Green Bottle's Cult
A summary of the Green Bottles Cult
Founded in the 814 B.C. by the Phoenicians, almost simultaneously with the founding of Carthage, the 'Green Bottles Cult' is one of the oldest guilds in the world. This infamous guild has been whispered about in bars and taverns 'cross the globe, and more recently in spaceport watering holes as far away as the Pleiads and the Milliways.
Held in the highest amongst the most well-known connoisseurs of humanity and drunkards alike, the Green Bottle Cult consists of members who adhere to the (somewhat) obvious standard of only drinking beverages which have been packaged, shipped, and distributed in a green bottle. We can all attest to the beauty of the green bottle.
50 Shades of Green
The exact shades, tints, and hues of the green bottle is a matter of personal preference. There are a wide variety of hues in the green family which are acceptable for our members to choose from which include include: absinthe, algae, artichoke, asparagus, aquamarine, avocado, bamboo, beryl, bright, cabbage, cactus, camouflage, celery, chartreuse, celadon, champagne, chlorophyll, citrus, coriander, cucumber, dark moss, dead-leaf, deep green, dill, envy, eucalyptus, evergreen, field, fern, fir, forest, golf, graceful, green, harlequin, hunter, jungle, kale, kelly, kelp, khaki, kiwi, laurel, lawn, leaf, leek, lime, malachite, mantis, melon, midnight, military, mint, mistletoe, moss, myrtle, neon, olive, olive drab, pale, pastel, pea, pear, pine, poison ivy, puke, moss, jade, reseda, rifle, sage, salad, sap, sea, sea foam, seaweed, shamrock green, spring, spearmint, spinach, teal, tree, tropical, turtle, verde, vineyard, viridian, wasabi, William Hooker’s green, willow, yellow-green, and zombie.
Scholars agree there are endless naming variations for the green colors, e.g., blue-green, clear green, peacock green, jade green, apple-green, emerald green, grass green, citron, etc. Honestly, though; every guild initiate is trained regarding the true definition of green glass; which is the longtime glassmaker term for glass with a variably aqua coloration from the naturally occurring iron in the sand used for making glass and neither colorized nor decolorized.
Green Bottles: What’s in them?
Luckily for adherents of this notorious guild, there are many varieties of drinks sold in green bottles including cider, milk, soda, juice, flavored coffee, champagne, cognac, scotch whisky, gin, ale, porter, wine, and beer. Compounds, tonics, and medicines are only ever dispensed in a green bottle by the pharmacy for our guild doctor. Members are reminded to save these medicinal bottles and incorporate them into our green bottle collection.
Sadly, (and perhaps purposefully, with a bit of spite) the water bottling companies have for some reason consistently neglected to package water in green bottles, and would have left the cult's followers condemned to rehydrate only with Perrier, with a lime in it. It was this very cruelty that led to the demise of the Guild founder and first Guild Master, Alastair Beardach, who chose to subsist on scotch alone (defying conventional thought and wisdom) and ultimately paying the price. (Literally leaving his entire fortune to the distilleries of the Highlands, that his cause might continue for generations.) The second Guild Master, Harold Greenly, promptly amended the constitution allowing for used green bottles to be filled with mineral, spring, or tap water at waterfalls, natural springs, reservoirs, streams, lakes, glaciers, wells, taps, atmospheric water generators, condensation stations, distillation devices, solar stills, waterstones, and replicators.
Finding Green Bottles: A Guide
Paint swatches and photos of green jars, pots, vases, boxes, containers, flags, painted pictures, statues, guitars, furniture, clothing items, and other miscellaneous items are kept in the guild closet as guides for potential recruits and new members to use as acceptable colors for donations to our collection and may be checked out (similar to a library book) for reference. The checked out photo is required to be returned, along with at least one green bottle to be added to our collection. A deposit is no longer required to check out these photos as previously required, thanks to a generous donation by the November Publishing Company. Note: a reference from an active guild member will waive the requirement to return the photo or paint swatch, but not the required donation of a green bottle.
Green Bottle Guild Guidebook
The modern iteration of this guild has added a few more practical goals to its basic constitution, including:
- All members regardless of rank - from new recruit to Brewmaster - is required to add their green bottles to our guild green bottle collection, found in the inner sanctum at least once a year.
- If a member has the time, and they can convince their hero to do so, work to slowly take over the world on behalf of the Green Bottle Cult guild by buying a green bottle from locations far and wide to add to our collection.
- Travel from Land’s End to John O'Groats in Scotland or Givat Shmuel, Israel and place your one of a kind green bottle on the Great Wall of Green Bottles.
- Once a year, on St. Swithun's day (July 15th), all guild members must meet and take a drink from a green bottle, and say a prayer or small blessing for three seconds. Thou shalt count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then pass the bottle to share the drink with your guild members until the drink contained therein is gone. Everyone at the gathering should then sing “The Near Future (How Dry I Am)” in order to prevent it from raining.
- Wear a kilt all of the time. ALL OF THE TIME. Some exceptions exist, like if you find a really cool pair of trousers. Hand made, period-correct, one of a kind dresses are also acceptable.
- Guild Members, friends, and visitors alike are all reminded to leave your drama and politics at our infamous guild bar, ”Vegas”. Our bar motto had become a worldwide-known slogan, “whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”.
Elite Guild Members
The following is a list of members who have achieved greatness simply by continuing to sit on their barstool and staying in the guild, versus those who have chosen to get up to leave in order to drink elsewhere.
- Alastair Beardach* - Founder & First Guild Leader, who founded the guild after accepting the drunken dare from his friend who dared to think our great guild would never be successful.
- Harold Greenly - second guild leader, allowed for green bottles to be refilled with water so members could enjoy their hydration responsibility if and when they chose to do so.
- BenevolentMalevolent - Multi-time guild leader and all around friendly goofball. Responsible for scaling Mount Saint Bottle, which was really just an inordinate amount of empty green bottles that no one had recycled. So, he decided to take it upon himself to scale the mighty mountain and gather every single bottle for his guild. There is a commemorative plaque marking his large donation hanging in the archway of the inner sanctum.
- Agata-sama* - Current Guild Leader, elected during a great game of spin the green bottle.
These are the guild members who have all carved their names onto the bottom of their barstools in order to save their seats for whenever they venture back to town to get coins to buy more green bottles:
- Red Mag
We hope you have enjoyed this look into guild history, and that you sincerely consider joining us and contributing to our green bottle collection. Please feel free to visit our guild hall to see what one of the oldest guilds has to offer. We offer free tours of our guild in exchange for a donation of a green bottle to add to our collection.
For backstage passes to our guild where you can visit our viewing room, which features cathedral windows to see our inner sanctum where you can watch us carefully clean and add to our green bottle collection, and the chance to meet a few of our guild members, please bring at least a dozen unique, handmade, green bottles. Please note all coin donations madero the guild in the place of green bottles can only be approved by elite members (Brewmasters), our current guild leader, and any of our former guild leaders.
We always have room for one more here at the guild bar where nobody knows your name, but they’re always glad you came. We’ll leave the Christmas lights and neon signs on for you.