The Garlic 5

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Previous Week's Issue Issue #5    g.e. 950 Next Week's Issue   

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Area Man Tired of Heroes Dirtying Up the Fountain of Youth

Bumchester--Local man Jeffery Jones, 32, is sick and tired of cleaning up the fountain of youth.

"It's really nasty. Every day, I see heroes bathing in the fountain, using the soap of premature aging, and then leaving." Said Jones. "You can practically develop film in it, it's so polluted. I'd rather grow old than drink that putrid sludge."

Many years ago, people used to drink the nourishing water from the fountain of youth. It is said that the water reduced wrinkles, helped with glaucoma, and invigorated facial skin. Today, nobody goes anywhere near it except for filthy heroes. People in nearby homes also speak of a glowing fluorescent green film that forms at night. Some have even reported seeing orange rats run across the surface.

Jones plans to request his senator to submit legislation banning bathing in public.


Garlic5b.jpg Level 12 God is Sick and Tired of Higher Level Gods Say 'Losing 7,000 Gold Coins is no Big Deal'

Milestone 128--Level 12 God Small-Potatoes has had it up to her ears with the nonchalant attitude other gods have toward their coins.

Recently, she overheard two gods laughing at how their hero just wasted 7,287 coins on beer and dates.

You have extra coins? Give them to me, my hero needs them for bricks, she only has 15!

Further requests for gold coins when unanswered.


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Even Free Pina Coladas Can't Lure Crowds to the Arena to Watch Two Level 11 Heroes Fight.

Godville--A risky marketing ploy has turned into a financial fiasco for the Arena Marketing Authority today.

Members of the Godville Senate Sub-Committee on Tickling are questioning whether it was prudent for the Arena to spend 1,000,000 gold coins on "Free Pina Colada Day" at the arena.

Last Friday was supposed to be an epic sold out event at the Arena. The marketing department planned to give out free pina coladas to the first 4 million people through the gate. It purchased a billion coconuts, hired extra staff, and advertised so hard you wanna slap yo' mama.

To their dismay, only two heroes show up to fight and they were both lowly level 11.

"It was sad" said one usher. "I've never seen two heroes try so hard to slap each other with wet noodles, well, that's what I could have said yesterday if I showed up to work."

Neither "Death by snu snu" nor "Peek-a-boo" could give the fight a scintilla of entertainment.

If case you're wondering (which we really know you're not), both heroes knocked each other out and the match was declared a draw.


God Really Upset Nobody Else Puts Hotlinks in Their Forum Posts

Deville--Technical coding has never been a strength of any forum. While most gods can accept bad spelling, no hotlinks really get God Kitten9 perturbed.

"You want me to go to the link? Make it clickable! How difficult is it? The code is right there on the page posting page. Just put quotes around the words, put a colon, then the link." Said Kitten9.

Kitten9 has placed instructions on adding hotlinks to virtually every page she's seen that needed links. To date, not a single person has followed her instructions.


Garlic5d.jpg http://reddit.com/r/Godville is Still a Ghost Town and Nobody is Doing Anything About It

Herolympus--The much anticipated opening of Godville Reddit has been met with absolutely no fan fair at all. This reporter attempted to get comments about the site, but couldn't find a single god who was concerned.

Among the heavens, Reddit is considered by many to be "the most awesomest site evAr." Yet, no one visits it, or at least, very few care to post comments.

"Hopefully, this news article will promote Godville Reddit and will spur at least one god to leave a comment." Said a kind god. "But if no one does, I won't lose any sleep."


Garlic5e.jpg "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start" Voice Command Fails Again

Milestone 273--For the seventeenth time today, hero Lance Beanie has seen the words "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start" appear.

"What the heck does that mean" Said Beanie. "It is some sort of code? I really wish my God was a bit less cryptic in his messages."

Beanie has also see the message, "give me 30 free charges" about five times, but like the other message, Beanie has no idea what that means.

Lately, he's been completely ignoring the messages and not even giving any response at all.


God Contemplates What to Do With 1 Charge

Trollbridge--God NoSpending is contemplating what to do with one charge. His hero currently has an alchemical transmuter and five bold items, but no godpower. He does though have one accumulator charge left. If he activates it though, he won't have any charges at all left.

If he does active the charge, he could potentially give his hero five gold bricks.


Update: NoSpending is still thinking of what to do.

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The Garlic is a newspaper published by BlueStapler once a week for 5 weeks only. Well, except for this one which was published super late because, well, we forgot to go to work--all week for a few weeks. Oh yeah, last issue was late too. Please ignore the man behind the curtain. The Garlic documents only the super important events in Godville. If you like this, please rate BlueStapler's Chronicles as 5 stars. If you hate this, please think about how BlueStapler has no life, and then feel bad for rating his Chronicles as 1 star. Then think again whether his chronicles are really worth 1 star, then at least mark it 3 stars. Come one, this whole thing has got to be worth at least three stars, right? Well, this is the last issue so rate his Chronicles as 5 stars. just because you're happy this is over. Comments, suggestions, contributions, letters to the editor, and hate mail may be submitted to The Garlic's forum thread.