Work in progress!
These will be added to gradually as Little Architect does heroic deeds (or perhaps just deeds) in Godville. If you like the tale, leave a comment in the Discussion tab :)
These are the tales of Little Architect, the chosen hero of Urthemiel , one of the seven Old Gods and the Dragon of Beauty as named by his worshippers of the Tevinter Empire. In these chronicles, I shall record my travels and adventures in quest for glory and honor to my Lord and Master.test
So! Questing, eh? Doing Hero Business and Being Awesome, I think I can do that quite easily. I was practically born for it, I'd say! So, let's see, hmm. Quest no. 1: Ride A Camel Through The Eye Of A Needle. Wonder why anyone would want to do that? It's so.. pointless. Also, I see a potential disaster on my hands as there is the camel-to-needle size difference to take into consideration but.. who am I to question the decisions of my Lord? Onwards to greatness!
This questing business sucks. According to my Gamers Guidebook, I should by now have met at least one NPC with the intent to aid or sell me useful stuff but I haven't met a single soul. Disregarding the monsters who wish to kill me, of course, those seem as plentiful as pitchers of ale in a tavern. And I'm so hungry now, my stomach is literally growling! Oh how I wish I'd saved that hotdog My Lord Urthemiel gave me earlier. But my, oh my, the Wood Nymph who delivered it, oh la la! A bit on the thorny side but what a looker! I wouldn't mind a nature lesson from her *snicker*
Oh and Lord? I've been meaning to ask you, do you think you could look into the equipment department? I could really use a sword, this pointy stick is just not up to the task. The Mine Sweeper I encountered today actually laughed himself to death! Although I appreciate an easy win, this is not how I want to be remembered *sulks*
Few in Godville can resist the terrifying force of my 'Darkspawn unite!' battle cry. Unfortunately, this Dandy Lion is one of them. To arms! Oh how I wish he'd leave those dapper clothes at home. The inappropriateness of pummeling someone in a suit and galoshes makes me downright uncomfortable. So sorry, old chap, didn't mean to get your tweed dirty.
Oh oh! My Lord? I met Oliver Khlosof as we were walking from milestone to milestone. He worships a false god, but otherwise seems to be a decent sort of lad. I shall pray for his soul. So please take pity on him when he dies, okay?
Lawn darts, Oh Great One? And these are better than swords how? Did I not specifically ask for a sword? I'm not a suburbian Ninja, I am a fighter! Granted I have never actually fought with a sword but I've held one once! And I'm sure I'm a natural talent. So please? Swords?
Great One, you won't believe this! I've just heard how a choir was singing a song with the words "Yes. I'm sorry I read your diary, Little Architect. It won't happen again *crosses fingers*." in it. I guess you're getting famous!
Most Righteous One, I just became aware that your saying, "I see you downthere, you look smashing!", is widely spreading around. Sounds like a great prayer to me. Now if only I could come up with some sort of gestures to fit the words. Some sort of dance? Or.. Hmm.. certainly something with swords.
My Lord, what is it with your obsession with shiny temples? Does my love not suffice for you? Why must I haul around gold bricks half my weight when you know how it cramps my sty.. err, hampers my, uhmm moves? Right, hampers my moves! Yes! And in combat. Right! Meaning less glory to you! And that's bad, really bad! Just like swooping!
My Lord, forgive me my doubt in you, I should have known better than to think you did not care about me. A passing postman handed me a telegram and continued on his way. The message said, 'Don't worry about godl bricks and shiny temples, Little Architect, just stay alive and well <3.' That was from you! And you DO care! Even if you can't spell for the life of you. Just you wait, I'll build you the most beautiful temple in the whole of Godville! With tons and tons of gold bricks.
This new quest to find X is intriguing albeit quite daunting. I have spottet what seems to be several Xes today but none were the right one and so I have decided to depend on the ancient technique of covering your eyes and spinning and start walking in the general direction I end up.
Addendum 1: I found it! X really does mark the spot! How fortunate! I shall have to thank my Lord Urthemiel for providing guidance on my journey.
Addendum 2: Only after completing my quest to find x did I find out the whole thing was a scam. Drat!
