Spleentestine

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History

Chapter 1: The Rise of Spleentestine

Written by Liam F---ing Neeson

The unholy union of liver and digestive tract was what Liam F---ing Neeson was looking for.

What he found(ed) was something much worse.

Two gods, Meeplord and Liam F---ing Neeson, had instructed Liam F---ing Neeson to fuse two organs together, breaking about 200,000 rules in the Institute of Alchemy (approximately 32 inches).

The Institute had found a reason to expel Liam F---ing Neeson aside from his utterly mediocre grades and jumped at the chance, cutting off all ties with him.

While most at the school disagreed with such brutal use of alchemy, one professor was impressed with Liam F---ing Neeson. The madman provided him with the tools required to complete the transmutation, a crystal full of protein shake and seemingly the foulest concoctions he could find. These included a vial of acidic swamp tar, minotaur blood and the worst of them all, Coke Zero.

After his expulsion/graduation, Liam F---ing Neeson got back to work. Now assisted by Meeplord's somewhat faithful servant, Nukeman, he plunged back into his work. They took the crystal of protein shake and emptied into the original result of the fusion (an ice-cream truck), watching in a mix of awe and disgust as it turned green.

Inspired by that success, the two borderline madmen returned to work, mixing up the acidic swamp minotaur and the swamp blood (or was it mixing the acidic blood swamp and the minotar?), forming a mixture which they then proceeded to pour onto the green ice-cream truck.

When the smoke cleared, the two men found themselves staring not at a horribly ugly vehicle, but instead at a (quite) invisible person. The man's body was completely transparent, with the noticeable exception of his digestive tract. Faced with a digestive tract sitting on the floor, the two did the only logical thing and poured all of the Coke Zero down its oesophagus.

The beverage had the same effect on the organs as it would have had on any normal person, which were retching, choking, seizures and dysentery.

While that was going on, the two were playing a rather exciting game of chess, which culminated in Nukeman's knight seducing Liam F---ing Neeson's queen, which led to Liam F---ing Neeson's king ordering his men to massacre the people of Nuketopia. The chess game finally ended when both kings signed the Nuke-Neeson Accord, which led to the formation of the Coalition.

After the game, the two looked around and noticed that they were inside a large room with leather chairs and a high ceiling. The room they were in contained many chessboards and a large dartboard.

Walking through the doorway, they discovered a wide hallway with a large door st the end of it. Walking out, they realised that they had been inside a large marble building. They had no idea what to do, so they went right back in again

Then, the two men were struck by a vision, literally. The disc, which had been so expertly aimed to hit both of them, rocketed into the building's cinema where they had been binge watching all 20 seasons of their favourite show, meaningless static.

The video was a message from Liam F---ing Neeson and Meeplord, informing them that the building was to be a guild hall for a new guild. Nukeman was then tasked with giving the guild a clever and sophisticated name while Liam F---ing Neeson was given the job of creating a coat of arms.

The heroes left the cinema and got to work, but not before giving the message from above rave reviews. Both of them were truly impressed by its storyline, especially the part which predicted them both enjoying a cold beer in the lounge.

Liam F---ing Neeson completed his task very quickly, returning to the building after a quick visit to the toy store, where he had torn off the limbs of hundreds of dolls, teddy bears and mutant gummy worms. He then proceeded to sew those limbs together, creating a rather fashionable jacket.

Nukeman however, had racked his brains all day trying to come up with a guild name. He then promptly forgot which shelf he had left them on. However, his method of naming proved to be quite effective. While hunting for his cranium samples, he noticed that the back room was radiating a strange green aura.

Intruiged, Nukeman peeked in through the doorway and started hallucinating vividly. He saw the house shrink back into a pool of digestive fluid on the floor, watched with mild interest as the liquid un-dysentry-ised, turning back into a digestive track. Noticing how the hallucination was progressing, he braced himself for the worst, but it was futile. Nukeman felt a fizzy sensation on his tongue before he was hit with a taste so bad that it can only be described as a nightmare in flavour form. He fell to the floor, forcing his mouth (and the other end of his digestive tract) shut. After what seemed like all of eternity, the taste of Coke Zero faded and he looked up, still shaking from the traumatic experience.

