Boartender

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Monsters of Godville
Boartender
Boar2.jpg
Class A species of large, terrestrial placental mammal
Habitat A suspicious bar in the middle of the forest
Description Wild barboar[1]

The Boartender is an alcohol-serving monster that lures heroes with the promise of fresh beer.

Origins

The first known depictions of Boartenders date from before the invention of beer and ale. They hail from far and undiscovered corners of Godville, and started their wild career as barbours by offering sake to careless travellers. One hero refused to drink with a boar, quoting as his reason, "I cannot drink with a monster—my wife will kill me," which usually isn't a good enough excuse for a budding Boartender. So it ate him.

When the Boartenders arrived in Godville, they found the situation was reversed. A multitudes of heroes wanted their beer, all their beer, and without paying for it. Therefore, Boartenders had to adapt. In defence of their beautiful bars and their way of life, they decided to attack and eat every hero who didn't leave payment and a nice tip.

How to recognize this monster

Boartender and his beer receptors[2]

Monster is a big bipedal boar, usually accompanied by a bar full of the best beer any hero has ever seen in his life. The Boartender looks hospitable and hearty at first, but becomes fierce and unapproachable the instant the hero "forgets" to lavishly tip it. Young Boartenders are indistinguishable from normal boring piglets at first sign but they never refuse tips.

  • Handsome looks (for a swine)
  • Curly tail on furry rump
  • Big floppy ears
  • Heart of gold and liver of steel

The color of its skin, and thus its durable bristles, depends on which beverage it favors. Beer gives it a coloration from light amber shade to dark brown; wine, a dark reddish tint; eggnog, a nice creamy beige; and colored drinks ensure a glaring inability to hide in greenery.

The Boartenders' Guild considers drinking transparent drinks like sake or vodka to be in bad taste.[3]

Its mortal enemy is the Beerserker, who often destroys its sleek bar.

Attributes

Young Boartender piglets learn how to reach the bar

Strengths

  • Can disarm hero with fresh beer and promise of free psychological advice
  • Sensitive to the smell of alcohol (so the hero cannot hide from it)
  • Tusks of Doom (bartending has dental benefits apparently)
  • Pattering trotters to smash you better with

Weaknesses

  • Terrified of the Acid tears skill
  • Squeaky piggy voice (and sensitive about it)
  • Doesn't have thumbs
  • Pork-ously delicious

References

  1. DO NOT confuse with Barbour; this species isn't an article of clothing.
  2. As seen in the documentary movie Princess Mononoke by Hayao Miyazaki, a known authority in the field of monster biology and history.
  3. This is due to a scandal during the Summer Beer Festival of '96 where the head of the guild danced in transparent fur. Unfortunately no one had informed the Guildmaster that it was a family event.
JanuWiki 2019
Monsters
Lagers Ale-chemist 🍻 Barbeerian 🍻 Beer Cub 🍻 Beer Golem 🍻 Beer Mugger 🍻 Beerburglar 🍻 Beerkat 🍻 Beerserker 🍻 Beerwolf 🍻 Boartender 🍻 Brewpid the Reindeer 🍻 Diet Sprite 🍻 Drinkerella 🍻 Extra Dry Djinn 🍻 Methylated Spiritualist 🍻 Red Bull 🍻 Tea Rex 🍻 Tequila Mockingbird
Tigers Basement Cat 🐱 Bureau-cat 🐱 Fat Cat 🐱 Meowntain Cat 🐱 Neferkitty 🐱 Photocopycat 🐱 Punk Panther 🐱 Weakest Lynx
Bears Bear Minimum
Oh My! Adminotaur 🏋️ Boozerker 🏋️ Godbuster 🏋️ Thug-of-war 🏋️ Wraptor
Other Articles
Artifacts Bar tab 🍻 Beer-battered beer 🍻 Beer-scented soap 🍻 Bottle of beer from a wall 🍻 Bottle of domesticated beer 🍻 Bottle of holy ale 🍻 Can of ambrosia 🍻 Exclamation pint 🍻 “Free beer” ticket 🍻 Instant beer tablet 🍻 Pint of no return 🍻 Strange brew 🍻 Vanishing pint
Equipment Ancient cork 🍻 Awkward paws 🍻 Bear arms 🍻 Beer goggles
Quests Brew a storm in a teacup 🍻 Sit in a tavern and write fake diary entries
Skills Beer belly 🍻 Lion belch
Taverns All Inn 🍻 The Battle Toad 🍻 Caravanserai 🍻 Progress Bar 🍻 The Rumor Mill 🍻 The Sword & Sandal 🍻 The Whinery