The Adventures of Jelcin
Welcome all Ye Who Traveled (either on purpose, or by accident) to this page. Here I (the god Meldra) will be chronicling my Hero Jelcin's Adventures. They can also be viewed in my Hero's Chronicles, but his stories are long. Once I finished a few sections, I will take it off his chronicles and post it here, leaving more room for the upcoming section. My take on my hero is that while some heros are born normal and grow up and learn before their god chooses them, others are created (of heroing age) strictly for their god but not quite as educated. I apologize that the early sections, he does not write very clearly, or convey his thoughts clearly, but as his travels progress, so will his ability to write and his grammar. These are the stories of Jelcin learning to read and write properly as he blunders through life. Let me know what you think, and if you like it, vote it up on my chronicles.
P.S. I would like to thanks Gods Raindropstop, LisaAlexandria and Epiq Kaos for being my sounding board, and helping me edit the story as I came up with ideas, as well as letting me use their Heroes in my story. You Rock! I'd also like to thank Gods Nexus, LHR Bad Karma, Gordianus, Almighty Wallace, The Octagon, and Aurlord for allowing me use of their Heroes to be used in Jelcin's Chronicles. THANK YOU!
That being said. I hope you enjoy...
Chapter 1- The Beginnings
Hello?! This wurking? Wait bemay furgot ink… Jelcin rummages through his knapsack and pulls out a jar filled with water. He taps on the glass and the small squid inside gets scared and inks. He then dips his writing stick into the jar. Ah muhc, gooder!! So mE came lived many a days ago, but me dog Meldra did ‘not skill me to raed and writ. me no ned tOe learn writ for time, since me majik: jurnal writd for Em!!!!!! Then me fidn guiLd nam”ed the Lea-gue of Adjun ctic ators. eM dint now two many s of guild, but tehn me meatad thEm on me adventurs!?$ They soooooooo nice dan help em learn writ!!? Big wurds lots hrad, but me b try.
Shoot. Very Bummed. So Me Very Produ Of Me 1rst Jurnal So Me Show It To Guild. They Laghed. Alot. Me Got Sad. But After Laghed They Gave Me Tips. Like Big Leters Go In Front, Not Midle. And Sentunces End With . Not ! Or ?. They Helped Me With Spell Ing And Made Me Writ 1rst Jurnal Gooder So Not Embarass Dem. They Not Fix All Me Misteaks. Me Need To Learn On Own. Hear It Iz.
Hello. This Wurking. Wait Maybe Furgot Ink. Ah Much Gooder. So Me Came Alive Many Days Ago. But Me God Meldra Did Not Skill Me To Read And Writ. Me No Need To Learn To Writ For Long Time, Since Me Magik Jurnal Writ For Me. Then Me Find Guild Named League Of Adjuncticators. That Iz Big Wurd. They Helpd Me Writ It Sinze It So Big Me Didnt Know Too Manys Peeple Of Guild. But Me Met Them On Me Adventurs. They Soo Nice And Help Me Learn Writ Ing. Big Wurds Lots Hard. But Me Try.
Sucsess. Guild Liked 2cond Entry. They Gave Us Free Beer To Celabrate. Great Party. Me Met Nice Gurl Vessa At Party. She Told Me She Can Spoons Bend. Me Dint Bleve Her. She Did It! Me Wuz Amaze D. Begged Her To Show Me How… Me thunk She Did. But Was Very Drunk On Free Beer. Do Not Member. Wut Me Do Member Iz That Later, Found A Spork. Maybe Me Can Bend It Like Vessa. Tri Ed For Manys Hour But Did Not Bend. Did It Soo Long I Gots Hunger Ed. Then Member Ed That Earlier Kill Ed A Fires Fox And Got Sum Unicorn Meetballs. Me Pull Ed Them Out And Spork Ed One. It Wuz Not Good. Cold And Gross. Maybe If It Hot It Be Yummy. But How. Then Boo Me Pet Yawn Ed. Boo!! He Brethe Fire! “Boo, Fire My Meetball!” He Did Not. Had To Tell Him 3 Time B4 He Did. Almost Burn Ed My Hand. But It Wurk Ed. Meetball Hot… But So Wuz Spork! Shov Ed It In Me Mouth Fasty. TOO Hot. Ow Ow. Swal Low! It Sharp! Wut? Look Ed At Spork But It Head Not There. Swal Low. Not Going… Gl… “Boo. Help. Chok Ing!” Boo Not Help. Just Look At Me. Stu Pid Boo. “B…glug!” Fell Down No Breathe. By By World. Meldra Relive Me Soon.
But No… Wake Up To A Dryer Gnome Kiss Ing Me. Ewww. “Are you ok buddy?” It Say. Throat Hot And Sore So Just Nod. Why Monster Nice To Me. Maybe He Want Kill Me His Self… No He Look Concern Ed. He Offer Hand To Help Me Up. Me Take It But Dis Asster Strike. Almost Up Balunce Change And Fall On Him. He So Dryer He Bust Into Pieces! Even God Jurnal Writ Abut It.
18:43: Ooops! I broke the Dryer Gnome. After carefully trying to put it back together, I seemed to have a pointy WIZZARD hat and 33 gold coins left over. Pocketed them.
Oh No! Me look Boo. He On Floor Lagh Ing. He No Help… Wut Do I Do? Gnome Wuz Nice… Must Help! But How?
