Vogon Poet

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Pets of Godville
Vogon Poet
Class: Alien
Natural Habitat: The Office
Description: Disfigured diplomats from another planet
Death Rattle: Oh freddled gruntbuggly...
Tameable at levels: 24-38

The Vogon Poet (Vogonus poeta "poet of vogon") is a tamable monster highly skilled in the art of lethal poetry.

The Vogons are an alien race from the planet Vogsphere. They are slug-like but vaguely humanoid, are bulkier than humans, and have green skin. Vogons are described as mindlessly bureaucratic, aggressive, having "as much sex appeal as a road accident" and the writers of "the third worst poetry in the universe". They are employed as the galactic government's bureaucrats.

« They are one of the most unpleasant races in the Galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry at you.
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

A selected group of Vogon poets routinely visit Godville to ensure compliance with galactic law. Fortunately, they have never found a violation since nobody in Godville has ever created a giant weapon of mass destruction, chaos, and pain capable of obliterating an entire planet, or anything like that. Therefore, the Vogons do not need to fill out the required (and rather lengthy) 154-A form in triplicate. This leaves the Vogons with plenty of free time to spend in Godville. While they could fill out the 258-B form to schedule an earlier flight back to Vogsphere, they instead choose to pass their time reciting poetry to passing heroes. Naturally, the heroes take offense to this vile prose and often get into fights with the visiting aliens. Precisely 94.3% of the time, a hero will win a fight with a Vogon Poet and occasionally has the unmitigated stupidity to adopt it as a pet. Scholars have theorized that these heroes have deficient tympanic membranes. Since Vogons don't care about each other, nobody on their home planet does anything about this.

« Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience members died of internal hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council, survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos is reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve-book epic entitled My Favorite Bathtime Gurgles when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilization, leaped straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England, in the destruction of the planet Earth.
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy


  • Poetry is positively lethal
  • Possess planet destroying weapons
  • Wears strong protective armour


  • Moves slowly
  • Not particularly intelligent or tactical
  • Weak anatomical structure