Vamplifier

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Monsters of Godville
Vamplifier
Necromis supermaximus
Menagerie.png
Class Undead
Habitat Ego-preening therapy sessions.
Description Vampire, writ large.

The Vamplifier (Necromis supermaximus) is enormous. Its ego is even larger. Need we say more?


General Information

Once nearly driven to extinction by really-big-game hunters, the Vamplifier (Necromis supermaximus) has recently been removed from the "protected" list and been declared a seminal come-back success.[1] This is of course partially due to the efforts and sacrifices[2] of monsters' rights activists, but mostly due to the the Vamplifiers themselves: in the way of corporations and professional wrestlers everywhere, the Vamplifiers and their egos were "too big to fail."

The Vamplifier undeath cycle begins with an average-sized human or monster corpse that has been drained of all vamplifier-nutritive content through a bite on the lower back or the inside of the biceps. Location of the bite is very important; while Vamplifiers have risen from bites to the face, neck, hand, and foot, creatures with visible bites are usually scrawnier than their colleagues with concealable bites, for reasons that will become clear.

This average corpse regains a semblance of life within approximately 12 hours after initial expiration, typically rises to its feet or paws, and immediately moves to cover any bitemarks and put its hair or fur back in order. [3] It immediately sets about hunting, both for someone to compliment it, and for something to eat, and if both of those things should come in the same package, all the better.

The first meal is a formative event for the new Vamplifier, in every sense of the word. It usually goes something like this:

New Vamplifier: (Holding nail- or claw-savaged prey and about to bite.)

Prey: "Why? Why are you doing this to me?!"

New Vamplifier: (Tearing up.) "Because now I'm dead and I've got this big hole in me, and nobody thinks I'm pretty or smart or on my way to greatness, anymore!"[4]

Prey: "But-- but-but--- but I think you're pretty!"

New Vamplifier: (Sniffling.) "You do?"

Prey: "Yes! Yes, very much! You're gorgeous! And I doubt that anyone will ever notice that you're dead, because you're so stunning. Also, you make very clever conversation!"

New Vamplifier: "Huh." (Chomps down.)

Prey: "Ahhh! AHHH!!! WHY?!"

New Vamplifier: (Muffled, maybe slurping.) "I'm hungry."

Shortly after feeding, the Vamplifier begins to grow. How tall and wide it grows depends on the size of the meal and the effusiveness of the compliment. "Er, well, I'm sure you have a great personality," results in very little growth, and usually only in the vertical direction. "But you're radiant! You're practically a god!" results in the Vamplifier doubling or tripling in height and girth.[5] For any growth to happen, though, both the compliment and the entree must be consumed; if the prey compliments the Vamplifier and escapes, no growth occurs, and if the prey is consumed with no compliment given by the unfortunate or the unfortunate's companion, no growth occurs.[6]

After that first meal, the Vamplifier transitions to its middle stage of development by becoming slightly more omnivorous in the compliments it needs as nourishment. Many a Vamplifier situated in this intermediate stage has been recorded as saying, "I'm fabulous, and you're just too jealous to admit it." Seemingly, this attitude allows the Vamplifier to take an unenthused comment or even an insult as complimentary to itself. It should be noted that lower-quality compliments, even of the sort that the Vamplifier can delude itself into consuming, still result in less growth for Vamplifier, but the growth in this stage is proportional in all height, girth, and ego directions. The Vamplifier proceeds in this stage until it is approximately the size of a temple.

Upon reaching building-equivalent stature, the Vamplifier's dietary tolerances again expand. This mature stage eats its prey by the handful, and does not stop to listen to or argue with the unlucky creatures. That would interfere with its broadcast of its undeath-sustaining media stream of food pictures, political commentary, make-up tips, game reviews, and celebrity gossip, after all. Because, at this stage, all the Vamplifier needs is attention. Compliments and comments are good nourishment, like a dose of vitamin C++, but the fact that it has an audience for its diatribes and vanity behaviors is what grows its ego continuously as it focuses on physical dining. And with the terror it wreaks among the edible populace, it will have that audience.

Scientists from the Lostway Academy speculate that the full development of a Vamplifier would result in its consuming Godville, the sun, and nearby stars until it collapsed into a self-indulgent singularity, all the time congratulating itself on being the brightest star in the firmament, but heroes and heroines have a tendency of killing the creatures finally before that can happen. [7]


Combat Recommendations

While some heroes and heroines have been known to deliberately die to Vamplifiers in order to ensure their deities resurrect them in brand new bodies with completely working parts, this is by far the least fraction. Most will enter combat in earnest, even if only because the air getting thick with a Vamplifier's ego is especially hard on a sobering brain.

A mature Vamplifier has a very clear weakness in its reliance on a stage, a camera, or a bullhorn for use in sharing its opinions and demonstrations with the masses. Li'l Red of the Caravanserai gave her sage advice, "Take this down first. Deep-six it. Pronto." This won't completely end the source of the monster's ego food, but it will greatly diminish it so that the creature's growth rate will slow tremendously. It's much easier to cram garlic and swords somewhere painful if that part isn't constantly rising out of reach.

An intermediate Vamplifier is a little less easy to kill because it remains more nimble and slightly less self-fixated than the mature stage. If possible, determine where the turning bite is, expose the bite, and laugh heartily to weaken this undead thing. Proceed to stake it to the wall with a stick of dynamite, if this made it despondent instead of angry. If it got angry, just run.

A new Vamplifier is as dangerous as any moody teen, were that teen equipped with atomic-weaponized angst and an insatiable thirst for blood. It's probably better to give it a sacrifice and deal with an intermediate version instead.


Attributes

Strengths

  • Mature phase doesn't care what anybody thinks.
  • Seems to come with an innate understanding of social media.
  • Lethal skill: Mike Drop. [8]

Weaknesses

  • Occasional fatal attraction to memes and other mind-viruses.
  • Incapable of platform agnosticism.


Footnotes

  1. "Oh, god, why did we ever think these things needed help? They're everywhere! They're out-competing even the invasive species!" -- Nigel Hornsworthy of the Godville Society for Protection of the Monster
  2. These sacrifices were frequently literal, so much so that the GVSPM has published a funeral and memorial service specific to the loss of personnel to preservation of the Vamplifier. See page 92 of Masses, Services, and Words of Comfort for Those Who Fought and Those Left Behind, Anville Press. Anville 2498 g.e.
  3. This initial phase of vamplifier development was initially misidentified as an entirely different species (now defunct) called a "vanity-pire" on account of its overwhelming insecurity, desire to look impeccable, and signature small ego.
  4. It does not appear to matter that the Vamplifier has met nobody else between rising and the first meal, this certainty that everybody already despises it is just something it "knows."
  5. Presently we have no explanation for how the clothing grows with the Vamplifier. This question is under study by cryptozoologists across the face of Godville
  6. It is possible that an insult applied at this stage will kill the Vamplifier instead of growing it, but so far nobody has chosen to be both that brave and that self-sacrificial for the advancement of knowledge.
  7. "Thank god!" --Nigel Hornsworthy.
  8. All Michaels, Micheles, and Mickeys should use particular caution.


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