The Garlic 4

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Previous Week's Issue Issue #4    g.e. 943 Next Week's Issue   

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Breaking News: Nurse is Looking Hella Fine Today

Tradeburg--Two members of the Please Date Me Guild sat in the hospital waiting for treatment when they noticed that nurse Flo Daylightingale was looking particularly beautiful.

"Wow, I didn't notice her inspiring features, her flowing hair, and her porcelain skin until now" said one hero to the other.

"Yeah, when did she start looking so hella fine?" Said the other.

Both heroes attempted to ask Flo out on a date, but were painfully injected.


Essence of Awesomeness Should be Renamed 'Essence of Kinda   Ok-ness,' Hero Claims

Milestone 323--While fighting a prancing pony, hero Lumbar472 began feeling a bit sluggish. Aside from missing a leg and two gushing wounds in his stomach, he began to consider whether 7 hp were enough to withstand another blow.

And then he remembered the essence of awesomeness in this back pocket.

"I poured the 'essence of awesomeness' on me hoping it would make me, well, awesome, but I didn't feel much more awesomeness. Rather, I felt a little more ok. It restored about 100 hp, but my health was still in the red." He said

"They should really rename it 'Essence of Kinda Ok-ness. Awesomeness is totally false advertising."

According to a spokesperson for the manufacture, Awesome Possum, the essence of awesomeness is manufactured to strict standards and is guaranteed to make anyone more awesome. If a particular user doesn’t feel awesome after taking an essence of awesomeness, its because they're probably epicly unawesome and should take three or four more doses.

Lumbar472 is current looking for an attorney to represent him in a "epic class action lawsuit."


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Hero Realizes He Should Have Picked Up that Golden Brick He Saw on the Ground Last Week

Godville--Lying in barn attempting to fall asleep, hero Elesos stood up in pure revelation realizing that the golden brick he saw on the side of the road last week could have added to his temple.

"I saw the brick there, pushed it aside, and picked up a cracker jack prize. It never occurred to me that I should also pick up the brick and add it to my temple." He said. "Thank god it only took me a week to realize it."

Elesos plans to check the area again when he walks by tomorrow.

"Oh yeah, I saw it about ten steps from milestone 43." He added.

Hopefully, no one picks up the brick before he gets back there.


The Garlic Named Fourth Best Publication in All of Godville

Godville--The prestigious Academy of Newspaper Publications has honored The Garlic with the fourth place award in the categories of presentation, short feature writing, and overall excellence in journalism.

"This such a great honor for our little newspaper." Said publisher BlueStapler. "I'd like to acknowledge that the other two publications, Godville Times and Weekly Harvest, are excellent sources of information. To be the fourth best newspaper in a land where there are only three newspapers is a great honor. This award is totally going on my facebook page."

The Garlic is currently soliciting bids for a trophy case.

BlueStapler hopes to receive the fifth place award next year.


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The Re-election of the Mayor of Last Resort: Four More Years of the Same Ole' Dodo

Last Resort--In a stunning come from behind election win, the Mayor of Last Resort was reelected in a total landslide of 1 vote to nothing. Political pundits took to the airways in complete at utter shock, "I cannot believe he won by that many votes" and "It's absolutely, completely improbable!"

For nearly two years before the election, the Mayor trailed his main rival by 0% to 100%. Polls by the Godville Times, Razzamusen, and Giddyup all predicted that the Mayor's main rival planned to vote so they also expected a 0% to 100% landslide.

"Oh its gonna be a bloodbath," the Mayor's main rival stated two days before the election.

The Office of Elections was also completely prepared for a runoff and had preprinted runoff ballots in the event that one other person would vote. The Supreme Court cleared its calendar in anticipation of weeks and weeks of oral arguments alleging voter fraud and hanging chads.

Then, at 9:08 p.m. the final results of the election were announced: Mayor of Last Resort received 1 vote and his main rival received none. A dramatic 100% to 0% win.

"I humbly accept reelection and will make it the top priority in my administration to work for the people." The Mayor-elect said. "I will strive to reduce taxes, protect the environment, and help the little man."

Following his victory speech, the Mayor returned to sitting on his favorite beach chair and began sipping his seventy-fifth margarita of the week.


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Hero is Only One in the Bar Without Icarus Wings, Again

Trollbridge--Shortly after hero 1AmMe walked into the Raging Pub to buy a beer, he noticed that he was the only one not wearing Icarus wings.

"It was weird" he said, "At first, I thought I walked into a chicken coup considering all the feathers flying around."

Since their introduction, Icarus Wings have experienced extremely high customer satisfaction ratings. It also handily won the "Equipment of the Year Award" for 2012 and not a single hero has returned them.

Despite this popularity, some heroes refuse to purchase the popular equipment just because they don’t want to look like a human chicken . . . or everyone else.

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The Garlic is a newspaper published by BlueStapler once a week for 5 weeks only. Well, except for this one which was published late because, well, we forgot to go to work--all week. It documents only the super important events in Godville. If you like this, please rate BlueStapler's Chronicles as 5 stars. If you hate this, please think about how BlueStapler has no life, and then feel bad for rating his Chronicles as 1 star. Then think again whether his chronicles are really worth 1 star, then at least mark it 3 stars. Come one, this whole thing has got to be worth at least three stars, right? Comments, suggestions, contributions, letters to the editor, and hate mail may be submitted to The Garlic's forum thread.