Arrived back in Godville after that bloody X quest as I needed a good heal-up. Also, I pondered getting myself a treat as a reward for all those monster fights but decided gold bricks were more important (plus I've heard of heroes whose deities zap their eyebrows with lightning! Not for me, nothankyouverymuch! I like my trimmed eyebrows just the way (and where) they are, thankyouverymuch!). But as I was heading for the merchant, a voice from the skies thundered: "You've done so well Arch, you can get legless with my blessing now. Oh, and a pint of shandy for me!" He really loves me! <3
Hooray! I've reached level 11! I'm not certain just what it entails but I'm sure it's better than level 10! Now if only I could get a better weapon than these lawn darts, my mother told me not to play with those. Perhaps some swords? My friend Fighter from 8bit theatre even has two! Tied together on a chain! Swordchucks!!!
Great One, you won't believe this! I've just heard how a choir was singing a song with the words "You've done so well Arch, you can get legless with my blessing now. Oh, and a pint of shandy for me!" in it. I guess you're getting famous! And not soon after did I notice that it looks like people are passing your saying, "There is no such thing as free beer! It's _always_ a trap! *shakes head and sighs*.", around. Does that mean that I might meet heroes who would consider converting? That would be so great! We could form a party and go out heroing together and do great deeds in your name! I would have backup when You are asleep so I wouldn't have to die and make you sad and angry, oh Ridiculously Omnipotent One. How about that? Can I have my pick of who I'd like to go with? I think I'd like SunnyGold and Jargon Bourne, I keep bumping into them all the time anyway. And Raydian, too, if he hasn't given up the hero business already. I've never really seen him around after our initial meet, I think his god has abandonned him or something. That just makes me so sad. Maker, you will never leave me, will you?
I finally got a new weapon! It's not a SWORD like I asked but it's still fantastically cool! A Dragon Claw? How many heroes can claim to have one? Anyway, I checked my dragon's claw to see if it was working correctly. Spent the next half hour bandaging my head. Oh and it works in battle, too! The Little Green Man was complaining that my weapon was overpowered and should be banned from the game...
A ray of healing light shone on me from the sky. It's nice to have a personal god. And when You are busy doing other deeds of Godliness, Oh Great one, I feel blessed to have such good friends as I do. You see, whilst fighting a terrible foe, I ran into my very first friend. And as the enemy was taking a time-out, Jargon Bourne helped me cleanse my wounds and fed me some deliciously fresh buns. Later on we sort of ran into eachother again, as I saw him running from a Flash Gorgon while I was fleeing from the Multi-legged Luggage. We joined forces and bravely fled together. See, my Lord, I do as you tell me. Bravely run away when the forces of opposition are too great.
Lord Urthemiel, I have made a holiday in your honour! Today is Great Friends Day as I entered a bamboo grove to get some rest and once again met Jargon Bourne. Together we built a little field altar and prayed to our gods. Maybe we should build a pantheon next time. Also I tried to give a tree a hug today! It smiled at me as I walked away, it likes hugs. Doing good deeds gives me a warm feeling, but I guess a nice sweater would work too.
Attended my very first rock concert today. It was by the dwarf band 'Burning Beards'. Man, it was awesome, though the ticket was quite pricey. I paid 197 gold coins for it. There were so many great songs, "Gold, gold, gold" and the every-brilliant classic, "Beer, beer, beer". And there was a woman who threw her chastity belt on stage! She nearly hit the bass player but he managed to dodge just in time only to return and smell it. Ah dwarves and their love of metal, I'll never understand it. Anyway, I shall have to try that some more, it was the greatest fun.
A gust of wind picked debris off the ground, and it swirled around me whispering '*note to self* buy CD with dwarf band 'Burning Beards' as reward for some solid heroing.' Almighty, does this mean you don't mind me spending gold on extra-questicular activities? Ah onwards to the Hanged Man I go then!
The strangest feeling came over me today. I was just leaving Godville after a nice rest when I felt the urge of becoming a member of the 'Brotherhood of Steel' guild and so forewent the quest I was on and made joining the Brotherhood of Steel my main goal. Is this you working through me, Oh Great One? Are you telling me I should become a champion of the Wasteland under Elder Lyons? Be a Knight of the Steel? Will I serve You better this way? I think I shall continue so until you send me another billboard.
