|Description||This Survival guide is extremely useful for your survival. We swear it.|
The Survival guide is a tatty brown book which contains some of the most outrageous survival tips that have ever been written and so it is not worth much more then a normal artifact. Unfortunately this flimsy hardback is extremely brief in it's descriptions, and its entire contents are written below, for your reading pleasure.
The Survival Guide
1. How to find out how many hours of sunlight are left.
- Hold your hand horizontally so that your arm is parallel with the ground.
- Tuck in your thumb, and anything else that's sticking out.
- Hold your hand at the bottom of the sun. Remember to disregard everyone laughing at you for looking foolish now.
- Each hand width is approximately 1 hour of sunlight, unless a total eclipse is occurring at the moment of measurement, in which case it is easier to get hold of an astronomical almanac and simply read out how many hours of sunlight there are left. No, actually, forget all the funny hand gestures business, just do that instead.
2. How to find South. (you'll need an analogue watch for this.)
- Point the hour hand at the sun. Make sure to look directly at the sun while doing this and ignore the resulting warnings from people around you.
- Halfway between the hour hand and the 12 mark on the watch is South, unless you are of course, on an asteroid hurtling through space.
- In daylight savings time, it's halfway between the hour hand and the 1 mark on the assassins head, now directly behind you.
3. SOS in Morse Code (you can use this with a whistle, or a Portable photon generator.)
. . . _ _ _ . . . This means 3 short blasts or flashes, then 3 longer ones, then three shorter ones again. Wait three seconds before doing it again. It would sound like this: beep beep beep, beeeep beeeep beeeep, beep beep beep. You will be answered in 3 blasts from a whistle or 3 flashes from a Portable photon generator.
4. Signal Fires
- These are fires which make a lot of smoke. It is recommended to make a 3 dot triangle of three fires. This must be done while chanting Druidic chants and sacrificing humans to Cruaich. The Clinical strike is best used for this kind of work.
- Now make a relatively large fire, then put pine branches onto the fire, it will create thick smoke.
- You can now put a wicker man full of women and children on the fire and dance round it. This will be sure to alert passing Chinook's to your presence, and when it does, you better hide.
5. Finding East and West during the night or day
During the day the sun rises in the East and sets in the West except on Tuesdays, when it's the opposite way round.
At night the moon tries to copy the sun and rises in the East and sets in the West. Nobody is fooled, grow out of it.