From GodWiki
Revision as of 00:26, 8 January 2019 by Holy Spirit of Hell (talk | contribs) (review)
Jump to: navigation, search

Stub sign.png

JanuWiki: Under Review 🍺

This fresh brew by Holy Spirit of Hell (U β€’ C β€’ T)  is being reviewed by a volunteer editor. Edits are visible in the page history, and feedback to be addressed will be on the talk page (you can tell the author how great it is there, too).

Last edit: 46 days ago by Holy Spirit of Hell — History


Picture needed

This article needs one or more pictures to be added to it. To help Godwiki, please consider adding suitable pictures.
Monsters of Godville
Class Humanoid
Habitat Outskirts of towns and settlements
Description Short and sozzled

The Beerburglar (Homo Heros Vocatus) is a humanoid monster, a subspecies of the Common Hero. Though there is not much outward distinction between the Common Hero (Homo Heros) and the Beerburglar, it was granted subspecies status due to large differences present in brain structure and overall nervous system[1] and an extra organ present in the Beerburgler that seems to function as an overflow liver [1].The common name Beerburgler was coined in the 2000 g.e. Criminal Affairs Public Report issued by the Godville Secret Police[2] where it was noted that along with the Beer Mugger, a close biological relative of the Beerburglar, an estimated 60% of alcohol related robberies and thefts could be traced back to those two monsters.

Appearance, Identification, and Origin

The Beerburglar. like its cousin the Common Hero is a humanoid being. It has a slightly short stature with averages heights of 170 cm in the male variety and 150 cm in the female variety, which gives it some feelings of insecurity. [3] It has hair on its head, eyebrows, a nose and a mouth. Two ears, two eyes, two feet, two toes and oftener than not, really sore knees. It is in other words, indistinguishable from any hero, at least on the basis of a first glance. Beerburglars almost always appear heavily laden with flasks, but again that is no clear sign and could easily be a hero. It is then, only on behaviour and alimentation that Beerburglars can be identified.

Though it is true that in physical appearance, Beerburglars are practically indistinguishable from heroes, they can still be identified from their behavioral patterns.

The first of this indicators being if the monster is pointing something at you that appears to be not sharp enough to slice, but enough to hack and confer tetanus, and demanding all your booze. Thus, even if this is not a Beerburglar it certainly is a beer burglar and you can be certain of having lighter travels after that.

Another indicator requires more intense scrutiny, for while it is believed that heroes consume only copious amounts of alcohol and nothing else, this statement actually holds true for Beerburglar's. While heroes need actual sustenance, due to the Beerburglar's extra organ, it is also able to extract all necessary nutrients from it's alcohol, even the ones not present in the booze beforehand. If after prolonged observations, you see a being that seems to be a Beerburglar consume no non-alcoholic foods, you be pretty sure that it is a Beerburglar after all.

Lastly, the easiest identifier of a Beerburglar is it yelling "I'm a Beerburglar. Rraaaaaagh!"

Where do these mysterious creatures come from? That is a pretty good question, and if you really want to know, go out into the field and find out yourself. From the relative safety of a laboratory with the comfortingly nonviolent presence of a deceased Beerburglar, Healiopolis's leading minds have come up with the following theories:

Hero Transformation Theory

This theory suggests that Beerburglars are not truly a separate and distinct subspecies of the Common Hero but actually a corrupted and godless version. This most prevalent of theories regarding the origin of a Beerburglar suggests that Beerburglars were once like any other innocent hero, content in bashing in monster brains, stealing their gold and artifacts, returning to town and getting their booze the honest way; with the gold scavenged from the corpses of their dead foes. The Beerburglar, by some variable that has not yet been isolated, veered to a new path and cut out the middleman. It would instead ignore the cries of its god that called it to complete quests and gain glory by killing enemies, and instead take its beer by thievery. Turning away from their god like this, Beerburglars undergo a mutation brought on by moral degeneration. The lack of benign influence, causes the cells to follow the lead of their master and decide that they too, can do whatever they want, and so they go wild, growing an extra liver so as to welcome more alcohol and going on vacation to the brain, where they cause havoc and instill desires to rob and steal even more as well as to keep the alcohol coming.