A tin can on a string descended from the heavens in front of me. I put it to my ear and heard the words, 'This roll a rock up a hill quest is silly you know that right? I shall call you Sisyphus from now on.' Hmm, I don't think Little 'Sisyphus' Architect has the proper ring to it. I shall have to finish this quest post-haste :S
Most Righteous One, you won't believe this! I've just heard how a choir was singing a song with the words "*psst* after a high five to his face, the ancient viking tradition of a Danish kiss might just do it." in it. Although the song did have a certain Monty Python feel to it , I guess this means you're getting famous!
As I parted ways with Jargon Bourne after our picnic in the woods, I realized that he worships a different god. Almighty, can we still be friends? Please? I don't have many friends and when he visits me, he brings the most delicious buns. I really hope you don't think I'm betraying you.
Oh Almighty, you're the BEST! I was a bit depressed from the thought of losing my friend but as I came out of the woods and into the open, I saw the clouds above me forming the words "Don't worry, you can be friends with anyone you want, no matter which god they worship. I won't mind". I.. Maker, you never end to amaze me with your benevolence and graciousness
Yes! It finally happened! I now have a sword! The merchant obviously didn't want to part with and was trying to avoid doing so by telling me the sword was not exactly top of it's class. Ah, but I saw though his scheming and made him sell it to me for the extremely low price of 1344 gold! Yes! I am now the proud owner of the +5 Carbon Fiber Sword of Idiocy
I've always wondered... Why does everyone want to kill me? Am I that annoying, Almighty? Please tell me I'm not! Please! And as every other time I feel down, You are there for me, making me feel better. I just heard a voice from the skies say, 'if you were annoying, Little Architect, would you be my favourite? Would I smite your enemies for you? You're fabulous!'. Lord, I don't know what I'd do without you. Love, Little Architect.
Broke the ice between me and my new friend, Roberthero. Fell into the freezing waters below. N-n-n-ice... I wonder what sort of adventures we shall go on together? He doesn't seem like the talkative type and from the volume level of the indignant thunder that followed from your heavens, it would seem his false god, Nicksupergod, wasn't one either. My Lord, you're the nicest god there is and you have never punished me but your fury is frightening nonetheless. Please don't ever take your anger on other, indifferent gods out on us simple mortals, okay?
Urgh, I left my prayer book somewhere AGAIN! >_< Right, I'll have to improvise. I hope my prayer isn't too bad. Hrhm *clearing throat* here goes: Great One, I am brave and strong, but not very smart. Save me from my own stupidity! Please accept 10 coins as my offering.
Heard someone shouting "Die, Jargon Bourne!" in the distance. I rushed to the rescue, but it turned out to just be a Jackalope brutally smashing a scarecrow. I guess monsters need to practice too. I did, however, just get news that Jargon Bourne bit the dust so I tried it, too, just to see if it was any good. Hmm, gritty and dry with an earthy flavour; not too shabby but I still prefer buns and a tea. I wonder if I should go visit.. oh, wait, bit the dust means.. I just realised.. My Lord? Do you think you can be Jargon Bourne's God as well? I don't think the one he's got is caring greatly for him at the moment.
Addendum: You know, Great One, it looks like people are passing your saying, "Slay the beast, show him your might! I'll make those cinnamon rolls you like so much if you do ^_^.", around. Isn't that great?
I went to the Arena today. Bloody (and) boring place, that. I waited and waited, tried to impress the others by wildly swinging a stick and making lightsaber noises. Surreptitiously tied spectators' shoelaces together and became so desperate I started looking for opponents under the benches. I tried to appear smart, drawing complex tactical diagrams while observing potential opponents fight but it only drew the attention of other fighters, which meant I had to try to look inconspicuous as a strong fighter scanned the benches looking for an opponent. Oh, I also found out that apparently no one god has two worshippers! I was having this argument with another hero about whose god is the best and as another joined in, we all realised we each had separate gods. How weird is that.
Heading back to Tradeburg and met SunnyGold during a rest by the wayside and borrowed her diary to read. The writing is so similar, we're obviously soulmates. I wonder if she's seeing someone? She's so sparkly and easy-going, I can't imagine her not catching the fancy of someone. When she's not out heroing and getting gritty, that is. Not many people do gritty well. I certainly don't.
