|Description||Chaotic creations of confusion|
- The following is an extract from Thee Auspischiousse Almanaccke offe Aloysius de Biere, Genettelmanne Skhollarre, 142 g.e. edition. Reproduced with the kind permission of The Upper Egopolis Egoptology and Esoterica Society. Some editing for clarity and modernized spelling was required.
Beer goggles are a piece of equipment worn on the head and face, enchanted with chaotic magics. They are created in the secret Jagged Peaks ateliers of the Malicious Monks of Smee Hee. Capricious and mischievous in nature, the Malicious Monks delight in producing magical objects with unpredictable effects.
By using a variety of different lens materials, combined with chaotic enchantments, no two sets of beer goggles are ever created alike, nor have exactly the same effects. Even the same set of beer goggles will behave differently on different wearers, or on different days.
It is possible to make some prediction of the tendencies that a set of beer goggles will display. A careful (and expensive) examination by a skilled gizmologist or apparatist may be able to discern something of the materials used, and an aurologist's divination may give insight into the equipment's chromato-chaotic enchantments.
While it is not advisable for the amateur assayist to attempt to analyze the attributes of the average set of beer goggles, the tables below may assist the hobbyist collector in a simple survey. Each lens will be made of a different material, with often several different glass sources mixed together in a single lens, so a complete analysis is challenging.
|1x magnifying glass||At occasional intervals, the true nature of the world is revealed to the wearer, and immediately forgotten.|
|Double-barreled shot glass||The wearer feels an irresistible impulse to repeat everything they say. It is likely that words or phrases that they say will be repeated. Possibly, they may feel the urge to paraphrase things more than twice.|
|Glass eye||Anyone speaking to the wearer has the unnerving impression the wearer is staring at their ears.|
|Glass jaw||The wearer constantly starts fights with complete strangers, and constantly complains that everyone is out to get them.|
|Hourglass figure||At occasional intervals, the wearer's usual self-esteem is inverted. Brazen confidence transforms into wracking insecurity, and vice versa.|
|Half-full glass||At occasional intervals, the wearer's usual optimism or pessimism are inverted.|
|Ill-tempered glass||The wearer will become vexed and irascible without provocation.|
|Minimizing glass||The wearer will make every attempt to avoid paying their fair share of a joint activity.|
|Moonglasses||The wearer will unpredictably be moved to disrobe in public, particularly if near a fountain at night.|
|Pane in the glass||A profound and unshakeable gloominess will fall upon the wearer, which they will be utterly incapable of not talking about constantly. Especially potent when mixed with half-full glass (above), leading to bouts of manic hysteria.|
|Perplexiglass||The simplest of tasks will at times utterly stump the wearer.|
|Tempered Glass Dragon scale||The wearer is constantly varnished in a thin sheen of clammy sweat.|
- The gnomic and kobold gizmologists of Quirkytown's "Little Ghetto" district are reputed to be skilled at beer goggle analysis. Potential customers are advised to beware of destructionaires and ignitionists masquerading as gizmologists or apparatists. Refunds are seldom provided.
- It must be noted that chaotic enchantments will, by their nature, change over time. A beer goggle's enchantments may more accurately be described as hetero-chrono-chromo-chaotic.
- The melting and fusing of several different glasses together in an uneven, chaotic mixture leads the wearer of beer goggles to have blurred vision, impaired depth perception, impaired parallax perception, impaired co-ordination, impaired judgement, and a diminished capacity for the wielding of weapons. They are thus in many ways similar in their effect to most other adventurer equipment choices.