Cash Cow

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Monsters of Godville
Cash Cow
Vacca nummus
Class Mammal
Habitat Banks, Gold Caves
Description Dollar-shaped eyes

The Cash Cow (Vacca nummus) is a monster with the innate ability to smell gold, artifacts, and money, even from a far distance.


A Cash Cow wants money, and is greatly misunderstood.

A Cash Cow is, visibly, a cow. A very large cow. The biggest difference, outside of an autopsy theatre, between a Cash Cow and a cow are their eyes. A Cash Cow's eyes ironically feature pupils shaped like their strongest desire: $ dollar signs$.

All misunderstandings in a Cash Cow's brief life begin (and end) with those bright, gleaming dollar sign eyes.

This author can't stress enough how closely a Cash Cow resembles a cow. At sight, it's a large cow. A Very large cow. Large...

Large in stature, frail in its language skill...

Curious by nature and armed with its size, strength and the seemingly helpful ability to pinpoint the location of gold at distance (by scent? sight?), a Cash Cow comes into Godville, looking to make its way.

Our story here gets grim and repetitive, as our Cash Cow will detect the heroine's gold (however such is done) and get excited. It will fiddle in its pockets to take hurried stock of its inventory of artefacts it may have and then rushes out to the heroine to work out the details of this trade thing it's been dreaming of forever . sometimes it salivates in its excitement. Here the Cash Cow bursts into a charge as it gets closer, the excitement of this Deal it's dreamed so much about taking hold...

This is... unfortunate. Remember the Cash Cow's size. Remember a heroine's (lack of) intellect and surplus of combat skills and weaponry. Remember that a heroine spends most of her day attacking and being attacked by monsters with a similar lack of communication skills.

Now from the heroine's point of view, things are FAR simpler: A very large cow, moaning and snorting with rage, comes bursting towards them from nowhere's horizon with its eyes glowing and blazing bright with a bloodlust. As they charge closer and faster it becomes clear they want nothing less than the heroine's painful death.

As heroines do, they pray (maybe) and then kill and loot what's left of the beast. Then pray again. (maybe)

In Beerburg's rowdier pubs, bloody wet jokes about the many tragic endings of the Cash Cow's quest for gold and mercantile glory are table slapping favourites.

Instead of producing milk, it produces coins.

Heroes are known to kill this cow when they're hungry, failing to utilize its power to produce coins for them.


The Cash Cow came into being when greedy corporate people paid a scientific firm to genetically modify a cow to produce money instead of milk. Somehow, the scientists tasked to the job succeeded in doing the job, producing a normal-looking cow, which when milked, produces gold. The only difference to a normal cow is that its eyes are dollar-shaped ($).

Being the greedy corporate people they are, they tried to over-milk the cow, mistreating it in the process. One day, the Cash Cow had enough, and so he ran away from the corporation he worked at, and trodded along in lonely barns and grasslands outside the city. It was then that the cow stumbled upon a Ticket to Godville, and now he's in Godville, wreaking havoc on heroes and traders alike.



  • Can disguise as a regular cow
  • Has a very powerful kick
  • Knows where the money is
  • Produces coins


  • Can be distracted by throwing a gold coin for it to fetch
  • As it's a cow, it's slow
  • Asking it for milk will make it embarrassed, and leave you alone