Philosoraptor

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Pets of Godville
Philosoraptor
Velociraptor philosophia
prap.jpg
Class Reptile
Habitat University
Description scaly providers of advice
Pet
Tame at levels 70 and higher
Feature Rideable

The Philosoraptor (Velociraptor philosophia "velociraptor of philosophy") is a tameable monster skilled in the art of mental combat.

History

One hundred years ago, paleontologists unearthed the remains of thirty-seven perfectly preserved Velociraptors. Amazingly, every single one of the bodies were female and pregnant. The scientists then put the bodies in a specially built dragon egg incubator and waited for seven weeks for the eggs to pop out. After the eggs were laid, the incubator heated the eggs and eventually thirty-two Velociraptors were born.

These Velociraptors grew and began causing havoc in Godville. They drank all the beer and ate all the gold coins. Heroes protested and asked the mayor of Godville to do something; the mayor forced the Velociraptors to go to school and get an education.

Miraculously, every single Velociraptor graduated from lower school, attended college, and obtained no less than sixteen different doctorate degrees—all in the fields of philosophy including phenomenology, ethics, epistemology, and existentialism. Many have both studied under and eaten quite a few prominent practitioners of these and others. They soon became the most educated monsters in all of Godville. To distinguish themselves from their uneducated ancestors, they renamed their newly resurrected species "Philosoraptor."

They soon took over entire university philosophy departments and also began multiplying. Within 50 years, they were running entire universities.

Ten years ago, all of the Philosoraptors began a plan to force heroes to think more. They lobbied the Godville congress, campaigned door to door, and spent all their gold coins on television commercials. Their plan was a total failure. Heroes rebelled claiming that they didn't need to think. The mayor of Godville and University presidents sided with the heroes and fired every single Philosoraptor. Since the Philosoraptors spent all their gold coins on the campaign, they ended up homeless.

Today, their hatred for heroes continues. In their minds, they were only trying to help heroes, but heroes are too dumb to even know when they're being helped.

Fighting Style

Prehistoric Velociraptor were extremely skilled in hand-to-hand combat, but Philosoraptors have completely lost those skills.

Instead of using their long claws and sharp teeth to kill heroes, their main fighting strategy involves confusion with strangely modern philosophical questions. While the hero distractedly and helplessly ponders the answer, the Philosoraptor will take its blackboard eraser and try to quietly remove points from hero's health bar.

Common philosophical attack questions Philosoraptors ask heroes include:

  • "If a you drop a gold coin in the forest and you're stomping too loudly, does the coin make a sound?"
  • "Can you not step across the same milestone twice?
  • "What is the meaning of your life?"
  • "Where did you come from?"
  • "How does Teflon stick to the pan?"
  • "Do heroes cry underwater?"
  • "Why do round pizzas come in square boxes?"
  • "What is your favorite color?"

Unfortunately, these ponderings are way over the heads of dimwitted heroes and they often become easy prey.

Neker Cube and Impossible Cube, from Wikipedia
Neker Cube

Philosoraptors have also been known to use the "Neker Maneuver" on heroes. This maneuver first involves asking a deeply thought-provoking question to a hero. While the hero is distracted by the realization that he can actually think about something for more than seven seconds, the Philosoraptor entraps the hero with a Neker cube (which it obtained from Edmund Husserl himself). While entrapped, the hero then overloads its brain trying to determine whether he is inside or outside of the construct. Often a trapped hero will die from starvation simply because he or she is not sufficiently intelligent to walk away.

Attributes

Strengths

  • Extremely intelligent and educated
  • Large claws and sharp teeth
  • Strong dinosaur tough skin

Weaknesses

  • Poor hand-to-hand combat skills
  • Poor vision from reading too many books under bad lighting
  • Speaks endlessly and only in questions
Reptiles
Reptilia
Majora Flowsnake • Moleosaurus • Wraptor
Domestica Ninja Tortoise • Philosoraptor • Thesaurus Rex • Ticking Crocodile
Crocodilia Alarm Croc • Gladigator • Grandfather Croc • Navi-Gator • Punk Croc • Obli-Gator • Seasick Crocodile • Sewer Gator
Ornithodira Bubble Raptor • Doyouthinkhesaurus • Fleasaur • Gangsta Raptor • Orthodontisaur • Pterrific Pterodactyl • Roflraptor • Tea Rex • Tyrannosaurus-Ex
Pantestudines Guilty Plesiosaur • Non Sequiturtle • Predatortoise • Turtle Recall
Squamata Battle Rattlesnake • Colorblind Chameleon • Drain Snake • Karma Chameleon • Lizard of Oz • Lounge Lizard • Mona Lizard • Monty Python • Stand-up Chameleon
Pets
Normal
Ballpoint Penguin • Biowolf • Bipolar Bear • Dreaded Gazebo • Dust Bunny • Firefox • Hyper Lynx • Lightsaber-Toothed Tiger • Ninja Tortoise • Rocky Raccoon • Santa Claws • Satan Claus • Significant Otter • Sun Dog • Talking Donkey • Terror Bull • Vogon Poet
Feature (Ability)
Riding Alpha Centaur • Battlesheep • Dandy lion • Double Dragon • Godvilla • Heffalump • Multi-legged Luggage • Philosoraptor • Prancing Pony • Solar Bear • Stripeless Zebra • Thesaurus Rex • Trojan Horse • Were-Panther
Dungeon Blind Gorgon • Crypt Creeper • Grounded Hog • Gummy Wyrm • Inner Demon • Vengeful Mole
Sailing Battle Toad • Fail Whale • Landshark • OctoBear • Presidential Seal • Ticking Crocodile