The Schwartz is a weapon able to harness the all-powerful non-copy written alternative parody version of the Force. The Force, err, I mean The Schwartz, controls everything in the universe. It is the mystical energy that flows through everything and calling it The Schwartz won't result in a lawsuit from Lucasfilm for intellectual property theft.
The Schwartz generates a lightsaber, err, I mean a lightBEAM of about one meter. This lightsaber, ugh, I mean lightBEAM, can cut through various monster parts and makes for a rather useful steak knife.
The Schwartz comes in a variety of colors including yellow, green, red, and white.
| Stop trying to find the biggest The Schwartz, they're all the same size for crying out loud!
Some Poor Shopkeeper to a Hero