You downloaded a ZPG. You made yourself a hero/ine. You watched them fumble and bumble about Godville. You noticed an “Input the voice of god” box to type in. You typed, “Hi, little hero/ine!” or “Dance for me, monkey!” … and nothing happened. Maybe you looked at the wiki and tested some things out. Maybe you saw a funny “random shout” from another god/dess and were inspired. Or maybe you became frustrated and just gave up trying to speak to your hero/ine. No need to throw your phone at the wall or jump on your computer keyboard in frustration! Voice Commands (VCs) are actually pretty simple and can reward you with Godpower (GP) if you string them together in a way others find even a little entertaining.
Different VCs work in different places. What works while questing, may not work while fighting a monster, and what works against a monster may not work in the arena. What works in the arena is exactly the same as what will work against a boss monster, however. Rather than list what words do and don’t work, (it’s a long list and will soon be updated in its entirety on our website), we’ll focus on how to make those words work better for you.
- Most experienced players would agree that your hero/ine will listen better to complete sentences. Example: don’t just say “pray”, put it in a sentence, such as “I pray you listen to me this time.” Or, “I feel all warm and fuzzy when you pray to me.“
- Not having any luck? Try asking your hero a question instead of making a statement. Example: “Why won’t you pray to me?” Or, “Maybe I’ll listen to your prayers when you listen to me. Deal?”
- Try putting more than one “trigger” word in a sentence from the same category. Example: “Worship, pray and offer a sacrifice!” contains four words that can trigger your hero praying or sacrificing to gain you some GP.
- Unless you really don’t care what your hero does, try not to mix your VC categories (don’t tell him/her to pray, heal, and attack something all at once - they’ll only listen to one and you have no control over which it will be).
- You have a 100-character limit, so don’t waste your GP trying to send a witty novel that happens to have “pray” as its last word.
- Be aware that not all of the trigger words are obvious. Saying, “What’s wrong with you? Why won’t you return to town?” may either make your hero pray or go to the nearest town. Why? The words “with you” are a pray command, while “return” and “town” are town VCs.
- Words don’t have to be obvious to work. Hiding a command within another word can go a long way towards making your VCs creative enough to get you votes from other gods. Telling your heroine she uses too much “hairspray” or waxing philosophic about your love for “spray” cheese will work just as well as “pray.”
Next week: Your favorite VCs and/or “mystery” VCs (“why did my hero do X when I said Y - what’s the trigger?”). Send in your favorites!
At Home with Bella Stewart
| Advice from the Mavin of the Macabre, the Mistress of Mystery, our very own Empress: Bellatrixie The Strange!
Can't zip your pants without lying down? Do your upper arms keep waving after your hand has stopped? Tired of running around Godville as a muffin top? Shed those winter pounds with Bella's Awesome Drink, Diet and Exercise Regimen (BADDER)! Remember, bigger doesn't always mean badder!
- Drinking can really put on the pounds. Forget the beer and ale, leave the margaritas alone. Stick to pure, wholesome Dark Flame. It's proven to raise the body temperature by ten degrees, so you sweat those pounds away! That's right - drink LOTS of it!
- Starve those kittens! Leaner meat in those kitten sandwiches means a leaner you! Try fresh veggie garnishes instead of mayo, and thin-slice that bread.
- Use skim milk in your penguin smoothies. Now that Hairplug4men is back where he belongs, we have a ready supply. And skip the whale fat!
- To pare down those upper arms, fill a large tankard to the brim with Dark Flame. Lift, drink, return SLOWLY to the bar, repeat. When empty, refill and do the same using your other arm. In effect, you're killing two puppies with one stone! (See above)
- Now that you've finished all that Dark Flame, it's time for some aerobics! Nothing gets the old heart pumping like drunkenly chasing puppies around the castle! Crawl under those tables! Fall over the chairs! Careen around the corners! Stagger up the stairs! Feel the burn!
- Once you catch one of the little buggers, it's time for your lower body workout. Right leg back, hold it...hold it...hold it...now swing it forward and kick that puppy in half! Chances are you missed since you're seeing double by now, so repeat with the opposite leg. Alternate until you make contact.
- Finally, to target that midsection! By now you'll be collapsed on the floor. Have an exercise buddy stand over you holding another tankard of Dark Flame. Now attempt to sit up and Reach! Reach! Reach! Relax and repeat until (a) your buddy drinks it all himself or (b) you pass out.
Too much work, you say? You lack discipline? You just don't care enough? Don't worry - I think all evil gods and goddesses look pretty darned natty in black hooded capes.
Next week: Send in your questions, or I'll sing again! Mwaahahaha!
Down in the dumps about your home or temple's decor? Send Bellatrixie the Strange (aka Bella Stewart) your questions directly or submit them to any member of the newspaper staff.
Over the Moon
How to play:
We've got games, we've got prizes... we really need a theme song. Suggestions welcome!
This week, we have a crossword puzzle!
- Answer to the Final Question (below) must be submitted via the Harvest Moon Forum. Answer only, please! Don’t give hints to non-WH readers.
- The first god/dess to get the answer right will win four (4) charges and be automatically entered to play in the Over the Moon Championship, held monthly on Palringo (yes, you’ll need to join Pal to play).
- The winner of the OtM Championship (to be based on a different game show each month) will receive 45 charges!!
