Helpless desk heroes

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Helpless desk heroes
Motto: All Hail Confratulations!
Alignment: Humane
Gold Fund: 28138 c.u.
Date Founded: May 3rd, 2015
Membership Count: 48
Guild Page: Helpless desk heroes 
Data current as of December 2nd, 2016


Hello! We are the Helpless Desk Heroes! We are a guild with... Interesting morals and conversations. But we have all come together with one singular goal. Spreading the word about the one true god. Confratulations. Confratulations has shown us the way to a better tomorrow. Confratulations has shown us how to truly become one with our friends and neighbors. Confratulations has shown us the light in the darkness surrounding all of us. Seeing the hollow shell of the dead guild, Confratulations saw fit to grant us a prophet who brought life to the ashes of the council.

Joining us has many perks. You will not be targeted by our hunting parties, and you can get a ride on Hitler the Meat Dragon, the opposite of crystal dragon Jesus. You can dine on our fine selection of flesh and souls and a guaranteed job in one of our numerous businesses. You will know the truth and it will break all that you know, and shatter your insignificant minds! If you wish to attain the same enlightenment that we have, you must have your hero accomplish the following steps.

First, you need to go to the orphanage in Godville. Go to the closet in the basement. Inside, you will meet a purple walrus in a cloak. He will give you a baby seal, a vial of orphan tears, and a ceremonial club. You will then proceed deep into the wilderness East of Godville. You will eventually stumble upon a pit bull in a go-kart. Beat it to death and then search it's spleen. You will find a map that will lead you to the Altar of Peace and Prosperity. When you reach the altar, you will see a large statue of a platypus outside. Pour the vial of orphan tears into it's mouth. The statue will move to reveal a secret passage. Walk exactly 42 steps down before licking your elbow. When you do this, the wall to your left will open to reveal a stone table in the middle of a lake of Kool-Aid. Place the baby seal on the table and club it to death. Its blood will activate a small cabinet in the table that contains a silver chalice. Use the chalice to drink some of the Kool-Aid. After that, Confratulations will show you the way.

Confratulations is love. Confratulations is life.

(We also have a bakery next to the orphanage called "Pagan Pastries." Come stop by for a sample of our delicious cookies. We promise they aren't made from the orphans...*)

For a sampling of the cuisine see the link:

Join our Discord! Link:


Role Call

These are the 'active' (as in "eh, fuck regular editing") members of the (formerly) flesh-eating, cult-worshipping members of this sanctum of insanity.

