Lost Pantheon of Progressive Vikings
I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member
|— Groucho Marx|
- 1 Introduction
- 2 The Guildhall
- 3 Pinkyton National Detective Agency
- 4 Which Guild should I join?
- 5 Profit and Loss
- 6 Pinky the Trojan Horse
- 7 The LosPanProVik Self Congratulator
- 8 Conclusion
- 9 References
Welcome (but don't overstay it) to the palatial void that is the Lost Pantheon of Progressive Vikings. The Lost Pantheon of Progressive Vikings (for reasons of brevity, refered to as Lospanprovik.... a mellifluous word that slides off the tongue like a cheese grater on a sanding belt) was formed as an amalgamative splinter group from two of the oldest, greatest and totally inactive guilds in the whole of Godville... namely the First Pantheon of Progress and the Lost Vikings.
Lospanprovik's founders, City Watch or we'll cut you), took the unusual step of merging into a new guild in a futile attempt to make their multi-thread crime caper sitcom a little less confusing. And to cut down on taxi fares.and (a.k.a. Godville's premier crime duo, the Brown Bag and the Grey Box.... don't grass us to the
The Guildhall boasts such attractions as......
- The FUBAR, Godville's top vodka based cocktail lounge and cabaret venue.
- The Octagonal Porthole of Total Iridescent Confusion (OPTIC) - a Shamanic divination device.
- A working Little Piggery.
- The ACME Bee Milker - a dairy specially designed to lactate our Elven bee swarms.
- The TeaLeafCave - Details only available to initiates. So don't ask.
- A massive expressionist totem pole.
- Chickenopolis our hen house whose eggs are an essential ingredient of the Vodka Shroom Eggnog.
Pinkyton National Detective Agency
The Pinkyton National Detective Agency, usually shortened to Pinkytons, is a private detective agency established by Pinky the Trojan Horse in 1850. Pinkytons became infamous when they claimed to have foiled a dastardly plot to assassinate Beerburgh, who later hired Pinkyton agents for his personal security during the infamous Troll Wars on the Forum. Pinkyton's agents perform services ranging from Guildhall and Temple security to Pet Insurance. At its height, the Pinkyton National Detective Agency employed more agents than there were members of the standing army of Godville, causing the town of Anville to temporarily outlaw the agency due to fears it could be hired as a Private army or militia. Pinkyton is the largest private law enforcement organization in Godville.in the town of
During the Arena unrest of the late 20th century and early 21th century, the Pinkyton Agency was engaged to provide agents that would infiltrate Guilds, to keep suspected stalkers out of the Arena, and sometimes to recruit goon squads to intimidate fighters.
The organization was pejorative and formed the North-Western Pet Agency, later known as the Pinkyton Agency.
Historian Tristan Flangebiter writes: "By the mid-1850s a few pets saw the need for greater control over their owners; their solution was to sponsor a private detective system. In February 1855, Pinky, after consulting with six other pets, created such an agency in Godville."
- Pet Insurance. Insure your pet against costly bills. We can also recover run away Pets.
- Furniture Detection and Retrieval. Lost a treasured possession? We can get it back for you.
- Temple Protection. Worried that your investment is empty and vulnerable whilst you are off questing? We can help look after your Temple and provide peace of mind.
- Financial Auditing. Think your Guild has been embezzled of some of it's Gold Fund? Our highly trained accounting specialists will soon find any irregularities.
- Guildhall Protection. Worried about the current spate of thefts in Godville? We can help look after your Guildhall whilst you are away. Especially useful for those Guilds who are not so active and have something worth thieving.
- Had a Hot Date that you can't remember that cost you mountains of cash? We will find out what went on for you and where all that cash went.
- Removals. Not exactly Private Eye work, but we have a horse, a harness and a wagon so we can help if you want to move Guilds and have a lot of detritus.
Are very reasonable.
How to contact us
Please leave your name and contact details on the forum and we will get back to you.
Special Officer Honour Board
- July 27, 1877: Theophilus P. Wildebeeste, shot and killed.
- July 15, 1888: Lemuel Garth, shot and mostly killed.