4. Boo Iz Stu Pid
A Guild Mate Show Me How To Make Titlez. U Like? Me Do. Speci Ally Cuz Boo Iz Stu… “Rwawrr?” Boo growled quizzically. Jelcin looks sternly at him. “No Boo You Stay. You Bad.” Boo huffs, looks at him sadly and lays down.
Boo Not Help Me When Chok Ing So Put Cone Of Shame On Him And Make Him Sit In My Unfinish Ed Temple In Da Corner.
Then Took A Santa Claws Bag And… Me Know What You Will Say, I Uzed It. But Did Not. I Put All Pieces From Dryer Gnome In It And Carry Back To Temple. I Put 293 Gold Pieces In Meldraz Offer Ing Plate And Pray Ed For My God To Relive The Dryer Gnome Like Meldra Does Me. This Is Meldraz Answer…
21:05: Suddenly dozens of cherubs appeared and performed an air ballet that formed the words, ‘I can only resurrect you. Find someone else to do it.’
Oh Great Now Wut!?
5- Boo Readeem His Self.
Me Did Not Like The . After The Number So Try New Stuff Until Me Find Some Ting Me Like. Also Me Friend Vessa Tell Dat When Using Ing Or Ed, They No Have Space Tween Dem. Yay Me Learned! Jelcin looks over to his temple. “Boo Where Iz U? Boo Ur Still In Time Out!” He checked every inch of his incomplete temple and no Boo.
Oh Grate. Boo Gone. Right When Me Get Idea To Relive Gnome. He Prolly Mad. First Get Gnome Relived Den Maybe Gnome Help Me Look Boo. Me Grate Idea Iz 2 Ask Priests To Relive Him Like They Relive Pets! Take Dryer Gnome Santa Claws Bag To Non Demon In Ational Temple. Knock On Door. Old Priest Answer. “Helo. Me Name Jelcin. Need Favor. Can You Relive Me Friend.” The priest looks at Jelcin like he has three heads for a minute until he interprets this crazy hero’s speech. Then the priest smiles. Me Open Santa Claws Bag And Show Him Dryer Gnome Bits.
“Is this your pet?” Sayz Da Priest. “We only resurrect pets.”
“Umm.. N…” Me Look Round. Still No See Boo. “Yes Iz Me Pet, Boo-Gle. Yes Iz Boogle.”
“Well in that case, we can definitely do it.” Priest Talk. Me Much Happy. Get Xcited And Start Hand Bag Of Gnome 2 Priest. He Dont Take Bag Right A Way. “But first…” He Look In Bag. “To resurrect Boogle, you must give us a donation of 3150 Gold Pieces.” Oh No… Me Look In Gold Pouch. Me Only Have 33 Gold Me Got From Gnome… Me Used All Moneys Bying Beer Before Free Beer Party At Guild.
“Umm, Me No Have It…” B4 I Stop Talking Priest Shut Door In Face. Me Sad. Stu Pid Priest. Now Wut…
“Did I hear you say you need your pet resurrected?” Someone Say. Me Look Up. See A Snake Oil Salesman Come Close. Me Nod Slowly. “Boy are you lucky for today, and today only, I have some Resurrection Oil on sale for 33 gold. 100% guaranteed to bring your pet back from the dead.” Me Get Xcited.”All you need to do is dump this into your bag and BAM your pet will be up and about in no time!” Wut Luck! All Me Have Iz 33 Gold! Me Pull Out Pouch And Gunna Give Over Gold When Me Hears Big Growl From Some Wheres. Me Turn Look And Salesman Takes Me Pouch And Start 2 Run. Den Boo Jump Out And Stop Him.
12:59 Boo barked loudly and charged the enemy. The Snake Oil Salesman desperately fought back, but my bipolar bear is a pretty tough opponent.
Boo Bite And Claw Salesman Ded. He Got Me Gold Back!! Me Runs And Hugs Boo. “Boo, U R De Best! U Not In Time Out No More!” Boo Lick Face And Me Lagh. Happy Not Long Though Member Still Need… Wut Priest Say… Rezzurect Dryer Gnome. Now Where Try?
6~ Beer Help Fix Problems
Me And Boo Went Back To Temple 2 Think. Sit On Steps Sad And Thinking When Feel Hand On Shoulder. Look up And See Me Friend Lamplighter Looking At Me. “Jelcin, you ok there? You Look sad,” He Say.
“Me Very Sad.” Me Xplain Him Whole Story. He Nod And Say Stuff Here And Dere, But Listen 4 Whole Story. At End, Lamplighter Smile And Say, “Whenever I have troubles, do you know what helps? Beer. Whenever I’m down, a beer helps clear the problem up, and makes me feel better. Pete the Popular and I are headed to the tavern now. You should come.” He Open Hand To Help Me Up.
“Why Nots Me Got Xtra Gold from Dead Salesman.” Me Look At Gnome In Bag, “He Not Going Nowhere N E Way. Boo Stay Here Watch Gnome. Make Sure No One Take Him. Me Bring You Beer When Come Back.” Boo Rawrs happily, then picks up the Santa Claws bag in his teeth and brings it into the front lobby of Meldra’s temple, curls around it and goes to sleep. “Ok Lamplighter Let Get Beer!” Me Take Him Hand And We Head To Tavern…
Several hours of heavy drinking later… “And you woke up to the monster kissing you!?” Pete the Popular Lagh As Beer Come Out Him Nose. “If I woke up to that,” He Stand Up And Pull Him Sword Out And Wave Drunk, “I would have parted its head from its body!” He Cut Air With Sword Then Lose Balunce And Fall Over. I Lagh And Spill Beer. Poor Beer. Lamplighter Try 2 Help Pete, But He Lose Balunce Too And Fall Over, On Top Of Pete. They Lagh On Floor.
