Remember this moment...
...when you open the Godville forums firstly and you notice: There is more...
...when you read through the topics and you see: This is not a ZPG! There are other gods out there!
...when you see a question, a sentence, an exclamation and you think: I can answer!
And then, the following weeks, you just sit there, writing, waiting for an answer, for a new topic, and you feel happy...
...until it is there. In black, clear and evil letters:
Message limit is exceeded. Please take a little rest from the forums...
If this is your biggest fear, then you are right here, right at the Confessing Spammers!
In the beginning there was nothing and nothing disappeared and - for reasons still obscure - there was everything. This happened during a moment called the "Big Bang", the metaphorically loudest "Bang" in history. Soon a group of people agreed to (attempt to) understand this moment. They invented a word, "spammer", which they found a very funny word and because people generally take the most ridiculous ideas of all, this suggestion was used. They also wanted to become a religious group (taxes, you know?) and, as they had a rather strong habit of recounting their days of sin and nights of debauchery to one another, they finally settled their name: Confessing Spammers.
First their activities consisted in talking to other people, talking to themselves, talking to pets, talking to things, talking to nothing, talking to philosophically existing things that didn't find a place in the real world, virtual things and alcoholic things/drinks.
But then there opened a gate, a gate of new possibilities: a gate to Godville... In Godville they met many strange things... They saw "heroes" building temples for their gods and they saw the gods sitting on the clouds and punishing their heroes, and so, when they were asked to decide between being a god and a hero, they chose to become gods. They also noticed another fabulous, great and wonderful invention: The Godville Forums!
Then they knew: This is our place. Here we belong.
But dark times followed, and the Confessing Spammers became unknown and forgotten. Long they had been important, long they had been mighty, but this had been long ago. They were a wreck, nothing more. Ruins, where their headquarters had been. Nobody had ever heard about such a group. The only ones to keep their memory were the - for many heroes annoying - talking donkeys, a creation done by the old Spammers, a sign of their long gone might. They had kept their memory, and it was the case that they told two heroes this old story and the heroes did, not knowing what else to do, write this into their diaries. And this was read by the young gods and ... Well, this is the result...
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Become a member...
Why should I join?
We are simply the best guild ever!
The following definitions are needed to understand the next paragraph:
- The most capable member concerning one aspect. If there is no aspect defined, it can just be left out.
- Referring to the philosophy of Immanuel Kant, time and causality are just subjective quantities. Thus "ever" has no meaning here.
- We are simply the best guild ever!
After usage of the rules mentioned in the definitions above, we get:
- We are a guild!
Bonuses in the infiltrated towns!
He is seriously wounded. His left arm is mostly gone, the blood on his right arm is already dried. His chest is not nice to look at anymore, neither his head. Not to talk about his mind, deeply wounded. In the distance small houses can be seen, the roofs of Monsterdam. Finally! But... How to pay the doctor?
|— a common scenario|
This happens often, every hero experienced it yet... How could them be helped?
It's so easy with Confessing Spammers' Health Care! Free medical care in all towns we own, umm, are known in...
But our help contains another offer: Better equipment! This means less damage and thus less wounds! The heroes will not need to return to town that often anymore - that surely is a bonus scarcely to be replaced!
Excellent medical services!
In addition to free healthcare in towns we are known in, you may get patched up at anytime by our newly anointed
mad scientist guild physician and scientist, .
Any issues your hero may have will be quickly tended to, whether it's:
- Myocardial Infarctions
- Limb and brain replacement
- Plastic surgery
- Alcohol withdrawals
- and More!
takes minimal fees as he is an altruistic god and, unrelatedly, a mad scientist in his free time. He would NEVER use any experimental procedures on unknowing patients to fulfill his insatiable appetite of pushing the limits of science.
Free pet training!
Yes, we offer free and individual pet training, for any pet you have, let it be a sun dog, a philosoraptor or even a godvilla ... no problem for our widely experienced pet coach, .