- July 21, 1901: Isambard Kingdom Fortinbrass, shot and lightly wounded.
- July 17, 1918: Robert Capability Lackwind, frightened.
- July 28, 1934: Richard Serendipity Mountbasket, not shot or killed.
- July 27, 1943: Dr Edwin Chattleworth, scratched.
- July 16, 1948: Thelonious Goosecreature, caught a nasty cold after an all night stakeout.
- July 14, 1952: Dame Bella Goatcabin, eaten.
- July 20, 1955: Rear Admiral Monty Figgis, suffered an unfortunate accident.
- July 25, 1956: The Nude Cyclist of Polperro, sacked.
- July 27, 1965: Daphnie Whitethigh, stung by a nettle.
- July 31, 1988: Count Rory O'Thightblast, bitten.
- July 24, 1992: Gerald Monkshabit, drowned wearing concrete boots.
- July 25, 2001: Florence McGanderpoke, sent home.
- July 19, 2008: Jimmy Sponge, bored.
- October 10, 2011: Luscious Liz, broke a nail punching a drunkard in the face.
Current Officers and their call signs
- - f*%##
- - Beep
- - Nadgers
- - Bow Locks
- - Gosh
- - Fudge
- - Bumrubbish
Which Guild should I join?
As a special service to our readers we offer this handy guide to finding just the right Guild for you.
Use the Holy Random
Let the Holy Random decide for you. Don't use any "Join Guild" commands and see where you end up. You never know, you might like it.
Join an established Guild
Join an established Guild, with an active forum.
- Like beer and pizza? Join the "League of Adjudicators" guild
- Are you perfectly average? Join the "Guild Name" guild
- Like combating lawlessness in Godville? Join the "Ankh-Morpork City Watch" guild
- Like solving fiendishly difficult quizzes? Join the "Warped Quantum" guild
- Like gambling? Join the "Lucky God Casino" guild
- Like models and silly places? Join "ℭαmelot ✠" guild
- Are you pretentiously evil? Join the "DraGoons Of Pretentious Evil" guild
- Are you an undead personage who likes, ummm, hunting? Join the "Zombie Hunters" guild
- Like buns and freshly brewed tea? Join the "seven winds home" guild
- Are you a shameless self publicist with no qualms about editing another guild wikipage without permission? Join the "Blue Feather" guild
- Want to learn the sacred words, collect shrubberies and learn to wield the mighty herring? Join "Knights who say Ni" guild
- Want to be, ummm, elite? Join the "ELITES" guild
- Are you Evil, Powerful and Megalomaniacal? Join the "Harvest Moon" guild
- Want to be a slave for some reason? Join the "Slaves to Armok" guild
- Want to save Godville from the menacing Shadows? Join the "Shadow Hunters" guild
- Are you cool? Join the "Navigator Dragons" guild
Join an established Guild without an active forum
These Guilds are well established with lots of members, but don't have an active forum. Come on, be brave, take them on and shake them up.
- Join the "Breadsticks" guild
- Join the "First Pantheon of Progress" guild
- Join the "Holy Random" guild
- Join the "Lost Vikings" guild
- Join the "Mother North" guild
- Join the "New Guild Order" guild
- Join the "Wiki Leagues" guild
Join a Guild in need of a little TLC
These Guilds were once great, but now are sadly defunct. They all have a forum thread, so are ripe for revival.
- Join the "Jaywalking Chickens" guild
- Join the "Little Pigs" guild
- Join the "Memento Mori" guild
- Join the "Nightfly" guild
- Join the "Nocturne" guild
Other Guilds are available
Create your own
You could, but there are enough Guilds now, methinks. Unless you want to start a Beef or Lamb based Guild. Or sausages. There is a huge gap in the market here.
When to use the Join command
To maximise the chances that your hero will listen to you:
- Your hero must be level 12 or higher.
- Your hero should be on the road, not in town.
- Your hero should be idle, not fighting a monster.
- Do not cancel your current quest before sending the command.
How to stay joined!