“See, That What Happen Next! He Try Help Me And I Lose Balunce And Fall On Him! He Was Dryer So Broke Ez! Now Me Want Relive Him See Why He Help Me! I Thaught Monsters Wuz All Bad.” Me Try 2 Xplain. Me Wave Arms When Talk, And Wave Dem Too Much. Fall Over Next To Guys And We Lagh Alot. Tavern Guys Come Over Pick Us Up And Take Us Outside Say, “Looks like you guys had way too much to drink. Head home and sleep it off…” After We Lagh More, Them Say By Then Go Back Home. That Wuz Fun, Time Go Home. I Start Home, Then Some Bald Guy Stop Me.
“I overheard you talking to your friends… Are you really looking to Resurrect a Dryer Gnome?” He Ask. I Nod. My Brain Move With Nod, Make Head Hurt. “When you are sober… come see my boss… Here’s his card.” He Hand Me Card Then Dis Appears Into Shadows.
Dr. Gordianus Evil Genius And Master Revivicator of the Dead.
Yay New Lead. Me Guess Beer Does Solve Problems!... Cept For Stu Pid Head Hurt… Must Get Back To Temple… Sleep…
7* What Da!?
Nudge “No Ma Me Sleeping” Poke “I Put Ear Muffs On Kitten” Shove “I Ate Me Sour Skittles…” Boo looks at the sleeping Hero and huffs. Then He leans in and licks Jelcin’s Face, adding extra slobber “Huh? What? Eww. I AM UP!” Me Sit Up And Face All Wet. Boo Look At Me, And Look Like He Cleaning Tongue. Maybe He Taste Sumding Gross. And Why Me Face Wet? Me Look Up, Me Laying In Temple… 4Got Still No Have Roof. That Xplains It. Rain. Boo pushes his water dish towards Jelcin, then looks at his Master while licking his lips. Oh No. Me No Have Beer For Boo. Carp. Let Me Check Pockets. Oh Yay! Me Find Half Bottle Of Beer I Put In Pocket 2 Save Four Later. He Pours it into Boo’s Dish. Boo Laps it up eagerly. Boo Looks Bigger… Jelcin looks around the temple. There is Blood and Ripped Clothes everywhere. Wut Happen?! Let Me Check My God Jurnal. Maybe That Tell Me…
22:30: My wily bipolar bear jumped on the monster from behind. The Penultimate Samurai obviously didn’t expect such a cunning move from my pet.
22:33: My brave Boo nimbly jumped on the monster’s head. The enemy became disoriented and flailed its arms wildly, trying to figure out what the heck was happening.
22:36: Boo glowed and his eyes sparkled. It seems that my brute just achieved a new level.
Me Guess I Miss Stuff When Me Drink. Yay Boo! “Wait! Boo Where Dryer Gnome?!” Boo Look Up With Beer Beard And Rawr Happly. He Get Up And Walk To Closet. I Open Door. Santa Claws Bag Not Harmed Sit There. Oh Good. Wait Wut Happen Last Night? BALD Guy! Yes He Said He Help Rezzurect Gnome! Me Pull Out Card.
Dr. Gordianus Evil Genius And Master Revivicator of the Dead.
Hmmm No Place. Wunder Where To Go. I Flip Card Over. Writ On Back Iz Wait on the first bridge outside of Trollbridge. We will get you. I Look At Bag. Soon Dryer Gnome, U Be Live Again. Must Get Ready To Go. Get Supplies.
7.5) Just Uh Note Jelcin posted near collection plate in his temple
Deer Followurs. I Iz Going On Jurny. Epic Jurny. If Not Back In Few Dayz, DO NOT I Repeat DO NOT Call Local Author Ities. I Iz Uh Hero After All. I Will Fight Any Obsticle In Way And Return. Whatever U Do, DO NOT Come Look Four Me Near Bridge Outside Troll Bridge. Will Come Back Might Y Hero.
7.5.2- What Jelcin missed while he was getting drunk at the Tavern.
“Hey, Remember Fellas, Dr. G said the dead Dryer Gnome was in Meldra’s Temple… Some Hero has been moaning about it for a few days. Dr. G needs the Gnome to complete his work… Let’s get in and out… quietly. We don’t want to attract attention…” Gus whispered to the group. Everyone nodded and pulled on their masks…
Sniff sniff Something isn’t right. Boo lifts his head for a better angle. Uh Oh, We got company! Boo quickly bites the bag, drags it over to the closet and tosses it in. He paws the door closed as the front door window is shattered. Only five of them? No Sweat… Time for some fun!
8~ Enter Lions Den
Bored. Very Bored. Been Waiting At Bridge Day And Half And Nuthin. So Take Time To Writ In Jurnal. Few Dayz Ago, Before I Get Drunk, Pete the Popular Tell Me About I And Me. He Tell Me They Mean Same Ting. That Why I Been Using I Alot. Also Decided That I Like Using ~ In Titlez. Fancy… A Nother Ting I Learned Wuz… Boo growls menacingly. Jelcin looks up to see two Giant Trolls appear under the bridge. The trolls spot Jelcin and Boo and start walking straight towards them. “Quiet Boo…” Me Whisper And Hold Hand Out To Stop Boo. “Wait And See What They Want.”
