Pint of no return

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Artifacts of Godville
Pint of no return
Pint bottle with cap.jpg
Type 🧷Normal
Value To some, priceless (to others, 30 - 60 gold coins)
Description Delicious brew that can overtake your life

The Pint of no return is an artifact in Godville that acts as a reminder of the old saying, "Be careful what you wish for -- you just may get it."[1] The pint of no return is a bottle of deliciously intoxicating beverage that will entice even the most temperate hero. It seems, upon first inspection, like any other bottle of liquid refreshment. However, any closer inspection or attempt to consume its contents can have deleterious effects on a hero.


This is the only known picture of the inside of a pint of no return.

Removal of the cap with unleash an enticing scent that compels the smeller to have a small sip.[2] The deliciousness of this sip is overwhelming, and only those with the stoutest of constitutions can resist chugging the remains of the pint in one giant gulp.[3] The consuming hero is now compelled to spend the rest of his days seeking out greater and greater quantities[4] of this beverage, forsaking adventuring, family, friends, pets, and even the consumption of mere beer.[5]


  • This artifact's nefarious manufacturers have resisted persistent pressure to "go metric", insisting that a 0.473176 liter of no return was a terrible name.
  • In spite of how intoxicated the drinker becomes, he will never vomit it up.[6]
  • It is theorized by Godville's leading addiction specialists that widespread consumption of the pint of no return may explain the large number of heroes and heroines in Godville that seem to have lost their connection with their deity.

Instructions for use

On the whole, heroes are better off not using this. It is recommended to sell it to the first possible trader.[7] Those heroes thinking about using it, are directed to please read the "Effects" section above.


  1. ↑ According to W. W. Jacobs' monkey's paw
  2. ↑ Many have argued that this is the point of no return regarding the pint of no return
  3. ↑ This has got to be past the point of no return of the pint of no return, right?
  4. ↑ The fabled Quart and Gallon of No Return
  5. ↑ If this isn't past the point of no return of the pint of no return, I don't know what is
  6. ↑ Because of the whole "no return" thing
  7. ↑ "Just sell it off and let the traders worry about it." Unnamed heroine, just outside Tradeburg.
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