Name Hero Description
GodKofuku  Hiyori Iki The polyglot with a wild streak and a heart of gold (not really). She tends to sporadically say things before harvesting souls. Secret puppeteer of everything happening in the guild.
GodTimaeustestified  Squarewave The person who has a jerk-ass keyboard and numerous vaguely defined skills. Keeps the codex detailing the proper method of soul harvesting. The most amazing, intelligent, and humble person in the guild. A most illustrious dictat- (formerly) elected leader.
GodAncience  Syluxx She's back! Run! We fear what we do not understand, and as a female, mankind will never truly know what makes her tick. Is also excited by Overwatch (porn ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)).
GodTD23ASUS  Jon Peterson A living laptop that loves The Notebook, Star Trek and wants to have a warp engine. He runs a private investigation firm called TD PI. Notable for massive slabs of text he periodically posts. Doing in such a manner is referred to as doing a 'TD23ASUS'.
GodAlcor the awesome  Dippdop A gender neutral and or fluid individual who claims to have been here before. Has killed and buried ten mammals in their backyard. Their prounouns are they/them.
GodApparition  Pseudomorph Official Conversatio Starter.
GodGeareint  Dearman Riggi A random passerby who happen to join the gang. Turns out he is a mad scientist. Not really smart or have extraordinary feats, just mad..
GodAltim  Darxin New prophet who went to Cannabis and back.
GodIAmTheKroc  Reavenger The management of the guild. Remains logical for eternity and controls the insanity that comes from the guild. If necessary the judge of rock, paper, scissors for any kind of dispute. And he is the Kroc, not you.
GodZacarooni  Zacci12 Random hierarch guy who is a friend of TD23ASUS. Also very quiet. VERY quiet.
GodWadeston  Deadedpool Diabolus Ex Machina supreme, Master thief and Trader of Souls.The Scientist Supreme of the guild, has multiple clones of everyone in the guild just in case something happens to their bodies, has fixed/upgraded/remodeled TD23ASUS multiple times. The source of all the clones that were killed in the great Wadesclone extermination. Has multiple pets that are (extremely) dangerous located in multiple universes and in the basement(don't tell Kroc) (likes pancakes) *September 5 2017. here lies the eternal soul of a broken pancake god* "I will miss you all" :(
GodDeus Ex Machina 98  Disciplus The 98th in a line of Deus Exxes, now has exciting new features like SatNav, detachable Machina, lube tanks and grossly underestimated fuel efficiency, courtesy of Volkswagen. Buy now for $59,999 at your nearest Helpless Desk Heroes dealership.
GodCinnamonKing  CinnamonFreak I was gonna make another Volkswagen quip but I was EXHAUSTed! Okay sorry, I know, it hurts. King of the popsicles of Cinnamonland and a popsicle himself, but holds no documentation as proof of purchase so we all just assume he's a bit of a rebel. Likes to question Wadeston, which is strange because dermatologists say 9 times out of 10 it gives a nasty rash. And pancakes.
GodDirzorrus  Ronaldon One of the only people that tries to act like the give a Damn about context. Has a hard name. Almost as hard as explaining why Volkswagen lied on their emissions tests. (Have I taken the joke too far?) Also is a vegan cross fit German who vapes. Oh the humanity.
GodShiva the punny  Xaxaxa Makes good puns. Thinks your puns are shit. Git gud son.
God???  ??? Really wants to be on the wiki. Also doesn't want to be forgotten. But it's too late.
GodGeorge W. Bush  'Murica Did 9/11, 7/11 and Kevin '07. Hideous monster who openly humps streetlights.
<insert name here> <insert Volkswagen hero here> <insert Volkswagen emissions quip here> Ha ha ha <joke> blah blah <pun> αlpha βeta bok bok bok <anecdotal evidence member is a terrorist>
GodSkill321  Narthna The unknown variable with unknown skills.
GodKazeuss  Minuki Mizaha Newest kinda active recruit. Might make it to the top. Doesn't like Zeus.

Friends of the Helpless Desk Heroes

Name Description
Confratulations The one true God. Enjoys Kool-AIDS and clubbing baby seals.
Satan Long time friend and mentor to Kaboom0, has mastered the art of baking pastries from souls and human flesh.
Adolf Hitler The Guild's Meat Dragon. Was given to us by Satan as a gift. He is made of orphan meat and contains the restless soul of Adolf Hitler.
Jesus The Crystal Dragon dwells under the guilds hall. Everytime someone challenged him and yelled 'Let's see what you made of!' He'll answer 'Crystal, duh..'. Apparently have mexican ancestry
O4A Society A group of Otaku's who have sworn themselves to Ancience after being seduced by her tail. Provides a constant stream of fatty souls to the guild.
The Souls of Silence Kofuku's assassin ring. We don't ask, she doesn't tell. Provides steady supply of tortured souls.
Pagan Pastries The bakery run by Kaboom0 and Timaeustestified with Satan's help. May or may not make delicious treats that steal people's souls. Provides an abundant amount of souls from regular people.
Saint Asclepius A chain of badly funded and unsanitized hospitals run by Noname112. Provides the sweet suffering that can only come from a slow painful death and losing your loved ones. Also souls.
Hell Kaboom0 was recently promoted to CEO of Hell so that Satan could take time off to play golf with squirrel skulls, among other activities.
Volkswagen™ Home of Deus Ex Machina 98 and steady supplier of spare parts. Also evil.

Presidents Of The Guild

Meet the elite of the elite. These people are so fabulous you'll turn for them. Please note dates are aligned with GMT +11:00 and are in standard Australian format (dd/mm/yy) because f*#@ you imperial scum.

# Name Term of office (in non-retard notation)
1 GodTimaeustestified  3/5/15 - 31/8/15
2 GodTD23ASUS  13/9/15 - 11/1/16
3 GodIAmTheKroc  26/1/16 - 25/5/16
4 GodGeareint  8/6/16 - 6/10/16
5 GodKofuku  20/10/16 - 17/2/17
6 GodDeus Ex Machina 98  3/3/17-1/7/17
7 GodCinnamonKing  15/7/17-12/11/17
8 GodDeus Ex Machina 98  26/11/17-??
? God???  ?? - 30/5/19
9 GodTD23ASUS  1/6/19 - 28/9/19
10 GodDirzorrus  4/11/19 - TBD