Trolls Big And Scary. Do Not Show Fear, Or They Eat Ur Eyeballs While You Live. “YOU JELCIN?” One Bellow. Me Stand Up Straight And Nod Once. “BEAR STAYS HERE.”
Me Look Him Straight in Eye And With All Brave I Have I Say, “No Boo My Pet He Go With Me. Always.” Troll Look Little Suprised And A Mused. He Whisper To Udder Troll. They Discuss.
Troll Turn Back, “FINE BUT IF HE GETS OUT OF LINE…” He Smile. Lots Of Sharp Teeth. He Pull Sharp Bone Out Of Pocket And Pick Teef With It. I Dun Want Boo Eated. Me Look At Boo. He Shake And Look Scared. But Our Eyes Meet And He Sit Up Straight And Get Brave. He Nod To Me. I Smile At Troll. He Lick Teef And Lagh. Other Troll Lagh 2 Then Pull Black Masks From Behind. “PUT THESE ON. THEN WE’LL TAKE YOU TO SEE DR. G.”
Me Shrug, Call Boo Over And Careful Put It On His Head. Then I Put One On My Head And Put Hand On Boo Shoulder. “Let Us Go. Save Dryer Gnome.”
9~ The Dr.’s Lair
Aftur Walking In Total Darkness 4 Ever We Finally Stop. Me Hear Water Trickle From Somewhere And It Feel Damp Were We Are. Boos Muscles Tight Under Fur. He Nervous Like Me. Big Hands Grab Mask And Pull Off Head. I Look Round. Troll Pull Boo Mask Off Too.
Jelcin looks around. They are in a giant cave. They are standing on the smooth carved floor of the cave and the ceiling stretches high into the air, giving it an almost cathedral-like atmosphere. Wooden walkways span the cavern, crisscrossing almost five stories high. The whole cavern is lit by a stream of lava flowing in a spiral chute carved around the sides of the cavern and running midway across the floor ending in a large lava pool in the center of the cavern. Many monsters are walking around, purposefully doing their jobs. There are a few stunningly gorgeous women wearing tight uniforms that seem to be overseeing the other monsters and making sure they are doing their jobs. Suddenly a loud whirring noise fills the room and platform descends from the ceiling. All activity in the room stops and everyone turns to watch it come down. As it gets closer, Jelcin notices that there is a man standing on the platform. This man has light brown hair, thinning on top, with a bad comb over. He has thick rimmed glasses, and a scar running from the left side of his lower lip down to his chin. He its wearing a fancy all black suit. He smiles and opens his arms, as if saying, all this is mine.
Without Rea Lizing, Me Mouth Open And Me Say, “Whoa, Now Dats Uh Bond Villain!” Me Dun Know What Bond Villain Iz, God, Did U Influnce Me?
10~ Dryer Gnome Relives!
Da Platform Land On Ground And He Step Off. “Welcome to my humble…” Boo snorts contemptuously. “home. I am Dr. Gordianus. You must be Jelcin. I have heard much about you… Please follow me.” He Turn And Walk Away. Not Even Check If We Go Wit Him. Me Not Follow. Den Stu Pid Troll Push Me. Hard. Almost Drop Santa Claws Bag Of Dryer Gnome. Boo Growlz At Troll. I Put Hand On Shoulder, “Not Time. Relax Buddy…” He Stay Tense But Calmer. We Follow Dr Into 1 Of Many Tunnels Leading Away From Main Chamber. He Lead Us To Small Room With Exam Table.
He Stop By Table, “If you would, lay your friend out on the table please?” I See A Mazing Pretty Gurl In Nurse Clothes Standing On Udder Side Of Table From Us. Wow. Brain Stop. She Bend Over Table And Pat It While Smile At Me. Dr. G Cough. It Start My Brain A Gain. I Open Bag, Puff Chest Out, Hope It Impress Gurl. Boo Snicker Behind Me. I Elbow Him Quiet. I Walk Proudly To Table And Take Gnome Out Piece By Piece. Gurl Smile At Me Whole Time. She Pretty. Almost As Pretty As Vessa.
I Get Done Laying Dryer Gnome Pieces On Table And Step Back. Dr. Gordianus Look At Gnome, “Excellent! Just what I needed… erm… Expected. He Will Do Quite Nicely.” The Doctor Turn To Me, “I believe I can bring your gnome back. But what have you to offer to help me decide to do it?” He Look At Me. I Check Pockets.
“I Have Lint! Would That Work?” I Ask. He Smiles.
“How about a favor?” He Ask, “If I Resurrect your Dryer Gnome, you would owe me a favor…” Me Nod. Me Not Like Spend Money. Favor Good And Easy. “But you have to realize, I could ask you to do anything, at any time.” The Doctor Holds Out Him Hand.
“A Greed.” I Confirm As We Shake. I Look At Boo. He Look Worried. It Be OK Boo, I Think In My Head. I Look Back at Doctor. He Got BIG Smile On Face. He Walk to Gurl And They Whisper.
He Turn Back To Me. “My Lovely Assistant Vanessa here will take you on a tour of my Lai… My Home, while I Reconstruct the Gnome. I will let you know when my work is finished.” Vanessa Smiles And Pat My Shoulder As She Pass. I See Her Hips Sway And My Mouth Fall. Wow. Den Boo Shoulder Me And Push Pass Me 2 Folluw Her. I Push Him Back And Folluw.