Nukeman watched, transfixed, as the original ritual performed by Liam F---ing Neeson reversed itself in front of him. A large ice-cream truck turned into two organs, a liver and a small intestine. He then watched in horror as the organs morphed back into the truck, still playing its jingle (which clashed horribly with Meeplord's theme song). Meeplord's theme ringing in his ears, Nukeman sensed an opportunity and dived toward the transforming mess while it was in organ form. Just as his hands clasped the guts, he heard the strangely sinister jingle emanate from the liver as he rolled forward.

When Liam F---ing Neeson found Nukeman, Nukeman was passed out inside an ice-cream truck with both organs in his hands. He took off his coat of (severed) arms, and shook Nukeman awake. He then asked Nukeman what name he had found for the guild. Nukeman quickly made a prayer to Meeplord, asking for inspiration. However, Meeplord was offline at the time and could not offer help. Left with no other option, Nukeman looked at the guts in his hands and inspiration dawned on him.

"S...Spleen...Intestine...Spleentestine!"

And so it was decided. Nukeman and Liam F---ing Neeson got to work. Nukeman tacked the armed suit (and thigh) onto the wooden shield while Liam F---ing Neeson painted "Spleentestine" on every piece of guild property he could get his hands on.

The next day, the two men awoke to find the guild hall's bar completely drained after the previous night's celebration and left on a shopping trip, starting a new quest and heralding the reign of Spleentestine.

Chapter 2: Wrath of Dog

Written by Regal Pierre

As the duo headed for the nearest supermarket (about four miles away), they realised that they had left their key behind in the manor. The two then settled down to discuss on the matter at hand. Liam was the first to come up with a logical solution but it was soon lost in the sea of nonsensical ideas. The discussion spanned two hours and by the time Nukeman pointed out that Liam's fly was down, the day was approaching dusk.

Having run out of time to discuss the problem further, they decided to use the most efficient method they could think up of in the pointless banter they had been a part of for the entire day. Liam agreed to pay for the materials required and Nukeman decided to help by observing his actions.

At dusk, the two gathered around the materials Liam had purchased, gazing with delightful awe. The objects seemed to emitting an aura of disuse, a seemingly alien term to the duo. They then set off to work, first picking the materials up and then cutting open the packaging stained with droppings and beer. The next step was to execute the next step. And the third was to initiate the third step.

The contraption they were building was a magnificent piece of work- comprising of a lighter and a sunblock spray. Operating it was immensely difficult because of its complex mechanism. One would have to light the lighter first and then spray the sunblock to achieve desired results- which was why both Nukeman and Liam were operating the contraption. The countdown had to be accurate too. From 3 to 1 and not 2 to 1. After applying a few finishing touches ( by literally touching it ), they were finally ready to execute the plan.

Now, before they actually do it, it has to be understood and agreed upon that the heroes' intellectual level are not the greatest. What the two had agreed upon to do may not have been the best idea thought up by man but it was feasible- at least to them.

"Looks great," Nukeman and Liam took a step back, admiring the pyres of flames that were rising from the structure. The heat had caused some breathing difficulties but it was fine. "This is a perfect plan. Now we don't have to worry about being locked out of our mansion anymore." Liam cheered, relishing the sight of the collapsing building.

The integrity of the mansion was failing, causing it to tell a few lies before going down in a glorious burst of flames. Left mansionless, Liam and Nukeman decided to buy another one. They knew that without a mansion to live in, they would not have a mansion to live in. The fiery blaze that had consumed the mansion was still going strong so the two moved closer to the flames to test the theory of getting set on fire when in close proximity to a flame. Apparently it was true because soon after the duo were marvelling at the tiny flames that had magically appeared on their hair.

They were finally able to sort out their seared scalp and "no longer hair" hair and found a great place to settle for the night- far away from the blaze that had spread to a nearby forest. The rabbit hole made a comfortable spot for a single person so the other had to sleep on the dead rabbit while pressing his cheek against its dead babies. They bode one another a good night and fell fast asleep, exhausted from their misadventures.


