Mass Confusion

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Here starts the epic story of Bernard - the mighty goat-sheep-turtle, who was on a quest to find out where he came from as he has never met anyone quite like him. Along the way he would meet numerous lost heroes that would try to help him with this task...or at least show him where the nearest pub is.

Bernard, being of the friendly type of goat-sheep-turtle, decided his first course of action to find his roots would be to inquire with the local druids about roots. However, after a few hours of inquiry, all he managed to discover was that he had the "wrong roots." Discouraged, but not yet ready to give up, Bernard remembered he had heard rumors about the existence of a library that belongs to this secret society of potato people. It supposedly contains extensive information about all sorts of mysterious and unlikely creatures, many of which would like to remain in secrecy, so he set off to find clues about its possible whereabouts. Dario Deviln was aimlessly wandering around after his most recent ass kicking. Bloody and bruised he pushed past bushes and tried to push a few trees just to see if he was as weak as he felt right now..he was. "My Goddess must hate me.." he grumbled how could she love a hero who couldnt even push over a tree!? He continued his sad treck back home when he tripped falling flat on his face he felt a few points of his health chip off. He groaned  sitting up lookong at what he tripped over it was an odd....what the hell was that thing? It looked back at him and sniffeled. "Hi, sir my names Bernard. Can you lead me to an ancient library?" The strang thing had what seemed like crying with its weird but...oddly cute goat eyes. He couldnt try to eat this thing...hed feel horrible after. "I dont know what that is but. I can try to help!" Dario was now determined to help this odd goat turtle whatever it was. Upon hearing that Bernard started jumping with pure joy and doing some mad spins on his turtle shell. "What shall we do now?", asked the goat creature. "Hmm...I think it'll be only appropriate to do some scouting in the backstreets of the town of Lostway. I think that would be our best bet. Plus, my friend Xeris Zelasor is supposed be there at the moment. Maybe we could team up in the search for clues", Dario replied. "Thank you very much for the help, kind stranger", smiled Bernard as both heroes headed in the town's direction. But not soon after something appeared from behind the bushes. It was Xeris! He looked at the two in a moment's confusion before waving at his friend. "Well hello there, Dario! It's happy hour at the tavern!" He turned his attention to the bizarre amalgamation of creatures next to his friend. "Have you been dabbling in flesh crafting again?" Dario chuckled nervously scratching the back of his head. "Uh no..I tripped of this...uh his names Bernard. Hes look for a library of some sort..." Dario then sat next to Xeris ordering 7 drinks for himself. He then looked down at Bernard "Do you drink?". "Uhm, haven't so far but, I guess, there's a first time for everything", replied Bernard while stealing one of Dario's drinks and reaching for a second one. "Hey, hey, buddy, not so fast", Xeris tried to interfere, "you're gonna get yourself drunk and I have a few questions to ask. So tell us more about where you have been living so far, you didn't just appear out of thin air now, did you". "I...-", just as Bernard was trying to reply, someone came and pointed at him while shouting. "Wh-wh-what is that!? You look exactly like my supposedly existing god!", claimed the hero. He goes closer to Bernard for another inspection and realized the gigantic turtle shell that he was dumb enough to realize before. "Welp, that turtle shell certainly isn't one of my god's features.. but you still have that goat-sheep hybrid gene going on. WERE YOU SENT BY HIM?!", said the hero as he furiously turns left and right for any godly presence. Bernard was at lost for words but finally managed to muster up a sentence. "N-no.. I don't even know what I actually am.. Sorry". The hero sighed, "It's alright. The name's Syammich. I am under supervision of my crappy god, Kambing Sheepson.", said Syammich as he took out his hand for a handshake before getting zapped by a lightning bolt at an obscene spot of his. Bernard hesitantly moved to shake Syammich's hand, but quickly retracts his at the sudden lightning bolt. Xeris whistled and looked at the holy symbol hanging from his neck. "Gee, I'm sure glad you're a nice goddess, Lady Anariel." A round of beers appeared on their table at his words suddenly, and he graciously offers one to Syammich. "Here, friend. Looks like you need it. Have you ever thought about converting?" Bernard looked between the two, aghast at the nonchalance. "Does... that happen often around here?". Dario slumpped in his chair looking at Bernard nodding. "Somtimes they ignore us for weeks or longer. Mine seens to pay decent attention to me. But she got mad the last time I died since I keep high fiveing death." He then picked up his 4th drink and began to throw it back when a might voice boomed (IF YOUD LEARN YOUR LESSON THE FIRST TIME YOUR DEATH COUNT WOULDNT BE SO HIGH) Dario pointed to the ceiling. "There she is. Now I wont see her for like 4 days" Suddenly lighting struck him he puffed out smoke. Then looked at the bartender holding up two fingers "Two more please..." he coughed. "Just two more? Give me a dozen", Dario heard from behind his back. "You think you have it tough, buddy? My goddess named me < I am indeed pathetic >, can you believe it? Granted, it's pretty funny when other people call themselves pathetic while trying to address me, yes yes, very amusing, ha ha ha. But isn't this too much for a single joke? Cough < f*cking c*unt > cough". Lightning bolt zaps from the ceiling. "I swear, I didn't say anything, please don't do this again!". Dario looks at this shadow of a man with great concern while trying to think of something comforting to say. "Did you know that at some point she was the most evil deity in all of Godville? I mean, she didn't rest for even a second, punishing me in all sorts of ways during that time... Eeeh, let me not bother you with any more of my struggles". The stranger looked down at his empty glass while rubbing his freshly scorched arm. "Oh hello there, little buddy, almost didn't see you there. I must say, I've never before encountered another pet quite like you. What are you?" "We're currently trying to find out", said Dario as Bernard afraid of the new person hid behind his leg. "This is our gang so far. Hey guys, meet...ugh, let's call him Jess. Wanna join us for a drink? Seems like you could use a few more". Dario looked down at Bernard hiding behind him "Im probably incredibly drunk but damn if that wasnt cute. As cute as my little Nessie. My significant otter." Dario sighed "Maybe we should actually do something instead of spend all our gold on booze...but I did just get a new liver..." he downed another drink.  Then looked back at Jess handing him another drink. Then looked around the group. "We actually should figure out what this little guy is." The group hears an enormous burp come from a nearby table that is empty save for a fair skinned woman with black hair. She puts down her empty mug in a line next to 3 others in front of her and looks over at the creature calling itself Bernard. "You look a bit like something the Taxidermist down the road made." she says. "The name's Clarixa, if you're wondering, and I think I know to whom you need next speak for some answers about the little guy there. Do you know the muffin man?". At Clarixa's question, Xeris finally starts paying attention again and slams down his mug. "I don't, but I know where he lives!" Jess sighs and gives him an exasperated look. "Let me guess... Drury Lane?" Xeris responds with a quizzical expression and picks up another beer. "No, of course not. He lives in Unspecifistan, at 404 Error Rd." "Unspecifiedstan? Are you sure that's a real place, Xeris?", asked Bernard not fully convinced of this answer, "I don't want you guys to make fun of me and my quest". "Oh no, it's as real as it gets or at least that's what the tales speak of this place", replied Xeris while giving the odd creature a pat on the head. "But I have heard weird things occur in this land, people never come back quite the same upon leaving. I don't know if the rest are willing to take the risk of going there..."


SADLY, OUR HEROES NEVER MADE IT OUT OF THE PUB IN ORDER TO DISCOVER BERNARD'S ORIGIN STORY.



Also, we like dicks... ... ...so much so that we made October the 18th "Mass Confusion's dick appreciation day".