11~ Dryer Gnome Relives 2!
As I Leave Room, I See Bald Guy Who Look Very Familiar. Cant Place Tho. MayB From Bar? I Guess. I Take Time To Think And Vanessa And Boo Get Far Ahead. I Run 2 Catch Dem. “And here,” Vanessa Point 2 Few Rooms That Steel Doors With Only Tiny Windows With Bars In Windows, “Are where Dr. G houses those ‘special’ cases that he is trying to fix.” I Look At Plate On Door… It Read DIVINE ERROR.
I Peek Into Room. In Corner There Iz Tiny Gurl In Ragged Tunic Say Same Thing Over And Over Again In Whispers, “Must escape. Must escape the eyes. Ever watching eyes. Must escape now. I feel the eyes. Must run.” She Sudenly Look Me Straight In The Eyes. Her Eyes Hold Anger And Scared. They Scare Me. I Feel Bad And Slip Some Food Ration Through Bars 4 Herself. I Turn A Way And Continue On.
Vanessa Show Us Rest Of Cavern. Lunch Hall, Monster Quarters, Bathrooms, Fire Pit, Labs, Torture Rooms, And The Source Of Lava. I Kept Looking At Vanessa As She Walked. She Walk Nice. Boo Keep Hitting Me And Snort. It Wuz Hard 4 Me To Pay Atten Tion Until Lava Room. I Saw Hole In Earth Were Lava Come Frum. WOW. I Go To Touch It. My Hand Got So Close My Shirt Got On Fire. “Ahhhh!” I Scream and Wave Arm. Flames Get Bigger. Vanessa Grab Thick Blanket and Tackle Me With It. Fire Go Out. But Vanessa Hug Me. She Lay On Me And Our Eyez Meat. She Smile. I Smile Back, “Thankz.”
“No problem, are you ok?” She Ask. I Pull Out Arm And Look. Only Shirt Burnt. Arm OK. She Take Herself Time To Get Off Me. Me No Mind. Then I Get Up. “Ok, let’s go see if Dr. G is done yet.” She Say. She Head Out Of Room. Boo Folluw. As I Start To Go I Notice Small Metal Cans In Corner. Sign Say TO TRANSPORT LAVA. Light BULB! Me Grab One And Stick In Lava Careful. It Fill Up And I Pull Lid On. I Turn Can Upside Down To Make Sure No Leaks. It Does Not. Yay! I Put It In Bag. I Leave Room And Catch Up To Them. She Take Us Back To Small Room, “Wait Here,” She Smile And Put Hand On My Shoulder, “I’ll see if Dr. G is Done.”
“Ok. I Will B Here.” I Tell Herself. I Put My Hand On Hers. She Smile B4 Take It Away. She Go Inside. Boo Looks At Me And Shake Head. “Wut?!” I Say. He Snort. The Door Open And Dr. Gordianus Step Out.
“It was a SUCCESS!!” He Exclaim. The Dryer Gnome Walk Out Of Room. He Look Good. I Look Him Up And Down. He Look Different. I See His Eyes. One Look Like Normal Gnome Eye… Other is Red… Look Like My Old Pet Dumbo Firefox Eye. Weird. Gnome Look At Me And Smile.
“I heard that you spent a long time trying to bring me back!” He Hug Me. I Am Speech Less. He Is Ok!? I Realize Dis And Hug Back. “Thank you so much! I am in your Debt,” He Say And Make Small Bow. Behind Hiself, The Bald Man Walk Out. Theodore looks middle aged. He has bright blue eyes, that stand out against his white bald head and his lack of eyebrows. He is wearing A black suit similar to Dr. Gordianus’, except there is a number 2 Stitched on his arm. He Still Look Familiar. Hmm.
Dr. Gordianus Walk Over. He Take My Hand, “Well, now that our business is complete, Theodore here,” He Motion to Bald Man, “will take you back home… If you ever need anything else… I will be here.” He Smile And Start To Walk A Way. He Turn Back, “Oh And Don’t Forget… You Still Owe Me A Favor.” He Laghs Creepy And Walks Away. One Of The Two Giant Trolls From B4 Come Down Hall And Stand Behind Theordore. He Smiles Creepy. The Troll Take Out 3 Black Masks and Hand Them To Us. We Put Them On.
“Alright time to go kids…” Theodore Say. I Smile Under Mask. Dryer Gnome ALIVE! Mission Complete. Experience Earned. It Iz Good Day…
11.5 Interlude To Treachery
Stupid Jelcin. Why must he ALWAYS try to Unimpress the girl… First with the “Please Teach Me To Bend Spoon” schtick, and then with the “OMG I’m On Fire” Really… Boo snorts and shoulders Jelcin. I can’t wait til we get home and I can take off this black hood. This thing is nasty… Wait… Boo sniffs the air. I have smelled this before… The NIGHT OF THE ATTACK!!! Boo Starts to growl deep and throaty, trying to let Jelcin know there might be trouble…
12~ Wait Hold Da Phone!
“Boo, Stop Growling. It Ok. No Boo. Dont Growl Louder. I Said Stop.” Then I Hear Theodore Lagh. Sudden Ly My Mask Ripped Off. I Look Around. Gnome And Boo Hoods Ripped Too. Dere Manys Monster Stand Around Us And We Stand On Edge Of Cliff. Me Look Down… Way Down… No See Bottom… Why We Here?