Our offer contains:
- rescue training: like seen in the diary entry above, saving your hero, their friends and little children - of course
- battle training: die less and minimise the chance of your hero's pet to get knocked out
- pet psychological lessons: help your hero's pet to come to terms with its monster past
- how-to-handle-a-drunken-hero-lessons: maybe the most important part
So, if you are not convinced yet, there will be hardly a way to convince you!
How to join?
Despite being level 12, there are a few things you should have a look at when trying to join us:
- Your hero shouldn't be somewhere in a town, but wandering around.
- Your hero shouldn't fight a monster at the moment, the noise of a battle could make it difficult to hear the voice command.
- You shouldn't cancel the hero's actual quest. This will happen automatically.
So, when all of this is the case, you may tell your hero:
Join the "Confessing Spammers" guild!
|— a wise god to his hero|
Because the probability that your hero listens to this god voice is only 30%, it may take a few attempts to get your hero to join our guild. He then will start a special quest that ends with your hero joining the "Confessing Spammers".
How to stay?
Sometimes, your hero will, in a seizure of mental blindness, want to leave this guild and join another one. In this case you should just tell him:
Cancel this stupid quest!
He will try this about seven times, until he reaches cardinal rank. Then he is convinced of this guild being the only right one. As long as you check on him at least once every thirty days... if you wait longer than that, for reasons unknown he will forget all his reasons for staying and may start to join another guild after all.
How to participate?
- Town popularity: If you are in town and have a few charges left: Please increase our influence here! You do this by punishing, encouraging or miracling in the town yard! We now have a rank in the pantheon of popularity and we want to keep it!
- ✍Your motto✍: If you want to show your belonging to us and have a little space in your motto left, you might copy our sign into your motto! This would help us getting new members, e.g. if you get in the newspaper...
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Our coat of arms
It was June 7, about 11pm local time. The guild leader has made a ridiculous suggestion - once more: A crest for the Confessing Spammers? Yea, cool idea, but, honestly: Why???
After having a good laugh, the goddess  starts working. It takes several takes, almost five days, until the result can be presented:
Good and evil, light and darkness, fight and peace - this is what the colours black and yellow stand for. It is an eternal struggle, a struggle no one can escape. We neither. We live it. I mean, we are Spammers!.
The wave, however, stands for the eternal beer supplies we own - never they shall go out!
Good and evil is ubiquitous, represented by the chape, for the power of punishment, and a caduceus, picturing the power of encouragement.
The horses are too hard to understand for most people, so I won't give an explanation here.
Finally: Our values. That was the hardest part, and we scarcely managed to resist the temptation to add "virility". Merit, virtue, loyalty. This is who we are.
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Our guild council (GC)
After three days of being a spammer, you have a new possibility to spam: The guild council! This place belongs just to us; it is like the chat with a lot (well, at the moment a few) good friends! But, as in any conversation, there have to be a few rules:
- A Spammer is a person who writes and talks a lot and therefore knows, how to behave. Thus, insulting and swearing are undesired and unworthy of a real Spammer.
- Spamming, in common parlance, is allowed, but in moderation. Sending the same message over and over however, will be valued as bad behaviour.
- In case of a dispute with another person, rule 1. is still effective. Further, it should be tried to empathise with your verbal opponent.
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Our one and only: The Godville Forums
The forums: Here we belong! They are our fix star, the sun Godville is spinning around, our Meaning of Life! Main square, workman's area, guild headquarters or flame lounge - it is unimportant where you post!
Somewhere between the eighty-first and two hundred and second dimension is the main square of Godville: The perfect place to meet other gods, unimportant if you need help or just want to talk - here are you right with any stuff related to Godville!
Unhappy with the world? Change it!
Doesn't virtual life work as it should? Do you have got a simply awesome idea? Or did your hero say inappropriate things? Come here if you want to wield the verbal hammer and make this world to your world! This is definitely a place you should contribute in!
Role playing is the name of the game! Become acquainted with gods from other guilds or keep our personal forum thread alive and on the front page! Drink a beer at the bar, talk with your "good ol' guildmates" and just relax!
Build up a character! Give him a personality! And let him become alive...