Vengeful God Theory

This theory, the more popular among a certain type of intellectuals, places the blame not on the creature itself, but squarely among with the heavens. It states that the Beergurlars are simply the results of another failed attempt to get heroes out of the tavern and onto the road again, seeking more glory. The supposed plan was to take all the booze by force, with the aid of a new minion: the Beerburglar. Taking the basic model of the hero, the gods decided to create one that would be able to take all the alcohol from Godville and down it in one go. This theory supposes that the gods never took into account that more beer could be produced and so their plan failed.



  • Impossible to out-drink
  • Seasoned criminal


  • Low intelligence
  • Can be easily tempted


  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Mad Scientist (1345 g.e.). The Common Hero and Subsets Thereof. Society for the Protection of the Monster
  2. ↑ Jane Smith, Chief Analyst of the Godville Secret Police (2000 g.e.). "Criminal Affairs Public Report". Godville Secret Police
  3. ↑ Reality Show Host. (1303 g.e.). "How Tall Are These Monsters? Lets Find Out." Godville Times TV
JanuWiki 2019
βœ” Complete article β€’ βœ’οΈ Stub β€’ πŸ“· Picture required
Lagers Ale-chemist βœ” πŸ» Barbeerian βœ” πŸ» Beer Cubβœ” πŸ» Beer Golem βœ” πŸ» Beer Mugger βœ” πŸ» Beerburglar βœ” πŸ» Beerkat βœ” πŸ» Beerserker βœ” πŸ» Beerwolf βœ” πŸ» Boartender βœ” πŸ» Brewpid the Reindeer βœ” πŸ» Diet Sprite βœ” πŸ» Drinkerella βœ” πŸ» Extra Dry Djinn βœ” πŸ» Methylated Spiritualist πŸ“· πŸ» Red Bull βœ” πŸ» Tea Rex βœ” πŸ» Tequila Mockingbird βœ”
Tigers Basement Cat βœ” πŸ± Bureau-cat βœ” πŸ± Fat Cat βœ” πŸ± Meowntain Cat βœ” πŸ± Neferkitty βœ” πŸ± Photocopycat βœ” πŸ± Punk Panther βœ” πŸ± Weakest Lynx βœ”
Bears Bear Minimum βœ”
Oh My! Adminotaur βœ” πŸ‹οΈ Boozerker βœ” πŸ‹οΈ Godbuster βœ” πŸ‹οΈ Thug-of-war βœ” πŸ‹οΈ Wraptor βœ”
Other Articles
Artifacts Bar tab βœ” πŸ» Beer-battered beer βœ” πŸ» Beer-scented soap βœ” πŸ» Bottle of beer from a wall βœ” πŸ» Bottle of domesticated beer βœ” πŸ» Bottle of holy ale βœ” πŸ» Can of ambrosia βœ” πŸ» Exclamation pint βœ” πŸ» β€œFree beer” ticket βœ” πŸ» Instant beer tablet βœ” πŸ» Pint of no return βœ” πŸ» Strange brewβœ” πŸ» Vanishing pint πŸ“·
Equipment Ancient cork βœ” πŸ» Awkward paws βœ” πŸ» Bear armsβœ” πŸ» Beer goggles βœ”
Quests Brew a storm in a teacup βœ” πŸ» Sit in a tavern and write fake diary entries βœ”
Skills Beer belly βœ” πŸ» Lion belch βœ”
Taverns All Inn βœ” πŸ» The Battle Toad βœ” πŸ» Caravanserai βœ” πŸ» Progress Bar βœ” πŸ» The Rumor Mill βœ” πŸ» The Sword & Sandal βœ” πŸ» The Whinery βœ”