“Welcome to the Edge of Sanity, the largest cliff in Godville.” Theodore Lagh And Den Him Henchmen Lagh 2. I Try To Count… I Lose Count After 10. Tho I Can’t Count Past 10 Any Wayz, “Now that we are away from the ‘Boss’” Theodore actually air quotes Boss and everyone laughs. “I can tell you the truth. Honestly, Dr. G. is a loser. He has not listened to ANY of my Evil Suggestions, and has even demoted me since SHE came along.” One Of Da Monsters Pulls Vanessa Out Frum Behind Him. She Is Gagged And Tied. She Gets Pushed At Us. I Gasp. Gnome Catch Her Before Her Fall Off Clif. I Breethe Again. Thank Meldra for Gnome.
“You Don’t Hurt Her!” I Scream. I Pull Out My Brick In Sock and Wave It Mean-Like. Every1 Lagh. I Go Swing It At Near Monster. A Nother One Hit Me And I Go Down. Boo Rawrs And Breethe Fire. Monster Lite Up On Fire And Flail. He Run Off CLif. I Lagh, Seeing Monster On Fire Fall Iz Funny. Then Feel Pain In Arm. Look Back. Theodore Hit My Arm With Sword. I See Blood.
“Hold up there buddy,” Theodore Say. The Monsters Close In On Us. We Backed Up To Edge. One More Step… We Folluw Flamy Face… “Don’t be rash… Let’s talk a bit more before we kill you. You see, I’ve been in Dr. G’s shadow for as long as I can remember. Always doing his bidding, all the menial tasks… scrubbing his toilet… BUT NOT ANYMORE! Once I get rid of you, “ He points to Vanessa “I won’t have to listen to how great you are, how much better you are than me… And you ,” He points at Jelcin and crew “You will be my first REAL victims… then I will overthrow Dr. Gordianus and take over his EMPIRE!” He Lagh Crazy. He Scare Me. Him Monsters Lagh Too. I Dont Like This. Slowly Laghing Die. Den Theodore Turn And Say, “I’m done, make them like lemmings and jump off the cliff…” The Monsters Get So Close I Can Smell Each Bad Brethe. I Look At Gnome, Boo And Vanessa. They Share My Scared Face… Wut Can We Do 2 Not Die?
13~ Where Dey Come Frum?!
Oh NO, Oh NO, OH NO! Me Put Iself In Front Of Vanessa. Monsters Start Push Us Onto Edge. Her Heals Over Edge. I Grab Her To Keep Her From Fall. Giant Spywarewolf Lagh And Go To Push Us Off When A Arrow Appear Thrugh It Arm. It Look Confused Then Nother Arrow Go Thrugh It Head. I Move And Spywarewolf Fall Ded Over Clif. We Look Where Arrow Came From. Guild Leader Mezzrow Has Nother Arrow Ready To Shoot, “Step AWAY from my guildmate, if you value your lives!” She Yell. Other Monsters Stop Scared And Look At Her.
Theodore looks quizzically at the new comer. “Oh, you want to join your friend Jelcin I presume?” Theodore Dun Look Scared, Actu Ally Looks Pleased. Two Monsters Turn Toward Mezzrow And Take Step Toward Her.
“You better halt your lackey’s, or we will stop you,” She Spit At Theodore. He laghs. She Drop Her Bow And Look Nervous.
“Stop me? You and what army?” Theodore Lagh. Monsters Folluw And Start Coming After Us A Gain. Mezzrow Look At 2 Monsters Coming Towards Her. She Raise Hand, Monsters Fall Ded. Theodore Mouth Drop And He Gasp. Other Monsters Heer it And Turn Back to Mezzrow.
“Let’s adjudicate this sorry bunch!” Mezzrow Say Then Other Members Of My Guild Appear Behind Her. I Count. A Lot. Almost Even Our Odds, But We Still Short People. While Close Monster Look At Guildmates, I Grab It And Throw Off Of Side. He Scream As He Fall. Then Chaos Break Looser. “Charge!!” Mezzrow Yell And They Run To Attack Monsters.
Hmm Where is that Monster I smell? Boo looks around and sees the Penultimate Samurai that led the attack of Meldra’s Temple. He charges the Penultimate Samurai. Gus Screams as the Bipolar Bear Jumps on him. He tries to offer a truce, but Boo bites him, HARD.
Now Dat Immediate Deth Iz Not Close, I Turn To Vanessa And Try To Untie Her. Vessa sees Jelcin try to help the beautiful woman and charges through the crowd. She reaches Jelcin and thumps Vanessa unconscious. “Ha! I saved your life!” Vessa Gloat.
“Why U Thump Her?” I Ask.
She Kick Vanessa, “Cause she is an Evil Monster!” She Say.
I Point At Bonds, “But She Iz Good, See She Iz Gagged And Tied,” I Tell her.
She Smile Innocent, “Oops.” Den She Turn And Jump Into Battle Again. I look into battle. All Iz Busy Fighting. Me Have No One To Fight. Take Time To Sit And Relax. Let’s Read God Jurnal.
20:50: The Dirt Devil was sacrificed to the Omnipotent One. As its spirit floated skyward, Mezzrow found a cup of rage and 25 gold coins lying next to its remains.
