Fool's goldfish

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Last edit: -15 days ago by Frapparition — History

Artifacts of Godville
Fool's goldfish
Fool's goldfish.jpg
Type 🧷Normal
Description Snarky alternative to regular ornamental fish.

A fool’s goldfish is a genetically altered goldfish often owned by April Fools, Beta Jesters, and other trickster monsters. They are intelligent, vocal and crafty, but generally powerless, as their lack of limbs, fangs, venom or really any useful body part at all precludes them from doing anything dangerous.

Some academics argue that the fool’s goldfish should be classified as a monster- however, due to their small size, ease of transportation and relative harmlessness, they are classified as artifacts instead. Other than their frequent verbal complaints at being stashed away in an inventory, they offer little danger to a hero.

Fool’s goldfish have value among fish collecters and people who enjoy being condescended upon by their pets. Some people keep fool’s goldfish for companionship- however, this is not advisable, as their biting sarcasm, constant pessimism and knack for finding people’s emotional weak points can wear down their owner’s self-esteem over a period of years.

Fool’s goldfish can be eaten, but their nutritional value is low. Their screams of agony may also be off-putting to good-oriented heroes.

A fool’s goldfish may offer you riches, power or wishes in exchange for freedom. Do not be taken in. Feral fool’s goldfish are a threat to local wildlife and do not grant wishes. Releasing them into the wild is a misdemeanour under Godville law.

Identifying fool’s goldfish:

How to tell the difference between a fool’s goldfish and a real goldfish:

  • Fool’s goldfish may engage the hero in lengthy conversation. Regular goldfish do not speak.
  • The scales of fool’s goldfish sparkle. Regular goldfish have shiny scales. Bear in mind that black fool’s goldfish do not have sparkly scales and may be difficult to differentiate from real goldfish by sight alone.
  • Fools goldfish may have fine, parallel stripes along the length of their body.
  • Fool’s goldfish may participate in musical numbers.
  • Fool’s goldfish may burst into laughter at others’ misfortune. Regular goldfish are not interested in such japery.
  • Fool’s goldfish are hard, and will shatter rather than splatter when hit with a hammer. Be warned: hitting a fool’s goldfish will damage its resale value. The same warning applies for regular goldfish.

A good way to provoke a recalcitrant fool’s goldfish into revealing itself is by telling jokes with the punchline removed. A fool’s goldfish may be compelled to fill in the missing information. Be warned that particularly clever fool’s goldfish may resist temptation. Tickling a fool’s goldfish can also induce laughter.

Caring for a fool’s goldfish

Fool’s goldfish care is not recommended for the inexperienced, as extended exposure can have harmful consequences on the carer’s mental health. However, the resilient or foolhardy owner may benefit from these tips. Please note that it is illegal to keep fool’s goldfish in Godvillewood, Nothingham and Healiopolis without a license.

A fool’s goldfish can be fed much the same diet as a regular goldfish. To keep a fool’s goldfish’s scales sparkly, pyrite supplements can be purchased at your local pet store. Pyrite supplements are not necessary for the fish’s survival, but will keep it looking good.

Goldfish grow to an appropriate size for their environment- however, 10 gallons (40 litres) of water per fish is recommended to keep them happy and healthy.

Fool’s goldfish should not be placed in tanks with regular goldfish, as they may torment their less-intelligent siblings. Cross-breed goldfish are possible, but rare, and always infertile.

A water filter is necessary to provide a clean, healthy environment. Water changes should also be done frequently.

Fool’s goldfish need mental stimulation. Help provide some by providing toys, an engaging environment, and other fool’s goldfish.

Wearing earplugs may help protect against particularly sardonic goldfish.

A fool’s goldfish’s personality is genetic- it cannot be trained out. Do not punish your goldfish- it will only make it bitter and vindictive. Fool’s goldfish can, however, be trained to perform simple tricks.

Fool’s goldfish can survive a few days without food, so feeding is not always necessary when transporting. However, fool’s goldfish will quickly die if not fully submerged in water. Some heroes choose to store them in their drinking water- the goldfish and the hero will likely not enjoy this, but it won’t kill them.

If you find yourself experiencing increasing self-doubt and cynicism as a result of exposure to a fool’s goldfish, seek therapy immediately, and consider switching to a breed of pet that can’t speak.


While the origins of the first fool’s goldfish are unknown, it was rumoured to have been developed in a lab somewhere south of Trollbridge. They were initially sold as gag gifts for unpopular relatives and friends you want to see less of. Eventually they gained an eager following of their own, both among monsters and humans, who enjoyed their biting sense of humour and chose to keep them as pets.

They first came to the attention of authorities when owners began releasing them into waterways. The fool’s goldfish population quickly exploded and caused great distress to other aquatic species. Government culling initiatives have reduced the problem somewhat, but goldfish outbreaks continue to be a problem, especially in rural areas.