This is a guild for active Flame Lounge forum posters, where we discuss threads, have ideas for new threads and so on. If we become the best it is ok, but the primary reason for this guild being made is to gang us Forum posters together. Let us spam till post limit!
|— The Wyvern God, Confessing Spammers Headquarters|
These words might become words for eternity one day. These words are the foundation stone our headquarters are build on.
Picture a small, round hall, covered with a dome. Marble, gems and glass are the things it is build of. In the middle is a dining table, covered with food over and over, next to a bar, because what was a guild headquarters without drinks? Try our Spammed Wine! And above this all, hanging down from the dome... A shadow on the table below... A wyvern, dead and stuffed...
On 1584 g.e., one day after the building was completed, PutInNameHere gives a negative example of using a do it yourself cocktail bar. The guild hall was repaired, but it was never the same again...
So: Welcome to our headquarters! May the conversations never fall silent!
Caught in a little hole near the (lilac plaid) three hundred thirty-eighth dimension, the Flame Lounge is being spammer at night and day! Find out more about your divine friends by asking questions or do other weird things!
PS: This thread should be dedicated to us...
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Thanks to a mad scientist within our own ranks, Confessing Spammers entered the rest of the internet on 1835 g.e., May 19th 2015 internet time, through Reddit. If you should be bored or would like to submit pictures, links, or ideas for our guild, stop by our subreddit and check it out!
We are always seeking to advance, become more connected, and to help improve our guild, Godwiki page, and our fundamental workings in any way possible! This page will help us network and to grow, and we invite you to be a proactive part of this ever-going process!
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On 1767 g.e. we became officially allied with The Circle of Mages.
The Circle is an alliance of mages, founded by the god From Animus, that explore the depths of sorcery. Elves, blood mages, dwarfs or humans - everyone capable of magic can be taken. We are glad to have such a mighty, mostly nice ally!
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Food, drinks and souvenirs
Will you stay or are you just visiting us? Nevermind, you should have a look at our gift shop (the small building next to our guild hall) either way!
Our offer is a bit small at the moment, but we are really trying to enlarge it. So if you don't find the right thing yet, try later!
- Are you bored of usual sandwiches? Of course, they are always the same! You should definitely try our godhandmade guild sandwiches™! Warming up in wintertime, but also pretty cool for a hot summer day - the hit in the Godville forums!
- Have you left vegetarianism and come to the dark side again? Are you tired of eating this green stuff called "healthy"? Does your stomach long for meat? Try our Spammed SPAM™ and get to know the true feeling of being a carnivore!
- In his leisure time, The Wyvern God, r.u.r., our founder, is not just lazing around and punishing his hero for this and that, but he sacrifices some of his time to make an interesting kind of liquor, the wrong one for a hero, the right one for a god! Spammed Wine™ is not a common kind of drink, but an invention, a big step - maybe even to the right direction! Experiences - remembered or not - guaranteed!
- Many people are annoyed by being talked at on and on and on... Do you belong to these people? If yes, I bet we've got the right think for you: The Uranium-powered Selective Spam Filter™! There is no need to listen anymore (and we improve our image as we don't seem as annoying as we are). This double effect makes it the perfect gift for - and I'm proud to say so - almost everyone!
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If the part concerning participation hasn't answered all your questions yet: Read about the pantheons.
Pantheons are a way to compare heroes and guilds to each other, heroes because of number of experience, rating of chronicles and many other things, guilds in only three categories:
The following short texts will give you a little information about our relationship to these pantheons.
There is hardly a pantheon our position changes faster and more often in. Having been on the very top of the pantheon, as seen above, we have also experienced the 150th position.
Where we are at the moment? How should I know - look it up yourself!
This pantheon has the highest priority among us. We fight, win and loose, obtain bricks, gold and honour, get happy and get annoyed!
This can be seen in our ranking, too: At the moment we are 45th in this pantheon, and we're giving our best to become the best!