Wait… I Guess Dat Since Many Heroes 2Gether, Dat Maybe God Jurnals Get Mixed Up. Look Like Good Read Though… Continue…
20:53: The Virtual Enemy was shredded into tiny strips. Pete the Popular picked up a vial of turnip blood and 32 coins.
20:54: With his head still spinning from a powerful blow, Lamplighter accidentally used holy water with extra calcium on the monster. Judging by the shriek that followed, the Prom Knight usually heals in some other way.
20:55: The Plump Alter Ego tried to convince Anthar that slaying it would fracture the space-time continuum… He knew it was bluffing. Got 35 gold coins.
20:56: Felt a surge of power from above and Vessa delivered a brutal strike to the… Ouch! Me Look Up. Got Hit In Head With Monster Arm. “Hey Watch IT!” I Yell. Den A He-Who-Must-Be-Ashamed Heer Me And Attack. I Block Blow To Knee With Me Face. “Ha!” I Gloat! It Pick Me Up And Drop Me. My Brethe Leave Me. I Can’T Breethe. Monster Raise Giant Boot To Crush Me… Boo Jump On It And Bite And Claw It! They Fight As I Get To My Feet. Den…
21:02: The He-Who-Must-Be-Ashamed raised its hand for a deadly final strike against me, when Boo suddenly threw himself under its feet. The monster stumbled and fell dead on the ground, its neck broken. Boo quietly heaved his last breath under the weight of the monster’s carcass. Oh, my Lord, why? He was so young…
“BOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I Cry As I Raise My Half Brick In A Sock And Charge Theodore, Who Is Trying To Run, But Battles All Around Stop Him. He Look At Me And I Hit Him REALLY Hard. He Go Down. Hard. I Glow. I Gained A Level. Dat Means He Iz Ded. I Kick Him Body Lots And Scream Boo Lots. Me Lose Track Of Time. Sudden Ly I Feel Hand On Shoulder. I Spin A Round To Kill Monster, But Vessa Looking Sad Iz Dere. I Stop. Look A Round. All Monsters Ded. Guildmates Cleaning Up. Dryer Gnome Trying To Relive Boo By Kissing Him.
Dr Kenneth Noisewater Run Up. He Say “I am a Doctor. Kind Of… I think I can help.” Boo… Me Look At Life Less Body And Start To Cry… Boo…
Chapter 1- The Beginnings - BONUS FEATURES!
11.5.2 Jelcin’s Note How His Guild Came to Save Him
“Hmm,” Vessa wonders aloud, “I haven’t seen Jelcin in a while… I wonder where he’s been… Maybe I should stop by his temple, see if he is ok..."
About 10 minutes later Vessa bursts into the Space Bar, knowing that her guildmates would be there, at 10 am drinking, getting ready for a day of questing. Vessa looks around and sees Lamplighter, Pete the Popular, Anthar, and a few others sitting at a booth in the corner. She sprints over to them, and out of breath exclaims, “Jelcin IS MISSING!” The party looks up at her, all chit chat ceasing.
Anthar looks at Vessa, “Now, I’m sure he’s just fine, probably got lost… again.” The group laughs, Jelcin does have the habit of getting lost quite often. Vessa glares at Anthar and slams a note in front of him .
Deer Followurs. I Iz Going On Jurny. Epic Jurny. If Not Back In Few Dayz, DO NOT I Repeat DO NOT Call Local Author Ities. I Iz Uh Hero After All. I Will Fight Any Obsticle In Way And Return. Whatever U Do, DO NOT Come Look Four Me Near Bridge Outside Troll Bridge. Will Come Back Might Y Hero.
Everyone gathers around and reads the note. “But I’m sure he’s fine. He even said NOT to come looking for him,” Pete replies, “We don’t even know if he is in trouble…”
Vessa looks around, trying to come up with something, “I… We need to save him… You know he’s in trouble… He’s Jelcin.” She counters.
Everyone slowly nods at her statement. “And he does make really good s’mores,” Lamplighter adds, “Let’s go get him.”
Jelcin runs his hand slowly through my hair. He smiles as our eyes meet... I never would have thought a hero, falling in love with me! But I guess thats fate. He makes me so happy. We've been together ever since we met at Dr. Gordianus' Lair. I lean in to kiss him... Vanessa's eyes flutter open. She tries to move, but finds she's still tied up. She looks around and sees Jelcin kneeling over his pet... It looks like the pet is dead... OH NO! Vanessa tries to speak, but she is gagged. A girl standing behind Jelcin hears Vanessa moan and turns towards her. "Help me!" Vanessa tries to say, but all that comes out is "Mhrmph." The girl walks over. She bends over Vanessa... and kicks her in the head. Vanessa smiles as she gets knocked unconscious and lands back in Jelcin's arms...
Chapter 2~ Arch-Nemisis
1~ Recount of the Break
Hi Jurnal. It has been a long time. At least 3 months since the Incident… Its been a hard lots of months. Its why I have not written in you for while. Lots of stuff happened. There was lots of sadness… Lots of monsters died that day… I was inconsolable for a long time. I mean I do kill monsters. But it was very sad… Boo… Rawrrr! Boo, hearing his name runs and jumps on Jelcin and licks his face. Jelcin laughs and rubs Boo behind his ears. Boo a live! Dr Kenneth Noisewater is a GR8T doctor. He rezzurrected Boo!! It was awesome. Just when I thought that Boo wuz gone 4ever, He came alive again! I was sooo happy I gave Dr Kenneth Noisewater one of my golden bricks. I dont know how he did it, but yay!
