The Garlic 2

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Previous Week's Issue Issue #2    g.e. 929 Next Week's Issue   

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Hero Fed-Up that Her God is Such a Miserly Cheapskate

Milestone 87--Missing both arms, half a leg, and sitting in a puddle of her own blood, hero Jen Misty heard a voice from the heavens: "heal heal heal heal heal heal heal heal heal."

"Are you freakin' kidding me?" she yelled back, "What do you think I'm trying to do, wash my contact lenses? Would it be too much to ask for a ray of healing sunshine?!?!?!?! How about raining a little zen?!!? Can you magically make my wounds close?!?!"

Jen Misty's god Mysterios29 is, according to her, the biggest miser in all the heavens. "When he runs out of godpower, that's it; don't expect a recharge. Just don't."

One time, Jen Misty had ten bold artifacts plus two alchemical transmuters. Her god could have easily activated an alchemical transmuter to convert some of the bold artifacts into gold bricks, but instead, the ants on the ground formed a message: "activate the alchemical transmuter and turn those bold items into bricks."

"Seriously?"

Another time, Mysterios29 sent her to the arena, but sent only one voice command, "pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray." As expected her opponent won with ease.

"Is it really too much to ask for a recharge every now and then? A charge costs like, what, 25 cents? How about you not super-size that diet coke for lunch and spend a little money on me? I bet if you were missing an arm and bleeding like a leaking Kool-Aid cup, you'd appreciate me spending a coin or two to heal you a bit. Can I ask for the same?" She said.

Messages left on Mysterios29's phone were not returned.


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Hero Protests ‘Premature Level-Up’

Milestone 3--Upon opening a box with a question mark, hero Tacitus received a scroll with instructions on how to achieve a premature level up. Tacitus though, is protesting the level up saying "I refused to read the instructions so I can't be awarded a level up."

Unfortunately, the Godville Leveling Bureau has decided that Tacitus will level up if he likes it or not.

"This isn't fair" Tacitus said. "It is my constitutional right to not level up."

Legal experts disagree, "There's nothing in the Godville constitution preventing level-ups. In fact, Godville doesn't even have a constitution."

Experts have commented that heroes protesting level ups have increased in the past four months. Those heroes claim that premature leveling robs them of precious time to improve their skills and purchase better equipment. This ultimately leaves them at a disadvantage in the arena.

The Director of the Godville Leveling Bureau did not return messages left at her office.


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‘I Proclaim Myself Self #1 in All Three Secret Pantheons,’ says Hero

Milestone 324--After witnessing her god creating three miracles in one day, hero Dainty Flower declared herself as the #1 ranking in all three secret pantheons.

The secret pantheons refer to the three pantheons in the Russian-language Godville that are not tracked here. The three pantheons are the Pantheon of Support (which god has given the most money), the Pantheon of Sublimity (which god has recently created the most miracles), and the Pantheon of Rivalries (based on recent arena performance).

"It feels so great to be at the top of three pantheons. I worked so hard. I bet everyone is going to be so jealous of me."

Dainty Flower told her god to give $14 to Godville and she recently won three arena fights in a row. With the three recent miracles, she claims "there's no way I can't be #1 in all three of them. Also, seeing that no one else is claiming those titles, it may as well be me."

To date, no one has disputed Dainty Flower's claims. To date, no one cares who sits at #1 of any pantheons that may not even exist.


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God Just Can’t Understand Why Nobody Likes His Ideabox Submissions

Herolympus--God TyingHarder has made over one-hundred submissions to the ideabox, but not one has received more than a dozen yes votes.

"I just don't get it." He said, "All of the ideas were really funny. I read the 'how to make your idea fail in the Idea box' thread and I haven't been doing any of that. I even ran some of the ideas by my guild mates and they all thought they were hilarious."


So far, TryingHarder has received a few submissions with twelve yes votes and one with twenty yes votes, but it got twelve "dupes" so it died.



Accolades for a Completed Temple "Even Better" than God Expected

Godville--As God HurdWrkr witnessed the words of "completed temple" display across her phone, tears of joy flowed down her face. "It was the greatest moment in my Godville career," she said.

What she didn't expect was the amount of accolades she would receive from her guild mates. As soon as the temple was complete, she posted a message in Guild Council saying "I just finished my temple!!"

Mere seconds later, her guild mates posted messages of congratulations. "I expected to get 17, maybe 20, congratulations. But after I counted all of them, they amounted to 22!" HurdWrkr said. "The number of congratulations was even better than I had expected. "

"It just warms my heart that everyone is so supportive. I really couldn't have done this without them." She added

And the best message "Congratulations. You are now one of the cool kids."

