Beerburglar

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SummerWiki 2019: Under Review 🍹

This fresh cocktail by Holy Spirit of Hell (U β€’ C β€’ T)  has entered reviewing process. It will be reviewed by a volunteer editor. Edits are visible in the page history, and feedback to be addressed will be on the talk page (you can tell the author how great it is there, too).

Last edit: 324 days ago by Holy Spirit of Hell — History

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Monsters of Godville
Beerburglar
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Class Humanoid
Habitat Outskirts of towns and settlements
Description Short and sozzled

The Beerburglar (Homo Heros Vocatus) is a humanoid monster, a subspecies of the Common Heroine. Though there is not much outward distinction between the Common Heroine (Homo Heros) and the Beerburglar, it was granted subspecies status due to large differences present in brain structure and overall nervous system[1] and an extra organ present in the Beerburgler that seems to function as an overflow liver [1].The common name Beerburgler was coined in the 2000 g.e. Criminal Affairs Public Report issued by the Godville Secret Police[2] where it was noted that along with the Beer Mugger, a close biological relative of the Beerburglar, an estimated 60% of alcohol related robberies and thefts could be traced back to those two monsters.

Appearance, Identification, and Origin

The Beerburglar. like its cousin the Common Heroine is a humanoid being. It has a slightly short stature with averages heights of 170 cm in the male variety and 150 cm in the female variety, which gives it some feelings of insecurity. [3] It has hair on its head, eyebrows, a nose and a mouth. Two ears, two eyes, two feet, two toes and oftener than not, really sore knees. It is in other words, indistinguishable from any heroine, at least on the basis of a first glance. Beerburglars almost always appear heavily laden with flasks, but again that is no clear sign and could easily be a heroine. It is then, only on behaviour and alimentation that Beerburglars can be identified.

Though it is true that in physical appearance, Beerburglars are practically indistinguishable from heroines, they can still be identified from their behavioral patterns.

The first of this indicators being if the monster is pointing something at you that appears to be not sharp enough to slice, but enough to hack and confer tetanus, and demanding all your booze. Thus, even if this is not a Beerburglar it certainly is a beer burglar and you can be certain of having lighter travels after that.

Another indicator requires more intense scrutiny, for while it is believed that heroines consume only copious amounts of alcohol and nothing else, this statement actually holds true for Beerburglar's. While heroines need actual sustenance, due to the Beerburglar's extra organ, it is also able to extract all necessary nutrients from it's alcohol, even the ones not present in the booze beforehand. If after prolonged observations, you see a being that seems to be a Beerburglar consume no non-alcoholic foods, you be pretty sure that it is a Beerburglar after all.

Lastly, the easiest identifier of a Beerburglar is it yelling "I'm a Beerburglar. Rraaaaaagh!"

Where do these mysterious creatures come from? That is a pretty good question, and if you really want to know, go out into the field and find out yourself. From the relative safety of a laboratory with the comfortingly nonviolent presence of a deceased Beerburglar, Healiopolis's leading minds have come up with the following theories:

Hero Transformation Theory

This theory suggests that Beerburglars are not truly a separate and distinct subspecies of the Common Heroine but actually a corrupted and godless version. This most prevalent of theories regarding the origin of a Beerburglar suggests that Beerburglars were once like any other innocent heroine, content in bashing in monster brains, stealing their gold and artifacts, returning to town and getting their booze the honest way; with the gold scavenged from the corpses of their dead foes. The Beerburglar, by some variable that has not yet been isolated, veered to a new path and cut out the middleman. It would instead ignore the cries of its goddess that called it to complete quests and gain glory by killing enemies, and instead take its beer by thievery. Turning away from their god like this, Beerburglars undergo a mutation brought on by moral degeneration. The lack of benign influence, causes the cells to follow the lead of their master and decide that they too, can do whatever they want, and so they go wild, growing an extra liver so as to welcome more alcohol and going on vacation to the brain, where they cause havoc and instill desires to rob and steal even more as well as to keep the alcohol coming.

Vengeful God Theory

This theory, the more popular among a certain type of intellectuals, places the blame not on the creature itself, but squarely among with the heavens. It states that the Beergurlars are simply the results of another failed attempt to get heroines out of the tavern and onto the road again, seeking more glory. The supposed plan was to take all the booze by force, with the aid of a new minion: the Beerburglar. Taking the basic model of the heroine, the goddesses decided to create one that would be able to take all the alcohol from Godville and down it in one go. This theory supposes that the goddesses never took into account that more beer could be produced and so their plan failed.

Attributes

Strengths

  • Impossible to out-drink
  • Seasoned criminal


Weaknesses

  • Low intelligence
  • Can be easily tempted

References

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Mad Scientist (1345 g.e.). The Common Hero and Subsets Thereof. Society for the Protection of the Monster
  2. ↑ Jane Smith, Chief Analyst of the Godville Secret Police (2000 g.e.). "Criminal Affairs Public Report". Godville Secret Police
  3. ↑ Reality Show Host. (1303 g.e.). "How Tall Are These Monsters? Lets Find Out." Godville Times TV
JanuWiki 2019
Monsters
Lagers Ale-chemist πŸ» Barbeerian πŸ» Beer Cub πŸ» Beer Golem πŸ» Beer Mugger πŸ» Beerburglar πŸ» Beerkat πŸ» Beerserker πŸ» Beerwolf πŸ» Boartender πŸ» Brewpid the Reindeer πŸ» Diet Sprite πŸ» Drinkerella πŸ» Extra Dry Djinn πŸ» Methylated Spiritualist πŸ» Red Bull πŸ» Tea Rex πŸ» Tequila Mockingbird
Tigers Basement Cat πŸ± Bureau-cat πŸ± Fat Cat πŸ± Meowntain Cat πŸ± Neferkitty πŸ± Photocopycat πŸ± Punk Panther πŸ± Weakest Lynx
Bears Bear Minimum
Oh My! Adminotaur πŸ‹οΈ Boozerker πŸ‹οΈ Godbuster πŸ‹οΈ Thug-of-war πŸ‹οΈ Wraptor
Other Articles
Artifacts Bar tab πŸ» Beer-battered beer πŸ» Beer-scented soap πŸ» Bottle of beer from a wall πŸ» Bottle of domesticated beer πŸ» Bottle of holy ale πŸ» Can of ambrosia πŸ» Exclamation pint πŸ» β€œFree beer” ticket πŸ» Instant beer tablet πŸ» Pint of no return πŸ» Strange brew πŸ» Vanishing pint
Equipment Ancient cork πŸ» Awkward paws πŸ» Bear arms πŸ» Beer goggles
Quests Brew a storm in a teacup πŸ» Sit in a tavern and write fake diary entries
Skills Beer belly πŸ» Lion belch
Taverns All Inn πŸ» The Battle Toad πŸ» Caravanserai πŸ» Progress Bar πŸ» The Rumor Mill πŸ» The Sword & Sandal πŸ» The Whinery