The cancel your quest command is only used if your hero is already in the guild but foolishly accepts a quest to join another guild! Cancelling may be done in town or when idle. Your hero will wait at least 10 days before trying that foolish stunt again. Once you reach the rank of Cardinal (~4 months) they stop trying to leave (as long as you check in once every couple weeks). If you have foolishly joined Lospanprovik, then the Cancel Quest command is never to be used.
To join this esteemed organisation
Please send an invite toand and prepare to go through a long and tedious process of aptitude tests and interviews in order to get a secret password which gains you access to another long and tedious process of aptitude tests and interviews in order to get another...... You get the picture. Either that or just enter join "Lost Pantheon of Progressive Vikings" guild as a god voice when idling on a quest. Then prepare to be ignored.
Profit and Loss
Gambling is a sin and therefore fun. Currently,owes 10 English new pence. And for some bizzare reason also owes his hero The Black Prince 10 English new pence.
Pinky the Trojan Horse
If you have ever wondered how long it takes to get a pet to level 30 read on... The revival costs are what was paid to get the pet back alive. The actual amount you need to cover drinking is at least 50% more than this.
- 08 Feb - Born
- I didn't bother recording until after the temple was finished as I just assumed that he would end up in the cemetery like all the others.
- 16 Jun - Level 17
- 19 Jun - Died
- 26 Jun - Level 18
- 06 Jul - Level 19
- 08 Jul - Died revival cost 7,918
- 22 Jul - Level 20
- 30 Jul - Level 21
- 12 Aug - Level 22
- 14 Aug - Died revival cost 9,400
- 23 Aug - Level 23
- 28 Aug - Died revival cost 9,550
- 07 Sep - Level 24
- 13 Sep - Died revival cost 10,070
- 19 Sep - Level 25
- 03 Oct - Level 26
- 08 Oct - Died revival cost 10,584
- 18 Oct - Level 27
- 30 Oct - Level 28
- 12 Nov - Level 29
- 23 Nov - Died revival cost 11,892
- 24 Nov - Level 30
- 07 Dec - Died revival cost 12,225 and needed no effort on my part.
- 12 Dec - Level 31
- 20 Jan - Lost interest, as has everyone else
- 08 Feb - The ruddy thing won't die!
The LosPanProVik Self Congratulator
Should something of note happen to you or your minion please use this form and post it on the forum. All you need to do is fill in your name, which you should know, and put a minus sign at the beginning and end of each line that does not apply. It would also be an idea to put * round the bits still there, so it is easier to read. The appreciation of the entire guild membership will then be implicitly assumed. Just imagine that the whole Guild are too busy standing and applauding your achievement to reply.
The Form - Version 2
I, *God name* have done something wonderful for this fine Guild.
Joined / Left / Made it to Cardinal
Started the 100 Brick Countdown
Completed my Temple
Became a pet trainer
Am featured in the Godville Gazette again
Got a spiffing idea accepted by the Devs.
Made it onto the Pantheon of Inebriation / Drunkards / Lightweights
I have achieved another level, thus giving unity a much needed boost
Have wasted loads of Godpower in a town and improved guild influence there, which Blue Feather will negate almost instantly.
Won a heroic skirmish against an unattended player.
Fought in the Arena and won / lost
Got spanked in a skirmish whilst I was asleep.
Achieved my 1st / 2nd / 3rd level Animalist / Builder / Careerist / Martyr / Champion / Invincible / Coach / Favorite / Renegade / Fiend / Saint Badge thing.
Other (please specify)
An earlier example but you get the idea
I, *Gruntfuttock* have done something wonderful for this fine Guild.
-Joined / Left / Made it to Cardinal-
-Started the 100 Brick Countdown-
-Completed the Temple-
-Became a pet trainer-
-Am featured in the Godville Gazette again-
Made it onto the Pantheon of -Inebriation / Drunkards /- Lightweights
-Other (please specify)-
And here it is on the Forum.
So there you have it..... Lospanprovik..... I really wouldn't bother if I was you.
- Suicide and vets bills not included
- Acts of God(s) are excluded
- The Piano
- If you really believe that people will read it, seek help.