Chapter 3: An Eye for an Eye, a Tooth for Health Insurance

Written by Liam F---ing Neeson

After successfully guaranteeing that we would never get locked out of our guild house again, I began to notice a slight flaw in our plan. While we did manage to destroy the keyhole, we also destroyed the doors. I spent quite a long time thinking about this. My rabbit corpse pillow was turning cold by the time I had come up with an idea. Undeterred, I attempted to go back to sleep.

Unfortunately, the Almighty decided to intervene right then. There was a blast of light directed right at me which regenerated my incredible hair. However, the blast radius was quite large and it healed pretty much everything around me. I watched as the ground around me turned from charred earth to a field of daisies, which clashed horribly with my armour. The blazing wreck reverted to being a forest and a smooth fog rolled in, causing everything to be covered by droplets of dew.

Then came the nuke.

The beautiful plantlife was re-incinerated, the fires re-lit and everything was destroyed in a spectacular display of fire and explosions. I looked around. Everything around and behind me was still pristine, still blanketed with mist. But right in front of me, there was destruction as far as the eye could see, which wasn't very far too be honest. The mist faded into thick black smoke, the burnt stalks of flowers charred and smoking. A scene of absolute destruction. It was as though life itself had abandoned the land. Proof of this emerged moments later, when Nukeman walked out of the smoke.

Nukeman, like me, had been completely regenerated, though with some noticeable differences. While my truly fabulous locks were flowing in the wind, Nukeman's hair (or really what was left of it) was being blown away by the breeze. I put some thought into converting to Nukeman's religion before I realised that fire resistance and a far more stylish healing process were not worth the loss of my glorious hair.

The awkward silence was soon interrupted when I noticed something warm on my left foot. The rabbits, who had previously been, well, dead, were now leaning against my right sandal. There was a note attached to the largest one. "As punishment for killing these rabbits, you will have to take care of them." The Almighty was forcing responsibility on me? Responsibility? That was a downright degrading, utterly unethical, and awkwardly alliterated punishment. I gave more thought into converting but I realised that I liked having hair far more than ash.

Anyway, I tried to ask Nukeman for help about getting into the house without the door, but he wasn't of much help. He kept muttering something about a "Great Army" he had to create in the name of Meeplord, before asking if I wanted to join. I accepted a position as General, mostly to get him to let go of me. He then wandered off into the forest.

Considerably shaken (not stirred) by that harrowing experience, I returned to my task of finding out how to enter the house. I inspected the empty doorframe, the only part of the house still standing. The door had been completely burnt to ash, which meant that there was no way I could go in. I looked at the remnants of the walls in hope that I could find a window to crawl into but it was to no avail. They were all just glass fragments all over the floor. Looking at the field of rubble, I sighed in dismay. Without a door or even a window to enter from, how could I get our stuff?

And then, it hit me...hard. A piece of rock fell from the heavens, landing right onto my head. When I regained consciousness, I saw that the rock had words written on it. It said, "You can walk through the doorframes, you f---ing idiot." A message from the divine! Now that was a cryptic message indeed. The message seemed to suggest that I go to a part of the house with a doorframe that I could walk through. I thought about it for quite some time. The garage! We never bothered to close that door. That was obviously where I needed to go.

The garage door was open, as expected. The pink Spleentestine ice-cream truck was sitting there in the rubble, as though it had been waiting for me. That's what the Almighty had been trying to show me! I looked up to the sky in pride. The clouds formed the shape of a man patting himself on his forehead, which I'm sure was the Almighty's way of saying that I did a good job.

So, our course was set. I shook Nukeman free from his recruiting trance and pulled him onto the truck, but not before he had conscripted my rabbits and the whole of the Coalition into Meeplord's army. I grabbed my aforementioned rabbits and stuffed Nukeman into the driver's seat. Spleentestine was ready to hit the road.

And hit the road we did, after also hitting a seven people, two streetlamps, a couple of houses and a partridge in a pear tree. Perhaps putting a highly drowsy Nukeman in the driver's seat was a mistake. I checked the speedometer. We were going faster and faster. Then, it ticked 88 miles per hour and I did see some shit.

