Fool's goldfish
Fool's goldfish | |
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Type | đ§ˇNormal |
Description | Snarky alternative to regular ornamental fish. |
Contents
General Information
The foolâs goldfish is a genetically altered goldfish often kept as a pet by April Fools, Beta Jesters, and other trickster monsters, as well as by some humans. It is intelligent, vocal and crafty, but generally powerless, as its lack of limbs, fangs, venom or really any useful body part at all precludes it from doing anything dangerous.
Some academics argue that the foolâs goldfish should be classified as a monster. However, due to its small size, ease of transportation and relative harmlessness, it is classified as an artifact instead. Other than its frequent verbal complaints at being stashed away in an inventory, it offers little danger to a hero.
The foolâs goldfish has value among fish collecters and people who enjoy being condescended to by their pets. Some people keep foolâs goldfish for companionship. This is not advisable, however, as its biting sarcasm, constant pessimism and knack for finding peopleâs emotional weak points can wear down its ownerâs self-esteem over a period of years.
Foolâs goldfish can be eaten, but their nutritional value is low. Their screams of agony may also be off-putting to good-oriented heroes. They may offer you riches, power or wishes in exchange for freedom. Do not be taken in. Feral foolâs goldfish are a threat to local wildlife and do not grant wishes. Releasing a Foolâs goldfish into the wild is a misdemeanour under Godville law.
Identifying foolâs goldfish:
How to tell the difference between a foolâs goldfish and a real goldfish:
- Foolâs goldfish may engage the hero in lengthy conversation. Regular goldfish do not speak.
- The scales of foolâs goldfish sparkle. Regular goldfish have shiny scales. Bear in mind that black foolâs goldfish do not have sparkly scales and may be difficult to differentiate from real goldfish by sight alone.
- Foolâs goldfish may have fine, parallel stripes along the length of their body.
- Foolâs goldfish may participate in musical numbers.
- Foolâs goldfish may burst into laughter at othersâ misfortune. Regular goldfish are not interested in such japery.
- Foolâs goldfish are hard, and will shatter rather than splatter when hit with a hammer. Be warned: hitting a foolâs goldfish will damage its resale value. The same warning applies to regular goldfish.
A good way to provoke a recalcitrant foolâs goldfish into revealing itself is by telling jokes with the punchline removed. A foolâs goldfish may be compelled to fill in the missing information. Be warned that particularly clever foolâs goldfish may resist temptation. Tickling a foolâs goldfish can also induce laughter.
Caring for a foolâs goldfish
Foolâs goldfish care is not recommended for the inexperienced, as extended exposure can have harmful consequences on the carerâs mental health. However, the resilient or foolhardy owner may benefit from these tips. Please note that it is illegal to keep foolâs goldfish in Godvillewood, Nothingham and Healiopolis without a license.
A foolâs goldfish can be fed much the same diet as a regular goldfish. To keep a foolâs goldfishâs scales sparkly, pyrite supplements can be purchased at your local pet store. Pyrite supplements are not necessary for the fishâs survival, but will keep it looking good.
Goldfish grow to an appropriate size for their environment, however, at least 10 gallons (40 litres) of water per fish is recommended to keep them happy and healthy.
Foolâs goldfish should not be placed in tanks with regular goldfish, as they may torment their less-intelligent siblings. Cross-breed goldfish are possible, but rare, and always infertile.
A water filter is necessary to provide a clean, healthy environment. Water changes should also be done frequently.
Foolâs goldfish need mental stimulation. Help provide some by providing toys, an engaging environment, and other foolâs goldfish.
Wearing earplugs may help protect against particularly sardonic goldfish.
A foolâs goldfishâs personality is genetic; it cannot be trained out. Do not punish your goldfish; it will only make it bitter and vindictive. Foolâs goldfish can, however, be trained to perform simple tricks.
Foolâs goldfish can survive a few days without food, so feeding is not always necessary when transporting. However, foolâs goldfish will quickly die if not fully submerged in water. Some heroes choose to store them in their drinking water. The goldfish and the hero will likely not enjoy this, but it wonât kill them.
If you find yourself experiencing increasing self-doubt and cynicism as a result of exposure to a foolâs goldfish, seek therapy immediately, and consider switching to a breed of pet that canât speak.
History
While the origins of the first foolâs goldfish are unknown, it was rumoured to have been developed in a lab somewhere south of Trollbridge. They were initially sold as gag gifts for unpopular relatives and friends you want to see less of. Eventually they gained an eager following of their own, both among monsters and humans, who enjoyed their biting sense of humour and chose to keep them as pets.
They first came to the attention of authorities when owners began releasing them into waterways. The foolâs goldfish population quickly exploded and caused great distress to other aquatic species. Government culling initiatives have reduced the problem somewhat, but goldfish outbreaks continue to be a problem, especially in rural areas.
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