The Untold Chronicles of Mount Godvilleus
Written by: The Goddess: Malise
Her Hero: The...male: Claudio Valentine
Why in Godville did she write it here: She ran out of space for her hero's Chronicles
Why did Claudio Valentine let her: Malise is a hot goddess, don't judge said male. Malise agrees about her level of hotness. Tee~hee (>.0)
Why you're here: You either came here through a magical portal we refer to as: "The Computer Link on Claudio Valentine's Chronicles"
You, for some unGODDESSly reason, you were curious enough to stumble through the looking glass/wardrobe/phone booth/fireplace/train station 4 and 3/4 and whatever else you can stumble through in fantasy movie slash book metaphor...where was I going with this? (You clicked on this on "Godwiki")
For whichever reason: ENJOY!
For those who somehow got here through "other-worldly" means: Here's the rest of the Chronicles!!!
You know what the Force compels thee to do:
- Translated from a Purposefully Burnt Sheet of Parchment*
Malise, I have little to no intention of returning to Godvilleus, home of the wayward gods. You should know this, as we loved each other once. Having said this, you should also realize that after my recent exile from there, I have not prayed to the gods or asked anything of them since my betrayal. I barely have the heart to write to you, my love, so greatly has this damaged my faith in the Divine. Sensing your weakness due to lack of worship as of late, I find you are in a time of need. The once great temples dedicated in your honor have all but been destroyed by those who no longer believe. I propose this, my dear...a prophet. I have not the slightest disbelief that you have watched over me from the heavens since I left, I am afraid you will also be forced to see me die a mortal. I am your last follower, Milady, and it is true that I +was+ your last hope. As I mentioned before, I have served you till the last. I fear I fall asleep only to meet death there, and I will not enclose my location so you may not resurrect me, this is the last you shall ever hear of me. The world will forget me as the name of Rowan the Great falls to oblivion. On a cheerier note, I grew up past the lovesick lad I once was, in fact, my maturity allowed me to leave for a different purpose, I have a son. I believe I fathered him when I was in your service as a hero, do not be jealous, it was around the time you were dating Zeus. Anyways, don't you see? This boy, albeit simpleminded, shall carry his mother's clan name of Valentine along with my own birthname of Claudio. This boy, Milady, is to be your champion. Although, knowing your pride, you will not tell him so, this boy is to be a savior of your dying religion of Malise. And, knowing my pleasure seeking, he will love you as much as I had. Go easy on his fragile heart, he is your prophet, after all. I have left the little warrior in what is, I'm afraid, the only one of your temples left standing. Worry not, I'm sure Claudio can restore it to its former glory in time.
A dying man, once known as Rowan the Great
About twenty years later: A Hero is Grown Up ... Mostly
- The 1st few days of my miserly existence*
Where to begin? I was updating my dating profile in ye old Book in the town of Face and trying to draw a profile picture where I DIDN'T look scrawny and pale when I managed to find HER. Yep, Malise was -gorgeous-, -beautiful-, -talented-, -tall-, -perfect-, -forgiving,- -loving, --enjoys- -long -walks on the corpses of fallen monsters- ...a goddess (cough and apparently an egotistical pen thief) So, naturally, I showed on her doorstep and tried to arrange a blind date. Yeah, it ended badly, she had to stab me with my own weapon to keep me from poking her eyes out. Being an all-around good deity, she healed me afterwards. And it turns out she was into "charity cases". I had no idea what she meant, so I obviously agreed. And so, our beautiful relationship began. She doesn't want to admit it, but she's totally in love with me...she makes me prove my love every day by making me go on these quests and fight monsters is all.... But I could have it worse, some guys have to spend money on their girls, and who'd be stupid enough to do THAT?! (I mean, just look at the price of beer these days!) Pfft, I'm good with our one-way, diary entry partnership with her occassionally ordering me around from the heavens. I mean, we're practically married!