At least I think we travelled through time because I clearly saw my life flash in front of my eyes. Eventually, after an hour of pitching and rolling and highly un-manly screaming, we came to a stop. We had collided with a Sandboxer, pinning its dead body against a tree. Sensing a business opportunity, I took all of its money and dumped our entire supply of raspberry-flavoured ice-cream onto its corpse. I then plopped my rabbits into the box that used to contain that horrible trash, creating a win-win situation for everyone.

Nukeman had woken up by the time I was done. He insisted that he would continue to drive, arguing that he was in a far better state as compared to earlier. Unfortunately, his driving was not. We crashed through Buckingham Square, narrowly avoided the Pentagon, went straight through the Bermuda Triangle, and flew past the Circle of Life. Could have been worse.

It soon became clear that Nukeman was in no fit state to drive, so I took the wheel. The ride became markedly smoother after that, mostly due to the fact that Nukeman could only use the pedals and the gearstick.

At last the ride seemed to reach its end. The car had run out fuel. I replaced the steering wheel while removing the last of the rabbits from my hair. The fridge was well stocked, with a large supply of healing potions, food and soft drinks. There was just one, highly noticeable problem. There was no beer. That's like a ham sandwich without the sand, Mars Bars without the planets or worse, and M&M without any rappers. That's plain nonsense.

I gritted my teeth and went back to the counter. There was no beer-flavoured ice-cream. Resigned to fate, I grabbed two drinks and left the van. Looking around at the green expanse that was the forest, I took a sip of the first beverage. Half a second later, my face contorted as I felt the satanic fizziness of Coke Zero on my tongue. I spat, a toxic spray that coated the no longer happy little trees with a corrosive layer of sugarless soda. I wrenched at the cap of the other bottle, spraining two fingers and almost fracturing my spine. After approximately 29 years, 11 months, 26 days, 13 hours, 42 minutes and 37.9 seconds exactly, I was able to remove the bottle cap.

The sweet taste of grape soda was holy salvation. The carcinogenic aftertaste of the accursed beverage was washed away by liquid tranquillity. In disgust and rage, I poured the toxic mess onto the floor. Big mistake. The remaining plants in the area were instantly obliterated, the sunlight turned green and the dirt started emitting purple fumes. A wild sun dog walked by, breathed in the fumes and promptly fell unconscious onto the floor. Not wanting to be responsible for the death of another animal, I chugged the grape soda and rushed into the toxic fumes, forcing the liquid into the sun dog's mouth. I dived back out, not a moment too soon as the Almighty blasted the contaminated land with a purification ray.

Then came the nuke.

A second ray hit me, enveloping me and the sun dog in protective light. I reacted instinctively, taking the chance to show off my groovy moves while the spotlight was on me. Then, the smoke settled and I was able to the aftermath (and the afterscience) of the nuke. The entirety of the forest had been purged. Seriously, Meeplord has a way cooler modus operandi.

I dragged the half dead sun dog back to the ice-cream truck. The truck had been protected from the nuke blast too. Apparently, Meeplord had placed a large protective shield, made entirely of nukes, on top of the van.I had no way of entering without detonating any nukes (I know, I tried). So, I spent my time outside, watching as lemmings went skydiving into a bottomless pit that extended out from below the nuke shield.