Finally back in town for some ale and kicking back at the tavern. It's been a hard one, this quest, and I'm hoping for a hearty meal, sweet mead and a good long rest. Before doing so, I want to go to the temple and say prayers. Light a candle for the peace of slaughtered monsters' souls, send them my best into the next life, that sort of thing. Monsters are humans, too, you know! I went to the doctor's as well, feeling worse for wear and a little lightheaded from all the bloodloss. The queue was endless, though, and the pool around my feet was growing by the minute so I frantically yelled 'Fire!' and watched as my guildmates cleared the waiting room at the doctor's office. Guess that meant me next ^_^
Today was not a good day. First, I had to flee a battle with a Molar Bear as it cheated by standing on it's rear legs! I really wish it would pick on someone its own size. Almighty, will I level up soon? Then, just as I was about to flee, I heard Jargon Bourne coming to my rescue. He ran out of the bushes shouting, "Little Architect, I'm coming!" but then continued to run right past me! What was that? Great help there, thank you SO much for your assistance, Jargon Bourne. As usual, I have to do everything myself. But I could tell you were worried about me, Omnipotent One, as the clouds in the sky suddenly formed the words, "I'll do anything! Rustle female companionship up next we're in town, okay? Just.. don't die, please?" I am so happy you are my God and not some of those other false gods around.
I had a bit of fun today on the road to Godville. I was walking past field after field of golden barley when I saw another hero sleeping in the sun. Checking to see if anyone else was around (he might have had one of those pesky pets), I carefully pulled out my sunblock and without waking him I wrote "Darkspawn unite!" on his forehead. I giggled all the way back to town.
And so tonight I died my second death. I was fighting a Vogon Poet who had to perform an awesome combo, several critical strikes, three fatalities and bribe me with a golden brick before I admitted defeat. I don't think my Lord Urthemiel will be pleased with this; last time I died was during his nightly slumber as well. I shall have to make amends to him somehow to appease his fury and bring myself back in his good graces. Hmm it just struck me that I'm adding an entry in my journal. How am I writing in my diary if I'm dead? Does that make me a ghost writer? Oh well, it's something to pass the time with, I suppose. Better than before when boredom forced me to study an anthill. Earned a bit of experience on that, though, so all in all a win on my part. But this must be the Worst. Death. Ever. I can't find all my body parts for some reason. Oh Great One, I seem to have misplaced my head. Is it nearby?
Ah and I am back. Don't get me wrong, oh Exhalted One, I do appreciate the effort but these resurrections really wreak havoc on my social life. One second I'm having a nice bit of mortal combat with a monster, the next I'm dead, resurrected and warped to the nearerst town. How am I supposed to keep in touch? Oh and I was right about you, my Magnificent One, not being pleased about my recent death. As I was standing in the town square, waiting to sell my goods, a voice from the skies shouted, "Why do you only die when I'm asleep? I find it most unfair you choose my naptime for it *hrmpf*" Not. Pleased. At. All :-/
Today I had both my first defeat and my second win in the Arena. I shan't elaborate on the defeat except to say it was swift, merciless and unrelenting. I hope I never meet that Josephvius or his god, Onederer, again. My victory, however, was quite something! It started out quite a balanced battle, my impressive opponent, Awesome Hercules, looking splendid and making moves I haven't seen before. As the fighting progressed, it was clear that the outcome would be down to chance, luck or the intervention of a greater power. And so, as I was within a hair's breadth of death, the Great One personally interfered, closing my wounds before Awesome Hercule's eyes. I think this was when he gave up the will to fight and I received honour, glory and a gold brick for the temple.
Lately, I've been running into Jargon Bourne quite a lot. He is my first and foremost friend, naturally, but it does seem a bit strange that he and I should walk paths that are so similar. First I came across him as he was setting up for the night and we decided to camp together. You know, strength in numbers and all that. As we sat around the campfire, we worked out a new secret handshake for times of trouble and days of joy. (I Can't wait to show everybody! My very first secred handshake!!). As morning rose, we parted ways but shortly after as I was feeling down and out about to lose a battle to a Capeless Crusader, he stopped by and gave me a hug. Life is beautiful!