P.S. MALISE : Yes, I specifically told him we WOULD get married one day...(yea, right after he builds me that solid gold brick temple)
P.S. PART II CLAUDIO : about 2 bricks and counting...
P.S. PART III MALISE : Oh, how I want to punish you, but then you'd turn evil...and you're terror enough already
P.S. PART *WHATEVER FOUR IS IN ROMAN NUMERALS* CLAUDIO : Cause right now my status is "gentle" babe, and we both know what I mean by "gentle"
Malise has, for unknown reasons, left me to write this in oh so painful solitude...(but she did mention something about me never reaching the level of "virtuous" for my last comment alone)
- A little bit past that time and much closer to now*
Malise is speaking to me again (huzzah!) Mainly because my status changed from "gentle" to "kind". I do love our little chats...
23:18 Opened my diary to read 'PRAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Hmm, I don't remember writing that...
23:18 Almighty, was that you speaking to me just now? I'm so excited that I need two exclamation points!!
I mean sometimes we hit our relationship bumps...usually over beer:
23:16 Pondered how worshipping my Lady is different from being drunk. Both give me a headache, but getting drunk is so much more pleasant.
But during true tests, I try my best to stay faithful!
23:12: While I was resting under a tree, a wood nymph suggested we 'get dirty'. So why did she leave after I jumped in the mud?
side note : about 30 gold bricks and counting...
A word from my deity : 31 gold bricks, ok NOW I'm worried... (what worries me is he's only a month old and wants to marry me.) WHAT, 32 GOLD BRICKS?! (I didn't think he'd make it past three...)
My rebuttal : ...and many more ;)
- I'm taking over, so Hand Over that Pile of Worthless Idiocy You Call a Diary *rest of chapter title censored* : Malise*
When I informed my sweetest little minion I was taking over, his face got really excited and he agreed. Clearly, he had misinterpreted my meaning, as always, into something of me and him getting together. So, I told him to "get ready" by waiting for me in the bathroom, then locked him in there. Never going to happen till the day he dies...and he somehow isn't resurrected. Today, my minion actually won an arena battle, it might have had something to do with the fact that his opponent winked at me pre-duel. I would have gone against my rules of being all "pure and innocent goddess of fortune" and killed him myself, if it weren't for this :
06:22 Opponent was blinded by the sun. Claudio helped out by poking opponent in his eyes.
So eye trouble caused that weird winking gesture, that makes me feel less bad for not healing him afterwards.
And when my little boy won, that made me feel all fuzzy and warm inside...Now I know what my hero feels like when he's drunk. He'll have to pray a hangover doesn't follow this feeling or I'll never let him out of the bathroom...
- I'm back : Claudio*
When I broke the lock with my holy grenade launcher, I walked right up to Milady and the first words that popped out of my mouth were, "I'm ready..."
What happened next....?
We made cookies!
- Oh my Goddess!*
Need I mention further how beautiful my goddess is? Well, here's a visual...her black hair falls in waves over perfectly angled shoulders, and I can spend hours focusing upon her ivory skin which literally shimmers under any light. Defined eyes the color of ambrosia can capture my own so well, I melt in them as I stand before her. And her lips, the palest most innocent pink imaginable part to lovingly croon the words, "Get the godville out of my house you stalker!"
I wave to her halfheartedly as she closes the door on me, leaning on the doorframe as I did when we first met. I sigh dreamily and back away slowly when I notice a shadowy figure lurking in Milady's topiary. (Which I gave as a gift to her yesterday by taking an overgrown bush and hacking at it with my weapon.) I take the same weapon used in love and knock the trespasser upside the head. It turns and rises to its full height a good building above me, and its ugliness dawns upon me.
"You're a Godville Admin?"
Oh...."FOR MALISE!" I raise my weapon to put an end to its misery when stars shoot toward me and it all..... goes....
L A C K.
- Narrator's monotonous voice ringing down from the heavens:
When we last saw our hero,
Drunken Heckler: Shut up!
