Gnomeland Security

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Well fellow Gnomers, perhaps someone should write something here. Perhaps my successor will, and each one from that point forward! Got MILK?

Edit from Dr Doctor McScience: It is undeniable that some gnomes, or cousins of gnomes, tend to be more on the... "aggressive" side. But we at Gnomeland Security will do all we can to protect all gnomes, even those who tend to want to smash out our guts. From that baby Harlem Gnometrotter that one of our high-rank members spared, to the Gnomewrecker that yours truly refused to kill in battle (that was a gnome, right?!?), our guild pledges to spare any gnomes, friendly or... misled.

On another note, congratulations to our new guild leader, The ANT!

Edit from Sevo: Gnomeland Security, a guild dedicated to protecting gnomes from the terribly large foes around them. Or perhaps that is only what the name suggests.....we secretly enslave them & make them carry our hero's heavy sack of goods they collect. Muahaha. Just kidding, we are a nice guild, come on in we have milk and cookies ^_^

Edit from Frankanator: 3,154 years after the great God Sevo first breathed life into the Gnomish people, Emperor Gnomeulous XI defeated his rival Gnemous the wicked in the great Battle of the Upper Lowlands (sometimes referred to as the Battle of the Lower Highlands if one reads the Elves' sources) and for the first time, and by the will of Sevo forevermore, united all Gnomes in the land under one Kingdom. Surrounded by hulking (and oblivious) enemies, Gnomeulous made it his eternal quest to provide for the safety and security of all of the Gnomish people. He was tired of seeing his resolute people being trod underfoot and he worked without rest to educate the rest of the world about the existence of Gnomes. Thus, with the help of a handful of enlightened heroes, the Gnomeland Security Guild was formed.

At first, it was difficult, if not impossible, to garner anybody's attention or concern; but that changed after Operation Pillsbury. In one of our Guild's greatest successes a lavish banquet of milk and cookies was prepared in order to attract the attention of the great masses of heroes and as a result countless members flocked to join the ranks. Working side by side with our Gnomish counterparts, we Gnomers strive to protect the Kingdom of Gnomes, under the rule of Emperor Gnomey the Righteous, from unwitting passersby through the use of conveniently located milk and cookie stands and with the eternal support of our fellow coalition members: The Girl Scouts and The Keebler Elves.


Edit from Finklemeyer.

432 eons after the reign of Frankanator, The great almighty hero, Finklemeyer, under the direction of his God, BenevolentMalevolent, took over control of Gnomeland Security, after years of leaderless stupidity and drunkenness. After exactly 32 years of non stop drinking, and occasional pillaging, Finklemeyer stood proudly in front of millions of gnomes. They looked up to him, mostly because he was 5ft taller than them, but also because he provided them with unending wealth, and booze.

After years of good fortune, Finklemeyer came down with brain rot and began a strange downward spiral, of spiraling. Many of the gnomes began trying to help their almighty leader, only to be given the unfortunate brain rot disease, causing more spiraling.

A wise gnome by the name of Postulio, found that the cure was in front of them for years. Due to Finklemeyer attempting to live a sober life, he ended up causing his own illness. Brain rot of course being all in the mind, and not real at all (except to those he killed in fits of spiraling insanity), was cured with 38 tankards of the strongest gnomish ale.

After an incredibly long reign as master of Gnomeland Security, Finklemeyer looked back on his life. Having died 11 times, beaten numerous opponents in the arena and many other grueling duels, he looked up to his god, BenevolentMalevolent, and asked for a sign. He got it. His god sent a large neon casino sign hurling towards his head. Finklemeyer tried to step out of the way but the sign followed him like an acme boulder falling towards Wile E. Coyote. After all, he asked for a sign, and he got it.

After the sign incident, Finklemeyer gained insight and wisdom and stepped down from Gnomeland security, to pursue questing, and probably more drunken nights and inevitable deaths. He said a tearful goodbye to the gnomes, who gave him untold riches and the traditional headbutt to the groin, and Finklemeyer walked off, singing in a particularly high voice.... Yet, he felt saddened, and looked to his god and prayed for yet another sign, his god said "Automaton!" Confused but somewhat understanding, Finklemeyer conjured up Fink2meyer to watch over and lead Gnomeland Security until a new hero comes along.


We cordially invite any and all who are interested to register for membership in the Gnomeland Security Guild. Stop by your local Guild lodge to sign up and receive your lifetime supply of free cookies and milk delivered to your door free of charge compliments of The Girl Scouts' Gnomish Division.

Ad Majorem Gnomi Gloriam

Gnomes a short and greedy race can live to be hundreds of years old. They have almost no way to protect themselves besides tricks and hiding. That is where we come in we supplies them with protection from monsters or other people who would other wise rob them blind. That my guild foke is are mission.