- 1. Steals experience, damages equipment, or saps godpower
- 2. Keeps hero from getting into skirmishes
- 3. Most evil guild according to Unity
- 4. Made of golden bricks
- 5. Can make bricks
- 6. A town
- 7. Place to receive charges, gold, or XP
- 8. Sowing Sun AG_
- 9. Coaching, 1st rank
- 10. Pet type
- 11. May have the Faithless ability
- Unscramble the eight letters in the red boxes to form a palindrome on “How to be an HM Member.”
Congratulations to last week’s winner: GigglesMcGee ! Giggles will join Artsonian in this month’s OtM Championship. There are two spots left. Who will go up against these two sharp-witted competitors? It could be you! See you in the forum! Good luck!
Famous HM Heroes This Week
|#765 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1004 g.e.
|The Dart - 71st-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “Its got fangs!”, stands at the 29th position in the pantheon of savings under the vigilant supervision of the god Tradwolley . His worst enemy - a Blade Runner. Favorite trophy - something that looks like a blue tooth. He is also a huge fan of Last Resort’s pubs.
|#766 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1005 g.e.
|Agus Maximus - 45th-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, stands at the 179th position in the pantheon of destruction under the vigilant supervision of the god The Amazing Spiderman . He is a huge fan of Los Adminos’s pubs.
|#767 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1006 g.e.
|Zostacular - 60th-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “Don't hate, Zostaculate!☾”, stands at the 134th position in the pantheon of savings under the vigilant supervision of the god Zoson . All she ever wanted was a little love and affection.
|#768 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1007 g.e.
|Atheisthero - 70th-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “Cogito, ergo Deus non est”, stands at the 194th position in the pantheon of mastery under the vigilant supervision of the god AtheistGod . The heroine has no distinctive features to date; however, she promises to get some before her next appearance.
|#769 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1008 g.e.
|ViSM - 79th-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “Requiescat in pace ☾”, stands at the 51st position in the pantheon of templehood under the vigilant supervision of the god ViSM . He is deeply gratified by his place in the pantheon and is not planning to give it up any time soon.
|#770 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1009 g.e.
|Qoi - 51st-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “Seriously, why me!?!”, stands at the 62nd position in the pantheon of survival under the vigilant supervision of the god Oh Great Horror . She thinks that a Thunder Rat slow roasted in its own juices is one of the finest delicacies that Godvillewood has to offer.
|#771 GODVILLE TIMES Day 1010 g.e.
|SkylarB - 61st-level adventurer, member of the “Harvest Moon” guild, with the motto “Beware the pink bunny!☾”, stands at the 94th position in the pantheon of savings under the vigilant supervision of the goddess Anwynn . Rumor has it that a local Cheeseburglar has learned to show the heroine proper respect for some reason.
|Selling Evil Since Day 898 g.e.
|WANTED: Professional sock fluffer to prepare sock for public appearances. Contact HP4M
|Ancient temples discovered near the outskirts of Tradeburg! Gold bricks almost free for a limited time! Call today: 1-866-NOTA-SCAM to reserve some of these bricks before they all disappear! Note: May be slightly corroded.
|Cranky heroes? Call 1-800-IM-MAD for babysitting services! Low, affordable rates and only the best care for your little...squishykins.
|FOR SALE: 2/2.5 in Los Demonos. Planned to use as a retirement home, but can't stop questing.
|WANTED: God or Goddess for abandoned hero. Neutral, but willing to change. Will build temple eventually. Look around milestone 37.
|Does your diary only have ten pages? Upgrade to the new iDiary S3! Note: not compatible with Godville.
Doctor Frank's Advice Corner
|Dear Dr. Frank,
My temple’s solid gold toilet is always so cold! Is there anything I can do to warm it up? Forget tongue on a frozen flagpole. That’s funny. This is serious! Here, I pushed my hero to build the thing and I find myself avoiding spending time here since the far cheaper plumbing at the guild hall and Molotov’s Cocktail Bar is simply more user friendly. Help!
Signed, I want to enjoy my abode but I need a warmer commode
Dearest Chilly Willy,
I can’t believe nobody warned you about this. Then again, it’s not like there’s a temple-decor handbook, and I sincerely doubt your hero is smart enough to have thought of this on his own, so... You have some choices:
- You can try to make your hero reconstruct the toity with a built-in seat warmer. Good luck with that! In my experience, the post-temple hero is almost impossible to wrangle back into construction.
- Ask the kitten shaving members of the HM kitchen staff for the fur and make yourself a seat koozie. If you’re worried about potential sanitary issues, don’t be! At the rate we go through kitten sammiches, there’s always plenty of fur a-flyin’! No need to re-use!
- Force your minion to warm it for you. It was his oversight, make him do the work! A standard hair dryer pointed at the seat for 10-15 minutes should do the trick.
- If all else fails, find yourself a space heater. I understand double dragons aren’t that hard to come by these days. Warning: molten metals may do more damage than frigid ones.
No question is too great or too small! Submit your questions for Doctor Frank-n-furter to any member of the staff. No invites? Send them via email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
|The Harvest Moon Spa is always looking for suggestions for new treatments.
Do you have sensitive skin? Allergies? If you’re itching for exfoliation but afraid to even try the concrete body mask and you’re allergic to dragon scales, we want to help! Are the barmaids at the local tavern talking about a new “thing” you’re just dying to try? While we pride ourselves on being on the cutting edge of spa technologies, we understand that some of you may have special needs or requests. Let us know!