... he had just gotten killed by a Godville Admin...
DH: Good job, moron!
Claudio Valentine continues to (in yet another futile attempt) try to impress his stunning goddess, who he has fallen in extreme "like" with.
DH: +Whistles+* I'd totally be with that, cause she is DIVINE.
His goddess is Malise, who is literally out of his league...being a goddess. Valentine tries to impress her by killing said Godville Admin. He fails, and guess who comes to greet him at his "re-birhday party"?
Life after death, not enjoying it. The only thing getting me through this is the thought of Malise performing some divine CPR or something to resurrect me.
I blink, dazed, and stare at the feminine form before me incredulously, "That's it? Just whoosh, no mini-skirt grim reaper costume or a s3xy halo and wing set?"
"Wouldn't an angel wear a dress too?"
"Not in my fantasy..." It went black again after she slapped me back into the afterlife.
"In hopes you don't die again, I'm making resurrection as painful as possible. You're in a temple."
"So? You plan on slapping me or something? If so, bring it on!" I wiggle my eyebrows.
She appears confused, then disgusted, "No...ew. No!" She claps me solemnly on the back, "The punishment is, we're located a whole mile away from the nearest bar."
"Claudio, what are you doing?"
I'm facedown, spread-eagle, +"How can you be so cruel?"+
- Unwanted Attention*
12:58: +What is wrong with all these monsters? Why does my pain give them such delight?!?+
"What are you doing reading my diary? Gah! That's private!"
I shoo a giggling Malise out of the room, her fingers stained with ink. Ink? Oh goddess! I rush over to my desk to read:
+Hmph, serves you right. Truth...you've the same mindset as the monsters, if you're evolved enough to understand my implication, that is. You thoughtless little hedonist.+
I anxiously skim the pages, intent upon finding any other mischief.
"Where is it..."
And then it dawns on me. That witch hexed my journal! I throw it into the fire, the pages cannot set alight, I pick the hellish thing back up and set it next to my shield and weapon. I soon discover that the curse placed upon it shrouds my past entries in an unholy mist. I can only decipher the last ten entries using great care and holding the pages to a flame. My heart sinks, the work of a lifetime has been lost in one night. Does she suspect now I will have nothing to live for save for being her mindless slave?!
More emphasis on slave than mindless!?
__I'll get her back for this.__
- A serious turn*
"How could you do this to me?!" Her face is streaked with tears, I find it comforting to know even gods cry as we mortals so often do.
"I +didn't,+" I state coolly, "blame your misfortune on the powers that be."
"You turned me into a monster!"
"What a funny accusation, if you were a monster, you would be slain for sake of my having been the slayer."
She scoffs in a cynical way that unnerves me. Malise swipes at her reddened nose and peers at me from where she lies in the middle of the dirt road, "Enlighten me, dimwitted one, how would you state my current condition? Weak, vulnerable, a mere plaything of the higher gods?"
"I think it's cute, and anyways, all those attributes will serve you well now that you're one of us." I offer her a hand, "Come dear, you will get used to it in time."
"Never!" She wails, "I am a filthy +mortal!+"
Gods! I never wanted all this, the revenge I had planned was just an innocent love potion! Never trust an infomercial sorceress...
"And you did this all as revenge for my ruining your accursed journal! My immortality for a cheap diary?"
It's as if her stating the fact has made it truer than it was before, as if it is now a solid thing that serves a darker purpose. The question now lies in what there is left for me to believe in. This madness began only this morning, with a destined visit to a wayward apothecary's shop...
- From Leechcraft to Witchcraft: The "Apothecary" in Fortuna*
It was called the town of Fortune, a title quite ironic considering the misfortune that took place there. It was a town unmarked, neither on signs nor map. That, in itself, should have served as adequate warning. Unfortunately, it wasn't. At least, not enough to deter me, the pigheaded adventurer. My journal was still hexed, and I left off writing in it for fear of losing even more of my traveling memories. I wrapped the little burden in an oil cloth and stuck it in my deep pockets, the pockets being near empty now after a visit to the trader's, and so I left my cursed diary at that.
