Lombardi

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"I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel cathedrals on my lunch breaks. I translate ethnic slurs for Italian refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike harp playing, I can pilot chariots up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Egypt. I am the reason Waldo is hiding. Using only a hoe and a large bowl of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Patriots, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build suspension bridges in my backyard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Sundays, after church, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured Italy with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I can slam revolving doors. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Rome, I successfully negotiated with a group of rebels who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bounties are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a brick oven. I breed prizewinning camels. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Florence, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Julius Caesar.

But I can't finish this goddamn temple!" -Lombardi

(adapted from Hugh Gallagher's College Essay)