Canned heat

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Artifacts of Godville
Canned heat
Heat.JPG
Type 💎Bold
Description Do not freeze.

Canned heat is an artifact commonly found on the shelves of well-equipped camping stores and even more commonly in the pockets of the monsters that frequent them. Since well-equipped camping stores are becoming rare,[1] canned heat is becoming similarly rare, and the traders who see a market opening up are eager to pay reasonable prices to acquire the items.

Uses

Monsters use canned heat to cook their meals, generate home-made fireworks, warm their lairs on snowy nights, light their fire breath in the morning, burn off noxious weeds, and sterilize their weaponry.

Heroes use canned heat to augment their wallets.

Origins

Canned heat began as an experiment by a heat-packing plant to simultaneously diversify its product line, diversify its workforce, and comply with the Godville Office of Health and Safety Standards (GOHSS) requirements. Surviving documentation indicates that early methods of packing heat were quietly violent, necessitating that only the strong, silent types with excellent compartmentalization and repression skills were accepted onto the factory floors. Spills, though very rare, inevitably decimated the towns near centers of the heat packing industry. 

One short era of heat packing attempted to license young punks to pack heat. This practice quickly ceased, and resulted in the curious habit of naming all plant janitors "Harry," regardless of gender.

As the golden age of Godville heroism dawned, many of the strong, silent types were drawn from the available pool supplying the workforce for heat-packing plants. Within the remaining men and women who went into the venerable service, the quality of compartmentalization became noticeably poorer. As a result, incidents of overt and bloody conflict between those packing heat became more frequent. GOHSS published a study of the industry in g.e. 102[2], resulting in directives that placed sanctions on members of the heat packing industry until they reduced the fatality rate across all of their plants. 

The GOHSS sanctions coincided with a decrease in the sales of packed heat. Public interest among campers had waned due to an interest in recyclable materials rather than the styrofoam-and-cellophane package that was then the industry standard.

The heat barons put their rivalries temporarily on hold and called a summit to deal with the three problems of decreased workforces, safety regulations, and shrinking markets. This famous meeting is now known as the Runingun 20 for the golf course that hosted it. It resulted in a decision that each industry leader would establish a Research & Development department to study new handling and packaging methods.

The R&D departments set to this unenviable task developed the following methods and their characteristic behaviors:
Freeze-Dried Heat-- Long shelf life; easily portable form; prone to spontaneous combustion in humid environments. 
Bottled Heat-- Easily-handled shape; sells well in bulk; opened companies up to lawsuits in the distant city-state Godlifornia, where consumers demanded a "Caution: Not Beer!" label.
Canned Heat-- Adaptable to a workforce of former stay-at-home mothers; never goes bad; especially convenient for campers with claws and other types of built-in can openers.
 
Due to a combination of cost-cutting measures, packaging defects, and a nation-wide revolt against the heat packing industry in general, canned heat is the only type of packed heat seen in present circulation. Today, the location of heat-canning factories is a well-kept secret, only betrayed after the fact when heroes and heroines pass by the smoldering remains of a town which they cannot remember burning.

Footnotes

  1. Scientists speculate that this may have something to do with the stores' clientele.
  2. No references consulted; date false.