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For details about the Confessing Spammers Guild Statistics please visit:
Our guild intendants
|Past leader, leader of the legendary B-team; retired until return||Centre of Little Bob who could's philosophical studies|
|Co-founder and grand archivist, past leader;||Praised by the hero The Ineffable|
|Official guild physician and mad scientist, past leader; retired until return||Honoured and worshipped by KendallMan|
|Creator of crest, past leader; retired until return||Glorified by her faithful Little Thumper|
|Founder and intendant for recruitment strategies; retired until return||Worshipped by his creation The Wyvernborn|
|Guild reporter; retired until return||Represented by Filinia|
|Professional guild-sworn pet trainer; retired until return||Proudly prayed to by the Fallen Failure|
When it became possible on 1689 g.e. to elect a leader, the Confessing Spammers didn't have the necessary five cardinals to do so yet. As soon as this changed one of the Founders of the Guild was elected as leader.
For details on past or upcoming elections please look at:
It was October, and the year of 2015 began accepting its fate to cease by entering its last quarter. It was in these days that Ruben the Bold, for long an honourable member of our guild, decided the Confessing Spammers (a) needed a guild reporter and (b) he needed to be said reporter. We are proud to be able to present his work here:
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The Guild Chronicles
- 1580 g.e.: The "Confessing Spammers" Guild is founded by .
- 1582 g.e.: Co-founder joins the guild after a long journey.
- 1583 g.e.: The last stone of the headquarters is being placed. The first guests are being welcomed. The conversations have started and never shall end!
- 1584 g.e.: blows down a part of the guild hall by mixing up things you apparently shouldn't mix up.
- 1587 g.e.: joins The Spammers and thus becomes the third member!
- 1610 g.e.: The Confessing Spammers hit the Top 100 in the pantheon of duelery. It is herewith being announced that this is not supposed to be the end of growth...
- 1633 g.e.: The arrival of our fifth member lets us instantly reach a high ranking in the pantheon of popularity. It decreases later, but we will not leave it!
- 1657 g.e.: becomes the professional Confessing Spammers pet coach! Congratulations!
- about 1732 g.e.: leaves the guild, probably due to inactivity. He will be seen as "retired until return".
- 1797 g.e.: is being elected as the guild's first official leader.
- 1835 g.e.: The guild opens its doors to the world wide web: We are on Reddit now!
- 1859 g.e.: creates a coat of arms for us!
- 1941 g.e.: starts his term as the second officially elected leader.
- 2066 g.e.: is being elected as the third Confessing Spammers' leader.
- 2201 g.e.: becomes the fourth leader of the Confessing Spammers.
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This page was written for being viewed on mobile phones, So please do not complain about it being not so beautiful when being viewed on a laptop or personal computer.
A huge thank you to our guild physicianfor reading through this page and correcting my mistakes!
Also, a thousand and one (or two) thank yous to everybody who helped me with this page without knowing, the creators of other, very inspiring Godwiki pages! Pressing the "Random Page" button wouldn't be have as much fun without you, and this page would be way worse!
My apologies to all those who are confused by the swapping between using the Gregorian calendar and the Godville Era (g.e.) calendar. The circumstances under which this happened are complex and not to be explained publicly. Let's just say the author was confused, too.
Changing this page
|If you would like to suggest something, please contact (U • C • T) or (U • C • T) as every unauthorised change can and will be redone! Or you write yourself down in our visitor's book where you can criticise or just send best wishes if you feel like!|
Footnotes and references
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- For, when there was nothing, there was no medium of which sound waves could travel through. Therefore, it follows suit that when there was everything, there could be noise. But because philosophers and physicists were not present and can only speculate about what is "before" this point, "why," and so on, uncertainty and inquisitiveness permeated their thoughts. (A fellow by the name of Heisenberg, among others, attempted to address this.)
- Multum dicere, tamen nihilum exprimere!
- According to the Arena Godwiki page.
- According to the Ankh-Morpork City Watch Godwiki page.
- For copying: ✍
- Later on our guild leader for a reason - or even several!
- Ok, ok, yes, they're funny! Are you content now?
- It is being rumoured that about 69% of these "minor dimensions" are being bedevilled by inferiority complexes. A lamentable state!
- An especially sad one.
- r.u.r.: "retired until return"
- In German: Doppler-Effekt
- Discovered by .
- Data current as of 1633 g.e.
- He may not have said in these exact words, but the result was: We (a) got a guild reporter and this guild reporter (b) was Ruben the Bold.