Chapter 4: Grapes of Raft

Written by Meeplord

Woken up from his century long slumber by not one but two nuclear explosions, the park ranger left his house to bask in the mild heat of nuclear fallout before realizing that his entire forest was missing. All 666 hectares of it. The only thing left was the nuke covered ice cream truck. Thinking it was the cause of all the destruction, he promptly went there and told Liam and Nukeman to go to hell. Five minutes later, in their tiny dungeon next to Tartarus itself, Nukeman got so bored that he collapsed and fell of the edge of the bottomless pit. On his way down, he dreamt of an empire so great that he woke up from his 1000-year long coma. Seeing that he was going to fall for all eternity and go into another boredom coma, he prayed to Meeplord, his god for help. Hearing this, Meeplord lazily flicked a massive bolt of lightning at Nukeman, allowing him to run faster than the speed of light. Nukeman then grabbed onto a conveniently placed chain and ran up it, going back in time as well. After running on a chain for negative 1000 years, he smashed straight into the roof, destroying it and himself instantly. Seeing the new opening, Liam stared at it for ten minutes before realizing what it was, as he was delirious from his five minutes of captivity. He then attempted to jump out of the hole in the ceiling but fell flat on his face and giving himself a concussion. As Liam could not get any dumber, his injury increased his brainpower hundredfold, so he could almost be as smart as a normal person. With his enhanced brainpower, he realized that he could rocket jump out of the prison with a nuke he had prised off the ice cream truckand did so, landing outside and smashing his face into the rock directly beside Nukeman's corpse. At this point, the nuclear fallout and Coke Zero mixture had gained sentience and fused with the nuclear ice truck, making a huge mech with an intestinal track as a whip. After destroying 5 rival guild halls, it stumbled across the corpses of both Liam and Nukeman in the newly created entrance to hell. It swallowed both of them and bathed Liam in a grape juice and ice cream concoction while boiling Nukeman in Coke Zero heated by nuclear flame, which just so happened to heal them both and give them very opposite personalities.

Chapter 5: The Farce Awakens

Written by Liam F---ing Neeson

It's been a year. My legacy lost, perhaps for the better. The alchemy, the madness, all gone.

It was a normal fight. A day-to-day battle between man and monster. I felt the life drain out of my body as I prepared to die again. Only took 24 hours to resurrect anyway.

I leaned back, drew breath for what I thought would be the last time, and waited for the finishing strike. It never came. Lightning arced from the clouds, igniting me with holy fire (and my clothes with actual fire). Not this, I thought, not him again. But I didn't have time for thoughts. I drew back my fist, and punched the monster in the face, watching as his face vaporized on contact. The rest of him ignited into a shower of sparks, as did the nearby trees, leaving me standing covered in blood in a clearing of what used to be a forest, next to what used to be my clothes and what used to be the monster.

Then came the second insult. A column of healing light extending down from the heavens. I watched as my injuries disappeared, as my hairdo was restored to its former glory, and as the pile of ash that was my clothes was illuminated slightly. The healing ray faded. I looked up.

'I didn't need you.', I said.'

A swarm of birds flew by forming the words 'twenty-five deaths'. I took a moment to note down how strange the experience was in my diary before yelling back.

'Your a waste of prayers, false god!'

While I was punching myself repeatedly in the face for heresy, a mosquito whispered in my ear '*You're'. I made sure to note it down in my diary (with my left hand, of course, as my right hand was still busy punching) before pretending to ignore the message while correcting my previous diary entry.

A nearby rock split open, revealing a small plastic bottle of brown liquid. The original label had been ripped off, and a sticky note was attached to it. It read 'Who are you?'

Hands trembling, I wrapped my fingers around the lid. What was this mystery liquid? My fingers tightened around the plastic grooves as I twisted the cap open.

After retrieving my fingers from the floor, I took a sip.

It was unpleasant. I felt my tongue shrivel a little but that was all. I couldn't remember what the flavour was but it was familiar.

I heard a click from the sky. A column of blue fire descended from the sky before ripping apart into two streams. A rippling image appeared between the two. A flickering shadow of a brick tower.

The Institute. I didn't know what you learned there but I'm sure I learned something. I charged at the image, determined to find out more.

Turns out, it wasn't a portal. I fell through the flames and landed flat on my face. Fortunately there was no one to see my mistake, as the forest fire had killed all of them.

'You remain bound by the rules of the game.'

Not a patronizing insult. Just a statement of fact. The evidence for that came quickly as I was compelled to note down my observations again. I wrenched my hand off the paper and looked to the sky.

'Impressive. You might just be able to free yourself.'

The not-a-portal grew unstable, firing off bursts of fire.

A sickening carnival tune played in my head. I clutched at my head. If only I had earphones or earmuffs. Wait a minute. What the hell are earphones and earmuffs? What on earth is a carnival tune?

Free from the code of the game, I decided to run at the not-a-portal again. I still fell flat on my face, but this time, I could see not a former forest, but a very familiar mansion.

I knew who I was.

I reached down to my feet and picked up the drink which I now knew was Coke Zero.

I chugged it.

It burned

Life was good.

To Be Continued.