"I've always wanted to be one of the cool kids." HurdWrkr said. "I'm glad it only took me 13 months."


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Middle-Aged Man Spends Time Dressing Up as a Hero, but Really Isn't One

Anville--By day, Sam Jones, 46, is a mild mannered accountant. He sits in an office and counts coconuts 8 hours a day. You could say he lives a rather mundane life five days of the week.

On Saturday though, he comes alive and dresses up as a hero to attend so-called hero-fairs, events where people dress up as hero and reenact glorious battles of the past.

I have an authentic pair of Icarus wings and a sword processor. I once had a piece of strontium but I traded it to learn the palm of the panda combat skill. I guess you could say I'm a level 1."

His wife just accept him. "It brings such joy to him, I can't tell him to stop." His kids though, think it's really awesome

At the premier of Godville the Musical, Jones dressed up as hero and posed for pictures. "It was the greatest day of my life." Said Jones.

His favorite time of the year is Hero-Con where he dresses up as his favorite hero and has spirited discussions of Godville's most powerful heroes. "As soon as I get home, a countdown to next year's Hero-Con goes up on my wall. I'm excited just thinking about it."

So far, he's spend over 100,000 gold coins on equipment and visiting every milestone. He's also making a replica temple in his backyard out of wood and tin foil. He also has autographed swords owned by a level 68 hero and dirt from the arena.

Last year, he's tried working on his beer drinking, but his doctor told him to tone it down.


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Hero Can't Remember What It's Like Not Having Icarus Wings

Anville--Hero Daedalus has been wearing her Icarus wings for so long that she can't remember what she did before them.

Daedalus first purchased her Icarus Wings more than a year ago and has been wearing them ever since. She once saw a dashing pair of golden fingers, but decided against buying them.

Three months ago, her Icarus Wings were looking rather decrepit, but a miracle from her god magically healed all the holes, straightened the feathers, and mended the leather. "I guess I'll be keeping these for a bit longer." She said.

Daedalus has grown accustomed to the feathers constantly scraping against the bushes and getting in the way ALL THE TIME. "Now I walk sideways in small alleys."

Despite seeing many fancier and better arms equipment, Daedalus has no plans on getting rid of her Icarus Wings.


God Still Can’t Figure Out How to Tell Everyone He Earned the Invincible First Achievement Without Sounding Like a Total Douche Bag.

Los Demonos--Upon winning his tenth consecutive fight, god OtherRealm58 stood up in glory as he saw "Invincible 1st" magnificently appear on his hero's page.

"It was awesome! I worked so hard for this, sacrificed so many nights, and really put in the blood, sweat and tears." He said.

A few months ago, OtherRealm58 won nine consecutive fights only to be defeated when the other god had the audacity to use a miracle late in the match. "I was sooooo close." He described.

OtherRealm58 appealed the fight outcome, but the authorities just filed his appeal under T for "trash."

Weeks after that, he climbed his way back to nine wins and last Wednesday, he managed to win his tenth fight in a row and patted himself on the back.

Shortly after the win, he typed out a short message to his Guild Council saying "Guess who just earned 'Invincible 1st' achievement? THIS GUY!!", but quickly realized it made him look like a total douche bag so he didn't post it. He then wrote another message that sounded equally douchey then declined to send that message.

Now, OtherRealm58 stares at his phone thinking, how the heck can I brag about this without out sounding like a total prick?

Nobody knows.


Letters to the Editor:

Note: this week we only got one letter to the editor.

Dear BlueStapler,

Hating the premiere issue of The Garlic. This thing totally sucks. You have no sense of humor. This not funny at all and not worth the high cotton fiber archival paper I printed it on. It isn't worth the frame I put it in or the nail I used to hang the frame either. I rated your chronicles 1 star and then I rated it 1star again. I'm going to rate it 1 star tomorrow too and I'm only going to read the next four issues. I hope you die.

Disgrunt13d Danno, South Central Los Adminos


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The Garlic is a newspaper published by BlueStapler once a week for 5 weeks only. It documents only the super important events in Godville. If you like this, please rate BlueStapler's Chronicles as 5 stars. If you hate this, please think about how BlueStapler has no life, and then feel bad for rating his Chronicles as 2 stars. Comments, suggestions, contributions, letters to the editor, and hate mail may be submitted to The Garlic's forum thread. Still formatted for printing on 8.5" x 11" paper.