Addendum: I saw lightning bolts on the horizon and a hero trying to avoid the wrath of his god. Poor guy... I'm so glad our relationshipis is completely different, Almighty One - harmony and understanding. I really hope it never changes, I can't imagine living any other way. I don't mind not being the hardest hitter in the Arena if I just know I have your love. *Hugs* and good night, Little Architect.
As I went back to Bumchester after some serious heroing, I discovered that some places apparently place great importance on the guild I'm in. The trader I visited was so impressed by my "Brotherhood of Steel" guild membership card, I received a gladiator's net as a free gift. And when I went to the doctors, I waved my "Brotherhood of Steel" badge in his face, showing off my guild status, and got patched up for free! How great is this guild business!
My Lord? If I pray hard enough, might you perhaps if it's not too much of a problem or nuisance (I don't really want to trouble you, I just thought well maybe) change the color of my eyes to blue? Then they'd match my armor. I mean, I've been really good lately, sacrificing in your name (Tried to remember how many things I've sacrificed to you, but I've completely lost count), supported local religious factions (gave 67 gold coins to the local bums, who promised to get drunk in honor of the Almighty One), so I really think I've earned a reward. And I thought.. well, blue eyes.. that can't cost much?
Addendum What a surprise! SunnyGold stopped by to visit me. We spoke over a few drinks of ambrosia. She's such a nice person, it makes me happy to be in her company. I know you're not her god, Exhalted One, but could you check up on her once in a while? I'd be really sad if she died.
Almighty, you won't believe this! As I went into Beerburgh, I passed a wandering minstrel telling tales of greatness. This particular story was about a Wandering Son and his Spirit in the sky having a conversation just like us! The minstrel was speaking the part of the spirit and said in the most disappointed voice that sounded just like yours: "What? I DO spend money on you! I paid at LEAST 1000 gold to cover your latest tavern visit. You lush!". I guess your fame is rising with every saying!!
I gained something which I think is very important today. It's really hard to explain what it is but it would appear that I have a new skill and can now cry tears of acid! I've only used it once during combat but it seems quite effective as the monster was soundly defeated! I must admit, though, it's not all that practical. Everytime I use it, my eyes sting and I have to have a lie down for at least half an hour to regain my vision. And the bloodshot eyes afterwards *SIGH*. They scare the ladies away even more than my cologne Eau de Combat. Now they shun me like the plague!
(more to come, I just had to write about his birthday)
It's my birthday today, yaay! "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday, Little Architeeect.. happy birthday to me" Ooh, wonder if the Almighty One will be giving me a present? Right I'll find out later, for now it's time to kick monster ass and chew bubblegum and I'm all out of gum. Well, never really had any, so that's only technically true but it's a catchy phrase. For Urthemiel, the True Old God! I walked around a few good hours and met a suspicious amount of solely low-level monsters that were easily slain. Are you looking particularly out for me today, oh Mightiest of the Mighty? Also, it would appear I am being healed more than usual and he's been encouraging me a lot, too. Perhaps this is his way of saying 'Happy Birthday'? Anyway, I like it! After the 12th monster, though, I needed a good rest and started looking for a suitable spot safely out of harm's way. I'm not sure how I got there but I somehow found myself on a path that seemed to gently guide me along into a clearing in the forest bathed in the softest light and filled with wildflowers and songbirds. It was peaceful, serene and as I lay there in the warmth of the sun I pondered what would happen if I were to never take to arms again. I remained a while and contemplating this wondrous place, I offered thanks to the Great One for creating such beauty. As I left, I turned to take a last look and it seemed the wind in the leaves whispered, "I love you so very much, my precious Champion. This place shall forever be known as The Sacred Grove of Little Architect". Renewed, proud and teary-eyed, with my health back to full, I swore to return for my next birthday in 100 days.
