The Garlic

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Issue #1    g.e. 922 Next Week's Issue   



Hero Proud of Being the Best-Looking Person at Milestone 43 for 124 whole seconds.

Milestone 43—After handsome hero Wexy77 left milestone 43, hero Wilber Red proudly stood at milestone 43 for over two minutes confidently knowing that he was the best looking person at that location.

“It was great feeling knowing that no other heroes there could even come close to my outstanding superficiality.” He said. “I even got a few glances from four female heroes and a wink from a pretty fine Invisible pink unicorn. Is there an achievement for this?“

Wilber Red’s reign of handsomeness was abruptly ended when hero Ravishing Randal stumbled by.


Pet Knocks Himself Out Trying to Get a Different Master. Gets Healed. Again.

Dogville--Solar Bear Nessie, the long time pet of hero Big Sparx has just been healed for the seventh time thwarting yet another attempt to be set free so he could have a different master.

Last Thursday, Nessie threw himself in front of a bipolar bear knocking himself out for the seventh time in as many weeks. His frequent daring saves were thinly veiled attempts to turn into a zombie pet and hopefully be set free. When asked the reasoning for this reckless behavior Nessie stated “Have you seen Big Sparx? Have you smelled him? He totally cramps my style and is an utter bore.”

Big Sparx did not return messages left at his temple.

Hero Claims that Spending 9,544 Coins on Beer is Worthy of Only 2 Lightning Bolts, not 3.

Bumchester—Hero Werd Up is claiming that he was overly punished by his lord for spending too many coins on beer.

“I spent 9,544 gold coins on beer at this pub and then received three lightning bolts to my rear end as soon as I stepped outside.” He said. “Three? Ca’mon! 9,544 gold coins is clearly worthy of only two lightning bolts.”

Or at least Werd Up thinks he was hit with three lightning bolts, witnesses are not quite sure.

Werd Up plans to file an official grievance with the Godville Administrator “first thing tomorrow morning.”


Factory Worker in San Satanos Can’t Believe the Rubbish Items She Assembles are Actually Considered Artifacts

San Satanos—Factory worker Wei Chu works 16 hours a day producing items so mundane and useless that she can’t believe heroes consider them artifacts.

“Look at this, why would anyone want a Dried-out marker?” She asked, “more importantly, how is this worth 27 gold coins?”

Chu has worked as a plastic injector for seventeen years and makes two gold coins a day. She can barely feed her family and often wonders what heroes do with the junk she makes and why the two day old items are “artifacts." Something must be at least a year old to be an artifact, right?”

“It’s so wasteful. I don’t even want this junk. These items aren’t artifacts, they’re trash.” She said. “It’s even more shocking that heroes risk their lives to win this rubbish from monsters. I hope they don’t expect a refund.”

Local Hero Realizes That Retirement Just Ain’t Gonna Happen

Beerburgh—After three months of enjoying a completed temple, hero Jeffy Sire has finally concluded that he’s never going to retire. He sat down with a pen and paper and calculated that to save 30,000,000 gold coins at the rate he’s saving is going to take more days than he can calculate.

“I tried to figure out how long it will take to save my coins, but this paper is just too darn small,” he said. “I think I gave up when the number of days reached 7,000 or something like that.”

Jeffy Sire then promptly headed to the The Drunken Clam to spend his hard earn gold coins on a easy-to-drink beer.


The Garlic is a newspaper published by BlueStapler once a week for 5 weeks only. It documents only the really important events in Godville. If you like this, please rate BlueStapler's Chronicles as 5 stars. If you hate this, please think about how BlueStapler has no life, and rate his Chronicles as 5 stars anyway. Comments, suggestions, contributions, letters to the editor, and hate mail may be submitted to The Garlic's forum thread. In case you're wondering, yes, the format has been created to print nicely on 8.5" x 11" paper.