
And the angry, restless pimple was appeased for a while. And the Pimple was so pleased Kevin made it back home without being mauled by anything greater than a fennec.
And Kevin spread the word of the Vengeful Pimple, which coincidentally begat the name of Arab Hula Van Wag.