Other news. After battle, I wuz sad. Vessa tried to pick Vanessa up and she was too heavy and fell over.. again. I tried to catch her. Vessa had mad face. I thought she be happy that I caught Vanessa. Since the fight, Vanessa quit Dr. Gordianus’s and came to work at the Space Bar near our LoA Head Quarters. Now I get to see her lots and we go to drink a lot. My friends have taken me under their wing and hang out with me more. They taught me to write gooder than long ago. I am glad I write better. I look at old entries and get sad. But not Nemore. Hooray… Anyway That is what happened while I didn’t write. So I hope something fun happens to write about soon. Even my God Jurnal agrees..
10:14: It's been a while since anything bad has happened, which usually means that I'm way overdue for trouble.
2~ I took a trip
10:18 Saw Lamplighter running from a Daymare while I was fleeing from the Metro Gnome. We joined forces and bravely fled together.
We fled fast. And far. In facts, we fled right into the Space Bar. Right as we ran into the bar, I turned my head to make sure the monsters were not following us… AND BOOM! I hit something. I close my eyes so not poke my eyes out. I tumble with something soft. I land on the floor… and am dripping wet! What did I hurt?! Is it blood?! I lick my lips as the wetness drips down my face. No it beer. Thank Meldra. I move my head. I landed on… pillows? I slowly peek open one eye. I look up, and see that I lay on Vanessa. She blush and giggle. I blush and quickly get up off her. I help her up. She smile and pick up mugs of beer she was holding. I try to use my towel (I always carry a towel with me… If you want to survive out here, you've got to know where your towel is) and try to dry Vanessa. She blush more and say thank you before running back to get more beer. Lamplighter Iz ROTFL, whatever that means… I help him up and look for a booth. I see Vessa sitting in a booth in the back. She iz looking at me. I wave and go to her and we go to sit with her.
“Hi!” I say. Vessa looks at me mad, grabs her beer, and drinks her whole mug, which full, in one gulp. Then she slam mug on table, look at me in eyes with anger and storm off. Lamplighter tries to talk, but ROTFLMAO in the booth. What does that mean? Maybe its new slang… I should go talk to Vessa and see whats up.
3~ A Messy Happenstance
“Vessa Wait!” I call, as I leave Lamplighter laghing in the booth. I follow in the way she went. As I pass by the food pantery, I look in and see Vanessa tied up, like she wuz 3 months ago. I run by… no I am probably daydream it. I run outside the other entrance following Vessa. Suddenly roar of crowd hits me. I see that there is a BIG Tornament going on. Hero Leweth is standing next to a giant pit of mud.
“Here Ye, Here Ye! All Heroes Listen To Me! The Wiki Leagues Proudly Present The First Annual Mud Wrestling Tournament! Please sign up at the table over there” He point to a table on other side of huge crowd. I look around and see Vessa making her way through the crowd. I start to run after her.
“Jelcin!!” Someone yell. I turn around and see the Dryer Gnome coming. I stop. “My cousin just told me that you were trying to kill him! Did you try to kill a Metro Gnome recently…” He pause and I look guilty, “Well its a good thing he was bigger and stronger than you… and that you run fast.” He smiles and pats my back.
“Alfred, can we talk later I’m trying to get to Vessa!” I yell and point to crowd. The Gnome follows my finger and smiles. “Boo, Fire the Crowd!” Boo brethe fire into crowd and it separate, letting me catch up to her. She is leaning over a table. I run up, puffing out of brethe, “What are you doing?”
Vessa look angry at me, “What does it look like genius?! Signing up to fight in the tournament!” She storms off.
“Fine then. I will too.” I write my name next to hers.
A few hours later... “And up next is Jelcin” The crowd cheers “versus Spider Pig!!” Leweth announces. I step up to the pit and raise my hands. Everyone Loves me.
“These are NOT the Hammer!” I yell my catchphrase and everyone cheers more. I step into the ring and the Spider Pig hisses. I grab the pig and throw it in the mud. It wallows. I jump on it and tackle it. It bucks me off and splashes me. I splash mud in the Spider pigs eyes and blind it. Then I wrestle it into the mud! The crowd roars with excitement! I pin the Spider Pig and then Leweth Counts… “1…2…3… AND JELCIN WINS!” I get up, looking like the Swamp Thing, but the Crowd Cheers! I have won! I hope Vessa see how good I was!
Alfred the Dryer Gnome and Boo help pull me from the pit and start to hose me off. They so excited and happy that I forget that Vessa is up next… by the time I clean I hear “1…2…3… AND VESSA TRIUMPHS OVER THE PIGMY GIANT!!!” Vessa Stands up and bows… She looks like she is not wearing clothes. She is gorgeus. I smile and cheer with crowd and start to run to her. As I get to her, she just walks right by me and ignores me… Why she not talk to me? I go and tell Alfred and Boo… They console me… I start to cry and they take me to the woods so no one sees.
After I dun, we go back to mud pit. All battles have been fought and winners tallied. Then the next round of battles is posted. Being tall, I can see over peoples head and see who I fight next. Vessa! I am confused… I am happy, she is pretty and I can get close to her… ANd maybe I can talk to her and see why she mad at me. But she is a girl and pretty… I don’t want to hurt her… OH NO!