Paint a black hole white

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Quests of Godville


Paint a black hole white
Paradoxon Ultimus
An artist's rendition of the art tools used to render art of the art tools...

The adventure to end and begin all adventures, starts and ends from the middle, everywhere and nowhere.

Table of Contents


While the normal quest begins as any other, with your adventuring fool deciding any idea must be an idea worth pursuing; the development of this absurd notion tracks wildly and unpredictably once the initial steps have been forced upon them.

Prior to these steps it is strongly advised that God's refrain from any type of research on singularities, space-time, gravitational forces, quantum mechanics, metaphysics, etc. While informative, such subject material will undoubtedly bring Gods deeper toward the event horizon of their own fragile awareness. And in the current reality your hero|ine should be concentrating on whether you should be looking for latex or enamel paint (not that it matters, as you'll soon read).

As it is, black-white paint of any type will assist in completing the quest. While you may assume a separate quest discovering the true nature of black holes is a pre-requisite your hero|ine will not, and subsequently begin their jovial trek into the void of whimsical uncertainty regardless.

Motivation not withstanding, the goal is straight-forward and can be broken down into the following (simplified) concepts:

  • Pretend to have an understanding--and some type of arcane (or inane) ability to manipulate--black holes
  • Acquire black-white paint. Although it's widely believed any paint will work, even if it isn't paint, as theorized in Stewart's First Attempt
  • Journey in the direction of the nearest black hole, which incidentally parallels the route you normally travel along, as shown on the Map of Godville
  • Apply paint

History and Anecdotal Conjecture


The early Gods, while waiting for mysterious elements of Godville to magically appear, stumbled upon the Operating model of a black hole during the time of the great artifact incursion. [1]

The amusement Gods reveled in, upon discovering the artifact could create quantum anomalies with unpredictable effects, kept them entertained for decades. However, they cared very little for the mechanics and perceived unexplainable phenomenon such as the information-loss paradox as an inconsequential third-dimension concern. That changed abruptly one afternoon, causing an unknown expansion event in Godville to ripple through all possible universes, even resonating throughout the Pantheon. Resident science maker-uppers estimate that during the height of this particular era in history, a single God haphazardly asked

Say... why are all these holes black anyway?
— Unknown God circa ???

The revelation that (one and thus all) Gods were not all-knowing, as evidenced by the booming question, set off a frenzy amongst residents. In order to eliminate any doubt or questions hero|ines may have been culminating into disbelief, the Gods wisely set them all off on a quest to answer the new paradigm question--heard from high above. Sensing the initial confusion and unease, a second (not the same) voice named the quest for the suckers brave volunteers, handing the clever hero|ines with a Big Bang of a clue.

Stewart's First Attempt

Stewart was the first forgotten name in records to assume interpret the cryptic voice thundering the quest's structural-instructional integrity. [2] He (she in some possible universes) posited that in order to answer the God-voiced question of, Why are black holes black? he could prove they didn't need to be black and thus refute the initial premise. This would eliminate the conundrums within black hole physics and the God paradox--ubiquitously displayed by God's(s')grammar clarification needed ignorance at the nature of something they must have created--simultaneously. In fact, his fictional accounting and inconclusive hypotheses testing led to a pupil's innocent yet brilliant supposition:

Why does it half to be just one of the color? I'm gonna make mines ALL the colors!
— 3rd grade elementary student

Stewart either died or disappeared, if he existed at all, not realizing his ambition's success since no progress of this first quest's attempt was recorded. Although initially disregarded as propesterous and pedantic (the color question)--through additional attempts and experimentation--it was observed that hero|ines had begun purchasing both white and black buckets of paint from traders, with the intent of coloring the specific anomalies regarded as black holes. It's debatable whether the buckets of black paint were purchased because the voice was misheard, or whether the tone of the question threw some inattentive hero|ines for a different kind of causal loop.[3] The idea of white buckets was more easily accepted because of the false correlation in the contrasting color-tone analogy. This debate eventually fizzled out when buckets mixed of white and black paint became the popular choice for questing, largely due to the fourth modern art movement.[4]

Halycon Subliminal Alternate Reality GP-4706.22

Tips for completion

  • Disregard lots of sciency stuff, including but not limited to: books, charts, diagrams, jpgs, modern poetry, riddles and hyperbole
  • Drink plenty of vitamin C - if all you have is soluble tablets, make sure the liquid you're mixing it in is no less than 40 proof
  • Avoid other paradoxes while you're questing as this can distract your hero|ine from your primary goal
  • Do NOT waste time reading any type of wiki as this ultimately creates a different causal loop that can't be broken.[5] While you're already too late, clicking the referenced link in the Notes section will simply make it worse
  • Bring a towel


While unverified, it has never been theorized that failing the quest results in a loop of dimensional birth and entropy on a scale of uncountable infinity. Because these dimensions are beyond our perception, we continue a linear existence despite being unnoticeably affected by these forces outside our reality. So while other universes may be imploding and dieing, our observable universe continues. With infinite possible outcomes involving infinite universes our own reality is not exempt from an unpredictable chaos theory milestone, but even in this universe--with all variables outside this reality being unknown--the odds are so remote it led one town drunk to exclaim:

We'll worry about that when it happens to us... and not a moment before OR after.
— Town drunk, while attempting to ride her pet like a horse

Successfull completion of the quest corrects the imbalance in the unsubstantiated resonance between unrealized universes, which starting the quest initiates.[6]

Success usually generates random loot as well:

!Hero's Diary
03:39 AM Hurled over 9000 cans of white paint in the black hole and watched it swirl and turn white. My quest to paint a black hole white has been completed! Got Cavalryman's bracers as a reward. It's time to go and celebrate.


Reading up to this point may have already been a headache inducing waste of time. Reading and exploring any of the referenced source material, along with clicking in-line hypertext links, certainly establishes this eventuality.


  1. While contested in some underground corners, the highest concentration of artifact seeding is generally accepted to have occurred between 0 and 1117 g.e. over incremental spawning waves
  2. Stewart (also Stuart) is widely believed to be a fabled hero invented by the historian responsible for his creation. As it happens, the historian in question was possibly named Stewart but that's impossible to verify because the historian is also fictional [citation not needed]
  3. One anonymous quester stated off the record, "I think it asked, why aren't they black?" Another thought (but didn't state), "I think it asked, why aren't you drinking?" And another simply placed a paper bag over their head while shouting, "I dispute all relative perception of your</> realities!"
  4. See Ancient relic of modern art for less information on modern art
  5. See [Wikipedia Syndrome] for additional information
  6. See [causal loop] for more information