I was wounded recently and there were no magical healing trees in sight. At this rate, I might actually have to spend my money on a room above the local tavern. I shudder, spending money in an inn would be... +useful.+ I did +not+ want to travel down that metaphorical path of careful thinking, it went against my vows. Instead, ambling further, I found a hut, and from that hut was an endlessly smoking chimney. Placed in front of the smoking chimney was a smoking, wrinkled hag. In front of the pipe-smoking hag was a smoking pig... on a spit. It vaguely reminded me of a smoking related matryoshka doll.
"I know what you seek," rasped the hag, "you need a heart."
Eyeing the pig, I held my hands in front of my chest to loudly object, "Actually, I'm good."
She banged her cane against the wood of her cabin, "I don't mean the pig's heart, I meant another's! Malise's..."
I took my weapon and held it to her throat, "How'd you know about her?"
She grinned, yellow teeth protruding from rotting gums, "You look so much like your idiotic father.. Rowan the Great, was it? He believed in Malise too."
"Nonsense! I was born of the sky and rain, I had no father." My voice cracked, the words tasted sour, like denial.
"Believe what you will," she cackled, "after all, you still believe in that goddess of yours. But you do more than believe, don't you?" My cheeks burned with shame, she plowed onward, "You love her, hopelessly."
My head sunk on my chest, I pulled my hood forwards but she caught my chin with her talons, "Not so, though, not so." She gave me a glass vial, its contents shimmering within, "Have her take this tonight with her drink and she'll be +just like you.+" She sniffed and I believe she added something like, "Not that that's necessarily a good thing..."
I pulled my hood back to get a better view of her, but it had all vanished. The hut, the stuffed pig, the woman, and even the town... Gone as if none of it had ever existed. All that was left was the vial. A love potion. A curse.
"But it's wrong if she doesn't love me for real, isn't it?"
Thunder broke the sky as if the gods agreed with me. Good thing somebody does.
I push my hands into my pockets, and at the very bottom is... A letter? I pull it out, squinting at the fading ink. No, not just any letter. It's from my "father", Sir Rowan the Great. A dead man.
- Once Upon a Time, there was a Love Enchantment*
"Darling, I bring gifts."
I perk up at the sound as a child might upon the return of a loved one, "My Lady?" I begin, cautious after the journal incident, "Did you fare well?"
"Oh dearest fool, I'm always fair and always well, need I say more?"
I laugh, leaning over her as she kneels next to the hearth, removing a package from her wine red cloak. Curious, I inquire as to what such a package may contain.
"Your gift, my righteous pawn, for sake of you raising your reputation to righteousness."
"But +what+ is it?"
She answers this mysteriously, "Ti's what your heart most desires."
Marriage to Malise!
By that point, the gift has been shed of its wrappings, within I find...a collar, "Whoa, chill babe, I don't play like this."
"What, you didn't understand the last reference I put in your diary? Ugh, sadists..." She smacks the back of my head, "The collar isn't for you, it's purpose is towards your dust bunny, Sparky."
At first, I have an internal war between saying AWWW for the bunny part or EWWW for the dust. Turns out, dust bunny is just a misleading name for a lizard resembling a bunny. A hyper dinosaur bunny.
I grin sourly, somewhat disappointed that Malise shows more affection towards this hideous pet rather than me. I smile to myself inwardly though, holding a vial of a magic powder that would change Malise's perception of me once and for all. After this, I'll deal with my dead father, but only after I quench my heart's desire. By the end of this night, the sorceress specifically told me that my goddess would be +just like me...+ At that point, I assumed that only meant she would love me as I loved her, just like she said. Oh how I was wrong. So terribly wrong. But that cannot be where I pause my story, I need push forward so all will know exactly what happened.