Hoity-Toity Poetry Contest
In an effort to entertain and educate the masses in fine literature, we are announcing our very first Weekly Harvest Poetry Contest.
We ask that all submissions be sent via PM to one of the paper staff. The staff will vote on all submissions. The top four poems will be published (anonymously) in next week’s paper to be voted on by our readers in the Harvest Moon forum. The winner will be publicly lauded and showered with adoration and their work, of course, will be posted in the forum for all to see. In addition, the winner will be featured in the next issue of the Weekly Harvest.
For this particular poetry contest, we are looking for a rare art form: five-line anapestic or amphibrachic meter with a strict rhyme scheme (AABBA)... also known as the limerick! Yes, clean limericks are seldom funny and and funny limericks are seldom clean, but that’s part of the challenge!
Also wanted: articles and article ideas. Tell us, dear readers, what you want to see here! Is there a question you’ve always wanted answered about game mechanics? Does the Random thwart you at every turn? Submit your question and our team of experts (we’ll find them, don’t worry) will do their best! If you’re asking it, others are, too. Think of it as public service.
Is there a topic, real or imagined, you’ve always wanted to see covered here? Send it in! Don’t have a question, but have all the answers (or at least one of them)? Write up an article and submit it. All authors will be credited. Don’t have an answer but feel like making something up GV-releated and seeing your name in print? Great! Send us that, too.
Note: All ideas and articles will be considered regardless of guild affiliation or hero alignment.
For inclusion in next week’s paper, please submit your limericks, articles and ideas no later than midnight CST, Sunday, April 28.
Doctor Frank's Advice Corner
|Dear Dr. Frank,
Guess what. My heroine was asked on a date. A date! She was told it would only happen if she completed a specific quest. She was so excited, she completed it faster than I’ve seen her do any other quest, spent 6000 coins on a new outfit... and then (predictably) waited five hours before realizing she was stood up. Now my heroine is so heart broken, she’s using mating calls to find him (she’s convinced something must have happened).
My question: How can I help her stop grieving? She's spending half her money on beer, skills and equipment in an attempt to find him and her mating calls are keeping me up all night (they keep attracting monsters which she refuses to fight). I'm at loss as to how to continue.
Signed, Out of ideas
Dearest You can't be serious,
First of all, if it isn't this, there will be some other reason she wastes half her money (and only that little if you're lucky and actually paying attention at least 80% of the time). "My pet's knocked out and I'm depressed," or "My friend said this equipment would look totally cute on me compared to the cheaper stuff I usually go for," or "Hey! It's five o'clock somewhere!" You can't stop her. But...
You can make yourself feel better. You may have noticed the button marked "Punish" on your Remote Control. Use it! “But, Frank, I’m a goody-goodie!” I know! And it’s okay! By making your heroine run around dodging lightning bolts, she’ll have less time during the day to pine for her unrequited love and she’ll sleep better at night, giving you your much needed beauty rest. Think of it not as “punishing” her, but as motivating her to move past these petty issues. After all, she’s never getting a real date so coddling her now would be terribly misleading.
Do it! Punish! It’s not like hitting that button is addictive or anything. You can go back to Encouraging the little princess next week. It’ll be fine. Really. Just remember: this is for her own good.
No question is too great or too small! Submit your questions for Doctor Frank-n-furter to any member of the staff. No invites? Send them via email to email@example.com.
Get To Know a Deity
Here we sit down weekly with a Harvest Moon warrior and find out what makes them tick. This week’s Deity is: Tamlynn 庙畜
Did someone ask for death and destruction?
- Q: What is your favorite salty snack?
- A: The tears of the babies of the Knights Who Say Ni, and all other goody two-shoes of the land.
- Q: What song do you like to dance to?
- A: Kali's Mantra of Death and Destruction.
- Q: How do you like to spend your spare time?
- A: Laughing at my heroine behind her back.
- Q: What are your heroine’s marketable skills?
- A: We don't market, we take what we want.
- Q: If you had to choose between frolicking with butterflies or hugging a puppy, which would you choose and why (death is not an option).
- A: Puppy. I saw a fine litter of hell hounds get whelped the other day.
- Q: Of all of the equipment out there, what is your ultimate, dream “outfit” for your hero?
- A: Anything but Icarus Wings. Will they not die already?!?!
- Q: What's the most evil thing your hero has done in your temple?
- A: Told thousands of people that donating money to my church will get them to everlasting paradise after they die.
If you have a burning question for Harvest Moon's Deities, please submit them to the staff. Thank you!
Did you know...
...used Weekly Harvests make great kitten sandwich wrappers?
