The Sword & Sandal
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The Sword & Sandal is a gladiatorial bar and themed restaurant for heroes and heroines of all ages.
Though today The Sword & Sandal has franchises throughout the cities and towns of Godville, it began as a little bar and restaurant beside the Godville arena, where spectators sick of hot dogs and fighters fresh from the arena could “sit down and get a little real food and drink.”
Contrary to popular belief, it didn't start out as a themed restaurant. The proprietor, one Rupert Murphey, was happily blind to that particular marketing opportunity until the first incident when a pair of fighters who had had a very close match both wound up in the joint at the same time, and decided to hold an instantaneous rematch. It became immediately clear that hanging swords and shields on the walls where the bartenders and waitstaff could reach them would significantly improve the safety and welfare of non-heroic patrons. And if those were necessities, Murphey reasoned, he might as well make them decorative.
Thus was born the “sandy-floored, armament-bedecked, lounger-strewn, combat-dinner-showed extravaganza” that has since been voted “best place for a birthday party, ever” for three consecutive years by the readers of Young Heroics magazine. On the wings of the initial location’s success, franchises first flew to Deville and Monsterdam, and expanded further in subsequent years. (Visitors intending to dine at each Sword & Sandal location may apply for a free “Gladiator’s Passport” in which to commemorate every meal. However, be warned that Murphey established a special Law for the Godville branch, requiring all prospective diners to be in perfect health before entering the premises.) Later expansions to the original location led to the establishment of the affiliated Sandal Strap Brewing and Bottling Company, which supplies all locations with the award-winning Barbarian’s Choice Bitter.
Lunch & Dinner Options
The Sword & Sandal opens daily for lunch and dinner, and offers patrons over 23 the option of renting the private dining room for parties from closing (generally at 11 PM) to 4 AM.
The lunch menu offers a viariety of hot and cold monster meat sandwiches for human patrons, a specialty supermango salad and varieties of stuffed grape leaves for vegetarians, and a mysterious “meatball hero” sandwich for monster patrons. Though combat may break out at any time at the Godville branch, other franchise locations have scheduled lunchtime exhibition matches at 12:45 PM.
The dinner menu revolves around the many different ways to serve pastas and cheeses, so The Sword & Sandal is not recommended for the carb-conscious or dairy-restricted diner. However, the proprietors of most locations will allow a small number of diners to bring in outside food, given sufficient warning and a promise to purchase two beverages from the restaurant cocktail menu. As noted before, combat at the Godville branch is unscheduled, but other locations perform their floor shows at 4 PM, 6 PM, and 7:30 PM, with the San Satanos location performing its perennially popular “Battle of the Legionairies” nightly at 8 PM.
Always on offer, whether lunch or dinner, is the speciality “god-fried steak.” According to the menu, “this choice fillet of beef is flash-seared to perfection by a lightning bolt from an angry god, just for you.” Four random diners interviewed after eating this dish agreed that the meal was delicious, but the stench of ozone that accompanied it was a little off-putting.
Famous Diners and What (Not) to Do if You See Them
Popular since its inception with the gladiators of the Godville Arena, The Sword & Sandal is widely regarded as the place to go for duelist-enthusiasts wishing to watch their heroes and heroines in unguarded moments. Those who choose to approach a gladiator are advised to use common sense. For instance, if one should happen to see Bonecrusher the Exterminatrix, do not bound over and scoop her up without permission; she may look like a fluffy, large-eyed, little kitten in desperate need of cuddles, catnip, and a ball of yarn, but make no mistake: she is a sword-swinging, death-dealing, razor-tipped professional soldier adept at becoming excrutiation incarnate!
Anyone intent on approaching a favorite gladiator is advised to:
- Always approach from the gladiator’s front.
- Stop and address the gladiator from at least two paces away.
- Wait for acknowledgment.
- Do not offer a pat on the back (they much prefer an offer to buy them a drink).
Famous Known Patron Gladiators and Duelists
- Bonecrusher the Exterminatrix
- June Spartan #132
- The Wayfarer
- The Preacher
- Lady Barbell of the Spaceways
- Jackie Ironchan
- Raffles of the Domino Mask
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