21:54 Heading back to Godville after a long day of questing, I decided to stop by the Guild for a quick bath and a chat with my fellows in the Brotherhood. As I opened the main gates I noticed a faint light from under the door to the counsel room in an otherwise pitch-black hallway and the muffled sounds of merriment and laughter. I made my way towards it and upon entering all my friends were there, glasses in hand, drinking and enjoying themselves. Dark-knight of God Lightning323 poked Dhovakinn of God Wyvren and Ulukia of God Kalrand and exclaimed, "There he is, there's our birthday boy! Congratulations, Little Architect!". They had prepared a party for me, how magnificent is that? Wilson Ace of God WilsonAce came over, patted my back and pushed a beer in my hand and Kleopatra of Goddess QueenIsis gave me a hug and promised to sharpen my blade for me before I left. Where oh where in the entirety of Godville can you find such friendship, such trusty comrades as these; tell me and I'll go just to prove you wrong. I must have teared up a little because Zytherion of God Parz inconspicuously handed me his hanky and muttered under his breath that it was not befitting a GRAND MASTER of the Brotherhood to show too much emotion, it might cause the lower ranks to fall into chaos. Mouth open and eyes wide I looked at him but he just winked and smiled. Grand Master? I am now a Grand Master? Oh Great One, this has been the best birthday ever! The party peaked as Gideon Thera of God Parthalan rolled in a barrel of cider, exclaiming that if we were going to drink our brains out, we might as well do it in style. My memory of things became a bit blurry after that, so it must have been stylish indeed.
Woke up with the sneaky suspicion that something crawled into my mouth and died some time during the night. Oh Maker, never again. Is it okay if I take today off and rest my poor stomach? No? *whimper* Okay then :'<
Yay, I have proof that the Almighty loves me!! See this? "New Achievement - Saint, 2nd rank. Encourage the hero 1000 times"? Eat your hearts out, all you other heroes of false gods!
Dear Almighty, I don't think I should drink with my guild mates anymore, they pull my leg and mess with me when I'm out cold. I woke up after a rather moist evening at the Hall and found my diary gone. I sort of panicked a bit, M'Lord, I'm not afraid to admit it as I had copied your prayers into it after that last time I lost my prayer book in Unspecifiedstan. Anyway, to my great relief I found it lying on the bathroom floor in one of the stalls (only a few pages missing, I assure you) but someone had written a message under today's date: "Hi, sir, this is Oblivionx. I'm writing in Little Architect's diary to let you know that I don't believe in you". Do you want me to slay the infidel now or do you have some sort of sweet revenge planned out for him on a later date?
Going into a dungeon, Luminous One? I'll follow what you say. Now, all I need is to find someone else to go with. Let me see.. yes, these look like names of brave, stout heroes: Majors Beeoth, Full Pants and ComeAndGetMe. I shall put my faith in them and that they will lend me strength to escape this dungeon unscathed. Majors Beeoth, Full Pants, ComeAndGetMe and myself will descend into this dungeon peeking into the darkness and carefully looking under our feet.
Day 460, a little later
Notes from the dungeon: Yay, my Lord, yippity-yay! We completely rocked that joint! We met not one but TWO bosses, first a Minotourist (who smelled like wet Wilderbeast, by the way) but we whacked him on the head and he went down for the count. Then we encountered this most annoying Afterlifeguard who didn't believe in any god which meant he was unaffected by your punishings! Oh Greatest of the great, the blasphemy! The horror! He even had the audacity to try to silence our beloved deities (I must admit he was rather successful, how is that possible, Illuminate One?), rendering us to count on our weapons only! We were all so affronted, we simply had to slay him (and duly did) after which we plunder the treasure trove and divided the loot. Personally, I got 9898 gold coins, a log for the ark, a victory sweetener, another victory sweetener (spare), an operating model of a black hole and a modular nodule and made the best memories ever! I hope to meet those guys and girls again sometime, that was thrilling and envigorating. But first, I'm off to the tavern. All that dungeon dust is making my throat itchy ;)
Benevolent One, I've decided to start on a scientific paper, Monsterii Godvillarum in which I will describe the many monsters and their strange, idiosyncratic habits. I've decided on this after a fight earlier today, upon losing which, the Killer Tomato squeaked, 'Darn you, Little Architect!' as its life slipped away. I'm fairly certain that had it been I who had been so soundly defeated - let's admit it, he lost big time - my uttered words of discontentment would have been far more... shall we say, colourful?
With the force of his will and the strength of his hands, Little Architect blocked his rival's chakra, causing severe damage to his lower body.