Evil doesn't mean irresponsible! Read the Weekly Harvest next week for more "green" tips!
Famous HM Heroes This Week
|#831 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1075 g.e.
|Will71653 - 80th-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “Hi there! =D”, stands at the 20th position in the pantheon of might under the vigilant supervision of the god Will71635 . His worst enemy - a First Person Shooter. Favorite trophy - something that looks like a plot device. He is also a huge fan of Herolympus’s pubs.
|#833 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1077 g.e.
|Samuel Vimes - 82nd-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “No guild shall have me!”, stands at the 12th position in the pantheon of gratitude under the vigilant supervision of the god Belteshazzar . He always wanted to fill the Den of Evil with monsters, but never found the time.
Belteshazzar the Confounding
New feature! Belteshazzar can predict your future! Will he? Eh... Maybe. This weeks confoundee is Lady Darkness . Here's her oh so easy questions to answer, for someone with a brain like mine.
Belt knows all! Or he’s lost it. We aren’t sure yet.
- Q: Will I ever find the matches to the lone socks from the dryer?
- A: Not unless you're willing to enter your dryer and discover the new dimension beyond. A trip down the lint trap, and you'll find your lost socks being used in a tug of war match in Dust Bunny Mansion.
- Q: Is it ok to use emoticons with every message? :)
- A: Of course, it is. Especially if you wanna be viewed as a complete imbecile. The only acceptable reason to use emoticons is when you're chatting with someone who hates the things. Then, I say go for it and watch them slowly get angry through text.
- Q: Why is it 38 degrees where I live in April?
- A: Because God hates where you live. I know, it's harsh. It's not my views, just what the cubic zirconia ball is telling me.
- Q: How much wood could a curmudgeon chuck if a curmudgeon could chuck wood?
- A: Aha. Aha. Aha. A curmudgeon (especially a dashingly good-looking one) could chuck not only the finest wood, but also he could chuck the most wood. At least twice as much as half the amount, I'd estimate.
If you’d like your future confounded, PM Belteshazzar or submit your questions to any member of the Weekly Harvest staff! Minimum of three questions, please, and no more than five.
|Selling Evil Since Day 898 g.e.
FOR SALE: Two tickets to gangsters paradise. Only serious buyers, call 867-5309.
SERVICES: Pet dead? Bring it back to life, free of charge, soul intact! Leave a message on the hot line. Disclaimer: contract required, intact soul refers to the pet. Call 666-PET-REZZ today!
WANTED: Rehab. Addict looking for wet house to spend long, terrible nights in. Find me under the bridge in Trollbridge.
SERVICES: Have you ever wanted a disease named after you? We’ll make you famous! Contact Disease Naming Industries, LLC and we will infect you with a deadly disease that people will surely be talking about for years. Call DYING-4-FAME today!
CAMP: Hero Adventure Camp in Beerburgh. Quit watching him and let us take care of your pain in the... can we say *** here? No? What do you mean we pay by the letter? Stop typing!
Ravings from a Geezer
| Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy, position or opinion of the Harvest Moon Blood Council, any deity on the HMWH staff (or remotely associated with the Weekly Harvest) or any other |sane HM member or GV participant.
You know what really gets me going? When someone starts a great conversation with me, but then stops midway through and never finishes. I would rather punch them in the neck the next time I see them, rather than listen to a single word they have to say.
It's not like I haven't got
If you have any thoughts on this week's article feel free to contact the writer directly, as he has apparently left his post and wandered off.
Over the Moon
The Weekly Harvest Quiz
You can’t win if you don’t play!
How to play:
- Each week, there will be four “questions” posted here (and only here) in the Weekly Harvest. Answers to the questions can be found in the wiki, on the HM web site, in the forums or will be math/logic-based.
- Your “answers” must be in question form (a-la Jeopardy!).
- Answers must be submitted via the Harvest Moon Forum. Answers only, please! Don’t give away the questions to non-WH readers.
- The first god/dess to get all four questions right will win four (4) charges and be automatically entered to play in the Over the Moon Championship, held monthly on Palringo (yes, you’ll need to join Pal to play).
- The winner of the OtM Championship (to be based on a different game show each month) will receive 45 charges!!
This week’s Answers:
- This is the sum of the furthest-recorded milestones reached in OriGV (Russian-language Godville) and EngGV (English-language Godville).
- This is the maximum number of characters a hero name can be.
- This is the minimal length of characters a Voice Command can be.
- This is the date that pets were introduced to Godville.
Congratulations to last week’s winner: Royal Highness who will be joining Godofbeer and Varza in this month’s Championship round. Who will be the next to advance to this month’s finals? It could be you! See you in the forum! Good luck!